Remind me that this is normal (contact after so long, and still feel horrible)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All,

Jeez, there are so many of us on here with the same story, that I feel badly about adding yet another post!  

Okay, can someone just remind me that this is normal, okay, to be expected, not insane. It's been over two years since I cut the ex off, and then I bumped into her last weekend and kept the contact to no more than 30 seconds--30 SECONDS, count em!--and I STILL feel horrible, sad, the same way I did for soo long before finally 'getting over it.'

How is possible to have such a strong and visceral reaction after all this time and healing?  I know the answer, I think: because it was so deep and traumatizing... .

It's surreal, though, to have had such a short encounter and to feel so awful, still. It's been what, three days, and getting better, but still... .

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi All,

Jeez, there are so many of us on here with the same story, that I feel badly about adding yet another post!  

Okay, can someone just remind me that this is normal, okay, to be expected, not insane. It's been over two years since I cut the ex off, and then I bumped into her last weekend and kept the contact to no more than 30 seconds--30 SECONDS, count em!--and I STILL feel horrible, sad, the same way I did for soo long before finally 'getting over it.'

How is possible to have such a strong and visceral reaction after all this time and healing?  I know the answer, I think: because it was so deep and traumatizing... .

It's surreal, though, to have had such a short encounter and to feel so awful, still. It's been what, three days, and getting better, but still... .

[DownandOut]

Like you said, it's because the pain was so deep and traumatizing. For some reason, they have touched our lives in such a strong way that we can never truly forget the emotions they make us feel. That's why my goal is to be in such a state of acceptance of what occurred here and become indifferent.

[Jbt857]

Yes, it's normal.

Even getting an email from him, 9 months after we split, sends me into a panic. Heart racing, fight/flight senses on full alert. From an email.



It's crazy. We live in the same town, and whenever I am out with my friends, I'm hyper-vigilant, scanning the streets or the room for him. The prospect of running into him terrifies me, because I don't know how I will react, especially if he's with my replacement.

It will be a real sense of progress when I no longer care enough to do that.

And don't ever feel bad about posting - that's what this board is for!

[CdnSunrise]

It's been a year and a half for me, and I have the same reaction to seeing my exBPDh, which is why I avoid seeing him at all costs. My therapist is sure that I'm still scared of him (amygdala reaction), but I'm thinking it has more to do with deep pain. It could also have to do with not being exposed to the "nice" side, which could trigger other feelings ... .

It is sad, but strangely comforting that I'm not the only one feeling some of this wacky stuff.

[Perfidy]

I concur... .Normal. Thought I was just being a drama queen. The nameless one sent me some texts and photos of herself a little over a month ago. Been back on the boards every day almost since. Traumatized me once again I did not acknowledge or respond. Seems to be the more she hurts me the more she hurts me. Thought it was just me. I don't care why it happens. I just don't want it to happen anymore. I thought I was stronger than that.

[boatman]

I can relate. My exBPDgf belong to the same gym and I refuse to go to a more expensive one but I'm so scared I'll see her there with him. I always check the large parking lot for her car and keep my eye on the door during my entire workout in case she shows up. More exhausting than the exercise.

[Perfidy]

Again the similarities are astounding. I experience the hyper vigilance also. Seriously? I have had break ups before but really? Why was this r/s so freaking hard on me? Why do we all have similar whacked out feelings and thoughts and behaviors? I'm a hard working respected guy... .I'm not crazy. Even 1600 miles away I don't feel safe. I don't want her to know I'm here... .She probably could care less! She seems to think I need to hear from her... .I could care less! So friggin weird. NOTHING makes any sense.

[frustrated b/f]

To me, the hurt comes from knowing/remembering what seemingly could've been!

Even though I realize now it was a fantasy, being such a logical person, it still pains me to know that we had all the parts necessary to build our house, however my co-builder would purposely sabotage the project.

[DownandOut]

To me, the hurt comes from knowing/remembering what seemingly could've been!

Even though I realize now it was a fantasy, being such a logical person, it still pains me to know that we had all the parts necessary to build our house, however my co-builder would purposely sabotage the project.

