Can I believe him?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I haven't posted on here for awhile, had been interstate having a break from my relationship and went back to Melbourne for some work. While I was away got calls and texts from my ex still blaming his behaviour on my parents and myself. I still had some stuff at his house so as I didn't have much faith in him to come around saying things like I'm happier now presumably as I don't have you lot in my life, your parents are controlling and bullies, you are not unified in our relationship etc I thought I had better go and pick up the rest. He had my stuff ready for me so I thought that was it! Then I started getting texts saying he has been reading up on controlling men and realised how he is one, that he is too rigid, how he is inflexible and a relationship is about give and take and he has just been taking. He said he realises that his significant others opinions are just as important as his. He wants to apologise to my parents and get help but he wants me to come back. To me that is kinda conditional shouldn't he want to do those things anyway whether I come back or not? I have been telling him these things for a year why suddenly does he realise them now? Maybe cause I am gone he has had to take a good look at himself and he has been talking to his parents a lot more about the situation so maybe they have given him some insight. Is it worth the risk going back? Does saying these things mean he will act on them?

[loz1982]

I haven't posted on here for awhile, had been interstate having a break from my relationship and went back to Melbourne for some work. While I was away got calls and texts from my ex still blaming his behaviour on my parents and myself. I still had some stuff at his house so as I didn't have much faith in him to come around saying things like I'm happier now presumably as I don't have you lot in my life, your parents are controlling and bullies, you are not unified in our relationship etc I thought I had better go and pick up the rest. He had my stuff ready for me so I thought that was it! Then I started getting texts saying he has been reading up on controlling men and realised how he is one, that he is too rigid, how he is inflexible and a relationship is about give and take and he has just been taking. He said he realises that his significant others opinions are just as important as his. He wants to apologise to my parents and get help but he wants me to come back. To me that is kinda conditional shouldn't he want to do those things anyway whether I come back or not? I have been telling him these things for a year why suddenly does he realise them now? Maybe cause I am gone he has had to take a good look at himself and he has been talking to his parents a lot more about the situation so maybe they have given him some insight. Is it worth the risk going back? Does saying these things mean he will act on them?

[Aussie0zborn]

Hmmm. From my experience, the answer right now is no.

The first step to fixing a problem is acknowledging you have one and he's done that so at least you have one positive sign there but I would be cautious nonetheless.

If he suffers from BPD you need to read the actions and not the words.  Talk is cheap and you'll get a lot of it. Hopefully others will have a more constructive advice. Good luck.

[necchi]

loz1982 , Hi!.             First if you are on this board it must mean he has BPD ?

You seem to have come a long way? Why go back, what will change ?

Their words don't match their actions!  If he has BPD ,he ain't sharing a great discovery with you when saying he is a controlling man. He suffers from a serious mental illness called borderline personality disorder, he cant feel like you, love like you and act like you. If he would do get help, it would have to be for him, and for you to see results it would take time, the disorder will probably do its work on your relation. Did he tell you he is a manipulative man also ? Because he his. Who was saying this to you ? Is true self or the disorder ? One cant go without the other, run, live your life, dont go back there.

[goldylamont]

He wants to apologise to my parents and get help but he wants me to come back. To me that is kinda conditional shouldn't he want to do those things anyway whether I come back or not? I have been telling him these things for a year why suddenly does he realise them now? Maybe cause I am gone he has had to take a good look at himself and he has been talking to his parents a lot more about the situation so maybe they have given him some insight. Is it worth the risk going back? Does saying these things mean he will act on them?

no he won't act on them. he just wants what he wants right now, which is to engage with you more, which will result in him abusing you more. my ex and i talked through a lot of things maybe 10 months or so after our final breakup--she came to lots of "realizations" about her behaviors but stopped short of a full apology. but actually she hadn't changed and proved she would ultimately be disrespectful to me in the end.

whatever other women he is toying with--he's either bored with them or they are fed up with him so he's turning back to you. but trust that he's contacting other women at the same time saying much of the same thing. first one he can get a response from he'll start in with the abuse again.

[Pearl55]

When a borderline tries to reconnect with you, is never ever about you. They use every possible tacticts to win you back and when you participate in their sick games, you will lose your power and going back to depression again. Even years of intense therapy won't resolve their issues.

