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Author Topic: Who turned up?  (Read 3828 times)
Eric1
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« on: November 03, 2013, 12:39:51 AM »

I've been doing so well! Nearly three weeks no contact!

Guess who turned up at my rugby game... .Her!

I play with her brother, she hasn't watched all season. But, now... .

I pretended I didn't see her whilst I was playing, she left straight after the game.

I clocked her, don't feel as bad as I thought!

Pretty tough tho!
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« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2013, 12:42:15 AM »

 
I've been doing so well! Nearly three weeks no contact!

Guess who turned up at my rugby game... .Her!

I play with her brother, she hasn't watched all season. But, now... .

I pretended I didn't see her whilst I was playing, she left straight after the game.

I clocked her, don't feel as bad as I thought!

Pretty tough tho!

You da man! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Eric1
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« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2013, 11:21:00 AM »

I can't stop thinking about her now.  I want to contact her
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« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2013, 07:11:25 PM »

Eric, yes her trusty and well honed intended effect is working. Now you know how the circling moth feels when he sees the flame from a distance... .oops don't get to close. You have been there before... .I can tell by your well singed wings.
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winston72
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« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2013, 08:17:45 PM »

So, Eric…what position do you play?  How did your team fare today?  How did you play?  Come on, man!  Give us the important stuff!  These girls issues will fade, but rugby lasts a lifetime.  Priorities!
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« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2013, 12:37:15 AM »

You go Winston!  I love that insight.  Rugby for Eric is an important part of his life.  She can't take that away from him.  And there are other parts of Eric's life as well... .maybe a couple brewskies after the game, some good food and laughs with friends... .  She can't have that stuff!  Nope. 

Eric, she can't have you anymore; she doesn't deserve you!  But your good friends can have you, and they are more fun anyway Smiling (click to insert in post) 

Fiddle
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Eric1
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« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2013, 03:34:28 AM »

We lost. But, i did score our only try & i put the biggest hit of the game in, so wasn't all bad.

She looked nice. She only come to watch her brother, But seeing her has made me really miss her.

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Lady31
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« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2013, 04:23:34 AM »

First this:

I play with her brother, she hasn't watched all season. But, now... .

Then this:

She looked nice. She only come to watch her brother, But seeing her has made me really miss her.

Eric - I beg to differ with your second post quoted here.  She had a whole different motive by showing up there.  She's waiting to see if you will reach out or not.  Kind of crappy she is showing up to your game(s?) now - that's your outlet.  Hang in there. 

If you feel the urge to contact her, try to refrain and let yourself be the spectator to see what she will do next.  More like a third party.  (And be prepared because given the recent hand she has shown, she most likely will do something else.) 

I would bet a nice little chunk that her showing up had EVERYTHING to do with you and NOT her brother.  And it really isn't even about you - it's about HER.  HER needs, and wanting to see what YOU will do.  Are you available for a recycle, or even some brief interaction that will soothe HER and make HER feel better?  Or at the very least, an attempt (and obviously a NEED) on her end to portray to you how great she is doing.  (Which proves exactly the opposite.)
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Eric1
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« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2013, 05:16:43 AM »

She came with her mum, so she wasn't alone. I've refrained from conacting her. It's just brought up some emotions.

We haven't spoken for three weeks tomorrow. Longest we've ever gone with no contact. She hasn't tried reaching out to me.
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« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2013, 07:52:09 AM »

"She hasn't tried reaching out to me."

oh no, she has. she just did.
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« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2013, 08:24:21 AM »

Eric1, please believe what folks here are saying.  She didn't come to see her brother -- you acknowledged that when you noted she hadn't watched him in a long time.  She didn't really come to see you either.  As usual with these folks, it's all about them.  She came to see if she could shake up your resolve a bit.  You had the guts to stay away from her at the game, for which you deserve great credit.  Now you're paying the price for that strength with your subconscious mind (which really wants to get back to the idolizing stage in a bad way) basically screaming madly that you need to talk to her.  Your conscious mind and your excellent strength have been waging the battle for quite a while, but she has thrown her best weapon into the fray  -  herself. 

It's easy for me to say stand firm in your convictions  -- so I will!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Ultimately, when you figure out how to give yourself the unconditional love you seemed to get from her you will be able to fully silence the now powerful voice telling you to go back to her.  You are doing really, really well.  A little mental backsliding only, especially when you are challenged by the 'super-weapon' of the pwBPD in the flesh, is another step in your progress.  I'm very impressed, as always, by your accomplishments!

LT
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Eric1
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« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2013, 09:28:56 AM »

Eric1, please believe what folks here are saying.  She didn't come to see her brother -- you acknowledged that when you noted she hadn't watched him in a long time.  She didn't really come to see you either.  As usual with these folks, it's all about them.  She came to see if she could shake up your resolve a bit.  You had the guts to stay away from her at the game, for which you deserve great credit.  Now you're paying the price for that strength with your subconscious mind (which really wants to get back to the idolizing stage in a bad way) basically screaming madly that you need to talk to her.  Your conscious mind and your excellent strength have been waging the battle for quite a while, but she has thrown her best weapon into the fray  -  herself. 

It's easy for me to say stand firm in your convictions  -- so I will!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Ultimately, when you figure out how to give yourself the unconditional love you seemed to get from her you will be able to fully silence the now powerful voice telling you to go back to her.  You are doing really, really well.  A little mental backsliding only, especially when you are challenged by the 'super-weapon' of the pwBPD in the flesh, is another step in your progress.  I'm very impressed, as always, by your accomplishments!

LT

I'm trying to convince myself that it was just a harmless visit to watch her bro and have a drink, that way I can try and prevent myself from thinking there is alterior motives. I assume she is still with my replacement, so she has no reason to try and muster up feelings in me, because she shouldn't care about me anymore. She looked nice & it has made me think about her, a lot.
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Lao Tzu
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« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2013, 10:54:31 AM »

Dear Eric1,

     "... .she has no reason to try and muster up feelings in me."   My friend, she would have no reason if she thought with the same processes healthy people use.  The pwBPD (whether she really does or not is irrelevent  - if your brain is working that angle) has every reason to try and muster up feelings in you.  It is the only way they have to be sure they exist, in a way.  You must'nt look at what she does through the lens of what you would or what other women would do in her place.  If you use the wrong logic you'll end up at the wrong conclusion every time.

