Learning to live with a new normal

[OKsunflower]

No offense to anyone, but I'm not very happy to have to be introducing myself here.  I have a 14 year old daughter.  We have had the most excruciating year of our life and it's just took another wild turn.  She has just been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after her latest suicide attempt last week.  

Let me begin at the beginning... .in March, she cut her arm, in what she said was a suicide attempt.  She left a note on her bed assuming she would bleed through the night and die.  This was the absolute first time she ever showed any signs of mental illness.  When that did not work she was admitted for 10 days to an acute care inpatient unit and discharged to home.  About 10 days later, she managed to find an old box cutter in her grandparents garage and cut her arm up and down the forearm.  She was readmitted for another 10 days in an acute care unit.  After discharge from that event, she was home for about a month and then actually let her dad and I know that she was feeling suicidal and needed help and we had her readmitted and she then went to a residential treatment facility for about 2 months.  She was discharged in July and since that time she has not shown any signs of crisis.  She's gotten good grades, been involved with school activities and appeared to be doing fine.

Wednesday morning, she got up for school, along with her two 16 year old sisters and we had a normal morning conversation.  I left for work and her sister said that she was running late so they left without her to walk to school and she told them that she would see them in class.  She never made it.  She proceeded to take about 18 200 mg Seroquel tablets and 80 25mg Benadryl tablets and her dad found her a couple of hours later, convulsing and barely breathing. She was in the PICU at our Children's Hospital for 3 days and then readmitted to the Psychiatric Adolescent Acute Unit.  That was late Friday night.

Monday we had our first therapy session with her therapist and it went well.  He seemed to see through the manipulation. She just didn't want to claim her part in the trauma that was caused to everyone who loves and cares for her.  While she slept through it all, I had to wonder if my baby was going to survive or have any damage.

Her therapist and psych agreed that it is a BPD diagnosis and that she really needs long term residential treatment, but no place around here has a bed available.  They wanted to discharge her home today, which I would not be comfortable with at all.  I so afraid that I will come home and find her dead.  After explaining my concerns they were able to muster up an additional day or so with the acute level, in hopes that a residential bed becomes available anywhere.

I am so confused, lost, tired, and at a loss as to what to do to help her.  Nothing is right in her eyes... .I'm either giving her too much attention, or I'm "not noticing her"

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

I'm so sorry for what brings you here.  I can imagine all of us would rather be on the "my child is a happy, well-adjusted, beautiful rocket-scientist" board".  I know it's really hard adjusting to the fact that your dd has a serious mental illness.  It's heartbreaking to see your dd in the hospital.  It's absolutely terrifying to know she did this to herself and not have any warnings, sirens and lights going off that something like this was going to happen.  Been there... still there actually.  It's hard and it's exhausting!

What kind of support do you have?  How are you today?   How are your dh and other dds coping with all of this?  I hope you two are able to support each other though all of this.   

Just know you're not alone in your heartbreak.  We have many parents on this board who understand what you are going through.  There is hope on this board.  There is support for you!

Keep coming back and keep on posting.  It really helps!

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, OKsunflower, and I'd like to join crazedncrazymom in welcoming you to this site. I, also, know where you are coming from, and understand the frustration and exhausting pain you are feeling. Like crazedncrazymom said, there is hope on this Board... .Here are some links to success stories:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120563.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196378.0 &

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=201837.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198609.0 &

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200919.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=202562.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210800.0;all

And, here's the link to more RTC stories/Threads in one place:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0

There's a lot of reading there, and you won't be able to finish it in one sitting, but I did want you to know that things can get better, and there is light at the end of the tunnel... .There also is a wealth of information and Tools, techniques & Lessons you can learn to help you through this troubled time with your daughter to the right-hand margin of this page. Please take some time to check out what we have to offer to give you help... .Keep posting your story and your questions, so we can know how to guide you better, OKsunflower. I pray that a bed in a RTC can be found for your daughter soon... .

[jellibeans]

oksunflower

I just wanted to welcome you to the board. I will share with you that my daughter had 5 or 6 overdoses in the past year. I really lost count after a while... .it was such a wild ride but I will tell you she is doing much better now. She still has a ways to go but we keep going forward one baby step at a time. My dd was finally put into RTC for 2 months and that seem to break the cycle of self harm. I hope a bed opens up for your girl soon. I when our kids are so deregulated RTC is needed to stablize them.

