How was your ex a blessing in disguise?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Much like yourself I came to realize most of my significant relationships were with people with personality disorders, like NPD or BPD.  Many of them had experienced neglect or abuse, much like myself.  Essentially I've been so comfortable with those relationships because it mirrored the volatile experience I had with my own mom. 

So this most recent experience has helped me to understand what I've been doing wrong in my relationship search.  Looking for love from the wrong people and being shattered when they let me down.  Now I'm loving myself and maintaining my NC streak with my most recent ex.  She has helped me to better understand myself and my relationships.  I'm dating a new girl now and she seems very stable and intelligent.  These lessons will make me a better partner for her or whoever is in my future. 

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Much like yourself I came to realize most of my significant relationships were with people with personality disorders, like NPD or BPD.  Many of them had experienced neglect or abuse, much like myself.  Essentially I've been so comfortable with those relationships because it mirrored the volatile experience I had with my own mom. 

So this most recent experience has helped me to understand what I've been doing wrong in my relationship search.  Looking for love from the wrong people and being shattered when they let me down.  Now I'm loving myself and maintaining my NC streak with my most recent ex.  She has helped me to better understand myself and my relationships.  I'm dating a new girl now and she seems very stable and intelligent.  These lessons will make me a better partner for her or whoever is in my future. 

[Obibens]

My partner didn't rage, she got deadly quiet and with scalpel like accuracy, would let rip one liners that would cut me to the core.   The two that she landed the hardest was that I am hyper sensitive to criticism, and that I have enmeshment issues.     They landed the hardest because they are true.

'ducks

This is soo my situation.  She really rarely rages.  But she can say the most awful things in the sweetest "I'm just trying to help you" voice.   And if you dare try to stick up for yourself, you are just "denying the truth".  I was hypersensitive to criticism.  I've gotten much better with working on it.  But there are a couple of things that just cut me to the core - and she knows it and goes there if she needs a haymaker.

[babyducks]

Blessing: something that helps you or brings happiness.


My ex, Carmel, is a very special person who has something very wrong with her brain.

Her best self taught me wonderful things and brought me all kinds of happiness.

The part of her that was badly damaged taught me a lot too. Like that I had to start living for myself and not others, how I don't know how to talk about my feelings and I really need to learn, that I'm not some super strong perfect person by any means, how important boundaries are, and that I am more important to me than the feeling of being in love.

Stuff like that.

Wow peacebaby

It always strikes me when I read a post that I could have written word for word.  And this is one of them.  You expressed (and vera nicely too)  exactly what I was thinking.

I especially resonated with the "I am not a super strong person by any means".   I remember how blithely, naively, I walked into this relationship thinking yeah there are some problems here but I can handle them.

Yikes was I wrong about that one.   And a couple of others.   

babyducks