[loz1982]

Thank you very much for your responses, I started seeing a psychologist because I was feeling very depressed out of this and after telling her about my experience she said it sounds like he has BPD. I has never heard of it but I read Walking On Eggshells and it was about my life, then I found this website posted on it and no one has said otherwise! My ex has had a year to apologise but he hasn't as yet so that is why I hesitate!  My ex did go back on RSVP straight away which really hurt instead of spending  time getting help  or fighting for us. He has since come to his senses and realised  he doesn't want anyone else but me. Why didn't he realise this when he had me?  I know I've come a long way the hardest part is over and it's risking a lot to go back! He wants to make sure I'm coming back before he apologises otherwise I'm sure he wouldn't bother. I'm telling him I've lost faith I need to see actions to take the risk again but so far I'm interstate again I've seen nothing. I took a few weeks job interstate as I need to work as I thought we were over and he was upset, what's more important us or the work. I said you can't have a turnaround in 24 hours and expect me to stop my life and believe you when you haven't listened to me for a year. He said but we will grow apart if you do but what choice do I have at this stage. I want to be back but I'm scared! I feel guilty like I'm abandoning him

[RecycledNoMore]

I doubt it, the ex gave my mum the same treatment, called her a controlling b****, always hated her from the beginning,once after a physical assault, he wormed his way back by admitting he had anger problems, wanted soo badly to apologise to my mum, said she was a good woman who didnt deserve his abuse of her, blablabla

Promise promise promise

Sudden realisation that he was indeed a jerk

Sorry sorry sorry

Back in the r/ s

Bingo!

Denial, backtracking,bulls***

Around we go again

[necchi]

Again this is not about him, it's about you. Reread your post... .we will grow appart ? Is this the highest proof of love I've heard? Pffff keep facing the facts, stay here with us, don't go there. It will pass quickly. Make this about you! he will never be any good to you.

grow, set asside the magical thoughts, accept the obvious.

You cant fix IM, you will never be able to but he will leave you broken that is all the closure to gain.

[Changingman]

It's called 'bait and switch'.

You are being offered goods to lure you into the shop ( baiting ).

Then when you go to buy them they are unavailable and ( switch ) a more costly item is offered instead.

They cannot trust themselves, they betray themselves, they cheat themselves, they hurt themselves, they hate themselves, they are terminally doomed.

You get to taste all that yourself, and they watch fascinated.

AND it's not their fault, you knew what they were like, the way you treated them etc

They are sadly very sick, on such a confusing level for us.

They are very dangerous, emotionally, mentally, sexually and financially.

Disease ridden, mentally unsound, impulsive, angry, self centred to a pathological degree, vindictive then sad, crying, pathetic.

Letting them drive the relationship is folly.

Believing them? Come on!

For long term they need very compassionate partners, for short term anyone they idealise.

And they never stop, my xuBPDw is still 8 years later cycling through her crazy with her new SO and our kids, almost unaware of her abusive, manipulative influence.

It IS her.

Still if she 'goes off' on me I won't let her shame me, won't let her talk when it becomes about me. Since realising what BPD is, I've understood her motivations. She raged at me, and I said "I escaped you 8 years ago" first time she has ever gone completely silent, didn't even slam the phone down, just stunned. It was very telling.

Get yourself strong and find your joy

[necchi]

In order for I'm to heal, he must not b engaged in a relation, at least not one that is already damaged. You can  only be a trigger for him jeopardizing is recovery and the relation. Nothing ... .I know its hurtful,sad... .But don't wait till he devalue ,split you black, betray you... .believe me. Then you will have a hard time putting words on the pain. Sorry, i myself tried to avoid these conclusions because part of me was not willing to accept the reality.

[necchi]

Believing them? Come on!



lololol!  Hahaha  Nice one 

[necchi]

One more things,do you have kids ? Or do you want kids ?

if so are you willing to bring all this drama and crazy making up on them ?

jeopardizing their own sanity, getting their little mind tormented ?

make this about YOU, don't apologize,useless he don't know f@ck all what this word means and run, don't look ba k and don't allow yourself pity for I'm. Let him be.

