When they cheat why is it our fault?

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

In my experience they lie, lie, lie and blame, blame, blame.

My wife physically cheated once in Vegas and I suspected it all along but she denied it for years until finally coming clean. She was genuinely remorseful about it. (But this led me to learning she would cut herself. She did once after admitting to cheating in Vegas and then told me she had done it a dozen times or so in the years before. I had no idea this happened.)

The time I confronted her about an emotional affair that lasted for most of the marriage was a very different story. She denied everything - even after I quoted her emails directly - and she raged and turned everything around on me.  She physically broke things.  She threatened to divorce ME because she "couldn't be with someone who snooped" and that I read way more into the emails than they ever were meant to be. Oh and that she's just a flirty person and she can help that. 

Keep in mind the emails said things like "you are the exception to well, everything. For you I have wished and will forever wish for a time machine."  And "I wish you were here, you would have loved this concert and I cried because you weren't there." And not to be forgotten "There are things I want to say and share with you that for many reasons I know I can't. Timing has never been our thing."  (He was also married) The kicker, the night they first met, her and I had been engaged one month. Years after that initial meeting she fondly recalled "I'm thinking of the night we first met. I haven't felt anything like that before and haven't since. Maybe I've said too much."

Oh and there were 30 or so pictures exchanged too.

And I'M supposedly the crazy one for thinking there was a problem with this!

She kept in contact with this guy even after this confrontation and was upset that I ruined that friendship.  She just added him as a Facebook friend last week actually. Salt in the wounds.  In the mind

Oh let me add one more minor detail: that she is currently cheating with multiple men during our trial separation period (where we are supposed to not date anyone) and is lying about it. (I have concrete proof). I don't even know how I'll approach this one yet. I probably won't until our legal separation papers are done with the court.  I know when I do it will somehow be... . All. My. Fault.

[santa]

Because every bad thing she does is your fault.  

And you'd better not say anything or react in any way either because that'll put her in a bad mood and anything she does while she's in that mood is all your fault too. But if you don't say anything, then she's going to think that you don't care and then anything she does because of that is also your fault.

LOL

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Santa-

That really made me . Thanks for the laugh. .

It's so true though. So true.

[santa]

Anything good is all her though.  

And she would have done it sooner if you hadn't been holding her back for so long.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

LOL

Ok... . It's sad, true, and funny all at the same time!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Seeking,

It's understandable to wonder if it's your fault, as you say, you have heard that many times and may even be convinced it's true (FOG).    But, no, your wife's cheating is not your fault.  You are not responsible for her actions, and it didn't happen because you are not good enough.  She cheats for her own reasons and her own needs, which have nothing to do with you.

Don't "cheat" yourself out of happiness because of her actions.  You deserve to have a healthy, reciprocal relationship. 

[Grissum69]

I'll be honest with you after being recycled 3 times and cheated on I really don't know what to believe.   

[imstronghere2]

So, you didn't react the way she EXPECTED you to react and therefore that means you don't CARE and she can then do ANY DAMN THING SHE WANTS to.

Leaving you thinking "What the heck?"

Crazy is as crazy does.

Yup.  Lie, lie, lie and blame, blame, blame.   

Bottom line is that it's not your fault.  They cheat because that's what they do.  The cheating feeds their need for attention and validation.  Without it, they're starving to death.

Not your fault.   

[love4meNOTu]

I am fairly confident that my ex husband cheated on me during our separation.

He was also always looking up his ex girlfriends, although he told me many times he never had any contact with them. (this was bs... because he reported to me that one of them had passed away... and how did he know? Because he looked.)

I no longer know what to believe, but I am going to go get an STD check next week just to be sure.

I no longer believe anything he ever said to me.

If he did cheat, which I assume he did, since he accused me of doing it all the time (projecting) it has nothing to do with me.

This one is on him.

Must be a disgusting thing to live with. I'm so glad I've not been with anyone since my ex husband left. It makes me feel like I'm waiting for the right man, for the right reasons. I don't think I will ever be involved with a man who is so morally bankrupt again.

L

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

The sad this is I always believed my wife had morals and wouldn't cheat. Until I found out.

They talk the moral high road but travel down in the gutter.

