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Author Topic: Do you ever feel sorry for them?  (Read 3950 times)
Kallor74
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« on: December 25, 2013, 05:32:12 PM »

I just watched Prozac Nation and it's an real eye opener into how people with BPD think. I know they hurt people and are quite cruel but do you ever feel sorry for them?
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guitargrl
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« Reply #1 on: December 25, 2013, 05:39:37 PM »

I often feel sorry for him….I see extreme sadness and despair at times and I wish I could just take it all away, but there is nothing I can do for him. It breaks my heart at times to see how much he suffers but then he can be so damn mean and unkind that I feel like he is pure evil and for a moment I do not like him at all.  Its just so crazy!

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Calm Waters
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« Reply #2 on: December 25, 2013, 05:41:00 PM »

every day i wish my ex BPD gf well and hope that one day she will see that she needs to get help. I feel pity rather than sorry
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mango_flower
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« Reply #3 on: December 25, 2013, 05:44:39 PM »

I swing between the two.  If I had to choose, I'd want her to find inner peace.

Seems unfair she seems to get her happy ending after all she did, but I do know she's unwell.

So yeah.  I do feel sorry for her. 
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« Reply #4 on: December 25, 2013, 05:45:25 PM »

Sorry to which side of the pwBPD? Sorry to which face being presented to you? The side that was nice and polite and loving; or that awful creature the person transforms into after intimacy/closeness is triggered?
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Perfidy
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« Reply #5 on: December 25, 2013, 05:45:48 PM »

I felt sorry for her for seven and a half years. Insanity was my reward. Over it
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Kallor74
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« Reply #6 on: December 25, 2013, 05:48:32 PM »

My exgfwBPD was one of most beautifully horrific tortured soul I have ever come across. I know I can't fix or save her from her mental illness but I do pity her.  What really frightens me is how much I saw of myself in her.
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myself
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« Reply #7 on: December 25, 2013, 06:07:21 PM »

Sorry for what they can not help doing, and for when they could change but choose not to. Sorry they can't appreciate needs being met. Sorry their pain is as real as ours.
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free-n-clear
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« Reply #8 on: December 25, 2013, 06:11:59 PM »

  Hi Kallor74. Feeling sorry/having pity for them is fine, it shows you are a caring person. The problem is pwBPD will always take advantage of the caring people in their lives, if given the chance. It's hard to turn away from someone you still genuinely love, but ultimately it's not only in your best interests, it's the best thing you can do for them, too. They'll never get to the point of seeking the professional help they need if they always have enablers who care about them. They'll probably never get to that point at all, but it's their best hope.
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MrFox
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« Reply #9 on: December 25, 2013, 06:34:06 PM »

I do sometimes feel sorry for my exBPDgf.  The I remember that she is well aware that she has BPD and was in treatment at one point.  Then she stopped getting treatment, stopped telling people that she had it (I didn't find out until after the relationship ended), and went about her merry way destroying the lives of the people she was closest to, all why playing the victim.  I stop feeling sorry for her then.  I pity her.  Who I do feel sorry for is her daughter, her ex-husband and his new wife, and anyone else that has her in their lives. 
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Undone123
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« Reply #10 on: December 25, 2013, 06:46:46 PM »

Merry christmas everyone!

Re this: I only feel sorry for my ex. She is a true tragedy! She will never know love... .She can mimic love, and recognise it in other people. But she will never know that feeling of Love... .And it's not her fault.

I can not think of anything more tragic in this world!
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« Reply #11 on: December 25, 2013, 07:05:38 PM »

I always felt very sorry for my husband but not anymore because he's not able to understand. I saw one of my friend's friend tonight who I know she is a borderline. We were talking about borderlines and I said I've got no sympathy for them as they destroy people's life and selfishly deny their issues!

She said shame prevents them to get help. When they don't care about themselves how you expect they are able to care for others! Soo true.
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« Reply #12 on: December 25, 2013, 07:42:44 PM »

myself

Yes.  :)eep down inside, I do feel sorry for them.  PwBPD miss out on so many of the real joys in life.  That saddens me.

It does not mean they should be allowed to manipulate or abuse others because of their disorder.  

It means boundaries are necessary as are realistic expectations of what they are capable of and what they are not capable of, and most importantly why.  
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« Reply #13 on: December 25, 2013, 07:50:15 PM »

I felt sorry for her for seven and a half years. Insanity was my reward. Over it

If I could up vote you, I would. Such a true statement of how I feel right now.
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Monarch Butterfly
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« Reply #14 on: December 25, 2013, 08:11:06 PM »

I feel sorry for him a lot. More than I should. Makes it hard to leave.