     Better yet, accept that no one can ever really know why someone does something (including them, generally), so don't even try.  What is important is your reaction to it, and that has been stellar, despite the cross talk from your subconscious pushing you the other way.  You should be very proud of yourself; not everyone has your strength.

LT
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Eric1
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« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2013, 12:05:50 PM »

Appreciate the encourage words, Lao. I just carried on playing, she was stood right next to where I was, there was a lot of people there so she sort of blended into the crowd.

I would usually have texted on the Saturday or called her drunk, which I didn't.

I would like to text her, but I'm at the stage now where I'm thinking what's the point!

At least she didn't bring her new bf, otherwise I think I would have had a melt down on the field haha
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Lao Tzu
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« Reply #14 on: November 04, 2013, 01:16:08 PM »

Good man!  By the way, there likely will be a 'next time' and she might just bring her latest "victim" as you didn't get rattled enough (from her point of view).  My ex has been upping the stakes fairly regularly for the last 6 months and it's a lot older r/s than yours.  Be ready.  This is no game to her as your failure to be "on the line" as people here refer to these things is a tremendous challenge to her absent or near-absent sense of self.  You should also know that there is a fair likelihood that this testing will go on for a very long time.  In my case it is actually 3 decades, intermittently, so far, but maybe you'll be luckier.  I've told many people that there isn't any way to "win" in the sense of ending the r/s in a mutually agreeable manner as you would with a non-BPD person; you just minimize your losses to the best extent possible and understand yourself better.  The understanding part is the key.  You will never understand them perhaps, but you might start understanding yourself a bit better.  We're all with you man; this is a very tough time for you.  Here's a guy hug: 

LT
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« Reply #15 on: November 04, 2013, 01:57:52 PM »

Hi Eric.  You've done so well, congratulations. Keep it up, my man. So much great advice above, please don't waste it.
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« Reply #16 on: November 04, 2013, 02:04:33 PM »

E, you forgot to tell us what position you play!  Details, man.  Have some priorities.  I need to visualize that try.  Is a better image to replay in your mind than your ex on the sideline. 
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Eric1
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« Reply #17 on: November 04, 2013, 02:13:07 PM »

Played on the wing, she was stood on the side of my wing. Just inside the opposition half, outside centre threw a pass which skidded along the floor, I picked it up on the run, skinned my opposition winger, then lined the fullback up, stepped him and ran it in under the posts.

The hit I put on their fullback was better than the try! He took a highball deep in his own half, I was steaming down the wing, as soon as he touched it, I nailed him, perfect timing. That was more satisfying!
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« Reply #18 on: November 04, 2013, 02:22:14 PM »

Dude!  You rock!

Love the description!  I was going to ask you to describe play after I learned your position.  Sounds like two great memories.  Awesome!

Thanks for sharing. 
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« Reply #19 on: November 04, 2013, 02:57:33 PM »

I think what really tortures them is seeing us "recovered", "sane", and "happy" without them.   That is the sweetest revenge if you ask me, find yourself again, be at peace with who you are, can be, and will become.  They will never be happy, and thrive on feeding on pain of others... .    you are winning the battle, dont throw in the towel!   Being cool (click to insert in post)
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eyvindr
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« Reply #20 on: November 04, 2013, 03:10:56 PM »

Eric1 --

Just wanted to echo the others here in congratulating you on your progress and your willpower -- good job! (And your game -- kick-ass!)

We haven't spoken for three weeks tomorrow. Longest we've ever gone with no contact. She hasn't tried reaching out to me.

Yep -- and that is what normal people who aren't seeing each other anymore do -- they see each other, and let it be. No big deal.

Had my own emotional setback this past week, caused by breaking NC. This thread was a good refresher for me, too.

Hang in there,

e.
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« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2013, 08:51:47 AM »

And now I feel down in the dumps.

I'm seriously at a cross roads in my life. I own a house, which means I have responsibility with bills etc. I earn really good money, but the job doesn't offer any satisfaction. She always said I needed to have more ambition & she was right. I don't have any real qualifications, even though I would say I’m generally quite switched on. I want to train to be a teacher, but it involves me doing 1 maths course, 1 access course, 1 years volunteering in a school (1 day per week) and then a three year degree! So, obviously it'll cost a lot & i wouldn't know how to afford it whilst paying a mortage, and i would be 34 by the time i finish, so... .

I'm lost.

Life is crap.

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« Reply #22 on: November 05, 2013, 09:18:49 AM »

Dear Eric1,

     No, life is not cr@p for you.  This is a transient depression caused by the stress going on in your head.  It's useful to understand that depression is the normal result of reordering things in your head.  It's a transition that you're going through and it's a good one ultimately; you're just have to pay (yet another) fee to get there.  Think about how it is when someone you love dies.  You have to go through a transition period to reorder your life without that person.  This is like a death of the pwBPD to a small extent (and no one knows that fact better than she does) and you must go through this period if you're going to make new life for yourself.  The truth is that you will need to go through it a couple of times, most likely   . 

     Don't believe me?  Ask yourself what's actually different in your life from last week, say.  Your dreams and aspirations are the same.  The challenges are the same.  The difference is that you now feel you are inadequate to meet those challenges.  It wasn't true last week, my friend, and it isn't true now.  You are perfectly adequate; more than adequate in fact.  If you want to be a teacher you will be.  As far as your age when you would finish -- 34? is that old?  Really?  I have lint in my navel that's older than that!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  You're a mere child.  Follow your dreams and don't let anything or anyone tell you it doesn't make sense.  You're pretty tough if you ask me. (leather balls to play rugby as I recall)

LT
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eyvindr
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« Reply #23 on: November 05, 2013, 10:58:06 AM »

Well said, LT --  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Dear Eric1,

     No, life is not cr@p for you.  This is a transient depression caused by the stress going on in your head.  It's useful to understand that depression is the normal result of reordering things in your head.  It's a transition that you're going through and it's a good one ultimately; you're just have to pay (yet another) fee to get there... .