It's truly astonishing the lies and manipulation I have experienced.

As I'm sure you've read, my wife has cheated with multiple men during our separation period. She had a routine obgyn appointment with std tests as standard procedure a few weeks ago. She had the NERVE to say that she hoped everything came back negative because that would have meant I WAS THE ONE who had been cheating. Sick, manipulative behavior.  Thankfully all tests were negative but she was all ready to go to blame me if one of the men she's been with gave her something. Disgusting.

[Mutt]

So, you didn't react the way she EXPECTED you to react and therefore that means you don't CARE and she can then do ANY DAMN THING SHE WANTS to.

Leaving you thinking "What the heck?"

Crazy is as crazy does.

Yup.  Lie, lie, lie and blame, blame, blame.   

Bottom line is that it's not your fault.  They cheat because that's what they do.  The cheating feeds their need for attention and validation.  Without it, they're starving to death.

Not your fault.   

I noticed a specific pattern with my wife recently if I call her out or confront her with the truth. She goes on the attack, denies any wrong doing and turns the tables and makes it sound like I'm abusive.

DARVO

Deny Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender.


www.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial

[seeking balance]

The sad this is I always believed my wife had morals and wouldn't cheat. Until I found out.

Cheating for a pwBPD is NOT a morality issue - it is a maladpative coping issue... . it could be cutting, gambling, drugs - sex or  "connecting" somewhere else has nothing to do with morals if BPD is the cause.

Clinically understanding the way BPD works in the mind is how I was able to resolve who I thought I married versus the actions of what I actually married.

pwBPD have very thin emotional skin and no coping skills - as such, the shame that cheating causes in them is unbearable.  They cannot fathom they are that horrible of a person, as such PROJECTION is a coping mechanism that kicks in saving the pwBPD from potentially a worse outcome than creating a scenario where you are the cause in their own mind... . of course you are the cause - you said you loved them, you were suppose to complete them and fill that gaping hole - when you did not live up to that, she had no choice but to cheat ... . in her mind.

Taking this thinking a step further - can you see how this same thin emotional skin and lack of coping skills can lead to suicide attempts... . projection is a much preferred maladaptive coping skill in this scenario.

I fully understand how you feel in this - being cheated on sucks, being cheated on by someone you have already given so much of yourself up for sucks even more... . it will take you time to work through emotionally. 

The more you can learn the facts of the disorder - check out Marsha Linehan, she is the guru - the more it may help you depersonalize this so you can heal the very deep wounds inside of you.

Best,

SB

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Thank you Seeking Balance. That is some really great perspective.

She does have very very poor coping skills. I often tried to get her to address that specifically.

I am trying to depersonalize this from the person who I love cheating on me to a person who has an illness that can't cope with things.

Wonderfully helpful advice. Much thanks.

[blueeyedjess]

The sad this is I always believed my wife had morals and wouldn't cheat. Until I found out.

Cheating for a pwBPD is NOT a morality issue - it is a maladpative coping issue... . it could be cutting, gambling, drugs - sex or  "connecting" somewhere else has nothing to do with morals if BPD is the cause.

Clinically understanding the way BPD works in the mind is how I was able to resolve who I thought I married versus the actions of what I actually married.

pwBPD have very thin emotional skin and no coping skills - as such, the shame that cheating causes in them is unbearable.  They cannot fathom they are that horrible of a person, as such PROJECTION is a coping mechanism that kicks in saving the pwBPD from potentially a worse outcome than creating a scenario where you are the cause in their own mind... . of course you are the cause - you said you loved them, you were suppose to complete them and fill that gaping hole - when you did not live up to that, she had no choice but to cheat ... . in her mind.

Taking this thinking a step further - can you see how this same thin emotional skin and lack of coping skills can lead to suicide attempts... . projection is a much preferred maladaptive coping skill in this scenario.

I fully understand how you feel in this - being cheated on sucks, being cheated on by someone you have already given so much of yourself up for sucks even more... . it will take you time to work through emotionally. 

The more you can learn the facts of the disorder - check out Marsha Linehan, she is the guru - the more it may help you depersonalize this so you can heal the very deep wounds inside of you.

