She wanted NC and broke it

[Jjjiiikkk]

I am brand new here. I've been doing a lot of reading on BPD and believe my ex suffers from it. However, I am not a doctor so I can't be sure. All I know is that she has displayed many of the symptoms/actions. I myself am trying to establish if I am BPD! It's been a very confusing time in my life.

After a 3month long, drawn out break up she ended it with me with some very harsh words. Then she said she never wanted to see or speak to be again. We lived together (2bedroom with a roommate/friend in the second bedroom) and she asked me to move out and to speak with the roommate about collecting my things (she kicked me out once before so not much is left in the apartment). I told the roommate yesterday that I would be collecting my things tomorrow.

Our NC only started Nov 8th (barley anytime at all, but time seems to take forever during it). She initiated it. Today I get a text from her saying 'Hi' and asking me for a favor because she has no one else to go to. She wants me to take her to the doctors tomorrow at 630am. I, given that I still can't get over or hate her, obliged. Then she said if I wanted to I could stay the night (she would sleep on the couch).  I have not responded to the text about staying the night. I know what staying will do to me. Being in that apartment will bring all my sadness and anxiety back. Being surrounded by the walls I once called home with someone I thought I was going to marry. We talked a lot about marriage and our future, we were both so sure about it. Being in that apartment will kill what little healing I've tried to do. Right now I can barely get out of bed to go to work, and barely work once I get there. Home has been an important thing to me. My folks moved over seas right around the time I met her and she and her parents house became my home.

She could easily take a cab. Easily. Which she said, "if you can't I can take a cab both ways". Why would she want to contact me? Is this a push/pull type thing?

[Jjjiiikkk]

It is probably worth noting that the new place I have is about 45mins away.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi J, before I say anything else, I want to welcome you to the community. 

I'm sorry to hear about how hard this break up has been for you. You're not alone, I had a very difficult time getting out and going to work after I broke up with my exBPDgf too.

Since you've been researching BPD, you know that that push-pull dynamic is usually prevalent in relationships with a BPD individual. It sounds like you might've been caught up in that during the prolonged break up and still are.

One thing that I've found personally difficult when dealing with my exBPDgf was that I could not trust what she said. So just because a pwBPD says they never want to see you again doesn't mean that's the last you'll hear from them, very often it's not.

Depending on how important it is to you, if you don't want to see her, could you arrange to pay for her cab? That way you would still be able to help her but avoid seeing her if you don't want to. She may see that as you not living up to your words, but how important is that is to you?

If you still plan to drive her, I would avoid sleeping over because of the memories it might bring back while your break up is so fresh. She may also use that as an opportunity to reconnect with you, is that something you'd like to happen? Repeated break up and make up cycles are often common when in a BPD relationship.

Hang in there, J. 

[Jjjiiikkk]

Hi J, before I say anything else, I want to welcome you to the community. 

I'm sorry to hear about how hard this break up has been for you. You're not alone, I had a very difficult time getting out and going to work after I broke up with my exBPDgf too.

Since you've been researching BPD, you know that that push-pull dynamic is usually prevalent in relationships with a BPD individual. It sounds like you might've been caught up in that during the prolonged break up and still are.

One thing that I've found personally difficult when dealing with my exBPDgf was that I could not trust what she said. So just because a pwBPD says they never want to see you again doesn't mean that's the last you'll hear from them, very often it's not.

Depending on how important it is to you, if you don't want to see her, could you arrange to pay for her cab? That way you would still be able to help her but avoid seeing her if you don't want to. She may see that as you not living up to your words, but how important is that is to you?

If you still plan to drive her, I would avoid sleeping over because of the memories it might bring back while your break up is so fresh. She may also use that as an opportunity to reconnect with you, is that something you'd like to happen? Repeated break up and make up cycles are often common when in a BPD relationship.

Hang in there, J. 

Thank you for the reply!

Since the "official" break up is still fresh, I have 2 major conflicting feelings. 1) I would jump at the chance to get back together with her, but only if we could agree to get some outside help/rationalize with each other. 2) After what I've been through, I do not want to chance it happening again and send me or her into emotional turmoil again (now or in the future).

However, since everything is fresh, number one def outweighs number two, this is probably due to all the positive memories I still have from our relationship. I feel like I am in some alternate reality, because I never imagined what it would be like to lose her. Actually, I imagined it once when things first hit the fan. I spent an hour trying to figure out what I'd do without her and realized that I had to get her back. However, during that process I would always win her over, but then something would happen that would send us spiraling our of control again.

I'll continue debating this in my head. I got a text saying she will need me there for the entire procedure and be able to take her back (rules given by the doctor). So it will be just like old times, me taking care of her. Oh how weird my life has become.

[Waifed]

JJ

You have this person that you dearly love. If she is a pwBPD and hasn't been in therapy it is very unlikely that you can reverse the course of the relationship. Love does no conquer all when it comes to BPD. You can take her to the Dr. or do anything that is considered thoughtful and done with unconditional love but she will likely succumb to her fears.

The decision is yours to make. What can one more day hurt?  It's hard to say. If I had a day with my ex after knowing that she is probably BPD I might take it to give myself closure. You will unlikely get this from her. She will likely become very angry if you mention BPD. If you do decide to take her, when you drop her off give her a big hug, tell her you will always love her and you hope she has a beautiful life. It may be your only opportunity to do so. Things often turn ugly fast after the breakup.

I hope you don't take this as being harsh. I wish you the best and hope she is not BPD and you can magically work things out.  Good luck to you and welcome to the board. There are so many great people on here that support each other and understand each other. Lean hard on these friends as you go through the healing process.

Again, welcome aboard friend and I hope the decision you make works out for you.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi J, I'd like to let you know that you're not alone in what's happened and how you feel! I know you said it's "weird" how your life has become, and I totally identify with that. That's life; if you'd asked me twenty years ago who I'd be today, I wouldn't have been even close to describing it! You know what they say: Life is what happens while you're making plans... .

While we can't diagnose your gf/exgf(?) over the internet, you can read more about BPD by following this excellent link: The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Especially enlightening is the sidebar written by a person who has BPD, as it gives a lot of insight into how a pwBPD feels and interacts with the world and people around them. A pwBPD's thought processes and feelings don't follow the typical logic of most people, and it causes them to engage in dysfunctional behaviors that often make close interpersonal relationships tumultuous.

Since you actually are in contact, I'd also recommend you read this thread started by the site director Skip: The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship. If you are dealing with somebody with BPD traits, these are important guidelines that can help. I would recommend visiting the Staying board: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and going through the LESSONS thread at the top if you are going to stay in contact and hope to work things out. There are many communication tools you can learn about that improve communication with ALL people; these are not just tools that only work for BPD.

I'm not going to lie to you, staying in a relationship with a BPD partner will be tough work. But there are people here who have worked things out, and you'll find support for that over on the Staying board. Most of us on the Leaving board are in failed or failing relationships, and the dynamic is very different here than on Staying (though all boards are filled with supportive and understanding members). Even if she is not BPD but just has BPD traits, the information and support you can receive over there can make things easier. It's much better to have a little understanding and some tools rather than working blind.

Best wishes to you, J.