Help I suffering under by BPD wife

[breakfreerut]

For 2 years I've been wondering why my wife over reacts one minute then can be as sweet as an angel the next.  I read the book "Stop walking on eggshells" and it has been an eyeopener for me.  My reaction to her I realized from my Psychiatrist is only encouraging her and making things worse for her.  However, I don't have the tools to handle my own emotions and I'm struggling with depression myself.  What makes it more complicated is we have been evicted from our rental last week because of the loud arguments that had been going on.  My wife was warned and the notice was inevitable.  I'm to blame to as I should have like me psychiatrist told me to pull a blank face.  Something extremely hard for me to do.  The complication is that my wife now have left home without even saying a word.  One day I returned home and her luggage, computer and essential things were gone.  I has been 6 days now.  My reaction in trying to rebuke her only encouraged her as my Physch said.  I have about 2 weeks to leave the premises and am wondering if I should do it this weekend since my wife is still not giving me a direct answer as to when she will return.  I have to make some hard decisions on my own and either risk her throwing a fit if she returns before then.  I'm at a lost.  can someone please advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[peaceplease]

breakfreerut,

.  I am glad that you found this site.  I am sorry for your need to be here.  I am sorry that you have been evicted due to loud arguments with your wife.  Wow, you have a lot going on!  Do you have a new place to move into, yet?

You say that you have a tough time with your own emotions.  I think we have a tendency to be dysregulated  at times when we have a person with BPD in our lives.

Sorry, I have no advice, but I can recommend some links for you.

Here are a few links I'd like to recommend:  Top 50 most often asked question

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

These relationships are frustrating with cycles of conflict followed by periods of bliss. It's common to feel like you can't go on today, and then be back in the saddle next week and doing OK. Push and pull. We have a process called "Choosing a Path" and the senior members on [L2] Undecided : Staying or Leaving will help you get out of the day to day chaos long enough to look at your options and understand how you really feel. You will also benefit if you learn the "Stop the bleeding" tools such as validation, techniques for erecting and maintaining boundaries, and using time outs.

Please let us know if there is anything we can help you find.

When you are ready, please come back and post.

peaceplease

[breakfreerut]

thanks for the links.

your comments about using "time out"  I've tried that for 2 years and it didn't work.  Instead she kept charging at me.  I tried setting and example for her for 2 years to call for time-out and when I'm expected to return but caved in.

My Psych says my efforts won't work.  It will only encourage her behaviour.  My psych says just leave without  even saying  a word the next time with a blank face.

That's terribly difficult for me to do.

I'm now suffering for all the things I was doing wrong that would have worked with a non-BPD.

[breakfreerut]

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse[/b]

I was just reading this P3 says , " The effective thing to do is anything that brings your arousal down and help you respond differently"

... and one of the suggestion was , "... distract yourself away from the argument by doing something else" 

This suggestion made it worse for me as my wife took it avoiding her and she started to react violently... setting me down like a child, locking me into the bedroom and infantalizing me!

what other suggestion you have that work?

[breakfreerut]

I feel like ice inside.  Still no sign of wife's return and my time on the premises is running out.  Am planning to move out this week end.  But on the other hand fear that my actions will trigger another violent row with her.  I called her work place and she's not there, don't seem like she quit either. 

I need to know what to do as I'm at a lost.  Meanwhile, I'm just packing stuff and putting them at a friend's place.  My plan is to head to either a backpackers till she returns can call me or go to her sister's place to live for awhile.

I don't know I'm shivering inside

Please someone help me.

[WiseMind]

  Please take care of you, breakfreerut. And contact your psych if you feel like you are spiraling out of control emotionally. I'm so sorry you are going through this and I know this is so difficult to hear, but I think you should at least temporarily separate yourself from your wife. It sounds like this is more than you can handle right now and you need to take care of you before you can handle the situation you are in. Please let us know how you are doing and best of luck to you, mate.

-WM

[breakfreerut]

I've been thinking about separation for awhile myself too but the greatest pull-back is that it'll be worse because resentment, bitterness and anger will build up inside of me.  I've been trying my best to let go but I can't shake it off. 

Another pscyh (Leslie Vernick) also suggests separation but it has to be done well.

I do agree it is better to separate for a while but to separate with ill feeling will do more damage than good for me psychologically especially emotionally. 