     :)on't believe me?  Ask yourself what's actually different in your life from last week, say.  Your dreams and aspirations are the same.  The challenges are the same.  The difference is that you now feel you are inadequate to meet those challenges.  It wasn't true last week, my friend, and it isn't true now.  You are perfectly adequate; more than adequate in fact.  If you want to be a teacher you will be.  As far as your age when you would finish -- 34? is that old?  Really?  I have lint in my navel that's older than that!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  You're a mere child.  Follow your dreams and don't let anything or anyone tell you it doesn't make sense.  You're pretty tough if you ask me. (leather balls to play rugby as I recall)

Eric1 -- he's rational, he's experienced, and he's right. Listen, and stop being so hard on yourself.

Hang in there -- you're making great progress. You've come a L-O-N-G way in just the short time that you've been here. I'll remind you of that as many times as I need to.

e.
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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

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Eric1
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« Reply #24 on: November 05, 2013, 01:06:12 PM »

Thank you, Lao. Part of it was that I missed the maths course start date by two months, so will have to wait another year. Can't do anything without maths!

It will be worth it come to end! I'll probably be married by then! Haha

NC is a breeze now, but there's still part of me that does want to reach out to her. It won't change any situation, but I am intrigued as to whether she started her new job. It's what he worked years towards & I am genuinely interested.
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« Reply #25 on: November 05, 2013, 01:23:44 PM »

Your curiosity is completely normal, Eric -- as a healthy person, you still think of her on some level as a former friend, and you're interested in her life.

But, what you can't count on being normal is how she would respond to any contact from you. Stay strong. Any contact and you risk having to start all over.
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« Reply #26 on: November 05, 2013, 02:01:08 PM »

34 is YOUNG! Life is GOOD!... .whipper snapper! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Eric1
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« Reply #27 on: November 05, 2013, 04:12:49 PM »

Your curiosity is completely normal, Eric -- as a healthy person, you still think of her on some level as a former friend, and you're interested in her life.

But, what you can't count on being normal is how she would respond to any contact from you. Stay strong. Any contact and you risk having to start all over.

I'll get a normal friendly response or none at all.  It's as much as I want to reach out to her now. It will make me look weak, I know.
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« Reply #28 on: November 05, 2013, 07:49:54 PM »

Eric1 -- you need to do what you feel you need to do.

I can only share my experience, which is that *every* time I've either reached out, or responded -- my ex's response to my has been disappointing at best (clinical, fatigued, unemotional, discouraging), or downright vicious.

If you do it, I hope you fare better.
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« Reply #29 on: November 05, 2013, 08:31:07 PM »

Eric1 -- you need to do what you feel you need to do.

I can only share my experience, which is that *every* time I've either reached out, or responded -- my ex's response to my has been disappointing at best (clinical, fatigued, unemotional, discouraging), or downright vicious.

If you do it, I hope you fare better.

It stands to responsible reason responsibly expecting a responsible reasonable response from the unresponsively unreasonable is not responsibly reasonable. Or is that the other way around?
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Eric1
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« Reply #30 on: November 06, 2013, 04:07:59 AM »

I don't know why i'm feeling like this now. I was pretty upbeat and doing well. Now, I couldn't be anymore depressed.

I'm going for a swim after work because that usually helps. But, i can't stop thinking about her now!
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« Reply #31 on: November 06, 2013, 04:58:57 AM »

Shadow!   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Eric,

Oh I hear you!  I am 33. I have been stressing myself out thinking - ok... .so I have to finish processing the break up of my marriage and make sure all that's clear before I start dating.  Then I have to find someone who syncs well with me (difficult let me tell you), then I have to date them for a reasonable amount of time before I can get married again... .I could be 40 by then!  I know 40 is not old at all, but as a woman, I think it's a little scarier.  Or maybe that's just my mindset - you know - since women seem to get old and men get more "distinguished and handsome".   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) sounds funny now that I am writing it out.

I am also trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I had a business with my husband and we did very well, but I walked away from all that to get out and now don't have that after all the time/money invested.  I have another business also, and hold a license that makes fairly good money - so now I am taking a little time off trying to figure out if I am going to go forward building that business or start something else entirely new.  Hard to pass it up, because it's great money - but on the other end I'm not that passionate about it AT ALL.  Ugh. 

I've made some inquiries of the Lord regarding why he seemed to make me very good at something I don't seem to be all that crazy about.  I'm still waiting on the answer.  Yeah - still working on patience too.  Anyway -

I think we get the initial relief from getting out of hell.  We went through the rollercoaster of what do we DO?  Then up and down in pain constantly.  FINALLY get out of that and feel relief, and excited about it being over - being out - being able to dream again for the future.  (After getting over the heartache of course.)

BUT THEN... .  OH NO - what AM I going to do with the future?  (For some this is already figured out and doesn't need to change so they don't have this stressor/fear going forward, at least with their vocation.)

I found I started missing my x a little too at the onset of all that - but IT WILL PASS.  Give yourself 2 to 3 weeks and see how you feel.

And in the mean time, take the time to dream/research new prospects.  It is all still very bright.  You are just feeling the pressure and fear of the unknown.
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« Reply #32 on: November 06, 2013, 05:01:03 AM »

really miss her.

What exactly do you miss?
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Eric1
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« Reply #33 on: November 06, 2013, 08:35:29 AM »

really miss her.

What exactly do you miss?

Making her laugh, her making me laugh, chatting to her, hearing from her. Obviously I miss other stuff from the relationship, which is non-existent now. I am interested in if she has started her new job etc

Yes, there's stuff I’m glad I don't put up with these days, but in a way, I miss the drama slightly haha

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« Reply #34 on: November 06, 2013, 10:51:36 AM »

Lady31 --

I totally relate to this:

I am also trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  Smiling (click to insert in post) ... .

I've made some inquiries of the Lord regarding why he seemed to make me very good at something I don't seem to be all that crazy about.  I'm still waiting on the answer.  Yeah - still working on patience too.  Anyway -

... .and I'm 51. So, chill   -- time is on your side.

e.
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« Reply #35 on: November 06, 2013, 11:06:32 AM »

I want to train to be a teacher, but it involves me doing 1 maths course, 1 access course, 1 years volunteering in a school (1 day per week) and then a three year degree! So, obviously it'll cost a lot & i wouldn't know how to afford it whilst paying a mortage, and i would be 34 by the time i finish, so... .