I want to suggest you read Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr... .this book really helped me understand this disorder.

Do you know what is triggering her suicide attempts? school troubles?

Hang in there... .it does get better.

[BioAdoptMom3]

Our DD is 14 as well and like you, I am not at all happy that I need to be here.  A new normal is a great title for your thread, because that is indeed what we have to deal with when we have a child with this terrible diagnosis.  We are also dealing with cutting and a few suicide attempts, as well as eating disorders, depression, anxiety and unstable relationships.  Last year, when we had the most suicide attempts we learned that there was some bullying going on at school and online.  Is your DD in middle school or high school?  I ask because very often MS is filled with unstable, immature kids who are incredibly cruel to each other.  It is a very common cause of suicide attempts. Have you talked with her school guidance counselor or asked the counselor to talk with her?  This is much more common that we realize.  We finally had to pull our DD out of school for her last semester and have her do online school, giving up chorus and band which she loved.  Still, life was much better that way than it was when she was in school.  HS is going much better!  If this is determined to be an issue you will want to explore options available for your child.

Is your DD on any kind of medication?  If her depression is that severe you might want to speak with her psychiatrist about medication.  We still have our turmoil, believe me, major turmoil sometimes as you know all too well yourself, but Prozac and Abilify have made life much more bearable for our entire family!  I cannot emphasize enough the difference it has made for her, and us.

Is your child in DBT? Ours in in therapy but not DBT, though we are searching for someone in our community who practices it.  That is supposed to be extremely helpful. My husband and I are reading a book called "Loving Someone with BPD".  It is easy to read and extremely helpful as it goes step by step in helping family members develop skills in validation.  In the very short period of time we have been trying to remember to practice it with her, we have noticed that it DOES help! 

I know at times it seems hopeless.  We have been there many times and I am sure we will be again, but we have found that in order to stay sane ourselves (and sometimes I'm still not sure we are) we have to look for those TEENY TINY lights that once in awhile appear at the end of the tunnel, or along the sides of it as we drive through. 

 to you and prayers for you!  Please update us on the hospital situation when you can!

[OKsunflower]

So sorry I haven't updated sooner.  My DD was moved over to the residential treatment center after being in the acute unit for a week and that move seems to have triggered an intense mood change toward me.  For some reason, she thinks that "two *professional" therapists" thought she was ok to come home and I must have some great decision making power to keep her there.   

She has refused to attend one family therapy session,  walked out of one after 5 min, and argues with me anytime we talk.  She is convinced that she's never coming home to live with us, if I tell her I love her she just says ,"sure". 

Last night is the first time she has called and asked  for me and she was super sweet to her step dad (who raised her) but when I got on the phone she got cold and only wanted to ask for me to get an address for a boy she was friends with so she can write to him and to ask if I would add "dad" to her contact list meaning her bio dad who she has not seen since she was 4 months old. Neither of those things will happen... .the boy is someone she met while she was in there last time and we told her she couldn't keep contact with him... .and the bio dad situation is part of what she says is the basis for her problem. 

When I said I had to think about it she said " I don't know why your not going to have guardianship of me anyway"... .

She has me so confused, hurt, frustrated... .before her overdose we all felt she was doing great... .her suicide note said "thank you 4 loving me and caring 4 me more than anyone else ever would.  You're the best family a girl could ever ask for"  and now she is so full of rage, thinks we are all against her, doesn't want to live with us, and especially directs her anger at me.

Its like my daughter is gone... .I don't know who this girl is... and I miss my daughter terribly.  We moved into a new home last week, had thanksgiving, I work full time and have two other teenage daughters... .I'm worn out, I'm sick, I want to wake up from this nightmare.

[jellibeans]

Oksunflower

It is important that you take care of yourself. Please find time to rest and recoup that is very important. I am so sorry to read about your daughter's struggles but RTC is the best place for her right now. Of course she is angry with you but don't take it personally. Does your daughter have a dx of BPD? Are there any other dx?

I suggest you read overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr... .it is truly the best book out there and it has helped me a great deal. Have you thought about seeing a therapist yourself? This might help you get through this tough time.

Give your daughter some time to adjust to the new place and hopefully she will choose to work on her problems. In the meantime try to educate yourself as much as possible. Only when you know what you are dealing with will you be able to repsond and help your daughter get through this trama she is going through. please keep us posted.