I am thinking about her, tell me your bad stories

[Tincup]

Hi, I am having a rough day because I am thinking about my ex and only remembering the good stuff... . please tell me the negative side of your experience so I can remember the bad. Mine was a waif/hermit and very high functioning and smart.

Thanks in advance, I need to remember the bad sides.

[fromheeltoheal]

It helps to make a list of all the unacceptable crap that happened, and review it at times like this.  We've got mixed feelings towards out exes, obviously, if it was all bad we would have left right away.

What would be the first line on your list?

[sadinnc98]

My ex put me through an 18 month roller coaster from hell. Hot... cold... . push... . pull. Constant lies that he could not keep up with. He would "punish me" for things that were trivial and senseless by ignoring me, giving me the silent treatment, texting me mean and nasty things, etc... that I was supposed to just forget about and never question.

Probably the worst thing he ever did was break our engagement.  I believe he asked me impulsively and then quickly changed his mind... . he flew me off to this elaborate weekend and took me a jewelry store and told me to pick out any ring I wanted... he bought it and proposed a few hours later.  A week after he asked me, he messaged me that he was having bad thoughts and then totally shut down and would not speak to me at all.  A week later, broke off the engagement via text message and that was that... hands down worst day of my life. He asked me to meet him in a parking lot at a Walgreens to give the ring back. I gave him the ring back and his lack of emotion during that time was really strange to me... I was crushed and a mess... he was expressionless/detached/distant. He wouldn't look at me, he had zero emotion, just took the ring and zipped off home. I had no idea what in the hell had just happened... I was in complete and total shock and totally heartbroken. He follows up 5 days later asking me if I would consider a "friends with benefits" type relationship... Nice eh?

[Tincup]

First on my list would be a tie between her passive aggressive behavior, and the break ups out of the blue over something minor I did years earlier. For example the last one was over a tshirt that I didn't buy 5 years before (I am not kidding)

[Madison66]

Hey Tincup,

Sorry you are having a rough day.  I was having one yesterday and slowly and surely the cloud lifted.  I too was thinking about the good stuff and my "tricky brain" was stuck on thinking I overreacted to the emotional abuse which turned to physical abuse in the end.  I went back to the 15 typed pages of crud my uBPD/NPD put me through and then added my feelings to it.  That helped a lot.  All I can say is that my situation started to turn physical in the end and I had to think about what I would tell my 15 year old daughter if she said a friend or bf did this stuff to her.  Reach for your true self, the one who knows the behavior of your ex was unacceptable and let the good memories play out in your mind as they need to.  Have a good cry, journal or take a nice walk.  Your life free of this crud is ahead of you! 

[Perfidy]

Hi tincup, sorry you're having a rough time. I know how hard it is to put this kind of grief behind us. It's good that you are attempting not to split the good from the bad and acknowledging that you were attached to a whole person that possess both qualities. A sure sign of healing. I understand also the need to expell the destructive memories from your self and begin the self examination part of healing. I won't go into great detail about the ex and her bad side. Just know that it is there and it is more than I want to deal with anymore. For every hot chick there are guys that are sick of her crap. You just keep on plugging at it and you will eventually end up in a place where it doesn't matter anymore.

[myself]

Start with the breakup and work backwards.

You'll see what lead you there.

Better yet, start with the breakup and move forward.

See how that leads you away from there.

[ShadowDancer]

Hi tincup, sorry you're having a rough time. I know how hard it is to put this kind of grief behind us. It's good that you are attempting not to split the good from the bad and acknowledging that you were attached to a whole person that possess both qualities. A sure sign of healing. I understand also the need to expell the destructive memories from your self and begin the self examination part of healing. I won't go into great detail about the ex and her bad side. Just know that it is there and it is more than I want to deal with anymore. For every hot chick there are guys that are sick of her crap. You just keep on plugging at it and you will eventually end up in a place where it doesn't matter anymore.

Perfidy, you do indeed consistently crack me up. "For every hot chick there are guys that are sick of her crap". No truer words were spoken.

[mgl210]

Some of the many things that were bad that my ex did to me:

-She would always make me feel bad if I said no to something that she wanted

- She would make me feel horrible if I had a difference in opinion about something that she was complaining about her family

-If I tried to stay neutral between her and her parents, I would sometimes get accused of not caring or taking other's side

-She lied to her parents and let them continue to believe that I had thrown her down a flight of stairs after our second breakup, when in reality she had self harmed herself the previous night and didn't want to risk getting kicked out of her grandmother's house

-She would make promises upon promises to help me clean my mom's house(she was staying with me at the time) and every single day nothing would be cleaned except new piles of crap to get thrown out

- She never fully paid me back for a new laptop I bought her, a new pair of glasses, etc

-She would just snap at me for no apparent reason

- She would get mad when I wouldn't initiate physical contact with her, but sometimes when I would she would get all mad at me too

- She would get mad at me if I asked her questions, such as what would she do if her ex fiance(he's married now, recovering heroin and alcoholic) called her up and asked to meet up with her

- She would make plans with me and then cancel on me last minute, and then if I had something come up, I would get yelled at

- She got all mad/upset when I lost a ten dollar ring she bought me, but when she lost the more expensive engagement ring I bought her. She disappeared(the third time) and didn't tell me till after we had gotten back together that was the reason why she left me

-She pops in/out of my life without really explaining to me what the heck is going on.