I'm with you on that. My life was going really well when my uBPDexgf came back for Round 2 and told me that I was always the one for her and that I was a king and she would be my queen and we could build our castle together. Here I am. The queen decided that she would run off with the court jester and leave the king trying to rebuild himself while the plans for the castle are put on hold.

[Ironmanrises]

To me, the hurt comes from knowing/remembering what seemingly could've been!

Even though I realize now it was a fantasy, being such a logical person, it still pains me to know that we had all the parts necessary to build our house, however my co-builder would purposely sabotage the project.

I'm with you on that. My life was going really well when my uBPDexgf came back for Round 2 and told me that I was always the one for her and that I was a king and she would be my queen and we could build our castle together. Here I am. The queen decided that she would run off with the court jester and leave the king trying to rebuild himself while the plans for the castle are put on hold.

I can so relate. I was well into moving on when my exUBPDgf came back for round 2 and told me "I want MY man back." She left 5 months later saying "There is nothing about you that I really like." on day of discard, words she literally repeated from round 1 discard as the reason. I hate this ___ing disorder.

[starshine]

Yes, it's normal.

Even getting an email from him, 9 months after we split, sends me into a panic. Heart racing, fight/flight senses on full alert. From an email.



It's crazy. We live in the same town, and whenever I am out with my friends, I'm hyper-vigilant, scanning the streets or the room for him. The prospect of running into him terrifies me, because I don't know how I will react, especially if he's with my replacement.



It will be a real sense of progress when I no longer care enough to do that.

And don't ever feel bad about posting - that's what this board is for!

I do the same thing.  If I even hang out with friends that live in my old neighborhood, which he "got" after the breakup (as he got the house), I find myself ruminating and weepy.  I am always trying to avoid my ex, my replacement, and any of their friends.  It makes for a small and lonely existence for me in this community.  It is PTSD.  I look forward to leaving and starting over in a new place where I won't bump into any of them. 

I'm so grateful for these boards and the opportunity to work through this stuff with a bunch of people who are going through it also.  It's amazing the damage that this relationship has done to my heart and soul.  But looking at it from this perspective, I can see how many of my close relationships probably set me up for this one.  I know the woman my ex is with right now is a real nice lady, from what I've heard (the replacement was dumped a while ago).  I've also heard she has had really bad luck with men in her past- this one may be her worst luck yet.  I've had no interest in calling her and warning her.  Not my job, and she probably would defend him anyways- he is such a waif, and always the victim. 

[Slowlybutsurely]

Thanks so much for all of your feedback and comments, guys.  

Even though I've read on this board for years and "know" everything there is to know, when something happens to "me," I need reminding/confirmation all over again. It's funny that way, isn't it? I guess that is why a board like this, with the opportunity to share and get personalized feedback, and to give it, is such a lifeline for so many of us.

Well, the good news is that the sad/bad/heavy feelings I had since Sunday, on bumping into the ex, are 95% gone as of this morning. It was bad Sunday-Wednesday night, though. And then it lifted... . Such a wonderful thing. That bad and sad feeling is one I carried with me almost 2 years, and I did everything possible to get through it--meditate, pray, take supplements for depression, therapy, read about BPD, lived on this board, got my life (work, parenting, social life, finances... .everything) in order as much as possible. All these things were crucial, as was TIME. Lots of it. I can tell you right now that I will never suffer so deeply and so much in a relationship ever again. The relationship with the BPD opened up an abyss of deep and sad and lonely feelings that I've had my whole life, but which was never displayed so conveniently for me to see so clearly. I'm glad I had the chance to work through things and sort myself out, for the first time in my life. But... .I will never be completely "over" the damage done by the BPD ex. It was that bad. I think it was for most of us here. I've decided not to be hard on myself for not being "over" it fully, even after all this time. As far as I can tell, it will stir up deep and sad things whenever I see her, for as long as it takes, if not forever.  Maybe not forever, but only time will tell. While feeling awful the last few days, I also knew I'd feel better quickly and I was so so so grateful that I had healed from the relationship, for the most part, because I remembered how awful it felt to feel that way all the time, 24/7, without let up for over 2 years. Honestly, it was that bad.

