Does leaving the area cross your mind?

[Moonie75]

I moved here to be with my BPDex & I love this area. With one exception, it's a small community & she's in it!

Despite my fondness for where I currently live (beautiful part of South West England), I think I might heal quicker if I were to move back home. Possibly returning to enjoy these surroundings once I'm healed & indifferent to her!

But there's that damned 'stiff upper lip Englishman' in me saying "No! Don't let this harlot run you off her manor!"

It's a tough call & though I like my new friends here, moving home to my own manor has a lot to be said for it!



 

[santa]

If you like it there, you should stay. Don't let some slut influence where you live. If knowing she's there bothers you though, then it's not the place for you. She's going to be there being a crazy harlot whether you're there or not. Live somewhere you enjoy being.

[love4meNOTu]

Moonie - I have tons of room, come on down!

I'm sure you'll love Ohio, it's only 3 degrees today.



But yes, I do want to move away and am fact going to move to Texas within the next two years. Geographical cures never really work though, so it wouldn't be for that. I have no idea where my x lives and I have no wish to know. Yuck. As long as he stays away from me and mine, I don't even know he exists.

[Perfidy]

Being more than a thousand miles from ground zero helps in that I probably won't bump into the ex anywhere. Other than that I carry my crap with me wherever I go. I can get depressed and ruminate anywhere. I can get real and get healthy anywhere as well. I wouldn't live my life by anyone's terms except mine. Life on life's terms. That's what it's all about. Acceptance. Indifference. You'll get there. I may not even recognize the ex anymore. If I saw her right now I would probably ask myself what the hell I was thinking.

[Ruthie72]

Yes, it crossed mine, but more to the point, I'm fairly sure it crossed my uBPDex's, too. I moved down to the South West with him, but for a while still had a house up in the Midlands. He picked a time when I was off work for a couple of days to kick me out, and I think he thought ~ very tidily, for him ~ that I would just go back to my house. And I suppose I did give it consideration... . but I had a job down here, and I was in no fit state to start all over again even if I was going back to where I came from ~ I'd made that break and no-one would have given me a job when I was falling apart like that! Also the thought that he just imagined I would go back there and out of his life... . well, it made me angry enough to stay put! Yes, I still see him around now and then, but our lives don't really cross even though it is a small place, and now I have a house, job, friends, and a pretty good life filled with things I hadn't considered in the past and certainly didn't have where I used to live.

So, I can see where you're coming from, but unless things would be as good or better going back home, I wouldn't let her influence where you want to be.

[Moonie75]

Thanks all for your views.

I think my biggest issue is I'm finding that without realizing sometimes, like on autopilot, my movements have shifted to prevent bumping into her.

Also, when I first moved here, in the honeymoon period, she showed me around her home town. She showed me so much & so many historical & beautiful places. This all included her telling me all about her childhood here & growing up here etc.

It feels a little like my surroundings themselves are something of a trigger for me. It's like I'm walking around in her world, constantly!

I've made friends, good friends, got work in gigging bands here. But home has far less memories of her for me, less triggers. I know even back home I'll still hurt & suffer the pains of detachment, but without the place itself being such a trigger.

Maybe this will pass? But it's certainly having a profound impact on me at the moment. 

[Pearl55]

I will be moving to south west. It's really painful everywhere I go it reminds me of my husband and everybody knows him here because of his profession. He lied and still lies about me in this small community and it's very embarrassing. Everybody thinks I'm a vampire.

[Inside]

Moonie75,

I kinda feel like ‘she wins,’ cuz to partially get beyond her reach, last week I gave a two week notice (of resignation) at my place of employment and will use the time after leaving to prepare my home and property for sale, with the intension of moving on in several ways…  Twill be extremely difficult as I’m on my families ‘century farm,’ which on the west coast of the US is still a bit rare, but I can’t take my job nor the proximity to my exBPDgf. 