The only time I don't feel sorry is when he keeps throwing lies in my face, lies which I believed for decades - it's all my fault, I'm the one to blame for our marriage going downhill, I'm the one who can't live with no social life, I'm the one that can't be satisfied with degrading impersonal sex, I'm the one that can't be happy 100% of the time, I'm the one keeping his family away and on and on and on.

I am sorry I ever got myself into this relationship. Looking at the good side, I will come out of this relationship stronger and wiser. I have him to thank for that.
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santa
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« Reply #15 on: December 25, 2013, 08:18:58 PM »

No pity here. I think they're all scum of the earth. They should all be in prison.
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Monarch Butterfly
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« Reply #16 on: December 25, 2013, 08:37:34 PM »

Santa,

   I think many of them are in their own prison - we just can't see the bars.
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bright_future_mama
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« Reply #17 on: December 25, 2013, 08:48:30 PM »

I think feeling sorry for her is what I struggle with the most.  When she's lied or manipulated, I get really angry and feel so justified in cutting her off (my mother).  But as time goes by, I think I yearn for the mother I'll never have.  And my sisters are still very involved with her and I'm like the forgotten child (by choice, but it is still hard). Mom will act good for a while and then I feel like I've been too harsh and let her back in.  And she always, always lets me down again.  I've been in this same cycle for years.  Ironically, I was on another BPD message board in 2002.  I unsubscribed back then and then rejoined this month.  When i joined back, I could go back and read my old messages and I was like "OH MY GOD I've been doing this same cycle for over ten years."

I feel sorry for her because she's a tortured, lonely soul and there were good times.  I feel like she loved me in the way she knew how.  Her mother was a borderline and I think she had a pretty weird childhood.  So, is it her fault?  

Then I flip flop... .My mother definitely knows how to play the waif and get people to "rescue" her).  She knows to lie and she knows to cover up things she's done so that would show she knew it was wrong.  Truly, that would make her a sociopath because she doesn't have a conscience.  The end justifies the means in her eyes.  She has pulled identity theft on me, my two sisters, my Dad and my stepdad.  Forging signatures for credit cards and student loans.  And everyone (except me) just pays it back and doesn't hold her accountable.  But she knew to lie about these things.  And never really said she was sorry when she got caught.  She even convinced my sisters she did it to pay for their college.  Sometimes I wonder if BPD is just another way to say 'bad person.'  I mean, that's really what they are, isn't it?  

When I have compassion for her, I get hurt.  So, it's tough as you all know.  Her ex best friend is a therapist and told me if I could live with the guilt if she died tomorrow, to get as far away from her as I could.  
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caughtnreleased
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« Reply #18 on: December 25, 2013, 09:13:39 PM »

I feel sorry for them, for us and for everyone who has to deal with BPD, either by having it or for those who are attached to someone who has it. They suffer and we suffer. Nobody seems to win.
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Waifed
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« Reply #19 on: December 25, 2013, 09:25:41 PM »

My feelings have changed as my healing has progressed. I have always felt pity for her. I probably would have sacrificed the rest of my life to make hers better, but once she cheated all bets were off.

During the initial stages I felt sorry for her and was angry with her all at the same time. I then became very angry and wanted revenge. Now that the hurt is gone I feel sorry for her and as I told her I will always be there to help her pay for any therapy even though I can't be with her anymore.

I realize that she could get help if she really wanted but let's face reality. The reason they don't seek help is the same reason that they are so messed up. They have developed coping mechanisms to survive. The fear of being exposed is like a death sentence for most of them.  Exposing their shame and self hatred is too painful. They can not bring themselves to talk about this shame and self loathing to anyone. It is such a ___ed up mess.  The ultimate mind ___. A total circle jerk.  A perpetual ticket to ride on the merry-go-round of life. Everyone loses. That is everyone that a pwBPD becomes involved with, including themselves.

I am thankful that I can move on and become happy again. She will have good moments but they will be fleeting. I pray for her a lot. I pray that He will have mercy on her and ask Him to heal her. Not for me. Only for her. Our time together is a thing of the past.
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findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #20 on: December 25, 2013, 09:58:34 PM »

I would echo a lot of what Waifed says... .I was also with a Waif. I often told her I thought she "looked sweet" on her dating profile. She never could quite understand. In therapy, I remembered I saw her profile and thought that she just needed some TLC. Now I'm sure that her hurt reflected in the sadness in her pictures is some of what drew me to her. My desire to comfort her and turn it into a success story sort of as a redemption for my mom's story (single mom/not terribly healthy/emotionally not so stable). On another level, finding some worth for myself in being a rescuer. Doesn't usually work out.