Anyway, I feel back to normal today!  

I'm going to be extra careful not to bump into the ex again, that is for sure!

Thanks again everyone.  

[findingmyselfagain]

Slowly,

It sounds like you handled the actual contact really well. I honestly think I might run for the hills if I ever saw mine again. I'd probably come back after a few days. Just kidding! I don't think I'm in much danger because she's over 50 miles away and has a daughter to take care of. But she has some idea of events and things I might attend. I think I could "handle" saying something to her, but why risk it? What purpose would it actually serve? We obviously are speaking two different languages, as if we're in two different dimensions. I think running away would be perfectly justified. The impact on my feelings seems to have improved over time. I'm still amazed at the whole situation. How fast I almost married and had a child with someone with a chaotic relationship history... .What a wake-up call!

[charred]

It is normal... to have that reaction from a BPD r/s breakup. Not normal for most breakups. You will get conflicting theories about why the BPD breakup is worse... .I think I know, as I experienced it in an unusual way. My pwBPD I met 30 yrs ago, we dated 18 months, about 8 great and 10 lousy, and then she dumped me rather abruptly. Was devastated, didn't know she was BPD then.

About 5 yrs ago she contacted me on FB, I had no real reaction, she said she had to talk to me... got on the phone and hearing her voice brought 100% of the feelings/pain/etc back... was emotional overload. We got back together, I got a divorce and for about 6 months it was great. We were together about 3 1/2 yrs and maybe a few months were normal, but most of it was super hell on earth. Horrible, we recycled 7-8 times and I ended it and was devastated again... but with better understanding of the situation.

In my case... my mother is not good with small kids, her own mother died in childbirth to her youngest sister... so at 5 yrs old she was dropped off at her grandparents and largely had to help raise an infant and a 3 yr old. So I am not securely attached to my mom. Along comes my pwBPD, she is a sexy bombshell and blows smoke and mirrors and I ate it up like it was the unconditional love I never had but needed as a small kid. Before long... I had her on a pedestal, was hooked. Then she went from Dr. Jeckly to Mr. Hyde, and rather than snap out of her spell... I thought it was me, took her abuse, took what she said to heart and tried to make her happy. Deep down I reacted like she was the mother I never had... but at the surface I was getting pushed/pulled in a roller coaster of emotions I couldn't understand or control or get my head around.

When I finally ended it, I still felt devastated/depressed... .just like a parent had died.

I have dated and broke up with a lot of people... dated about 25 gals total... and many dumped me, a few I met later and went out again, but only one had my head and emotions all screwed up... .and she told me about her BPD diagnosis... and I truly believe the deep hurting and pain are from us responding from our neediness... to their idealizing/apparent unconditional love ... .and accepting them as primary love objects (parents) ... .its creepy, but so was the r/s. No other r/s have I let anyone abuse me, berate me, lie to me, cheat on me, demonize me and play mind games with me.

The reason I think it is a primary attachment problem... is that 100% of the feelings were back instantly on hearing her voice. People I dated... I have heard from years later and the connection waned a lot, even heard a few had died, and I felt bad about it, but it wasn't long lasting. However... if you had a parent taken from you and reunited after 25 yrs... .you would react... and when a parent dies or abruptly is out of your life... it is devastating, and many people go in to a multi-year depression from it... .exactly what I felt both times with my pwBPD. It was the toxic r/s from hell and devastated me twice... but it wasn't a normal r/s.  The feelings of being devastated/depressed are normal when losing someone you are in a primary relationship with ... .but that is normally parents/close family... .not a gf/bf.

The creepy undertones at time (like sex seeming odd after a while)... I think are part of it as well.