We met through a group of mutual friends, of which I began informing of my plans only days ago.  I’ll miss them, too.  I can’t blame this move entirely on the BPD relationship, but it’s done nothing but give me a false hope of happiness and the reality of disappointment and sorrow…  Damn  ~  it’s been a tough call over here, too :'( 

[Moonie75]

Inside, Pearl,

My sincere thoughts & feelings are with you guys too in this! It's truly cr@p situation to find ourselves in. 

[arn131arn]

I am really fortunate in this regard.  I was accepted into two schools for engineering this coming fall.  The first is 60 miles away.  I can still see my son every other weekend and 2x a week.  And it is a top 5 school for what type of engineering I am doing.

the second one is 5-6 hours away.  It is considered the top school for the type of engineering I am going for.  I can still see my son every other weekend in our home town, but 2x a week is not plausible.  But I can buy him a computer and maybe skype with him several nights a week... I don't trust his mother making sure that happens though.

I also applied to a school in the Southwest which has a great aerospace engineering program.  I have yet to hear from this one, and I truly don't want to go that far away from my son.  It would be nice when someone says, "you know it's not rocket science", I can say "well, actually... . "  .  

But in all fairness the top two choices are what I am currently considering.  It will be a discussion/decision i make with my son.  He is a big fan of the football team of the first choice, and I know that's where he would like me to go/visit on the weekends.  

But wherever I choose, I need to get better, because wherever I go... . there I am, right?

Arn

[zsazsa]

I highly recommend it.

[Moonie75]

I highly recommend it.

Did you do it?

[brokenbutalive]

I left Ireland and moved to Australia to get away from mine... . Can't really get much further away than that. Did it help? Yeah, undoubtedly. Hasn't stopped me obsessing over her but the fact I can live my life safe in the knowledge I'll never see or hear from her has helped loads

[RecycledNoMore]

It bears thinking about aye moonie, depends on where you are in recovery I think...

The ex moved away, but nz is a vry small country, im moving to oz at the end of this yr, I have wanted to for a while now, but between the exs criminal confictions, not being able to hold a job and just general drama with him,well the world is my oyster! And my daughter and I intend to explore... .

[Ruthie72]

Yeah, I can see how it being *her* territory would make things a lot harder and more poignant... . so yes, maybe moving is the answer. Whatever is best for *you* and helps you get through this situation. In my case, moving again was just something I didn't have the energy for.

[Turkish]

 if I didn't have kids I  would. I  think I could get a job in a  few other states.

I  actually did this once... .   partially over a woman.  it wasn't a r/s, but a  dysfunctional friendship with a woman I let cross all sorts of boundaries.  though I was in love with her,  too. I  moved out of state 15  years ago.  came neck the years later. I  realized the most important thing: I  took myself with me. I  was in hermit mode.  it turned out to be a brilliant career move,  and I  got to live in one of my two " dream"  states.  it matured me some,  and I  don't regret it at all.  perhaps I  did need to do it at the time to realize that wherever you go,  there's you are.

[Free2Bee]

Maybe the right decision will come to you when your ex is no longer factored into the equation? If it's too hard to heal and detach in your current location, might make sense to move on, fresh start?

[zsazsa]

I highly recommend it.

Did you do it?

Yes.

[maxen]

if you're young enough then it may be a good idea, but i'm well embedded. my recovery will be facilitated by closer connections with family (of whom i have alot) and friends (of whom i have few), among whom are some work colleagues. the stbxw and i travel in completely separated circles (mutual friends all gone) and please god i will never see her again (i looked at pictures of her yesterday and had half a mind to delete them). the only place i'd leave to are the places where my friends and family are concentrated (two different places).

[Pretty Woman]

Moonie,

  I live in a suburban area where I ran into my ex a lot while we were dating, however we are also gay and that community is very small. I am certain there will be a day our paths will cross at some event and I will deal with it as it comes. For now she has dissapeared from my life. I have lived here for 38yrs. I have no plans to move because she is here. This is my home.