Best,

SB

WOW! What a great explanatory post. I think this is why my stbex embraced polyamory so fully for himself, but felt so abandoned when I tried it on for size. (SO not my thing) He tells me he is naturally poly but looking back I can see where some of his behavior changed as well as his attitude towards it. When he was in a relationship with someone else and had me to fall back on to do all the "dirty work" (ie- pay bills, cook, wash his clothes, take care of the kids) he was MUCH happier- the having his cake and eating it too scenario.

[seeking balance]

She does have very very poor coping skills. I often tried to get her to address that specifically.

I am trying to depersonalize this from the person who I love cheating on me to a person who has an illness that can't cope with things.

It is tricky on our parts, because the only way a pwBPD changes and gets treatment is when enough boundaries and people leave for them to see the problem might be them... . all people only change when they truly want to because doing things the same way hurts more.

For my part, it meant leaving and protecting myself - hard to do when I vowed the "sickness & health" thing... . but I had to resolve this all for me as the cheating was not something I wanted to live with.

[santa]

So, you didn't react the way she EXPECTED you to react and therefore that means you don't CARE and she can then do ANY DAMN THING SHE WANTS to.

Leaving you thinking "What the heck?"

Crazy is as crazy does.

Yup.  Lie, lie, lie and blame, blame, blame.   

Bottom line is that it's not your fault.  They cheat because that's what they do.  The cheating feeds their need for attention and validation.  Without it, they're starving to death.

Not your fault.   

I noticed a specific pattern with my wife recently if I call her out or confront her with the truth. She goes on the attack, denies any wrong doing and turns the tables and makes it sound like I'm abusive.

DARVO

Deny Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender.


www.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial

This is what I've been dealing with. She can yell at me, call me names, say how terrible she thinks I am, but if I say anything at all that isn't warm and fuzzy, she says it's abuse. I'm getting tired of it.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

[/quote]
This is what I've been dealing with. She can yell at me, call me names, say how terrible she thinks I am, but if I say anything at all that isn't warm and fuzzy, she says it's abuse. I'm getting tired of it.[/quote]
I know this all too well. I've been screamed at, called all kinds of names, suffered from verbal and emotional abuse. (With no apologies) There is such a double standard.   An example: she comes home from work and the dog is going crazy. I raise my voice to admonish the dog and am annoyed by him. I didn't say hello to her in a happy enough way (I was annoyed by the dog) so she says I snapped at her and then she withdraws on the couch until I go over and ask what's  wrong and try to make it better.

Time to get off that roller coaster.

[santa]

This is what I've been dealing with. She can yell at me, call me names, say how terrible she thinks I am, but if I say anything at all that isn't warm and fuzzy, she says it's abuse. I'm getting tired of it.[/quote]
I know this all too well. I've been screamed at, called all kinds of names, suffered from verbal and emotional abuse. (With no apologies) There is such a double standard.   An example: she comes home from work and the dog is going crazy. I raise my voice to admonish the dog and am annoyed by him. I didn't say hello to her in a happy enough way (I was annoyed by the dog) so she says I snapped at her and then she withdraws on the couch until I go over and ask what's  wrong and try to make it better.

Time to get off that roller coaster. [/quote]
LOL... . sounds familiar. The old "you weren't bursting with joy when I walked through the door, so we're in a fight now" routine. Can't stand it.

[fiddlestix]

I agree, I was raised Catholic  and took my marriage vows (through sickness and health... . ) seriously.  But after my ex slept with over 30 people I had to throw in the towel.  So very painful. 

Fiddle

[Turkish]

I told mine the other night that what she did was totally devaluing.  She said she did it because she felt devalued. I  said I pulled back due to her abuse.  She replied that I  should he'd stood up to her.

end of conversation.

[Waifed]

The sad this is I always believed my wife had morals and wouldn't cheat. Until I found out.

Cheating for a pwBPD is NOT a morality issue - it is a maladpative coping issue... . it could be cutting, gambling, drugs - sex or  "connecting" somewhere else has nothing to do with morals if BPD is the cause.