If it helps, I decided to train to become a teacher and graduated when I was 55, so 34 is nothing to me!

I had to pay all my fees and mortgage from my savings - it was tough going but I managed it... .
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Eric1
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« Reply #36 on: November 06, 2013, 12:35:33 PM »

You're right. I think because most of my friends and my ex etc went to Uni straight away, I feel like I've wasted time. But, none of them own their own house, so... .By the time I qualify, I'll still have 40 odd years to work!

Thing is, would she really have supported me? Could she cope when I said I can't go out or do stuff on certain days because i either had to study or say plan lessons. It was bad enough when I had to do work on the house. She wanted me to cancel tradesman because she wanted to see me.

It just brings back memories. Bad times, yeah. And, the good. I want to text her
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« Reply #37 on: November 06, 2013, 12:50:57 PM »

I want to text her

My advice is to do whatever you think is right in your circumstances.

If you want to text her, be aware that you may be greeted by silence and then the constant worry if and when she 'might' respond.

I've been waiting three weeks for my ex to respond to my email to her, and it's driving me mad... .
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« Reply #38 on: November 06, 2013, 12:52:55 PM »

Maybe if I text and ask about her job, it'll stop me thinking about her. Seeing her on Saturday didn't help!

I'm stuck because I told her not to contact me. So, if I contact her its going against the rule I instated.
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« Reply #39 on: November 06, 2013, 01:08:07 PM »

I'm stuck because I told her not to contact me. So, if I contact her its going against the rule I instated.

Yep. There's that, too.
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« Reply #40 on: November 06, 2013, 01:17:05 PM »

I'm stuck because I told her not to contact me. So, if I contact her its going against the rule I instated.

Yep. There's that, too.

Suppose if we do ever talk again, someone has to break the silence.
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« Reply #41 on: November 06, 2013, 01:24:15 PM »

I'm stuck because I told her not to contact me. So, if I contact her its going against the rule I instated.

Yep. There's that, too.

Suppose if we do ever talk again, someone has to break the silence.

I am actually not in the position to give you any advice, because I ignored most of it myself. I DID try to break the silence multiple times. Every time it failed, it only made me feel more miserable. The few times I succeeded it made me really happy. That happiness never lasted long though, since the cycle repeated itself every &^%^$ time.

I even now feel miserable, because I still want to re-establish contact at some level. I tried. I failed. I feel even more miserable now.

I guess it's your call.

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« Reply #42 on: November 06, 2013, 01:27:05 PM »

I've done the same & I did learn from it. Just seeing her Sat has brought it all back up again. I thought she might contact me after the game, but nothing.
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« Reply #43 on: November 06, 2013, 01:32:05 PM »

Maybe if I text and ask about her job, it'll stop me thinking about her. Seeing her on Saturday didn't help!

I'm stuck because I told her not to contact me. So, if I contact her its going against the rule I instated.

How about NOT texting her at all thereby reinforcing your own dictated and demonstrated boundary and not collapsing your your vulnerable flank thereby avoiding any potentials for more pretzel logic responses on her part in response to contradictory actions on yours.

I'm really not being a smart-alec in this. I look at it as an investment. As the "manager" of the emotional portfolio the first logical question asked is always, "What is the track record. Is this a safe investment?, What is the margin of gain in relation to RISK of investment".  

One has to ask themselves what IS and be clear what the risks ARE. Sometimes just sitting tight and doing nothing is the SAFER bet when in doubt.

For me at a certain point I just had to STOP THE NONSENSE and the emotional bleed out in the face of potential emotional bankruptcy.
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« Reply #44 on: November 06, 2013, 01:33:20 PM »

Actually... .confession time. I just wrote her another little message today .

She must now really think I'm crazy... .even I am starting to think I'm crazy Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

It sucks, it hurts, I am weak
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« Reply #45 on: November 06, 2013, 01:37:16 PM »

Maybe if I text and ask about her job, it'll stop me thinking about her. Seeing her on Saturday didn't help!

I'm stuck because I told her not to contact me. So, if I contact her its going against the rule I instated.

How about NOT texting her at all thereby reinforcing your own dictated and demonstrated boundary and not collapsing your your vulnerable flank thereby avoiding any potentials for more pretzel logic responses on her part in response to contradictory actions on yours.

I'm really not being a smart-alec in this. I look at it as an investment. As the "manager" of the emotional portfolio the first logical question asked is always, "What is the track record. Is this a safe investment?, What is the margin of gain in relation to RISK of investment".  

One has to ask themselves what IS and be clear what the risks ARE. Sometimes just sitting tight and doing nothing is the SAFER bet when in doubt.

I've made some bad investment choices too. Sold when I should have held, bought when I should have avoided.

It's tough. I'm gonna go for a swim and think on it!
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« Reply #46 on: November 06, 2013, 01:38:10 PM »

Actually... .confession time. I just wrote her another little message today .

She must now really think I'm crazy... .even I am starting to think I'm crazy Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

It sucks, it hurts, I am weak

I've done the same. I've called her at 4am... .3 times!

How far out are you?
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« Reply #47 on: November 06, 2013, 01:42:45 PM »

Actually... .confession time. I just wrote her another little message today .

She must now really think I'm crazy... .even I am starting to think I'm crazy Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

It sucks, it hurts, I am weak

Now that you have done that I ask you a question. Do you feel you have "lost" any self credibility?

This is what I had to face. How long was I going to erode the portfolio by investing in the deficit returns?
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« Reply #48 on: November 06, 2013, 01:47:22 PM »

[/quote]
It stands to responsible reason responsibly expecting a responsible reasonable response from the unresponsively unreasonable is not responsibly reasonable. Or is that the other way around?[/quote]
Shadows golden rule.
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« Reply #49 on: November 06, 2013, 01:50:45 PM »

Actually... .confession time. I just wrote her another little message today .

She must now really think I'm crazy... .even I am starting to think I'm crazy Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

It sucks, it hurts, I am weak

I've done the same. I've called her at 4am... .3 times!

How far out are you?

Lol

Calling is probably the only thing I didn't do in the past few weeks. That's a line I still haven't crossed... .because I am afraid that would be really 'violating her privacy' in some way. And the possibility that she could freak out and giving her ammo.