Advice on getting over depression/loss of a parent seems more on target than the flippant; you just need to go clubbing, meet someone and get laid... .advice that 99% of people give you. They don't understand... .because the clubbing approach is almost impossible when you are devastated/depressed, and a normal breakup with a normal person leaves you set to have revenge sex or make a new conquest... .this BPD thing is much worse... .like flu/pnuemonia   vs the common cold.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I was on my ex's side of town this week and needed to go into the Walmart closest to her house where we would go sometimes.  I think that's the first time I've been inside that store in over year.  I had a very strong sensation come over me, mostly fear, of running into her.  I do not want to run into her.  I even pray sometimes that I don't.  Although I have come a long way from where I was a year and a half ago, the thought of actually seeing her disturbs me.  So, yes, I can relate.  I also relate a lot to what Charred shared.  The last time I actually saw her I literally had a physical sensation where I started shaking and felt like cold chills were running through my body.  I suppose that heroin addicts have a similar feeling if they've been clean a while and are confronted with a needle and some drugs.  It was that intense.  I think you handled it great, Slowlybutsurely!  

[toomanytears]

To me, the hurt comes from knowing/remembering what seemingly could've been!

Even though I realize now it was a fantasy, being such a logical person, it still pains me to know that we had all the parts necessary to build our house, however my co-builder would purposely sabotage the project.

I saw my BPDh at the weekend for the first time in 8 weeks.  He came home because he thought 'it was about time we saw each other' and it would save us money to talk some things through without having to involve our solicitors. He also wanted to collect our marriage certificate to start the divorce process. It took me 36 hours to get over the pain of seeing him again. Next time, if we have to meet, I'll make sure it's on neutral territory. And yes I did allow him to make love to me.  I guess I wanted to see how I felt. Now I can't understand what on earth possessed me.

[FindPeace]

It's totally normal. When an email from my ex makes it past my block filter and I see the subject / first sentence before I can delete it, that is all  it takes. I panic, my heart races, I feel anger, I feel humiliated, I feel all the awful things I felt before, and it's been almost a year and a half! I still scan for her when I walk around the city or am in a place where there is the remotest chance she will show up, and I won't take my eyes off a lookalike until I am 100% positive it isn't her. Serious hypervigalence and stress.

You aren't alone.

[Slowlybutsurely]

I can relate so much to all of what you guys have said.

Charred, I agree that it feels so deep and primal and whatever that I am sure it goes back to something very "ancient" (as my therapist said once) in my childhood. After we broke up, it felt even more deep than losing a parent. I had the strange feeling that I had somehow lost God or the Goddess or something like that, which I did relate to something parental, but it felt even deeper. You mentioned that you were triggered instantly by her voice. For me, it's seeing her. When I bumped into her in the store over the weekend, from the moment I made eye contact, it was if time slowed down and I was just in this altered state. So weird. Seriously, time slowed, and everything was in slow motion, and i couldn't utter clear words and i remember every moment of the 30 seconds that it was. That is bizarre stuff. It's never happened to me before, and I too have had plenty of relationships, have been married and divorced, but nothing came close to this.

I wish us all deep healing and recovery and a new start in a happy and healthy and non-insane or toxic relationship someday.

Thanks all.  

[charred]

I can relate so much to all of what you guys have said.

Charred, I agree that it feels so deep and primal and whatever that I am sure it goes back to something very "ancient" (as my therapist said once) in my childhood. After we broke up, it felt even more deep than losing a parent. I had the strange feeling that I had somehow lost God or the Goddess or something like that, which I did relate to something parental, but it felt even deeper. You mentioned that you were triggered instantly by her voice. For me, it's seeing her. When I bumped into her in the store over the weekend, from the moment I made eye contact, it was if time slowed down and I was just in this altered state. So weird. Seriously, time slowed, and everything was in slow motion, and i couldn't utter clear words and i remember every moment of the 30 seconds that it was. That is bizarre stuff. It's never happened to me before, and I too have had plenty of relationships, have been married and divorced, but nothing came close to this.

I wish us all deep healing and recovery and a new start in a happy and healthy and non-insane or toxic relationship someday.

Thanks all.  

I will clarify... .after more than 25 YEARS... .her voice had me back 100% where I had been... all the emotions/feelings... .it was overwhelming... .and not normal at all.

Its why I think the connection seems like one with a parent to us. Losing her the first time was worst thing I have been through in my life. Losing my grandparents paled in comparison.