I've been cycling everyday for 1hr and trying to shake off any ill thoughts and feelings but it keeps resurfacing.

I've been doing breathing exercises like my psych advised but helps only a while and the thoughts return.  I feel like tearing out my insides if I only can.  I remember I used to be able to put aside my emotions and work... but I 'm now consumed by this.

[breakfreerut]

I sent my wife an email that I was moving out this weekend 

She immediately sent a reply email  that she was going to return home.

First she said that she has left town (didn't say where either) - I'm surprised that she can return so soon!

I know its a lie from the beginning.

Now I'm with all this information that people are posting me here to validate her, not to be self-righteous and those with BPD needs lots of valiadation...

... how should I respond if she turns up tonight?

Should I hug her when she returns or should I just pull a blank face like my psych told me when she tries to infantilize me yet again?

What should me response be?

[Dr.Me2]

It is not you that has the emotional dysregulation, it is she that assumes that you will take care of all her lack of emotional control, so she is the one in need of help and you will need to find the tools (easier said than done).

You need to prepare your emotional core to be in good shape and to understand she is fragile to any wave so you can stand any emotional tide as they brush a solid strong rock at shore standing there facing all currents, tides and weather.

You let the tides, currents and weather to come and go. For them that is impossible.

STAY STRONG!

[breakfreerut]

My wife returned last night and I suppose when I told her that I was moving out this weekend I think she felt that she was loosing control.

I had a surprise call from her (and I thought that her phone was dead all the last 7 days as there the voice mail kept kicking in).  I rehearsed what I was going to do 4 hrs before that and prayed that I have the wisdom to handle her return.

I thought to myself I should say, "welcome home!" with a smile.  When I picked her up there wasn't a return smile.  So I practiced my new tools ... I have to see past her reactions and see her as one needing help.

The book "Stop walking on eggshells" advised not to tell one with BPD that they have BPD but to leave it to the psych to do it.  I guess I have to live a secret life mission to find more tools to help her.

First, like someone told me on this site, I need to recover first from the emotional storm within before I can begin to help her.

[breakfreerut]

Manipulation, emotional blackmail, web of lies are, and unwillingness to change characterized by people with BPD...

So in those good times... what can I do to help change this?

Any tools out there?

[breakfreerut]

Breaking News!

Picked her up at work... .she lost her job... this week is her last!

honestly, all I heard was she blaming me for it - all I can do is remember not to believe that it was my fault.  Something I learnt recently.  A belief of something about myself will run me into more trouble... .which will cause me to react and quickly drive both of us into spiral.

I was shaking inside.  Despite my Psych's advice not to return home immediately after work.  But what was I supposed to do?  It is pouring rain, I have to pick her up from work?  Too soft I'm hearing an inner voice saying to me.

There was silence throughout dinner, just the essentials.  After dinner,  she just sat at the table looking blank into space.  I knew trouble was just about to break.

I explained to her the night she returned home on Thursday night about my very unstable and fragile emotions... at the moment I'm not strong enough to handle someone else's.  Had no choice but to take my medications to stablise myself and brace myself for the worst.

I holding myself to pull a straight face.  no emotion.  blank face just like the doctor ordered for her own good and perhaps mine too. 

I can only think and imagine to myself... .waves crashing over me but remembering that I can't last long and Jesus have to be my rock in front of me... or I'll break soon.\

She asked me to hug her for comfort while I was still trying to brush away my own thoughts while I was sitting in front of the computer. 

I remember "validation" of feelings for a BPD.  I had no words for words would deceive and let me down.  So I thought to myself it was a reasonable request and so I hugged her saying nothing... .keeping my mind with the image of waves crashing over me taking shelter from Jesus' rock in front of me!

How long can I withstand?  Our living situation and finances isn't looking healthy either.  we've been stagnant for the whole year breaking even.  Not that it her income mattered one bit either as she spent most of it on herself while I have to keep supporting our living expenses and high medical bills for the year! 

I remind myself, any logical explanation washes over a BPD.  I've been telling her the story about the grasshopper and the ant relating to finances but it never caught on with her.

What can I do?  I can't find the tools to help myself let alone help her?

[123Phoebe]

Hi breakfreerut

Gosh, relating to a partner with BPD can be very complicated and stressful at times; you are not alone in your struggles   The good news is that you're on the right track with the questions you're asking and focusing on yourself!

