Self-Inventory

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've seen a few posts about inventories. 

I am not innocent here, and I certainly do not claim to be a victim.  I refuse to because victims never get free.  I know, for sure, I had my faults.  Whether it was drinking allot towards the end (she didn't make me put the bottle to my lips), internet chat rooms, verbal abuse back at her(decided to fight fire with fire), etc, etc.

So, I am wondering, how do I look at this relationship and try and see what was my fault in a self-inventory, what needs to be changed about me, and what I can do to never let this happen again?  Is this really helpful, and if honestly done, can it be a freeing experience.

I found out last Sat night (from my son), "that I had to sleep at maw-maw's house because mommy fell asleep at the x mas party."  Needless to say, I went crazy until Tuesday (yesterday was my 1st day of true NC).  Calling her, saying,"If you tell me you like him, I will leave you alone forever!" Desperation. I got nothing, zilch, zero response from her (talk about closure). 

Anyway, she had made promises to me 2 months before that we were getting back together.  But I caught her lying, which she turned back around on me.  And distanced herself throughout Thanksgiving, and I knew she wouldn't be around for x mas... .ruining my holiday.  She was also triangulating with her friend, who I gave her an ultimatum not to speak with anymore, and I had had enough.

I texted her some evil things, I will not lie.  I was hurt, devastated that I brought her back into my life, to be hurt and abandoned again. She had an abortion 2 years into our relationship (like 12 years ago).  I texted her really awful things like I was the unborn baby talking to her.  I am ashamed that I am even admitting this to ya'll, really.  I said things like "mommy, I was going to wear pretty dresses for you, mommy" "mommy, were you mad at me" etc, etc.

I think I was so damn evil because I sub-consciously wanted her to paint me black once and final for good, you know?  I hated what she had done to me, turning me into an angryperson, who had no self-esteem (all traits I used to have).  At the end there, I couldn't even look people in the eye.  So, I feel terrible about what I did, would an inventory be okay and would it help me get free?

Thanks,

Arn

[arn131arn]

I've seen a few posts about inventories. 

I am not innocent here, and I certainly do not claim to be a victim.  I refuse to because victims never get free.  I know, for sure, I had my faults.  Whether it was drinking allot towards the end (she didn't make me put the bottle to my lips), internet chat rooms, verbal abuse back at her(decided to fight fire with fire), etc, etc.

So, I am wondering, how do I look at this relationship and try and see what was my fault in a self-inventory, what needs to be changed about me, and what I can do to never let this happen again?  Is this really helpful, and if honestly done, can it be a freeing experience.

I found out last Sat night (from my son), "that I had to sleep at maw-maw's house because mommy fell asleep at the x mas party."  Needless to say, I went crazy until Tuesday (yesterday was my 1st day of true NC).  Calling her, saying,"If you tell me you like him, I will leave you alone forever!" Desperation. I got nothing, zilch, zero response from her (talk about closure). 

Anyway, she had made promises to me 2 months before that we were getting back together.  But I caught her lying, which she turned back around on me.  And distanced herself throughout Thanksgiving, and I knew she wouldn't be around for x mas... .ruining my holiday.  She was also triangulating with her friend, who I gave her an ultimatum not to speak with anymore, and I had had enough.

I texted her some evil things, I will not lie.  I was hurt, devastated that I brought her back into my life, to be hurt and abandoned again. She had an abortion 2 years into our relationship (like 12 years ago).  I texted her really awful things like I was the unborn baby talking to her.  I am ashamed that I am even admitting this to ya'll, really.  I said things like "mommy, I was going to wear pretty dresses for you, mommy" "mommy, were you mad at me" etc, etc.

I think I was so damn evil because I sub-consciously wanted her to paint me black once and final for good, you know?  I hated what she had done to me, turning me into an angryperson, who had no self-esteem (all traits I used to have).  At the end there, I couldn't even look people in the eye.  So, I feel terrible about what I did, would an inventory be okay and would it help me get free?