I am still crazy though :-P

@ShadowDancer:

Not really self-credibility. But I think I know what you mean. I do feel weak and stupid. I KNOW the chances of her breaking her Silent Treatment are extremely slim. At least, they are extremely slim when I try to break it. She breaks it Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) random. She must want to be in control.

And if she would break her silence... .what do I gain. Some weird feeling of happiness for a few minutes/hours/days and then it all starts all over again.

I feel weak for still sending the messages.

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« Reply #50 on: November 06, 2013, 01:57:47 PM »

Don't be too hard on yourself and no you are not stupid. It is a learning curve. Just ask yourself questions before you act. STOP LISTEN THINK. It is about slowing down the racing thinking and assumptions about how we are going to feel after. I try to remember the basic concept of "self worth". Cost and effect. It has taken me over a year with some mistakes but it has simplified my life a great deal.
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« Reply #51 on: November 06, 2013, 02:20:39 PM »

I know... .thank you. But it's a bit like Eric1 implicitly describes it in his posts. For days and even weeks I resist the urge to write something. And eventually, I just break. It seems like the easier way out even.
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« Reply #52 on: November 06, 2013, 03:13:58 PM »

I know... .thank you. But it's a bit like Eric1 implicitly describes it in his posts. For days and even weeks I resist the urge to write something. And eventually, I just break. It seems like the easier way out even.

How long have you been broken up for?

Mines about 4 months, with the longest NC period being these three weeks.
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« Reply #53 on: November 06, 2013, 03:22:40 PM »

really miss her.

What exactly do you miss?

Making her laugh, her making me laugh, chatting to her, hearing from her. Obviously I miss other stuff from the relationship, which is non-existent now. I am interested in if she has started her new job etc

Yes, there's stuff I’m glad I don't put up with these days, but in a way, I miss the drama slightly haha

We cannot split our ex's into compartments. She is who she is in all its entirety. She is that person who you made laugh and she also that person that denigrates you and rages. Its who she is.

Have a bit more of a think Eric into what you miss and what you don't miss.

Missing the drama maybe something you need to look into? Was there drama in your house as a child? Is it possible you are used to this type of relating?
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« Reply #54 on: November 06, 2013, 03:25:17 PM »

She came with her mum, so she wasn't alone. I've refrained from contacting her. It's just brought up some emotions... .We haven't spoken for three weeks tomorrow. Longest we've ever gone with no contact. She hasn't tried reaching out to me.

hi eric, i like your casual, DETACHED attitude about it!  so she showed up at a game, so what?  i think it's not healthy if we try to dig too much into someone else's motivation ~ heck i can barely understand my own 1/2 the time,  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) .

ok, she might have been interested in what your reaction would be, but that isn't even close to the same category as "reaching out" ... .  she went to a game.  period.  maybe her mum wanted to go but is agorophobic and needed her for support, who knows? 

the important thing, IMO, is what are you going to do to protect yourself.  what can/will you do to stay NC.  how will you keep your need to detach as a #1 priority.

icu2
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« Reply #55 on: November 06, 2013, 03:29:25 PM »

Well... .my 'relationship' was a little different than most of yours'. More like extreme friendship... don't  know how to describe it. FB has the perfect label for it: "it's complicated". It went on for a couple of years. On these boards, I am not giving too much info about it and often describe her as a friend. Sorry about that :-(

Last time I heard from her was like... .almost two months ago. It was probably the nicest and best day I had with her. I accidentally ran into her and we went someplace and talked for 2.5-3 hours. Than all of a sudden: Silent Treatment without any reason. Starting that same day if I recall correctly.

She did this kind of crap quite often. Longest Silent Treatment went on for 6 months. That was pretty horrific. Didn't matter what I wrote or said to her. Longest time no contact would have been in that period. Probably around 2.5 months. She came back though... she always came back.

I tried to 'resist' at times... .but then I would magically see her like 2-4 times a day. Every single freaking day. Kinda hard to 'resist' then.

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« Reply #56 on: November 06, 2013, 03:33:33 PM »

No No No No No No No No No No No!  :)on't do it!  

She has masterfully set this up.  And so far it's working.  Remember, she went to that game on purpose, now she is playing her game - and you are losing.

If you start contacting her again you are going to crash and burn.  You are addicted to her.  Since you are going without her - you are now trying to settle in your mind that a "little" fix would be ok (calling to check on her job status or whatever).  That is your mind LYING TO YOU.

This is not enough, it will never be enough.  There is no such thing as one last time with an addict.  

I say you detox yourself.  Make yourself wait 2 to 3 weeks at least.  TRY to detox.  Tell yourself it's okay to revisit it in 2 or 3 weeks if you still really want to do it, but your commitment right now is to go no contact and try to detox and detach over those 2 to 3 weeks.

Then I would bet she has done something else in that time frame trying to get YOU to crack when this didn't work.  She will be shocked her little visit to your game didn't work.

Her showing up was your trigger, her trying to get you to "use" again.
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« Reply #57 on: November 06, 2013, 03:43:50 PM »

The only thing that is keeping me NC now is pride.

I want to talk to her, text her, but my pride is saying 'Hang about, she f-cked you over, thought the grass was greener, don't give her anything'

Then the otherside says 'You still love and care about her, you need to communicate'

The pride is winning... .At the moment.

No No No No No No No No No No No!  Don't do it! 

She has masterfully set this up.  And so far it's working.  Remember, she went to that game on purpose, now she is playing her game - and you are losing.

If you start contacting her again you are going to crash and burn.  You are addicted to her.  Since you are going without her - you are now trying to settle in your mind that a "little" fix would be ok (calling to check on her job status or whatever).  That is your mind LYING TO YOU.

This is not enough, it will never be enough.  There is no such thing as one last time with an addict. 

I say you detox yourself.  Make yourself wait 2 to 3 weeks at least.  TRY to detox.  Tell yourself it's okay to revisit it in 2 or 3 weeks if you still really want to do it, but your commitment right now is to go no contact and try to detox and detach over those 2 to 3 weeks.

Then I would bet she has done something else in that time frame trying to get YOU to crack when this didn't work.  She will be shocked her little visit to your game didn't work.

Her showing up was your trigger, her trying to get you to "use" again.

No No No No No No No No No No No!  Don't do it! 