Clinically understanding the way BPD works in the mind is how I was able to resolve who I thought I married versus the actions of what I actually married.

pwBPD have very thin emotional skin and no coping skills - as such, the shame that cheating causes in them is unbearable.  They cannot fathom they are that horrible of a person, as such PROJECTION is a coping mechanism that kicks in saving the pwBPD from potentially a worse outcome than creating a scenario where you are the cause in their own mind... . of course you are the cause - you said you loved them, you were suppose to complete them and fill that gaping hole - when you did not live up to that, she had no choice but to cheat ... . in her mind.

Taking this thinking a step further - can you see how this same thin emotional skin and lack of coping skills can lead to suicide attempts... . projection is a much preferred maladaptive coping skill in this scenario.

I fully understand how you feel in this - being cheated on sucks, being cheated on by someone you have already given so much of yourself up for sucks even more... . it will take you time to work through emotionally.  

The more you can learn the facts of the disorder - check out Marsha Linehan, she is the guru - the more it may help you depersonalize this so you can heal the very deep wounds inside of you.

Best,

SB

I don't consider it a coping mechanism when they intentionally get on a plane for 8 hours to reconnect with a guy she already boned and sex chatted with for two months and then f@cks his brains out for 5 days. I call that a whore with no morals. I don't give a damn how hited up she is mentally. A slut is a slut. She said she was trying to get over me. I didn't know we were broken up, ... .

[santa]

The sad this is I always believed my wife had morals and wouldn't cheat. Until I found out.

Cheating for a pwBPD is NOT a morality issue - it is a maladpative coping issue... . it could be cutting, gambling, drugs - sex or  "connecting" somewhere else has nothing to do with morals if BPD is the cause.

Clinically understanding the way BPD works in the mind is how I was able to resolve who I thought I married versus the actions of what I actually married.

pwBPD have very thin emotional skin and no coping skills - as such, the shame that cheating causes in them is unbearable.  They cannot fathom they are that horrible of a person, as such PROJECTION is a coping mechanism that kicks in saving the pwBPD from potentially a worse outcome than creating a scenario where you are the cause in their own mind... . of course you are the cause - you said you loved them, you were suppose to complete them and fill that gaping hole - when you did not live up to that, she had no choice but to cheat ... . in her mind.

Taking this thinking a step further - can you see how this same thin emotional skin and lack of coping skills can lead to suicide attempts... . projection is a much preferred maladaptive coping skill in this scenario.

I fully understand how you feel in this - being cheated on sucks, being cheated on by someone you have already given so much of yourself up for sucks even more... . it will take you time to work through emotionally.  

The more you can learn the facts of the disorder - check out Marsha Linehan, she is the guru - the more it may help you depersonalize this so you can heal the very deep wounds inside of you.

Best,

SB

I don't consider it a coping mechanism when they intentionally get on a plane for 8 hours to reconnect with a guy she already boned and sex chatted with for two months and then f@cks his brains out for 5 days. I call that a whore with no morals. I don't give a damn how hited up she is mentally. A slut is a slut. She said she was trying to get over me. I didn't know we were broken up, ... .

This is basically it in a nutshell.

Personality disorder or not, a slut is a slut. A b!tch is a b1tch.

No matter what excuse they have, their actions make them who they are. You can't just turn a blind eye to their behavior.

[Waifed]

Amen. If they ever ran out of enablers they might actually seek help. Only pity from me.

[seeking balance]

Amen. If they ever ran out of enablers they might actually seek help. Only pity from me.

True, enabling is not recommended. 

For anyone who has been cheated on:

Be hurt, be sad - but if you are here (BPD FACING the FACTS) because you think your partner is mentally ill - great, understand the illness so you can detach and HEAL.  If you are here to degrade someone who cheated on you, this is not going to help you heal.

[maxen]

Cheating for a pwBPD is NOT a morality issue - it is a maladpative coping issue... . it could be cutting, gambling, drugs - sex or  "connecting" somewhere else has nothing to do with morals if BPD is the cause.

Clinically understanding the way BPD works in the mind is how I was able to resolve who I thought I married versus the actions of what I actually married.

pwBPD have very thin emotional skin and no coping skills - as such, the shame that cheating causes in them is unbearable.  They cannot fathom they are that horrible of a person, as such PROJECTION is a coping mechanism that kicks in saving the pwBPD from potentially a worse outcome than creating a scenario where you are the cause in their own mind... . of course you are the cause - you said you loved them, you were suppose to complete them and fill that gaping hole - when you did not live up to that, she had no choice but to cheat ... . in her mind.

very good statement. i can't remind myself of this often enough.