[loz1982]

Wow recyclenomor your situation sounds very similar to you I guess I struggle with the what ifs, what if he means what he says and will make himself and my parents relationship better but after reading your post I realise my worst fears, what I fear the most, nothing changes! To find that out I have to go back but I think that bravery is beyond me now too much too lose!. I am a very compassionate person prob why I stayed around as long as I did when there were many times I could've left but even I have limits! I guess I am like a trigger but if I don't push him to get help who will I see the lost lonely soul that he is inside and it breaks my heart, I know he can't help it and it pulls at my heartstrings. Are they knowingly manipulative? The timing of his realisations  make me suspicious? Changingman when you say you now realise your  ex's motivations what are they? I'm still trying to understand their motivations. Was she diagnosed? marinro7 will he necessarily want to get help for someone  else  why am I the lucky one to be the trigger? Have you recycled with your BPD ex? Do you think the grow apart comment was a way to hurry me to come back? Just read your post no kids we were trying maybe it's a blessing we didn't have any cause they wouldn't deserve this! I thought maybe before I knew about BPD he would become more mellow when we had kids, he was so excited about having them!

[happylogist]

Is it worth the risk going back? Does saying these things mean he will act on them?

Even assuming he has no BPD or BPD is out of equation, has he done anything so far to decrease your risk taking chances? Has he talked to your parents and apologized? Is he willing to take time with you without your commitments and prove anything?

It is an utilitarian approach, but sometimes it helps to think about emotional matters with a BPDso from a perspective of a business venture. What are the questions you would be willing to ask to your business partner after a failed business? What should be the actions on both sides to diminish the riskiness? Are you ready to trust? Do you have enough previous experience to regard him as a person to be trusted. Just try to be neutral and ask him what are his further steps, what he is planning to do in the future with or without you? How is he trying to be less controlling in his relationships?

[necchi]

Yes i have recycled tried left, when n/c 4 months than she came back crying, getting a letter from her mom, promising this, than that in the end she split me black bcause  it was all make believe, all about herself. I come to believe that you haven't had a taste of the intensity of theirs spliting ?  Do you what to go there and see for yourself? Crazy making ! And mine wasn't worst or less or... .she a typical BPD. You will stop caring about him. DO IT NOW!

[loz1982]

The only thing he has done so far is tell me what he has learned about himself which I guess is the first step I have me mentioned BPD and congratulated him for recognising but said just recognising doesn't mean you can change these things these are ingrained you will need extra help from a professional so far hasn't. No he hasn't spoken to my parents if I assure him I'm coming back. If I don't promise him he wouldn't! Trouble is not sure if it will make a difference with my parents now as he has put them through hell so that's another thing to worry about as I can't not have my parents in our life. They will be in my life just don't want anything to do with him. No I can't trust him at this stage he has done many things and gone back on them sent an apology email taken it back with another email, went on depression tablets then went off them. A couple of weeks ago said he wouldn't apologise now saying he would. How can he become less controlling? Therapy? Or it's part of his personality that will never change?

[loz1982]

marinro7 what does splitting you black mean? Then I can tell you if I've experienced the intensity of it? I want the anger you feel instead of feeling sorry for him, I can't understand why I feel sorry for him and not me!

[necchi]

The grow appart is puppy love fantasy b/s talk... .coming from a 4 years Old

They can't sustained a mature relationship. If feel rejected, no matter whose fault it is you are bad, than the next time you are badder! Seen her choked my chiwawa, hurt my cat while on the phone w/her to get attention than gas lighted all of it !

[necchi]

You know. What? I still wanna fix her... .I'm just getting were i start to feel anger.

he gives you conditions for you to meet so you get your closure ! See how unhealty and selfish the desorder is ?... .if i how you an apology i give it to you because i feel and recognize empathy within me,  they are unable to. Not some , but, or if... .They cannot its all about them... .

[necchi]

They see people has black or white, no shade of gray. A person cannot be black and white at the same time ei: bad and good... .the splitting is exactly Dr jekkils and M. Hyde

[happylogist]

No he hasn't spoken to my parents if I assure him I'm coming back. If I don't promise him he wouldn't! Trouble is not sure if it will make a difference with my parents now as he has put them through hell so that's another thing to worry about as I can't not have my parents in our life. They will be in my life just don't want anything to do with him.