She has masterfully set this up.  And so far it's working.  Remember, she went to that game on purpose, now she is playing her game - and you are losing.

If you start contacting her again you are going to crash and burn.  You are addicted to her.  Since you are going without her - you are now trying to settle in your mind that a "little" fix would be ok (calling to check on her job status or whatever).  That is your mind LYING TO YOU.

This is not enough, it will never be enough.  There is no such thing as one last time with an addict. 

I say you detox yourself.  Make yourself wait 2 to 3 weeks at least.  TRY to detox.  Tell yourself it's okay to revisit it in 2 or 3 weeks if you still really want to do it, but your commitment right now is to go no contact and try to detox and detach over those 2 to 3 weeks.

Then I would bet she has done something else in that time frame trying to get YOU to crack when this didn't work.  She will be shocked her little visit to your game didn't work.

Her showing up was your trigger, her trying to get you to "use" again.

No No No No No No No No No No No!  Don't do it! 

She has masterfully set this up.  And so far it's working.  Remember, she went to that game on purpose, now she is playing her game - and you are losing.

If you start contacting her again you are going to crash and burn.  You are addicted to her.  Since you are going without her - you are now trying to settle in your mind that a "little" fix would be ok (calling to check on her job status or whatever).  That is your mind LYING TO YOU.

This is not enough, it will never be enough.  There is no such thing as one last time with an addict. 

I say you detox yourself.  Make yourself wait 2 to 3 weeks at least.  TRY to detox.  Tell yourself it's okay to revisit it in 2 or 3 weeks if you still really want to do it, but your commitment right now is to go no contact and try to detox and detach over those 2 to 3 weeks.

Then I would bet she has done something else in that time frame trying to get YOU to crack when this didn't work.  She will be shocked her little visit to your game didn't work.

Her showing up was your trigger, her trying to get you to "use" again.

I've been detoxing, three weeks is amazing for me!. Seeing her did trigger me. But, I don't believe that's what her purpose was. Her brother was playing and she was with her mum, so I think that's the reason.
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« Reply #58 on: November 06, 2013, 03:45:42 PM »

No No No No No No No No No No No!  :)on't do it!  

She has masterfully set this up.  And so far it's working.  Remember, she went to that game on purpose, now she is playing her game - and you are losing.

If you start contacting her again you are going to crash and burn.  You are addicted to her.  Since you are going without her - you are now trying to settle in your mind that a "little" fix would be ok (calling to check on her job status or whatever).  That is your mind LYING TO YOU.

This is not enough, it will never be enough.  There is no such thing as one last time with an addict.  

I say you detox yourself.  Make yourself wait 2 to 3 weeks at least.  TRY to detox.  Tell yourself it's okay to revisit it in 2 or 3 weeks if you still really want to do it, but your commitment right now is to go no contact and try to detox and detach over those 2 to 3 weeks.

Then I would bet she has done something else in that time frame trying to get YOU to crack when this didn't work.  She will be shocked her little visit to your game didn't work.

Her showing up was your trigger, her trying to get you to "use" again.

My ex used to text this when flirting with me by text... .Uggh!
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« Reply #59 on: November 06, 2013, 03:53:59 PM »

Eric - I think there is a strong possibility she had another motive in coming.  Especially since you said that she hadn't been to any of the other games.  Glad your pride is winning out.  GOOD for that. 

Also - it is possible that you don't really love HER at all.  You love who you have imagined her to be and something about her unavailability to you FEELS like love to you.  This, I am finding from research is usually an issue for nons that stay with these people - and keeps them "drawn" to them.  Keep loving yourself more!

Waifed - sorry about that.  Obviously my post was nowhere near flirty/joking - I was DEAD serious. NO!  We have to save ourselves from these people.  Sorry for that trigger.  I officially change it to:

No contact!  No Contact!  No contact!  No Contact! No Contact!
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« Reply #60 on: November 06, 2013, 03:55:07 PM »

SD --

Brilliant:

I'm really not being a smart-alec in this. I look at it as an investment. As the "manager" of the emotional portfolio the first logical question asked is always, "What is the track record. Is this a safe investment?, What is the margin of gain in relation to RISK of investment".  

One has to ask themselves what IS and be clear what the risks ARE. Sometimes just sitting tight and doing nothing is the SAFER bet when in doubt.

For me at a certain point I just had to STOP THE NONSENSE and the emotional bleed out in the face of potential emotional bankruptcy.

Eric1 --

The only thing that is keeping me NC now is pride.

Perhaps that's why you have it?... .
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« Reply #61 on: November 06, 2013, 04:02:21 PM »

Eric - I think there is a strong possibility she had another motive in coming.  Especially since you said that she hadn't been to any of the other games.  Glad your pride is winning out.  GOOD for that. 

Also - it is possible that you don't really love HER at all.  You love who you have imagined her to be and something about her unavailability to you FEELS like love to you.  This, I am finding from research is usually an issue for nons that stay with these people - and keeps them "drawn" to them.  Keep loving yourself more!

Waifed - sorry about that.  Obviously my post was nowhere near flirty/joking - I was DEAD serious. NO!  We have to save ourselves from these people.  Sorry for that trigger.  I officially change it to:

No contact!  No Contact!  No contact!  No Contact! No Contact!

LMAO!  That is too funny.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #62 on: November 07, 2013, 02:36:24 AM »

Do you think it's because I seen her that i'm feeling like this now?

I can't stop thinking about her, remembering the good times & what we could have had. Thinking What if.

Its bad.
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« Reply #63 on: November 07, 2013, 02:43:19 AM »

You haven't detached Eric - which is natural considering the bond.

When you think of her move the focus onto you and find the reasons why you got involved with a disordered person who could never give you what you wanted.
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« Reply #64 on: November 07, 2013, 02:49:56 AM »

Yes, I think you seeing her could have you ruminating again.  That happened to me some when I seemed to be JUST fine (barely thought of my exh - happy with life and what I was working on) - and then BAM, he text about something out of nowhere and it would start.

I would think - uh, WHAT?  I was just fine two days ago, didn't care what or who he was doing. 

It's part of it.  I promise you it WILL PASS.  It passed for me EVERY time.  You just have to hold out past what you are feeling right in this moment.  Focus on the other things in your life, post here to get your feelings out like you are doing, and read the list of all the horrible things she did AT LEAST once per day.

