Sandwiched between UBPDs - Daughter so much like my Mother

[Bracken]

Hi - I am here feeling very bleak - sorry -

My UBPD daughter, 26, started showing a lot of mother's UBPD traits when in mid-teens.  Mood swings,rage, hysterics, depression, HOSTILITY that came out of nowhere. Mostly towards me. Even though I was a pathetically devoted "enabling" Mom - (didn't know what else to do). D has gotten somewhat better - much counselling and therapy over the years - now not so hateful - sometimes months without  rage - but depression, "victim" mentality and huge dependency on parents. NEGATIVITY. Suicidal behavior often. Body Image Disorder. With BFs:  insecurity, jealousy and possessiveness. Yet with huge support of all kinds from me and H, she has continued to Law school. Despite constant dramas and crashes ---.

I have been NC with UBPD mother most of my life; don't even know if she is alive. She too, overwhelmingly negative. Critical. Angry. Truly - she could be evil. Sometimes I wonder how I  survived. My B and F didn't - both suicides.

My D got into a terrible rage with me yesterday - and I had to drive her to class with her screaming in the car - and I just feel that I can't DEAL with that any more. Usually I'm strong. Fairly positive. But I have been crying today. Having flashbacks to my early life. Anyone else a BPD Sandwich generation? Thanks - best wishes to all -

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bananas]

   Hello Bracken,

I would like to welcome you here!  

And I would like to give you a hug.     I cannot imagine what you have been through with losing your father and brother.  You are an incredibly strong person!

I am so sorry for what you have been through with your Mom and now your daughter.  But that she is in law school goes to show that you and your husband are wonderful parents.

I am glad you found us, from my own experience, reading and posting here really does help! There are many here who have more than one family member with BPD.  

It is OK to cry, it is good to let those emotions flow.  You mentioned your daughter is in counseling and therapy, how about you?  

 Bananas

[Bracken]

Thank you Bananas

Yes- I have had some counselling, a few years back. I think helped me deal with a lot of pain at that time. Mostly due to unresolved memories  and trauma from childhood.

But the counsellor  was just not very interested or empathic about my D. I think there are a lot of T's who still don't really accept BPD as a concept. And also, D has actually never had a formal diagnosis of BPD - so technically I may be "wrong" to even be here -.   D has had lots of diagnoses of depression and anxiety, however.  The counsellor wanted me to be VERY hardline with D - and that just doesn't work. And I don't think it is "right" to be that way. I believe that young people like my D often need unconditional support from parents - even when it makes the parents seem like idiots to others - who don't understand.

[Bananas]

I have read on these Boards that getting a BPD diagnosis is difficult, that must be frustrating as a parent!  Many people here don't have a diagnosis, myself included, but what is important is that you are recognizing BPD traits.  My ex was also only diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but when I found this site I realized there was much more going on. The good news is here you will find people that DO understand! 

I am going to recommend you explore two Boards here at bpdfamily.com since you are "sandwiched."

First, for improving the relationship with your daughter, you'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do?

Also, I invite you to read and post on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board, our senior members there can help support you.   

Then, for helping you sort out things regarding your Mom, our senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board can provide you with  validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.


 Bananas

[Bracken]

Thank you

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Bracken!

I also want to welcome you to this website. I am so sorry for your losses. I can't even imagine what those must have felt like in addition to the trauma from growing up with a BPD mother... . 

This is a safe place for you to share. After years and years of caring for your daughter, you must be exhausted... .

To start, the best thing you can do is to find a safe and peaceful place here and there for yourself to take some time and relax and do something that makes you feel rested and happy. Staying healthy and taking care of our own needs is necessary for us to be able to go on and help our children.

For the long term - with time, you will find out what works. There is a balance between staying connected with our children, being compassionate and also making sure that we keep ourselves safe and sane. There are a lot of resources on this website, there is a lot we can do to make our life more peaceful and also to be more effective with our children.

Please be gentle with yourself through this process. I want to encourage you - your gut feeling that a hard line approach would not be effective with your daughter was correct - you are a perceptive, and loving mom. Our children with BPD do need a different approach. At the same time, there is a way to protect yourself from those destructive and abusive behaviors that your daughter is displaying.

It takes time to learn. We are here to support you on this journey.

How are you doing today? Have things settled down a bit, are you feeling better?

[Bracken]

Hi Pess

Thank you so much for your welcoming and caring post to me.

Yes - things are much better at the moment. As my H and I have often noticed - when our daughter has a really, really terrible case of rage or hysterics - it's often a CATHARSIS for her. She has got the venom out - for a while - and she is often really calm, steady, "normal" afterwards. This calm may last for days, weeks - sometimes months.

But: by expelling that venom from HER system, she kind of injects into OURS. So my H and I are  left feeling bruised, mangled, exhausted - while she feels fine. And although H and I are all too accustomed to this pattern - we are finding that as we get older, it is taking more of a toll on us. We can't bounce back as easily. And we are sure it affects our physical health too. Things like blood pressure and heart palpitations. When I posted two days ago, I felt like I was recovering from a physical beating. Headache, aching - crying even.

Plus - I had flashbacks to things that I went through in early life - with my mother - that I hadn't thought about in decades. And I felt that there was the same dynamic. It was about being forced to take responisbility for someone else's mess - having been set up - and being in an impossible "no win" situation where you are getting from all directions. I had a lot of that in early life - and now I have it with my daughter.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi again Bracken,

you describe the situation well, and you are right. It does take a toll.

I am so sorry that it comes at you from both directions - the past and the present.

  It's a valuable insight though - we do tend to repeat patterns we have learned in our childhood. And when we realize what's happening, we can then start working on changing them.