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Author Topic: Who turned up?  (Read 3827 times)
Eric1
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« on: November 03, 2013, 12:39:51 AM »

I've been doing so well! Nearly three weeks no contact!

Guess who turned up at my rugby game... .Her!

I play with her brother, she hasn't watched all season. But, now... .

I pretended I didn't see her whilst I was playing, she left straight after the game.

I clocked her, don't feel as bad as I thought!

Pretty tough tho!
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« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2013, 12:42:15 AM »

 
I've been doing so well! Nearly three weeks no contact!

Guess who turned up at my rugby game... .Her!

I play with her brother, she hasn't watched all season. But, now... .

I pretended I didn't see her whilst I was playing, she left straight after the game.

I clocked her, don't feel as bad as I thought!

Pretty tough tho!

You da man! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Eric1
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« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2013, 11:21:00 AM »

I can't stop thinking about her now.  I want to contact her
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« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2013, 07:11:25 PM »

Eric, yes her trusty and well honed intended effect is working. Now you know how the circling moth feels when he sees the flame from a distance... .oops don't get to close. You have been there before... .I can tell by your well singed wings.
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winston72
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« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2013, 08:17:45 PM »

So, Eric…what position do you play?  How did your team fare today?  How did you play?  Come on, man!  Give us the important stuff!  These girls issues will fade, but rugby lasts a lifetime.  Priorities!
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« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2013, 12:37:15 AM »

You go Winston!  I love that insight.  Rugby for Eric is an important part of his life.  She can't take that away from him.  And there are other parts of Eric's life as well... .maybe a couple brewskies after the game, some good food and laughs with friends... .  She can't have that stuff!  Nope. 

Eric, she can't have you anymore; she doesn't deserve you!  But your good friends can have you, and they are more fun anyway Smiling (click to insert in post) 

Fiddle
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Eric1
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« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2013, 03:34:28 AM »

We lost. But, i did score our only try & i put the biggest hit of the game in, so wasn't all bad.

She looked nice. She only come to watch her brother, But seeing her has made me really miss her.

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Lady31
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« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2013, 04:23:34 AM »

First this:

I play with her brother, she hasn't watched all season. But, now... .

Then this:

She looked nice. She only come to watch her brother, But seeing her has made me really miss her.

Eric - I beg to differ with your second post quoted here.  She had a whole different motive by showing up there.  She's waiting to see if you will reach out or not.  Kind of crappy she is showing up to your game(s?) now - that's your outlet.  Hang in there. 

If you feel the urge to contact her, try to refrain and let yourself be the spectator to see what she will do next.  More like a third party.  (And be prepared because given the recent hand she has shown, she most likely will do something else.) 

I would bet a nice little chunk that her showing up had EVERYTHING to do with you and NOT her brother.  And it really isn't even about you - it's about HER.  HER needs, and wanting to see what YOU will do.  Are you available for a recycle, or even some brief interaction that will soothe HER and make HER feel better?  Or at the very least, an attempt (and obviously a NEED) on her end to portray to you how great she is doing.  (Which proves exactly the opposite.)
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Eric1
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« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2013, 05:16:43 AM »

She came with her mum, so she wasn't alone. I've refrained from conacting her. It's just brought up some emotions.

We haven't spoken for three weeks tomorrow. Longest we've ever gone with no contact. She hasn't tried reaching out to me.
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« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2013, 07:52:09 AM »

"She hasn't tried reaching out to me."

oh no, she has. she just did.
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« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2013, 08:24:21 AM »

Eric1, please believe what folks here are saying.  She didn't come to see her brother -- you acknowledged that when you noted she hadn't watched him in a long time.  She didn't really come to see you either.  As usual with these folks, it's all about them.  She came to see if she could shake up your resolve a bit.  You had the guts to stay away from her at the game, for which you deserve great credit.  Now you're paying the price for that strength with your subconscious mind (which really wants to get back to the idolizing stage in a bad way) basically screaming madly that you need to talk to her.  Your conscious mind and your excellent strength have been waging the battle for quite a while, but she has thrown her best weapon into the fray  -  herself. 