The second go rounds... I tried very hard to make work... had been married for 22 yrs and thought I had what it takes for the long haul. (I do, she didn't.) It was hard ending it, but 7-8 recycles, the fighting and stress was intense... .and the loss was deep, but not as bad as the first time... after 16 months away from her or so I am finally feeling like I am getting out of the depressed state I was in from losing her... .and realizing all those dreams/excuses are gone. Its been a brutal awakening.

[Waifed]

Are you guys kidding me?  Will somebody please say they haven't had this experience. This is depressing and scares the ___ out of me. It's the gift that keeps giving. 

[Clearmind]

Well, the good news is that the sad/bad/heavy feelings I had since Sunday, on bumping into the ex, are 95% gone as of this morning.

We cannot expect ourselves to process contact in a flash - the very fact that you could process it in a shorter space of time than you could since you separated is a good thing! You are on the right path.

[lightswitch]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

@waifed and slowly, if I didn't screw up and copy the wrong link, I believe this is the workshop I recently read about ruminations. It gave a few concrete strategies for dealing with our mental 'files' and the emotions that are strongly attached to some of them (our exes!)

  So check it out, if you haven't already! I've given my ex a hilarious new nick name, and a blink of an eye when I think of him. I quickly redirect my thoughts before all the physical anxiety crap sets in. I'll practice more with my T. We'll see. I might just look like a loony with an eye twitch, but jeez, I'll try ANYTHING to feel some relief! Within reason. And, of course, hope I don't run into him. Just got my final divorce paperwork in the mail today.

[lightswitch]

... .and, I would add that using strategies are like insurance against a potential run in. So that I hopefully don't have a panic attack. Lots of work to be done!

[damage control]

Dear Yoda on a bicycle ... this thread has scared the cream cheese outta me ... I am not coping with these feelings and it has only been 3.5 weeks ... I cannot bear the thought that that I will still be feeling this way in months or even years ... .

I am so sorry that you are all still subject to these reactions ... my heart goes out to each and every one of you ... .

But, somebody, please, shoot me now.

[Bach Cantatas]

Are you guys kidding me?  Will somebody please say they haven't had this experience. This is depressing and scares the ___ out of me. It's the gift that keeps giving. 

Yes, I will... .

Obviously all BPD relationships are different as are the minutiae of the breakup, but I will simply relate my recent experience in the hope it gives help to some of us.

Brief background: Four year Long Distance Relationship (often volatile and passionate) with High Functioning undiagnosed BPD female with some strong Narcissistic traits. I fell very heavily for her and all but worshipped the ground she walked on. On reflection, I can see a long Devaluation phase followed by a sudden and brutal Discard, with a replacement male almost certainly in the wings.

The final discard was in April this year and she and I entered into NC. I found this site and spent many many hours devouring the lessons and reading of the accounts of other posters. The information here showed me that I had been in a relationship with a person with BPD and that I too had issues of co dependency to work on. I found many of the accounts uncannily similar to my own and more than anything else, this confirmed what I now believe regarding my own relationship. Having passed through the initial despair and phase of depression I settled into a period of educating myself about the disorder and changing my way of thinking. Obviously I missed her greatly but strict discipline regarding NC helped me build up my strength and lessened my dependency. However, several weeks ago I received an email from her out of the blue indicating that her life had spiralled out of control somewhat and although she "did not seek sympathy or for me to contact her"   "I might like to be aware". I found that my feelings were ambivalent at best. I was sorry to hear of her misfortune but not particularly bothered. I answered with polite condolences when I felt bothered enough to do so (after about two weeks I think!) and silence ensued. I felt happy with my inner feelings towards the situation. A few days ago I came across her at a location where she would be likely to find me and that she had no real reason to be! As a result of my education from this site, I suspected that she sought soothing from meeting me or was assessing the possibility of a Recycle. I was anxious to assess my own capabilities in dealing with her and I proceeded to engage in polite conversation suitable for a non threatening impersonal location. I then saw before me nervous insecure woman-as beautiful as ever- but almost ghost like. I was not attracted to her and she almost seemed different despite personal information that was exchanged. She had no power over me at all and I think she recognised it! We parted politely and I left realising that my power stemmed from educating myself on the disorder.

