hopeless

[lena7]

Hey there... I haven't posted for a while. This is the second time this week that I try to post something. First time I almost get caught by my hBPD. I am heavily surveilled and very rarely do I have a chance to sit down and read this forum.

I am hopeless. My hBPD doesn't want to do therapy or see a psychiatrist. He believes all therapists are con men, only there to get their pay checks. So, every day life is a living nightmare. We have good times, of course, but when you weigh good against bad, bad always wins.

I am exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. I am a nerve-wreck, and a prisoner to this house. I feel stuck and overwhelmed, and the worst thing, if it wasn't for you guys, I don't have anybody to talk. I can't have friends, and my family doesn't have any idea of what's going on. They live overseas, and he ruined most of the relationships that I had with them.

Anyway, I'm going on a rant.

I have a question though, are pwBPD compulsive liars, or even sadistic? My h shows some of those traits.

Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lena7]

I'm sorry, I mean "my h WON'T do therapy or see a psychiatrist" 

[lena7]

I thought I meant a mistake and I really didn't LOL... .that's how exhausted I am

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi lena7

First things first:       

It sounds like you're really tired, and really fed up with your situation. That's a tough spot to be in, and I recognise myself in it as I'm sure many members here do. I used to be so tired, without hope and plain exhausted. It can get better, I promise!

In what way is he sadistic? Are you scared of him?

It's a bit blunt, but I believe it's better to get things out in the open. Know that we're here for you.

As for the lying, it seems to be par for the course. Not so much because they want to lie, but because they are constantly adjusting their "reality" to go with their feelings or because they want to express something they feel and then adjust the truth to correspond with the feeling. For someone who has BPD, feelings = facts. So the real, cold facts are no held in that high regard.

[MammaMia]

Lena

Welcome.  So glad you are here.

I have been in your situation.  Mentally ill husband who refuses help.  :)o you have children?  :)o you have family or friends to help support you emotionally?  May I ask why you stay with your h?

You are in a lonely and very frightening place.

What you need is someone to share your frustrations with and to offer suggestions and/or advice.  Can you tell us more about your situation?  

Please let us help.  

[lena7]

Thank you both for responding... I already feel a little better

Sadistic is an ugly word, but on some episodes, he'd say things like "I'm going to make you suffer". And yes, I'm afraid of him, and he's been violent in the past. not extremely violent, but enough to qualify as physical abuse. After the last violent episode (which was around half a year ago), he promised me he wouldn't do that again, and he's been keeping his promise.

To be honest, I think the only reason why I'm still in the relationship is because I'm trapped (economically). I am from another country, don't have any family or friends here. Nobody in my family knows he's like this. As I said before, he made sure I'm not speaking to my relatives. He ruined my relationships with family and closest friends.

I do have a 3 year old, and I'm afraid she'll suffer the consequences of being raised by a BPD parent. For most of the time he treats her very well, but he can't tolerate whining for a second. Although I know he loves her and he'd never be violent towards her, but he yells and he outbursts in front of her, throws things, curses without any control, even when I tell him please not to do it in front of the kid.

[MammaMia]

Lena

I am sorry.  I know what it is like to live in fear.  Having a small child and economic issues make the stress 100 times worse for you. 

Have you ever spoken to a therapist or domestic violence advocate?  I would urge you to do so if you can.  Everything is confidential, but you need to let someone know what is going on.  This is not your fault or that of your small daughter, and both of you need protection from your h's threats and violence. 

This is abuse and you are right to have concerns about the future emotional repercussions of living with a h who is abusive and cruel.

I am sorry your family is far away.  Undoubtedly, your h would never allow you and your child to visit them.  Has your family ever visited you?

Please check into getting some hands on support at home.  There are many people who can help you.  All you need to do is ask.

Please keep us posted.

[dawnjd]

Many Hugs to you Lena!

Ditto on what MammaMia said. Seeing a therapist of domestic violence advocate will help you get perspective and discussion options. What he is doing is considered abuse. The lessons at the website are very good at helping you develop boundaries for such actions.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

lena 7,

I can see how you're in a very difficult situation. I, too, live in another country with my dBPDbf. It was really tough at times, and to add worries about you child and violence on top of that, I can't imagine.

I don't have children myself, but I know senior members here with children say that you can be a good influence in your child's life just by being calm and stable and talking about "daddy's behaviours" in an age appropriate language where the child feels heard and understands that it's not their fault that daddy is angry.

I would consider putting together a Safety plan, ie having money and extra car keys in your purse, having copies of important papers and pass port stashed away etc. You might never need it, but at least you won't have to think on your feet if ever something happens again.

Have you had a chance to look at some of the lessons or articles? Focusing on keeping the tension low is probably the best thing you can do right now. We have

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

and

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

They are really good and has helped many of us here in rough times.

How are you today?

[Chosen]

Hi lena7

I was in your position, so I know how that feels. 

My uBPDh does not believe in psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, counsellors... .he thinks he knows best, but I think deep down it's because he doesn't want other people to know who he really is, and he's scared that these professionals are able to do so.

I've had the odd physical episode before, just like you, and I agree that we should not need to live in this kind of fear.  Since then, I have had a safety plan in place, which requires some preparations like putting extra clothes and necessities at the office (in case I don't get to go back home, then at least I will be able to get changed the next day at the office), have some extra cash stashed somewhere, etc.  Not very big things and things I haven't used before, but makes me feel more at ease. 

Even though I'm not in a foreign country like you, my closest relatives are either passed/ not in the country, so nobody can offer immediate help.  He doesn't like some of my relatives and paints them black, so it's not like he wants to talk to them.  There is a single relative who knows the things I have been through and I know if things happen I can get help from her, and I have a sometimes-counsellor (not officially; she is a counsellor but I'm not meeting her as a patient/ target but more like a friend) who knows everything and she also lives relatively nearby so she could possibly offer help if needed.  Make sure there is at least 1 other person who knows your situation.  If not, contact a shelter, if the only thing it helps is to make you feel heard.

Lastly, I think that while you are still in the relationship, it is worth tapping into the Lessons and learning the tools.  They will not change things overnight, but they do change things for the better in the long run, with or without the pwBPD getting help.  It has helped me tremendously, not only practically, but also because I know that I’m not a victim in all this, that I have some ways to hold myself together, to take charge of the situation.

Take care and I hope you keep posting here to update us.

[lena7]

Thank you everyone for the information and the encouragement 

My h is out of the house, and I took advantage of the oportunity to come here and read your responses. Thank you! I'll read the material.

[briefcase]

I'd like to suggest that you reach out to your family - just give them a call.  Being isolated, like you are right now, is a terrible condition.  Many of us have been there. 

I'm concerend about his history of domestic violence.  Have you contacted a local domestic violence support group or agency?  They often have valuable information for you.