Will switching job and limiting contact help?

[joshbjoshb]

Hello everyone, I am new here.

I am currently in a job that some elements of it - community work - makes me work with my wife. Although she is not diagnosed, I believe she is BPD based on countless hours I spent reading and discussing with therapists. She is not willing to go to any, though.

My question is: do you think that switching a job into one that has less contact with her help? Currently due to my job I am more at home, and also need to work together with her. Of course that is very hard because she brings in all of her fears and rage attacks to our work.

So maybe part of the solution is to move to a different job - and city - where our joined work will be limited, and I will be less at home?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allibaba]

My question is: do you think that switching a job into one that has less contact with her help? Currently due to my job I am more at home, and also need to work together with her. Of course that is very hard because she brings in all of her fears and rage attacks to our work.

So maybe part of the solution is to move to a different job - and city - where our joined work will be limited, and I will be less at home?

Hi there joshbjoshb,

I can see how logically switching to another job seems to make sense.  When I was in the thick of my husbands rages, I used to plan our lives such that we didn't spend more than a day together at home with nothing to do (BPD tend to do better when there is some structure according to a therapist I saw).  The problem is that you are really only putting a bandaid on a major wound.  Treating the symptoms - not the disease.  Changing jobs could make things a lot worse (you just don't know).

Have you worked on any boundaries with your wife yet?  Addressing her bad behavior head on (with love)?  Have you read the lessons?  ---->  

Are you using the tools?

I think that it would probably be easier (long-term) if you didn't have so much contact with her (you need a break too)... . but I think that you are better off starting out without changing the superficial variables.  Even you changing jobs would probably put stress on your wife. 

I'm sorry that I don't have much background on you.  I think that you should do the work with boundaries first and then if you still feel like more distance is helpful... .make the move then.

How do you react when she rages?  How long have you guys been together?  How do you feel about your wife generally? 

[briefcase]

I don't think I could work with my wife.   

That said, before you start changing jobs or travelling out of town, it's probably worth applying some of our tools in the Staying Lessons - Validation, Boundaries and the communication tools. Have you tried any of those things?

[allibaba]

I don't think I could work with my wife.   

I would lose my mind if I worked with my husband - chuckle.

[an0ught]

Hi joshbjoshb,

desperate times call for desperate measures  .

Dealing with BPD is a long term issue and it is important that your support system is and remains stable. Your job is critical for you and your relationship, critical in the sense that protecting it is part of the self care you need to exercise. If you have a  job alternative lined that is better for you it is always worth considering but such a move needs careful consideration e.g. on the ability of your wife to continue working in the job.

It is tempting to look for a cure all - there is none. It is natural when faced with huge drama to search out big levers to stop it. It won't work. The BPD dynamic is caused by a multitude of drivers and dealing with BPD requires a constant focus on healthy, balanced steps which add up over time. At the moment you are new on the board. It may be worth first focusing on basic skills (avoiding invalidation, validating and boundaries - see LESSONS) and understanding the exact dynamic in your relationship.

To answer your question "Will switching job and limiting contact help?" - likely it will change the dynamic in your relationship for the better. For more on this topic see this workshop here: TOOLS: Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence. Still it is valid as alibaba pointed out: Distance is a poor band-aid cousin of true boundaries. But then some more distance introduced in a balanced manner could be one small healthy step too.

Can you imaging establishing a clearer division of responsibilities in your work with your wife?

Can you schedule private work time or private spare time activities every week where you are not with your wife?

Are there some projects she could handle on her own that gets her out of the house?

[allibaba]

Distance is a poor band-aid cousin of true boundaries.

What a witty way to say that!  Thanks for the laugh an0ught.

[Cloudy Days]

I have worked with my husband before too. It was not something I would do again but switching jobs did not stop the problems I had with my husband, I just had different problems to deal with and it was sometimes harder to deal with. This was before I knew anything about BPD and boundaries.

I suggest like others have, try out some of the tools on this site before making the decision to switch jobs. It may help you out but before you make a decision that can't be reversed try other things first to see if they help. It may even make the switch to the other job easier if you still decide to choose that.

[Cloudy Days]

I must say that I didn't switch to get away from him, but he made everything harder all together in both jobs because I didn't have any sense of boundaries.

[joshbjoshb]

Thank you guys. I didn't visit this site for a while, reading it now.