This will help the longing feelings.  Also, keep your guard up.  Since she hasn't heard from you yet, I'm guessing she will up the anti.  You play poker?  I LOVE it and my bet is - she's going to call your bluff.  Be ready.  The next step may be actually TALKING to you at one of your games.  She will try to get you to go all in.  FOLD.
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« Reply #65 on: November 07, 2013, 03:27:24 AM »

Yes, I think you seeing her could have you ruminating again.  That happened to me some when I seemed to be JUST fine (barely thought of my exh - happy with life and what I was working on) - and then BAM, he text about something out of nowhere and it would start.

I would think - uh, WHAT?  I was just fine two days ago, didn't care what or who he was doing. 

It's part of it.  I promise you it WILL PASS.  It passed for me EVERY time.  You just have to hold out past what you are feeling right in this moment.  Focus on the other things in your life, post here to get your feelings out like you are doing, and read the list of all the horrible things she did AT LEAST once per day.

This will help the longing feelings.  Also, keep your guard up.  Since she hasn't heard from you yet, I'm guessing she will up the anti.  You play poker?  I LOVE it and my bet is - she's going to call your bluff.  Be ready.  The next step may be actually TALKING to you at one of your games.  She will try to get you to go all in.  FOLD.

She won't come to anymore games as her brother has hurt himself and won't be playing for the foreseable future. I think part of it is she didn't make any attempt to speak to me, either in text form or a phone call, just to see how i was etc. But, then again, i told her not to contact me, so... .

I can't see me breaking no contact now.
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« Reply #66 on: November 07, 2013, 05:48:07 AM »

This is driving me insane now. I can't stop thinking about everything, the relationship, the break up, good times, bad times, what ifs, should i contact, shouldn't i, what if i do, what if i don't.

Not doing well at all.
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« Reply #67 on: November 07, 2013, 06:15:31 AM »

Eric -

Of course you feel that way.  That is to be expected.  You have let your mind go like a run away train with skewed thoughts of your ex and the relationship.  Feelings always follow thoughts. 

You have to take control of your mind.  It is there to serve you.  Get out your list (or make it asap if you haven't) of all the crappy things your ex did in the relationship along with her character traits that were harmful or unacceptable to you.  Start reading it - over and over again throughout the day.

Your mind has been building up this way and now your feelings are overflowing.  It will take just a little time to put things back in balance, and then your feelings will start following.

Make a plan.  If you want to try to get through this and not break contact you will have to do this.  If you keep letting your mind run all over you, you will not see the relationship or her clearly, the feelings of longing will intensify and you will break NC only to be hurt again and have to start over.

Try it.  If you are going to contact her anyway, you can always do that in a week or 2 weeks from now.  You don't have to do it right now.  You can try this approach, get control back of yourself and your mind.  Then your feelings will follow.  I promise.  Those feelings you are having now for her are only there because you have been allowing your mind to lie to you.
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« Reply #68 on: November 07, 2013, 06:45:47 AM »

This is driving me insane now. I can't stop thinking about everything, the relationship, the break up, good times, bad times, what ifs, should i contact, shouldn't i, what if i do, what if i don't.

Not doing well at all.

Eric1, first of all, don't be too hard on yourself. A lot of members seem to have trouble these weeks. I personally have a lot of trouble, as I already told you.

And then... I am even in a very different position than most of the members around here: not engaged, not married, no kids etc. etc... Which makes me even feel more ridiculous, because I should have far less trouble coping than the rest of you  :'(

Try to remain strong. Like other people said: detox. I will try it again as well. And again, and again if I must.

Hang on.

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« Reply #69 on: November 07, 2013, 07:10:28 AM »

I would like to get back with her - Thats my problem.
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« Reply #70 on: November 07, 2013, 10:23:23 AM »

eric1. I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting to b eback with her. I still want back with mine. I have to see mine alot through our work and she makes sure I see her. BUt what has helped me is why would I really go back. I have wnet back 10 times at least from small 3 or 4 days break ups to 2 month break ups and each time it was almost identical over and over. She would promise the world, deliever for a few weeks and then the same things would start again. and then the push away and then break up. I figured out that this relationship has cost me 3 yeasr of my life and about $10,000. not alot but more then I would want to throw away and thats what i did. wasted time and money and if I went back it would be the same. Thats what helps me. Heys, its been 4 months out of hell and I do feel pretty good.
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Eric1
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« Reply #71 on: November 07, 2013, 11:04:25 AM »

eric1. I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting to b eback with her. I still want back with mine. I have to see mine alot through our work and she makes sure I see her. BUt what has helped me is why would I really go back. I have wnet back 10 times at least from small 3 or 4 days break ups to 2 month break ups and each time it was almost identical over and over. She would promise the world, deliever for a few weeks and then the same things would start again. and then the push away and then break up. I figured out that this relationship has cost me 3 yeasr of my life and about $10,000. not alot but more then I would want to throw away and thats what i did. wasted time and money and if I went back it would be the same. Thats what helps me. Heys, its been 4 months out of hell and I do feel pretty good.

I haven't had to put up with all the crap, but I do miss the other parts of her. Would I be different? Yes, i've learnt a lot, about her & about me. Would she be different? I don't know. She's still seeing this new bloke, so theres not much i can do!
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« Reply #72 on: November 07, 2013, 11:16:02 AM »

I would like to get back with her - Thats my problem.

eric big kudos to you for 1) being able to admit that to yourself and 2) being able to admit it to us.

many many many times i heard myself saying the right words ("it's over, i'm never taking her back, i'm through, never again, i want to detach from her" etc) but not really meaning it.  or being torn.  feeling ambiguous.

as they say in 12 step programs, admitting the problem is the 1st step.  but then you have to do a lot of work!

and you have to dig and read and lean on people to get to that space where you will do what you know is right for you, even tho you want (perhaps even desperately at times, in the fetal position) to do what you know is not right for you, not in your best interests.

the people, the knowledge, the kinship, the understanding, on these boards are priceless.

i believe you have the capacity to do what is best for you, eric. 
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« Reply #73 on: November 07, 2013, 01:32:15 PM »

Reckon I should just drop her a message then? See how things are?
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« Reply #74 on: November 07, 2013, 01:47:06 PM »

For me this has always been true: Nothing happens until the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change.