I saw her deep hurt and brokenness early on. I did try to comfort her and hoped to improve the relationship. I was a really good boyfriend/fiance. Of course it didn't matter, as it was just textbook borderline. She was never in love with who I really was. I think I had a better idea of who she really was, but didn't realize the depths of her brokenness.

I do send some prayers for her and her daughter sometimes. Anyone who hurts people like we've been hurt must have experienced some really serious suffering at some point. I don't think her family dynamic is very healthy or supportive. It doesn't excuse an adult continually behaving poorly, but it's a sign to point to. I wouldn't doubt if they all had some unhealthy codependency or even borderline traits. Though in some ways it's a never-ending sad love story, the responsible thing to do is to let her go and give her a chance to hit rock bottom and wake herself up.
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maxen
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« Reply #21 on: December 25, 2013, 10:15:38 PM »

Excerpt
Do you ever feel sorry for them?

no.
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #22 on: December 25, 2013, 11:29:56 PM »

I am deeply troubled by this question. While on one hand I'm personally sympathetic and feel pity about what has happened to them, conversely on the other hand I am disgusted and repelled by how they choose to deal with it. 

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« Reply #23 on: December 26, 2013, 12:47:11 AM »

I feel compassion for any human being that was sexually abused as a young child. Do I feel sorry for her, no. I accept that she is alien. I love or loved a different breed. Wolves can mate with dogs. We are hybrid.
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Littleopener
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« Reply #24 on: December 26, 2013, 03:24:19 AM »

Yes I do feel sorry for him.

But I am too caring a person. The man I'm with now doesn't understand why I do feel sorry for him, the way he has treated me and they way I cry at night thinking I'm a bad person because of him.

But because I do feel sorry for him is why I know deep down I am a good person.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #25 on: December 26, 2013, 05:18:51 AM »

I do feel sorry for the pain pwBPD was in.  I suspect that the pain I felt and difficulty coping while in the r/s and afterward was akin to what he deals with everyday.  That breaks my heart.

And the shenanigans make me angry, too, because I'm human. 
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #26 on: December 26, 2013, 05:50:16 AM »

Yeah, I feel sorry for that beautiful little girl who could have been a fine human, if she just hadn't been so damaged by her parents, then again, she wouldn't exist without them. I also feel sorry for the ripple effect, the decades–long wake of destruction she's left and all the pain she's created for people, and I feel sorry for the fact she's a survivor and hasn't yet felt enough pain to look for and find the right kind of help. Oh, and I feel sorry for the fact it took a boatload of borderline–induced pain to get through my thick skull and make me open to lessons and truth. Lots of sorry, sad situation, but we too are survivors, and nothing but good can come from our processing and healing; that's my story and I'm stickin to it... .
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« Reply #27 on: December 26, 2013, 06:07:44 AM »

I do feel sorry for my ex... .  but it's this feeling that has kept me stuck and unable to fully disentangle myself from him at times despite being downright afraid of him at other times.  I can't even bring myself to say that I also feel sorry for myself.  No, I absolutely do not deserve to go thru the abuse he has doled out but I'm strong.  As broken as I am at this point, I will be okay.  This has all made me need to focus on my own issues and learn how to deal with those things... .I just wish he could do the same for himself... .  don't think it will ever happen though... .
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happylogist
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« Reply #28 on: December 26, 2013, 06:13:51 AM »

I felt sorry a lot before, even after the break-up, but not any more (6 months NC).

The reasons:

1) he is a high-functioning one - he has a good career, good network of people around him - the only thing he needs to have a bit of willpower to change things, but for many reasons he prefers not to (it is a convenient escape!).

2) he lives on discomfort, hurt and drama of others, somehow his motto "if I feel pain - others have to pain as well!", of course he doesn't say it, but it turns out that.

3) he always finds a caregiver willing to feed his ego. I did before, paid too much - starting with almost losing my family and friends and ending with having so much projected self-hate and guilt.

I feel sorry for being stupid and having so many false beliefs and I am working on becoming proud of myself. I am sure he doesn't feel sorry for me, so why should I now?

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« Reply #29 on: December 26, 2013, 10:19:18 AM »

Not right now I don't.

I DO hate her right now.  There is no feeling sorry for her.  I read in an old Ab Psych textbook last night that they have hx od childhood sexual abuse.  Now, I am not that evil to laugh or feel good if that ever hapened to her or anyone. Even pondered what sick f**k in her family would have done that to her.

But right now I am in that anger stage... .Just where I am.  Maybe one day I will feel sorry for her and try to understand that it is a mental disorder that should get some sympathy.

But she hurt me too bad this time, and I am on the road to my recovery... .and that means looking after me, not her... .no room for her right now
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