Things are feeling hopeless

[Cloudy Days]

Me and my husband have been getting along really great. He's been applying for disability since 2009. He finally got a hearing a little while ago and we just got what we expected to be an answer in the mail. They want him to see their doctors before they make a decision! He's seen 2 doctors and 2 therapists, gotten neuropsychological testing that proves he has brain damage and all of his doctors agree he can't work. We also have a lawyer, this is so exhausting and just disappointing. My husband does not want to talk to another doctor, he doesn't trust them in the first place especially not a government hired doctor. I suspect he will go, but not without a ton of rumination and blow ups before hand. This is one of the most stressful things he's had to go though and it just keeps getting more stressful. This is the type of thing that triggers his major episodes. I've been able to keep him from attacking me for the moment by Validating him but he's still very worked up and it just makes me nervous. When I get up to take a break from his hatred speech towards others he feels abandoned. He's told me before he just needs to vent, he's not attacking me but I still feel uncomfortable with what he is saying and It makes me jumpy and uneasy. I really pray that he can let it go for the moment and move on until he has to see this other doctor. He's actually already seen one of their doctors and the guy didn't do crap. He asked him a couple questions and then sent him on his way and denied him (we appealed). I have a feeling they won't talk to me because they wouldn't last time. I feel very angry over this because if anyone knows what my husband goes through from day to day it would be me. He has memory problems from the brain damage and can't answer a lot of their questions. It's just amazing to me how clear cut it is that he can't work and they are still playing games.

To top it all off I'm sick and my grandma was just put in Hospice care, so I can't see her until I'm not sick. It just never ends.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allibaba]

      

So sorry.  So stressful.  Especially about your grandma. 

Hang in there Cloudy Days... .there will be more sunshine on the horizon soon!

Disability is a maze of bureaucracy.  Its a pain but some day he'll get on disability.  Sorry that you have to go through this.

[PrettyPlease]

When I get up to take a break from his hatred speech towards others he feels abandoned. He's told me before he just needs to vent, he's not attacking me but I still feel uncomfortable with what he is saying and It makes me jumpy and uneasy. I really pray that he can let it go for the moment and move on until he has to see this other doctor.

Hi Cloudy Days

You've expressed this well and I know exactly what it's like because I went through it hundreds of times. It's an awful feeling to be vented on like this. I can't really give you much except the recommendation for prayer if you're committed to staying, because the only way I could end it was to put up an absolute barrier that said: I won't let you do that to me anymore. In fact it was a pivotal change in my relationship with uBPDexgf, twice -- first it was what moved me out, and many years later it was what stopped me talking to her on the telephone.

Not much help, I know. Maybe somebody else has better tools for how to deal with it.

I just wanted to say, really, that I know that it's very very hard to be vented on like that repeatedly. And of course your husband has a good reason for doing it, as did my girlfriend, she thought. (Except that there's no good reason for doing it, no matter what the reason. But a BPD person doesn't understand that, which is what makes it such an awful condition.)


Hang in there, 

the U.S. Cavalry will arrive eventually.   

PP

[Mara2]

Oh yes, I've been down this road.  Thankfully we got to the other side of the tunnel and are now on disability, but it takes a long time and a lot of tears.  I think they deny you just to weed out the ones who are not desperate enough to keep going. 

I found that allowing my husband to vent was reinforcing his bad behavior and it would never change if I did not change.  We give in to his feelings of abandonment for peace between us- not a good exchange in the long run. 

I found that it helped a little for me to validate his feelings (this is really frustrating) and try to re-direct into humor or another way of venting (lets punch pillows and pretend they are the doctors!)  If I could get him to see the humor in it then he tended to calm down. 

There were times he just did not want to be re-directed and then I would tell him, "We've been sitting a long time, lets go take a walk" or something to get him up and moving.  Eventually the venting would ease.  Anything to keep him from dwelling on what he was dreading.

When we were applying for disability we were told that it was almost routine to be denied the first two times and then you had to fight through the third time.  It is good you have an attorney and they will help you through it.  Good luck! 

[allibaba]

Oh yes, I've been down this road.  Thankfully we got to the other side of the tunnel and are now on disability, but it takes a long time and a lot of tears.  I think they deny you just to weed out the ones who are not desperate enough to keep going. 

I found that allowing my husband to vent was reinforcing his bad behavior and it would never change if I did not change.  We give in to his feelings of abandonment for peace between us- not a good exchange in the long run. 

I found that it helped a little for me to validate his feelings (this is really frustrating) and try to re-direct into humor or another way of venting (lets punch pillows and pretend they are the doctors!)  If I could get him to see the humor in it then he tended to calm down. 

There were times he just did not want to be re-directed and then I would tell him, "We've been sitting a long time, lets go take a walk" or something to get him up and moving.  Eventually the venting would ease.  Anything to keep him from dwelling on what he was dreading.

When we were applying for disability we were told that it was almost routine to be denied the first two times and then you had to fight through the third time.  It is good you have an attorney and they will help you through it.  Good luck! 

Hey Cloudy Days,

I obviously have no experience with disability etc, but this seems like a really sound approach rooted in the lessons/ tools/ etc.

It seems to make sense that they will make you jump through a million hoops/ otherwise everyone would be on disability.  Hang in there!

[dazednconfused2954]

Im sorry your feeling hopeless. I am too... .I thought after5 years I really new her and I didn't at all. She still contacts me even tho she is with someone new and she and her friends act like this is normal. I don't get it at all.

[Cloudy Days]

I think what is causing my husband so much distress is that we were told this hearing would be the last thing we had to do. He's been denied several times, we were told the hearing would provide the final decision. Then we get the anticlimactic letter in the mail saying they want their own doctors to look at him. It's a joke to me because our doctors apparently aren't good enough to decide whether he can work. I think you are right in that they deny anyone just to see if you will jump through their hoops. Not every person applying for disability has the low stress tolerance my husband has so I feel it is harder on him. Everything is though I suppose. 

He's calmed down about it now, we got the appointment in the mail saying when he is scheduled to go. He's been such a roller coaster lately though. Really wonderful highs and really low, lows in the same day. It's exhausting.

[briefcase]

That's quite a lot on your plate Cloudy Days.  I'm sorry to hear about your grandma.  I've been through that too.  

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you can do much to control the process of the disability claim. If they want an "independent" medical evaluation, they're going to get it.  It's probably best to keep validating his emotions.  I'm sure he's feeling a lot of frustration, disappointment and anger in not getting a final determination.

Throughout all of this, it's critical that you also take good care of yourself.  Make sure you keep up with the fundamentals - eating right, getting some exercise, sleeping, and doing some things for yourself.  

When you feel hopeless and worn out, it's hard to "be there" for anyone else and things can easily spiral.  

I'm pulling for you.  Hang in there.     

[Cloudy Days]

I am trying to take care of myself. I draw a lot and scrapbook as well. I took yesterday off just for the sake of having a day off. It was ok, still had to deal with the up and down of my husband. I tried to finish a special project I was working on and the pen I needed to use ran out of ink... . It's always something. His drama aside I got some much needed relaxation, just wish there was time for more.