You'll know if and when you are ready to let her go. Maybe you just haven't had enough yet. Maybe you never will. Only you can decide that.

Personally, I have an extremely low tolerance for emotional pain, so as soon as something toxic enters my life, as much as I may love it, I know I have to let it go. Sometimes I wish I was stronger in that sense. Maybe I didn't fight hard enough. Maybe my replacement will fight harder than I did. But I'd rather be without my ex-BPD than in the ground with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Morbid, yes. But for me, reality.

Just be honest with yourself. If you contact her, and something doesn't feel right. Don't ignore it.
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« Reply #75 on: November 07, 2013, 02:17:35 PM »

I don't know. She's seeing someone & I'm not one to get involved. But, she called and texted me. I asked does her new bloke know and she said yes. I then asked 'to the extent you have been?' She said no. She's broke no contact before, does that mean I can?
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ucmeicu2
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« Reply #76 on: November 07, 2013, 02:24:39 PM »

Reckon I should just drop her a message then? See how things are?

me?  no i didn't say that.  this board is "L3 Leaving: detaching from the wounds of a failed BPD r/s" (Support for those in a failed or failing romantic relationship ) so generally the advice you'll get here is how to DETACH.  but, as someone else said, maybe you're not ready for that yet.  how much worse does it have to get with her, how much more pain do you reckon you need, to be ready to detach?

have you checked out other boards, like

"L5 Staying: improving a r/s w/ a borderline partner (support for those committed to working on a romantic r/s"... .or

"L2 Undecided: staying or leaving (support for assessing a romantic r/s)... .

but... .then again, didn't you say she has a new boyfriend?  so, you're not IN a r/s with her anymore, right?   still, much good reading on L5 and L2.  sometimes seeing how much pain others' are in and stay in, in order to keep a r/s w/a pwBPD alive, can be very eye-opening.

i rather like the advice you've been given here to wait 1-2 weeks and then if you still want to contact her, revisit the issue with yourself.  in the meantime, look to the right hand side of these boards - lots of good reading - might even consider it "must read" for healing.  besides, what's the harm in waiting 2 weeks?  (and, if we realize we can't wait, or it's very difficult to wait, is a good indicator that we are addicted to the pwBPD ~ and what's a good strategy for an addiction?  NC!)

I don't know. She's seeing someone & I'm not one to get involved. But, she called and texted me. I asked does her new bloke know and she said yes. I then asked 'to the extent you have been?' She said no. She's broke no contact before, does that mean I can?

umm, you already did break NC, when you answered her calls, and read and/or responded to her texts.  but NC is not mandatory nor is it the end all be all of cures.  we put it in place to protect ourselves, to give us time to think, to understand, and to heal.  are you giving yourself the opportunity to do that.  think.

good luck on your journey,

icu2




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« Reply #77 on: November 07, 2013, 02:27:19 PM »

Eric,

What everyone is trying to tell you is YOU have to be ready to move on.  They are also telling you indirectly that you may recycle with her again, maybe again, etc. but eventually you will be where you are right now.  YOU have to be ready to move one.  It is HARD.  I am 2-1/2 months or so NC and it is still hard for me at times.  I still think about her every day, but I know 100% that I am not going back. I now realize that it is NEVER going to work with her.  She is mentally ill and refuses to accept or believe it.  YOU will eventually get to this point.  If she is BPD you have already gotten the best you will ever get out of her.  I promise you that.  It does NOT improve for any extended amount of time.  Hang tough. We are all here for you.
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Eric1
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« Reply #78 on: November 07, 2013, 03:02:03 PM »

I need patience. I was doing fine until I seen her Saturday, so I'll let this phase pass.

Part of me hopes we can eventually sort everything out and get back, then part tells me to move on.

I've been with other girls & I have defenitly got my mojo back. So, it's only a matter of time before I find someone else. I think that's when I will only truely move on.
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BlackOrWhite

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« Reply #79 on: November 07, 2013, 03:17:05 PM »

She won't come to anymore games as her brother has hurt himself and won't be playing for the foreseable future. I think part of it is she didn't make any attempt to speak to me, either in text form or a phone call, just to see how i was etc. But, then again, i told her not to contact me, so... .

I can't see me breaking no contact now. [/quote]
Well than thats good. At least she is expecting your wishes and boundaries. That is pretty big for a BPD. I mean she could be calling you 20 times a day from different numbers or sending you crazy emails or stalking you.
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BlackOrWhite

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« Reply #80 on: November 07, 2013, 03:18:00 PM »

wow sorry i don't know how to quote and half those words were spelled wrong, sorry on a phone.
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« Reply #81 on: November 07, 2013, 03:24:02 PM »

I need patience. I was doing fine until I seen her Saturday, so I'll let this phase pass.

Part of me hopes we can eventually sort everything out and get back, then part tells me to move on.

I've been with other girls & I have defenitly got my mojo back. So, it's only a matter of time before I find someone else. I think that's when I will only truely move on.

Eric,

I'd caution you on being dependent on finding someone else in order to help you move on.  Maybe that isn't exactly what you meant, but there is a lot of work many of us (myself included) need to do in order to find happiness for ourselves, without depending on someone else to provide that happiness or fill that emptiness inside of us. As everyone else has said, that is hard to do, but it is worth it.  I'm recovering from losing a BPD wife that I loved dearly, but who upped and left out of nowhere.  I never want to feel the devastation I felt those first two months afterwards ever again... .I've since come to realize some of that pain was due to shortcomings of my own, namely being fully dependent on someone else for my happiness.  Unlike someone else's issues, be they BPD or otherwise, that is something I am actually able to fix for myself. 

Keep chugging along Eric... .it will get better.
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« Reply #82 on: November 07, 2013, 03:43:46 PM »



I've been with other girls & I have defenitly got my mojo back. So, it's only a matter of time before I find someone else. I think that's when I will only truely move on.

Thadda boy! Dats right! Your young. Dang... .you only live once, live it UP!

Or live it DOWN.   Either way that's on you.  
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« Reply #83 on: November 07, 2013, 05:38:48 PM »

Staff only

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