I noticed a specific pattern with my wife recently if I call her out or confront her with the truth. She goes on the attack, denies any wrong doing and turns the tables and makes it sound like I'm abusive.

when i faced my stbxw with her deceit she shrugged, then burst out with "I'M NOT PROUD OF IT!" so i was hurting her feelings by pointing out that she had lied her way out of the marriage and had wrecked me in the process.

[Pretty Woman]

Mine never cheated (ha ha). She would dump me and then be in a relationship a few weeks later with someone she had been working on.

I don't believe anything was physical but she did emotionally cheat. When I would take her back she would use the excuse we were "broken up" so she hasn't cheated.

Whatever.

[santa]

Mine never cheated (ha ha). She would dump me and then be in a relationship a few weeks later with someone she had been working on.

I don't believe anything was physical but she did emotionally cheat. When I would take her back she would use the excuse we were "broken up" so she hasn't cheated.

Whatever.

Mine never cheated on me either. I cheated on her about 3 months into our relationship though and she never got over it. She did, but then she brought it up whenever she was mad and even recently. It wasn't even a relationship. Just some girl I met in an elevator and wound up having sex with like 5 minutes later when I was drunk. That's the kind of guy I was when we first got together though and I stayed faithful after.

If she cheated on me, I would never have stayed with her.

[Turkish]

Cheating for a pwBPD is NOT a morality issue - it is a maladpative coping issue... . it could be cutting, gambling, drugs - sex or  "connecting" somewhere else has nothing to do with morals if BPD is the cause.

Clinically understanding the way BPD works in the mind is how I was able to resolve who I thought I married versus the actions of what I actually married.

pwBPD have very thin emotional skin and no coping skills - as such, the shame that cheating causes in them is unbearable.  They cannot fathom they are that horrible of a person, as such PROJECTION is a coping mechanism that kicks in saving the pwBPD from potentially a worse outcome than creating a scenario where you are the cause in their own mind... . of course you are the cause - you said you loved them, you were suppose to complete them and fill that gaping hole - when you did not live up to that, she had no choice but to cheat ... . in her mind.

very good statement. i can't remind myself of this often enough.

I noticed a specific pattern with my wife recently if I call her out or confront her with the truth. She goes on the attack, denies any wrong doing and turns the tables and makes it sound like I'm abusive.

when i faced my stbxw with her deceit she shrugged, then burst out with "I'M NOT PROUD OF IT!" so i was hurting her feelings by pointing out that she had lied her way out of the marriage and had wrecked me in the process.

Oh yeah, like mine said two months ago "you think this isn't hard for ME?"

Really? As if she had no choice... . and anything i saw just regarding her emotional states which concern me is "throwing her sickness in her face." Every response is a coping mechanism. That's why I try my best to not talk about our r/s, among other things.

[seeking balance]

Really? As if she had no choice... . and anything i saw just regarding her emotional states which concern me is "throwing her sickness in her face." Every response is a coping mechanism. That's why I try my best to not talk about our r/s, among other things.

Very good  not bringing this up to her - focus on you, your healing... . we cannot control anyone else and certainly not someone with maladptive coping skills triggered by real or perceived causes... .

The only win in this - get out and heal yourself.

[ctrlaltdel]

The cheating thing still makes me sick. My ex revealed her lively history of cheating on me during the breakup process. Only then I realized how fcked-up her game was. It wasn't just my fault, I was the one who cheated: she did an advanced version of what is called the "honey trap" (I recently learned that this trick has a name) by sending a friend to liquor me up and suck my brains out in front of a key witness: her co-worker, our mutual friend and ... . her secret lover. But I didn't know about their ongoing affair at the time, so for almost 4 years I've been feeling endlessly guilty for my mistake, while hearing the echo of her voice, earlier on in our relationship: 'if you cheat on me, i will kill myself'. It was so depressing. But knowing the truth is equally depressing... .