[LilMissSunshine]

I would definitely consider moving if I were in your position.  Only because the only reason you live where you do was because of her.  Given that it is a small comunity it doesn't leave much opportunity for you to expand your talents or find the "woman of your dreams" when you are healed and your heart and mind are ready to move forward.  Having said that, I also think it's important for you to make a healthy decision.  The "triggers" will subside and you'll start feeling more comfortable.  Then you can weigh the pros and cons more clearly.   

[shellsh0cked]

I almost came VERY close to leaving the city.  I couldn't seem to escape her... . I wanted a fresh start.  Moving to the beach I thought might be a good change of pace.  Met a girl close to there... . wasn't working out, but we were friends, so I knew a couple of people.  

Couple things kept me home.  One is my folks.  They are getting up in age, and I really need to be close to them.  The other is several lifelong friends. That and my band that I play in which is part of my income and my recreation.  

Then I rekindled a friendship with a fine lady from my past.  We'd always been involved before, but we were both free now.  Now knowing what I know, I know what a terrible mistake leaving would have been.  I'd been there by myself, and alone.  I wouldn't have been happy.

Besides... . why should I move?  My xgf is the one that sucks... . not me.  

[ucmeicu2]

I moved here to be with my BPDex & I love this area. With one exception, it's a small community & she's in it!  Despite my fondness for where I currently live (beautiful part of South West England), I think I might heal quicker if I were to move back home. Possibly returning to enjoy these surroundings once I'm healed & indifferent to her!

good question Moonie ~  tough call. 

i thought it would be nice (read: F'n FANTASTIC! ) to move away but the details of my life made it next to impossible.  my xBPDgf was a hermit for most all of our r/s (except for that 12 step mtg she picked me up in!   ... .   <sigh> 

so fortunately i didn't have a LOT of triggers when i go out and about.

how about you Moonie, does every where you turn when you leave your front door remind you of her?  and if so, is it a level of pain you're able to deal with... . and seeing an improvement?

ultimately no matter where you go, there you are.

[Moonie75]

ucme,

To answer your question... . Yes, I am triggered by everywhere I look once I leave my front door. It's a truly beautiful & historic place I live in & it's impossible to not look at it as I move around within it. It's incredibly triggering due to her educating me so well on the history of this place, and her growing up in it!

On the other hand... . Each time I have an experience of my own here, without her, I'm forming my own history here. I hope if I stay I will come to have a bag full of my very own memories of the streets, market place, pubs etc. Memories post relationship, which don't included her.

You're right, where ever I go, there I'll be!

Ever heard the Dean Martin song 'Little Ole Wine Drinker Me'? I couldn't work out how to put a link on this thread. But it sums up moving away with a broken heart beautifully.

Sublime tune.

[ucmeicu2]

ucme,

To answer your question... . Yes, I am triggered by everywhere I look once I leave my front door. <cut>

On the other hand... . Each time I have an experience of my own here, without her, I'm forming my own history here. <cut>

Ever heard the Dean Martin song 'Little Ole Wine Drinker Me'? I couldn't work out how to put a link on this thread. But it sums up moving away with a broken heart beautifully.

Sublime tune.

hi Moonie, well (in bold), it sounds like you're hitting a pretty sweet spot of working thru your pain, actually. 

re the song: never heard it so i went to youtube... .   it's been covered by dean martin, merle haggard, showaddywaddy, robert mitchum, susan mccann, lefty frizzell, charlie walker, daniel mcdaniel, and on and on.  wow long list ~ how did i miss such a popular song? 

check out this rockin' version from hollywood brats:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vhs7jVJCwu4

[Moonie75]

Thank you Ucme,

I enjoyed that punchy version. My personal favorite is the Dean Martin version.

[UnLuckyLady]

My xuBPDbf asked me to marry him, I said lets wait ( i saw many red flags), a week later he moved to Germany.  I am in New Mexico. US.  I was gutted, he got to start over on a different continent, and I was left with the ghost of my then hero.

Lucky ass... .