It's easy for me to say stand firm in your convictions  -- so I will!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Ultimately, when you figure out how to give yourself the unconditional love you seemed to get from her you will be able to fully silence the now powerful voice telling you to go back to her.  You are doing really, really well.  A little mental backsliding only, especially when you are challenged by the 'super-weapon' of the pwBPD in the flesh, is another step in your progress.  I'm very impressed, as always, by your accomplishments!

LT
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Eric1
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« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2013, 09:28:56 AM »

Eric1, please believe what folks here are saying.  She didn't come to see her brother -- you acknowledged that when you noted she hadn't watched him in a long time.  She didn't really come to see you either.  As usual with these folks, it's all about them.  She came to see if she could shake up your resolve a bit.  You had the guts to stay away from her at the game, for which you deserve great credit.  Now you're paying the price for that strength with your subconscious mind (which really wants to get back to the idolizing stage in a bad way) basically screaming madly that you need to talk to her.  Your conscious mind and your excellent strength have been waging the battle for quite a while, but she has thrown her best weapon into the fray  -  herself. 

It's easy for me to say stand firm in your convictions  -- so I will!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Ultimately, when you figure out how to give yourself the unconditional love you seemed to get from her you will be able to fully silence the now powerful voice telling you to go back to her.  You are doing really, really well.  A little mental backsliding only, especially when you are challenged by the 'super-weapon' of the pwBPD in the flesh, is another step in your progress.  I'm very impressed, as always, by your accomplishments!

LT

I'm trying to convince myself that it was just a harmless visit to watch her bro and have a drink, that way I can try and prevent myself from thinking there is alterior motives. I assume she is still with my replacement, so she has no reason to try and muster up feelings in me, because she shouldn't care about me anymore. She looked nice & it has made me think about her, a lot.
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Lao Tzu
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« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2013, 10:54:31 AM »

Dear Eric1,

     "... .she has no reason to try and muster up feelings in me."   My friend, she would have no reason if she thought with the same processes healthy people use.  The pwBPD (whether she really does or not is irrelevent  - if your brain is working that angle) has every reason to try and muster up feelings in you.  It is the only way they have to be sure they exist, in a way.  You must'nt look at what she does through the lens of what you would or what other women would do in her place.  If you use the wrong logic you'll end up at the wrong conclusion every time.

     Better yet, accept that no one can ever really know why someone does something (including them, generally), so don't even try.  What is important is your reaction to it, and that has been stellar, despite the cross talk from your subconscious pushing you the other way.  You should be very proud of yourself; not everyone has your strength.

LT
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Eric1
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« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2013, 12:05:50 PM »

Appreciate the encourage words, Lao. I just carried on playing, she was stood right next to where I was, there was a lot of people there so she sort of blended into the crowd.

I would usually have texted on the Saturday or called her drunk, which I didn't.

I would like to text her, but I'm at the stage now where I'm thinking what's the point!

At least she didn't bring her new bf, otherwise I think I would have had a melt down on the field haha
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Lao Tzu
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« Reply #14 on: November 04, 2013, 01:16:08 PM »

Good man!  By the way, there likely will be a 'next time' and she might just bring her latest "victim" as you didn't get rattled enough (from her point of view).  My ex has been upping the stakes fairly regularly for the last 6 months and it's a lot older r/s than yours.  Be ready.  This is no game to her as your failure to be "on the line" as people here refer to these things is a tremendous challenge to her absent or near-absent sense of self.  You should also know that there is a fair likelihood that this testing will go on for a very long time.  In my case it is actually 3 decades, intermittently, so far, but maybe you'll be luckier.  I've told many people that there isn't any way to "win" in the sense of ending the r/s in a mutually agreeable manner as you would with a non-BPD person; you just minimize your losses to the best extent possible and understand yourself better.  The understanding part is the key.  You will never understand them perhaps, but you might start understanding yourself a bit better.  We're all with you man; this is a very tough time for you.  Here's a guy hug: 

