my BPD mother is dying

[Calm Waters]

I am back in my home town expecting my mother to die quite soon. Its her time and she has reached nearly 87. She has had a very tortured life as an undiagnosed BPD, probably the most damaged person I have ever known but she has survived due to her faith. She attempted suicide a few times when i was very young I have recently discovered. In fact she gave me her will to take care of over 30 years ago and when I recently opened it I was shocked to discover a suicide note; clearly she had intended to try again but never to my knowledge did.I gave her 2 grandsons so perhaps that changed her mind and she has seen them grow up from a distance. I have had to confront my own BPD NPD issues over the last year as you may see from my other postings. I am frightened about how I will cope wit the next few hours or maybe days, but despite how angry I feel about my childhood and how BPD has dogged me all my life I now realise, she is my mother and I guess I have to believe she did her best so that is what I will do for her .

[Mara2]

I am so sorry.    

[Surnia]

I am so sorry, Calm Water, to hear this. 

And thank you for sharing this.

You are in my prayers.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I am sorry for your struggles with your mother, Calm Water.  You sound like you are hurting, and it's hard for me to imagine what it's like losing a parent.  Both of mine are still alive.  Like you, I believe my mother has BPD, so your mixed emotions make sense to me.  You and your mother are in my prayers.   

[PrettyPlease]

despite how angry I feel about my childhood and how BPD has dogged me all my life I now realise, she is my mother and I guess I have to believe she did her best so that is what I will do for her .

Calm Waters, I think that is very wise of you and I encourage you, if you are in a strong enough space, to give her what help you can. I think it will help you deal with the aftermath.

My mother, undiagnosed but probably some combination of BPD/NPD, died at 87, two years ago. I had not found this site, didn't understand how her PD worked, and had made my own, seemingly completely necessary, decision to live very far from her. Thus I was not there to help her in her last three years, in which she slowly deteriorated. I did what I could by telephone when it became obvious what was happening, but I missed many cues that I would have gotten if I'd been physically there. This still troubles me.

I like your idea that she was doing her best; and in fact we probably all do the best we can with the resources we have available at the time.

I'm not sure if my rambling here is helpful.   . But I can say that I know that you're heading into something difficult, and I encourage you to post here about it as much as you need.

PP

[momtara]

I haven't read your other posts but deep inside you seem like a very strong and warm hearted person, even if you don't always realize it.  You should allow yourself to feel however you want to feel.  I think you will probably feel better if you treat her as kindly as you can, so you have no regrets later.  She is human even if she has been very difficult to deal with and hurtful.  That said, this is a very hard thing to go through and I am sorry you are going through it.  So many of us have to confront the morality of our parents no matter how long we were able to go without doing that.  You are strong and you will get through it.  Try not to be too hard on yourself or on her, and be good to yourself. 

[Calm Waters]

I am grateful for your thoughts, thank you

[heartandwhole]

What a loving thing to do, Calm Waters, both for your mother and yourself.    I'm praying for peace for you both. 

[dontknow2]

Calmwaters,

I am so sorry to hear about your mother.

I too have come to face my own BPD issues and wonder about my mother. I was so mad at her for most of my life. I just recently forgave her. It wasn't until after years of therapy, crying, overwhelmed by depression, anger, acting crazy and facing my own BPD issues that I can now see the hurt child in her. The hurt child that could never overcome all of it but did the best she could making it just a little better for me. That little bit of improvement was enough for me to get where I am today.

You are the hero of your own journey facing so much about yourself so you can love yourself and love others. Underneath all of her mistakes, she did a little right.

I cry for you and hope you have peace. My deepest sympathies.

[Clearmind]

CW, having a BPD parent can really leave a mark and there is much healing to do. I also grew up in a BPD household.

How are you processing all this? Therapist/pastor/someone to confide in? Do you have a good support network?

One of the biggest obstacles to healing is being silent and not talking it out... .how are you going with that? Its not easy I know however I cannot recommend it enough... .

[Perfidy]

Calmwaters, please accept my sympathy. I can understand how difficult it must be.

[Calm Waters]

It's been 30 hours now watching her slowly die. She is unresponsive but breathing steadily. She has effectively starved herself to near death because she was in so much physical and emotional pain. My npd father has neglected her for 3 years . Cam now see reading her diaries. I feel so angry that despite my protests about how they we're living they both hid the truth out of sheer pride and mental illness. It's torture watching her die like this it'. Pitiful.

[Want2know]

Painful, emotional, trying times.  I know... .I was holding my moms hand when she took her last breath. 

We did not have such a rocky relationship, so there is a difference.

What I am thinking is do what you know is the right thing to do, that you can live with.  A hard call to make.

We all struggle in life.  Some more than others.  We all deserve peace in the end.  I pray you find the strength to get through this with dignity for you and for your mother.   

[Calm Waters]

Thank you all of you your word. Are helping me at this extremely emotional time

[PrettyPlease]

It's good that you are there. Those three years are part of the illness and you did not cause them. I believe you could not have changed them, even if you were there.

My mother also had a three-year decline that she hid, and was avoiding doing things that could obviously have helped her, near the end. It's a protracted form of suicide. This sounds awful, and it is; yet still it helped me greatly, after my mother's death and I realised these things had happened, to read Lawson's words in "Understanding the Borderline Mother":

“The Queen's children must allow her the right to self-destruct while exerting their right to protect themselves.”

I realised that she no longer wanted to be here. She was conflicted about it, about how she did it, but that's what she was doing.

It's very hard as her child to accept this, but on reflection I had to agree with Lawson that she had that right.

PP

[Calm Waters]

Yes that's right she has finally committed suicide after many failed attempts when she was Younger. So this Is the second suicide for me in a year my Bpdexgf nearly succeeded a year last November I sat by her bed whilst she was In Inc a coma just like I am now with my mother. Great practices I have found a new vocation

[Calm Waters]

She died at 3 am UK time very peacefully at last she is free of BPD and at peace.

[Perfidy]

May she rest in peace. Calm waters you are strong and brave.

[PrettyPlease]

I'm glad you were there Calm Waters. And for her being at peace.

[Surnia]

Calm Waters

I am glad she could go peacefully. And so good you could be there.

May she rest in peace, may you find your way through your emotions. 

[heartandwhole]

God bless, Calm Waters.  I'm very sorry for your loss.  We're here for you.  

[Phoenix.Rising]

Calm Waters, My heart goes out to you in your time of grief.  May your dear Mother rest in peace.  Peace be with you and your family. 

[ucmeicu2]

Calm Waters 

i'm so sorry for your loss.  yet how blessed both of you were, by being able to be there for her/with her at this time of transition.

please take time for yourself in the coming hours, days, weeks.  time to grieve, to feel, to process... . to love yourself with kindness and compassion.

blessings