In conclusion I will just say "We do not have anything the fear, but fear itself" The key to recovery after being in such a horrible relationship, lies in the information provided by sites such as these. Best Wishes to all.

[damage control]

@BC

Thank you for sharing that ... it gives me hope.

My (male) ex is not particularly attractive or special, but he comes across extremely well in writing - we were LD as well ... without the daily emails and skype sessions, I am struggling to even recall what made me so engulfed and enamoured with him in the first place (although, I am a long way from being over him).

I hope to be where you are sometime soon ... I need this man out of my head.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Dear Yoda on a bicycle ... this thread has scared the cream cheese outta me ... I am not coping with these feelings and it has only been 3.5 weeks ... I cannot bear the thought that that I will still be feeling this way in months or even years ... .

It might help to state that healing from these wounds is not a linear process, at least it hasn't been for me.  I've had days when I felt almost free from the pain from the relationship with my ex, and then days will arrive when I feel that old familiar pull and some fear.  However, that 'pull' is nothing like it used to be.  The key is to keep moving.  The pain of missing her is far better than is was in the beginning.

[ucmeicu2]

Dear Yoda on a bicycle ... this thread has scared the cream cheese outta me ... I am not coping with these feelings and it has only been 3.5 weeks ... I cannot bear the thought that that I will still be feeling this way in months or even years ... .

It might help to state that healing from these wounds is not a linear process, at least it hasn't been for me.  I've had days when I felt almost free from the pain from the relationship with my ex, and then days will arrive when I feel that old familiar pull and some fear.  However, that 'pull' is nothing like it used to be.  The key is to keep moving.  The pain of missing her is far better than is was in the beginning.

i agree with phoenix.rising... .this process, it's like waves on the ocean... .  the emotions, yes, they come, but YES they also go!  the space between waves tends to get larger... . 

but i want to say, i think this is really important, that it's not just "time".  time does not really heal, IMO.  time might do the trick in your average, run of the mill r/s but NOT in a BPD r/s.  this is a whole different ballgame, concerning some very deep seated issues not just for the pwBPD but the Non, as well.

it's a whole process.  time helps.  for me, it was lots of things like seeing a therapist, talking to friends, learning as much as i could/can about BPD... .reading BPD books, joining this forum (cannot overstate how great this site is, the resources, the people!), praying, meditating, exercising, distracting, taking CBT course (there's a link somewhere here at this site, it's free!)... .and i found forgiving my xBPDgf was invaluable, too - just anything and everything i could get my hands on - making small changes that accumulate to bigger changes.

icu2

[laelle]

It is perfectly normal, and most of us here can assure you on that fact...

We were abused, tortured and brainwashed.  The freedom of our own thoughts and rights to exist were held in our exe's hands.  The constant twisting of the knife always keeping our lives in uncertainty.  Of course you will react to seeing that person again... . It is more or less PTSD.

There is also another side to it.  If your situation is anything like mine, you needed "BPD lovin" for whatever reason.  Seeing that person again brings up all of those Core issues that were just being laid to rest.  

Seeing our ex's again (in passing) can be a part of healthy healing.

Yes, I loved him alot, but I didnt love me near enough.  I am so glad that I am not the same person today that I was then.  Core issues get another chance to heal and you have affirmation that you are able to trust yourself and your feelings.

 Laelle

[lightswitch]

DC,

  Facts and science always help me put things in proper perspective.  For me, the thought and very strong possibility of contracting an std did a lot to help me draw lines in the sand. 

  My mantras lately sound like this... .'I am taking back my dignity, I'm taking back my self respect! I take back my serenity, my physical and emotional health!' And I go on from there.

  I filtered out any and all of the words he uttered, because the majority was bs, therefore, no reason for me to listen anymore. Bpd=words don't match actions.

  It takes time, bask in the comfort, wisdom and experience of everyone on these boards when you feel yourself responding in a negative way.