LT
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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #15 on: November 04, 2013, 01:57:52 PM »

Hi Eric.  You've done so well, congratulations. Keep it up, my man. So much great advice above, please don't waste it.
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winston72
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« Reply #16 on: November 04, 2013, 02:04:33 PM »

E, you forgot to tell us what position you play!  Details, man.  Have some priorities.  I need to visualize that try.  Is a better image to replay in your mind than your ex on the sideline. 
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Eric1
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« Reply #17 on: November 04, 2013, 02:13:07 PM »

Played on the wing, she was stood on the side of my wing. Just inside the opposition half, outside centre threw a pass which skidded along the floor, I picked it up on the run, skinned my opposition winger, then lined the fullback up, stepped him and ran it in under the posts.

The hit I put on their fullback was better than the try! He took a highball deep in his own half, I was steaming down the wing, as soon as he touched it, I nailed him, perfect timing. That was more satisfying!
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winston72
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« Reply #18 on: November 04, 2013, 02:22:14 PM »

Dude!  You rock!

Love the description!  I was going to ask you to describe play after I learned your position.  Sounds like two great memories.  Awesome!

Thanks for sharing. 
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« Reply #19 on: November 04, 2013, 02:57:33 PM »

I think what really tortures them is seeing us "recovered", "sane", and "happy" without them.   That is the sweetest revenge if you ask me, find yourself again, be at peace with who you are, can be, and will become.  They will never be happy, and thrive on feeding on pain of others... .    you are winning the battle, dont throw in the towel!   Being cool (click to insert in post)
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eyvindr
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« Reply #20 on: November 04, 2013, 03:10:56 PM »

Eric1 --

Just wanted to echo the others here in congratulating you on your progress and your willpower -- good job! (And your game -- kick-ass!)

We haven't spoken for three weeks tomorrow. Longest we've ever gone with no contact. She hasn't tried reaching out to me.

Yep -- and that is what normal people who aren't seeing each other anymore do -- they see each other, and let it be. No big deal.

Had my own emotional setback this past week, caused by breaking NC. This thread was a good refresher for me, too.

Hang in there,

e.
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« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2013, 08:51:47 AM »

And now I feel down in the dumps.

I'm seriously at a cross roads in my life. I own a house, which means I have responsibility with bills etc. I earn really good money, but the job doesn't offer any satisfaction. She always said I needed to have more ambition & she was right. I don't have any real qualifications, even though I would say I’m generally quite switched on. I want to train to be a teacher, but it involves me doing 1 maths course, 1 access course, 1 years volunteering in a school (1 day per week) and then a three year degree! So, obviously it'll cost a lot & i wouldn't know how to afford it whilst paying a mortage, and i would be 34 by the time i finish, so... .

I'm lost.

Life is crap.

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Lao Tzu
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« Reply #22 on: November 05, 2013, 09:18:49 AM »

Dear Eric1,

     No, life is not cr@p for you.  This is a transient depression caused by the stress going on in your head.  It's useful to understand that depression is the normal result of reordering things in your head.  It's a transition that you're going through and it's a good one ultimately; you're just have to pay (yet another) fee to get there.  Think about how it is when someone you love dies.  You have to go through a transition period to reorder your life without that person.  This is like a death of the pwBPD to a small extent (and no one knows that fact better than she does) and you must go through this period if you're going to make new life for yourself.  The truth is that you will need to go through it a couple of times, most likely   . 