First, like someone told me on this site, I need to recover first from the emotional storm within before I can begin to help her.

Accepting our reality, as it stands right now, this very minute, is a good starting point for change.  Focusing on ourselves and how we can calm the storm within helps to give us a better perspective of where to go from here... .

If it's possible to carve out a little quiet time, the following links might be pretty helpful:

TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

There is a ton of invaluable information available here, it can be overwhelming at first as our tendency to "fix" seems to be activated by these relationships, and with all this newfound knowledge it's easy to want to dive into that mode-- fix our partners!

My advice would be to take things slow and kinda ease into this... . 

While taking super good care of yourself



It's good to have you here,

Phoebe

[breakfreerut]

I am trapped like a rat in the corner.

If the BPD cannot be told that they have a condition then how can I they recover?

The harassement goes on and the turmoil inside stirs like whirlpool.  The blame and projection continues.

how can I continue being a tree?  and stand in front of her and be a doormat. 

how can I be hold up when the BPD continues to put words into my mouth.

They make up stories and continue to distort all that I say and did not say.

How can I pull a straight face?  ... in the face of all this?

[waverider]

Validate yourself first of all.

Work out what you want for you and be consistent in what you do regardless of your wifes input.

She wants a reaction from you, whatever that may be, and she will keep tugging you in many directions just to get you to react. She is soothing her own inner chaos by projecting it on to you in whatever form she can. Chaos shared is chaos halved.

How will she acknowledge she has issues? Not until avenues of soothing by projection are cut off. This is achieved by you living your own stable and consistent life, without your decisions and actions being dependent on her, or reactive in any way.

Any change or boundary will be met with an aggressive reaction, or extinction burst. This why your responses to certain situation are best thought out in advance, rather than on the spur of the moment, or she will take you off guard.

[READY2LEAVE]

Hi

Been there.

I feel for you.

Where was your wife when she was gone?

BPD's are prone to impulsive behavior.

My wife had an affair-short but nonetheless. Blamed me. Always my fault.

You need to have your eyes and mind open. Don't get distracted by their drama.

You are a nice, lovable person. Were you "targeted" as a easy prey? Were you really loved? Don't you deserve better?

These are questions I struggle with myself as I have not left yet, though I see the light that I need to put my emotional and physical health a higher priority despite the fact I am unselfish by nature.

[breakfreerut]

Validate yourself first of all.

Work out what you want for you and be consistent in what you do regardless of your wifes input.

She wants a reaction from you, whatever that may be, and she will keep tugging you in many directions just to get you to react. She is soothing her own inner chaos by projecting it on to you in whatever form she can. Chaos shared is chaos halved.

How will she acknowledge she has issues? Not until avenues of soothing by projection are cut off. This is achieved by you living your own stable and consistent life, without your decisions and actions being dependent on her, or reactive in any way.

Any change or boundary will be met with an aggressive reaction, or extinction burst. This why your responses to certain situation are best thought out in advance, rather than on the spur of the moment, or she will take you off guard.

 Man what an eye opener!  I really feel you know what you're talking about!  My problem is actually living this out in practical terms.  Great advice!  But I'm right now so very disturbed that I find myself loosing memory and can't eve think logically.  she has taken away my self-worth for the last 2.5 years and left me now crippled!  I'm trying my best to regain by setting boundaries and especially not react - which is my greatest weakness.  i've been practising mindfulness and it does help just 2 days ago.  i didn't react while she was throwing vehement words at me.  instead I acted like a tree.

:'( sadly I was dying inside and I couldn't sleep the whole night till the next morning.  I was a rotting tree!  Hollow inside waiting to collapse.

[breakfreerut]

Hi

Been there.

I feel for you.

Where was your wife when she was gone?

She claims to the country - but I certainly doubt.  why would I believe her when she has lied to her sister and her boss?  Until now I can't really be sure where she went.  On one hand I'm glad she's back because then I didn't have to leave the rental with torment inside.  But on the other hand I was hoping that she would return so that I can have my life back.  either way I still loose, as she haunts me whether present or absent.

[waverider]

The more you learn the more dysfunctionalities you see that you were blissfully unaware of before. Recovery is a slow evolution. Often you don't realize what progress you have made until you look back on where you where.

There is a fair bit of acting the part before it becomes reinforced to the point it is natural and comes from within.

Stick at it