Thanks,

Arn

[goldylamont]

So, I feel terrible about what I did, would an inventory be okay and would it help me get free?

yes and Yes! you are on the right track arn131arn. one of the few gifts you get out of coming out of one of these r/s is the things that you learn from them. i did and said nasty things too while in the r/s, i think most all of us have.

the difficult thing for me to figure out after leaving was what issues were inherently mine and which were ones that i displayed only within the context of having an emotionally abusive partner. when i left the r/s i thought that i had anger issues that i needed to work on. but now a couple year's later, and looking at r/s i had both before and after her i can see that this was only isolated to the time i was with her. i still need to be aware of this within me but i feel safer now after not being involved with pwBPD intimately.

some of the things will simply take time to truly figure out--like, how will you act and what issues do you have in a r/s with someone who is generally healthy?

also, if you have close friends who you can discuss things with, ask them to give you honest answers. i asked my friends all kinds of crazy stuff i was gaslighted into thinking like "am i narcissistic?", or "do you think i have anger issues?"--hearing their responses was very helpful for me to separate the real from the fake.

you're on the right track though. keep digging and learn my friend.

[arn131arn]

So, I feel terrible about what I did, would an inventory be okay and would it help me get free?

yes and Yes! you are on the right track arn131arn. one of the few gifts you get out of coming out of one of these r/s is the things that you learn from them. i did and said nasty things too while in the r/s, i think most all of us have.

the difficult thing for me to figure out after leaving was what issues were inherently mine and which were ones that i displayed only within the context of having an emotionally abusive partner. when i left the r/s i thought that i had anger issues that i needed to work on. but now a couple year's later, and looking at r/s i had both before and after her i can see that this was only isolated to the time i was with her. i still need to be aware of this within me but i feel safer now after not being involved with pwBPD intimately.

some of the things will simply take time to truly figure out--like, how will you act and what issues do you have in a r/s with someone who is generally healthy?

also, if you have close friends who you can discuss things with, ask them to give you honest answers. i asked my friends all kinds of crazy stuff i was gaslighted into thinking like "am i narcissistic?", or "do you think i have anger issues?"--hearing their responses was very helpful for me to separate the real from the fake.

you're on the right track though. keep digging and learn my friend.

Thanks, Gold.  :)on't think I ever had me one of them.  The more I think and ponder that question, the harder it is to admit.  But I think I may be attracted to these girls.  I only had another serious gf bsides my son's mother.  The other always had her exbf around in the loop, and it also drove me nuts... .swearing off love forever.  

She has me believing that I am psycho (whihc she likes to call me), controlling (bc I gave her an ultimatum with her friend she triangulates with), and abusive (what she told everyone about me (I'm sure she has shared all of the texts about the abortion to anyone who would look, "I mean, this is how crazy he is... .SEE!"

Anyway, my sponser in AA, has told me that I am ONLY allowed to look at what I did wrong, what I did wrong.  That one day I will be able to clean my side of the street with her.  I said, "no way! she would never accept my amends"... .he said it didn't matter what she accepts or tolerates, it was about me getting right with the universe and cleaning my side of the street.  Because I drink because of Fear Obligation, and Guilt! And as long as I am feeling that way about ME, I will NEVER get free of her or alcohol!

Learned so much here in 2 days... .starting to smile again!  Well, I guess I will smile until she falls asleep at another party LMAO!

[Want2know]

Don't think I ever had me one of them.  The more I think and ponder that question, the harder it is to admit.  But I think I may be attracted to these girls.  I only had another serious gf bsides my son's mother.  The other always had her exbf around in the loop, and it also drove me nuts... .swearing off love forever.  

You have been in a difficult relationship for most of your adult life so far, and from what you say, you don't feel you've ever been in a healthy relationship.  Personal Inventory is a good place to start looking at cleaning your side of the street.  It's not going to be easy, especially if you have an alcohol dependency.  Kudos to you for being here and going to AA.  My sister also was in a similar spot as you, regarding the alcohol, and has been clean and sober for over 25 years, and is in a very healthy relationship, from what I can tell.  So, there is hope - don't ever forget that! 

It may be hard to seriously dig into your own inventory if you are still working on detaching from your ex with a son involved.  There will be a lot of blaming - on both parts, which tends to make us defensive and want to justify our behaviors instead of admitting fault.  Are you ready to do this?  Move past blaming her, using your 'wise mind' when she accuses you, and focus on looking at yourself?  That's a big step, if you are. 

If you haven't read this link regarding what it means to be in your wise mind, I would suggest you take a look at it - it helped me immensely, and you'll see quite a few references to it on the site.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.msg619341#msg619341

[Perfidy]

Arn ... Merry Christmas buddy. A personal inventory is something that is ongoing for me. Whatever seems to bring me discomfort becomes a little clearer when I do an inventory. If you stick with it you will find that it is a better way to live. Don't forget that your inventory includes all of your desire able qualities as well as the areas where you could improve. The biggest thing to remember is that this is your inventory no one else's. This is where the real growth and healing come from. Best wishes.