     Don't believe me?  Ask yourself what's actually different in your life from last week, say.  Your dreams and aspirations are the same.  The challenges are the same.  The difference is that you now feel you are inadequate to meet those challenges.  It wasn't true last week, my friend, and it isn't true now.  You are perfectly adequate; more than adequate in fact.  If you want to be a teacher you will be.  As far as your age when you would finish -- 34? is that old?  Really?  I have lint in my navel that's older than that!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  You're a mere child.  Follow your dreams and don't let anything or anyone tell you it doesn't make sense.  You're pretty tough if you ask me. (leather balls to play rugby as I recall)

LT
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eyvindr
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« Reply #23 on: November 05, 2013, 10:58:06 AM »

Well said, LT --  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Dear Eric1,

     No, life is not cr@p for you.  This is a transient depression caused by the stress going on in your head.  It's useful to understand that depression is the normal result of reordering things in your head.  It's a transition that you're going through and it's a good one ultimately; you're just have to pay (yet another) fee to get there... .

     :)on't believe me?  Ask yourself what's actually different in your life from last week, say.  Your dreams and aspirations are the same.  The challenges are the same.  The difference is that you now feel you are inadequate to meet those challenges.  It wasn't true last week, my friend, and it isn't true now.  You are perfectly adequate; more than adequate in fact.  If you want to be a teacher you will be.  As far as your age when you would finish -- 34? is that old?  Really?  I have lint in my navel that's older than that!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  You're a mere child.  Follow your dreams and don't let anything or anyone tell you it doesn't make sense.  You're pretty tough if you ask me. (leather balls to play rugby as I recall)

Eric1 -- he's rational, he's experienced, and he's right. Listen, and stop being so hard on yourself.

Hang in there -- you're making great progress. You've come a L-O-N-G way in just the short time that you've been here. I'll remind you of that as many times as I need to.

e.
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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
Eric1
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« Reply #24 on: November 05, 2013, 01:06:12 PM »

Thank you, Lao. Part of it was that I missed the maths course start date by two months, so will have to wait another year. Can't do anything without maths!

It will be worth it come to end! I'll probably be married by then! Haha

NC is a breeze now, but there's still part of me that does want to reach out to her. It won't change any situation, but I am intrigued as to whether she started her new job. It's what he worked years towards & I am genuinely interested.
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eyvindr
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« Reply #25 on: November 05, 2013, 01:23:44 PM »

Your curiosity is completely normal, Eric -- as a healthy person, you still think of her on some level as a former friend, and you're interested in her life.

But, what you can't count on being normal is how she would respond to any contact from you. Stay strong. Any contact and you risk having to start all over.
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« Reply #26 on: November 05, 2013, 02:01:08 PM »

34 is YOUNG! Life is GOOD!... .whipper snapper! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Eric1
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« Reply #27 on: November 05, 2013, 04:12:49 PM »

Your curiosity is completely normal, Eric -- as a healthy person, you still think of her on some level as a former friend, and you're interested in her life.

But, what you can't count on being normal is how she would respond to any contact from you. Stay strong. Any contact and you risk having to start all over.

I'll get a normal friendly response or none at all.  It's as much as I want to reach out to her now. It will make me look weak, I know.
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eyvindr
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« Reply #28 on: November 05, 2013, 07:49:54 PM »

Eric1 -- you need to do what you feel you need to do.

I can only share my experience, which is that *every* time I've either reached out, or responded -- my ex's response to my has been disappointing at best (clinical, fatigued, unemotional, discouraging), or downright vicious.

If you do it, I hope you fare better.
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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
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« Reply #29 on: November 05, 2013, 08:31:07 PM »

Eric1 -- you need to do what you feel you need to do.

I can only share my experience, which is that *every* time I've either reached out, or responded -- my ex's response to my has been disappointing at best (clinical, fatigued, unemotional, discouraging), or downright vicious.

If you do it, I hope you fare better.

It stands to responsible reason responsibly expecting a responsible reasonable response from the unresponsively unreasonable is not responsibly reasonable. Or is that the other way around?
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