It seems that he is negotiating, but at this point it is you who have to negotiate the conditions. If he has done enough to make your parents believe that he is not a good match for you, your "trying" with him and failing at anything would be again blamed on your parents and you. In his controlling eyes it would be loss of his own control - this is why he blames your parents, with whom I would guess you have a close relationship. At this point the situation is not going to improve, all stays the same. At the same time, my guess is him being sorry and apologizing is a way to show himself that he tried to save your relationship. If it is true, the things would be worse than before - now he is scapegoating you for the future mistakes by taking no action and confirming his change in words, but no actions.

If someone is controlling - realization helps, but also actions - giving control to others, not necessarily committing to therapy, but being able to be OK with giving out some control to others and acknowledging mistakes. So a person who is willing to change - would agree to wait with the decision, would try to improve ALL important relationships (and if he is serious about you - the future with your family).

[necchi]

Take time to go trough other post, ask moderator for information on the different behavior and scare yourself to death!

[DragoN]

From experience my ex who lied frequently whether there was any reason to do so or not. Almost as if it were a compulsion. He would tell lies about ridiculous things that really meant nothing. He told lies to people who knew the truth as if he expected them to forget the truth and believe his lies. He openly lied to people while telling them what he was lying about and how he managed his lying.

I guess my point is you shouldn't be surprised your bf tells lies to his and your family and you. You are supposed to be his life partner, arguably his closest friend and confidante yet he lies to you. Telling lies is just one of those things that PD's do.

In short, Look only at his Actions. Anything else you can flush.

[necchi]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331266

[Pearl55]

Most borderlines are pathalogical liars. They believe to their lies.

[necchi]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=58298.0php?topic=62033.0https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/indhttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0ex.php?topic=87006.0

[RecycledNoMore]

The only thing he has done so far is tell me what he has learned about himself which I guess is the first step I have me mentioned BPD and congratulated him for recognising but said just recognising doesn't mean you can change these things these are ingrained you will need extra help from a professional so far hasn't. No he hasn't spoken to my parents if I assure him I'm coming back. If I don't promise him he wouldn't! Trouble is not sure if it will make a difference with my parents now as he has put them through hell so that's another thing to worry about as I can't not have my parents in our life. They will be in my life just don't want anything to do with him. No I can't trust him at this stage he has done many things and gone back on them sent an apology email taken it back with another email, went on depression tablets then went off them. A couple of weeks ago said he wouldn't apologise now saying he would. How can he become less controlling? Therapy? Or it's part of his personality that will never change?

I am always stunned at the similarities... .

The ex also tried antidepressants for his depression, I dont know if he actually had depression, but In my heart I think he only went to the doc to get in a government benefit, he couldnt hold a job for very long, kept getting into fights or having differences with people, anyhoo, after about a week he stopped taking them, said he didnt like the way they made him feel, so I encourage him to change to a different type, he agrees then nothing.

Actions speak louder than words

You do sound like a lovely compassionate person, and I think this guy knows it

And I think hes using that woderfull quality within you

Against you.

[Changingman]

Believing them? Come on!



lololol!  Hahaha  Nice one

pw BPD

I'll ALWAYS love you... .

... .Grrrrrrrrr... .Grrrrrrrrrr... .GRRRRRRRRRR... .GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR

[Pretty Woman]

Being split black is absolute HELL.

Believe me, you do not want to experience it. Mine told me I was responsible for our relationship failing and that I was a toxic person. She deleted me from everything, blocked my number and it now dating someone I thought was my friend.

They will smear you to anyone who will listen and they will make YOU feel like you are crazy.

Get out while you can. It will never change and you will hurt more than you are now... .it is like someone ripped your heart out and shoved it in a meat grinder.

[heartandwhole]

loz1982,

This is very tough to go through, it really pulls on your heartstrings, and I know how tempting it is to believe that he has "seen the light."  So many of us wanted to believe the words, me included. 

You know, he may have had an epiphany, but it doesn't mean he is suddenly, miraculously equipped to act on this realization.  He needs help (just like we do) to change those defensive mechanisms that he has been using his whole life.  That takes time and lots of work, loz!

Saying that he'll apologize to your parents only if you promise to get back with him says to me that he does not understand what true change entails.

If he wants to change, that is wonderful, and I hope he takes action toward that goal.  But wanting to, and being able to, are two different animals.  I don't believe anything would be different if you went back – not because he doesn't want them to be, but because he hasn't learned how to change his behavior/thinking/emotional regulation.  Again, time and work.

This is your time loz1982.  This is your healing, and you have come far.  Only he can heal himself.