There's more... . but im starting to cry so I figured I'd stop now while I am ahead...

Good luck buddy

<MG

[santa]

My ex kicked me out of her car 10 miles from anywhere and didn't come back to get me.

[mgl210]

Ouch... . mine tried to kick me and when i grabbed both of her legs while this was happening, she kept threatening to call the cops on me for attempted rape... .

[santa]

My ex pushed me through a 2nd floor window.

[mgl210]

Wow... . I am glad that you are okay though... .

[maxen]

the way mine ended it i simply can't think of any of the good times anymore.

Ouch... . mine tried to kick me and when i grabbed both of her legs while this was happening, she kept threatening to call the cops on me for attempted rape... .

while driving once mine kept trying to stick her finger up my nose and when i swatted her hand away she started crying and said "you said you would never hit me!"

[santa]

the way mine ended it i simply can't think of any of the good times anymore.

Ouch... . mine tried to kick me and when i grabbed both of her legs while this was happening, she kept threatening to call the cops on me for attempted rape... .

while driving once mine kept trying to stick her finger up my nose and when i swatted her hand away she started crying and said "you said you would never hit me!"

LMAO!

This is the most BPD thing I've ever heard. Sums it up perfectly.

[jynx]

Any time I missed him and wanted contact, I would read my saved emails from him, listen to the vm's he left, listen to the tape recorded fights we had, read the text messages.

I had also kept a journal.  I would read that also.

I would remember the last year together.  He had only talked to me 35 days that year, and those days I walked on eggshells trying not to set him off again, then I would remember that most of the good times we had, weren't really good anyway because I was waiting for the ticking bomb to go off.

I would remember how I was afraid to be me !

[DiamondSW]

mY BPDexgf regularly reminded me that "I was only crying because of the previous gf who had breast cancer and died" (young)... .    

The fact that she'd been screaming at me, devaluing me and humiliating me of course was NOT (?) the reason. 

Oh she took me to a conference called 'freedom from fear'... .   didn't really understand that she was the one putting me in fear.  Naturally, my sadness had nothing to do with her raking up the past, using the info i'd confided to her... . and generally scaring the life out of me. 

She'll be at church tomorrow, 2-3 services consecutively.  I could even guess her seat position.  God loves her... .   thankfully.  He can look after her.   

[CoasterRider]

Hi, I am having a rough day because I am thinking about my ex and only remembering the good stuff... . please tell me the negative side of your experience so I can remember the bad. Mine was a waif/hermit and very high functioning and smart.

Thanks in advance, I need to remember the bad sides.

When I walk down memory lane, I think it looks a lot like Main Street like in Mayberry. Filled with Norman Rockwell-Saturday evening post-Esc people and places. But as I look at the trees, the birds, the buildings and the people. I realize I'm not actually in any real town, in walking through a soundstage in Hollywood. The set where my relationship was filmed. To those watching at home it looked real. But to those involved it was simply a production for entertainment. I red from the script he gave me, and he read his lines. The birds? Fake, the trees they best in? Fake. The cars have no engines, and the buildings, walk into one... . it's just a plywood facade.

The minute I went off script and the show became less of a sitcom and more reality TV. They can't handle it. Reality is what they are running from. Reality is painful for them, it's a reminder of all their hurt and trauma. They want to stay in Mayberry where everything is predictable and safe. But that life is not sustainable. At some point the show has to end and people have to go on with real life and deal with the cruel world. But they don't want to budge from I front of the TV they simply change the channel to find another distraction. A distraction from themselves, who they don't know. A distraction from all the pain and trauma they refuse to deal with.

When I ruminate, I just remember I was tired of reading from the fairy tale. I knew we couldn't escape real life for long. Everytime I tried to get him to walk through it with me, live it with me and build a real house on a real street in a real town. Plant real trees to attract real birds. He didn't want to do the work. He defeats himself in his mind and resented me for making him try. It's safer in the fantasy, inside the bubble where they at in control and nothing can hurt them. Problem with their bubble? There is only room for one. No matter how hard you try to fit in there you won't. You'll always be on the outside of it. You are what it's protecting them from. Because you to will hurt them and you to will leave them. Just like all the rest. How can you win out with someone who thinks and feels this way? You can't and no one ever will. It's an effort in futility.

So just remember when on memory lane. Thee were good moments, but was it really what we needed? To be happy? To be supports, Loved and card for the way we deserve. No we weren't because it was never about is. We tried to play reality they wants us to play a character in a show... . When it got real they changed the channel.

 

[CoasterRider]

Sorry for all the typos! I access the site from my phone. Tiny keyboard!

[mgl210]

The incredibly sad thing about it... is that I only told you half of the crap that occured in our relationship... .

[arn131arn]

Hey Tincup,

Sorry you are having a rough day.  I was having one yesterday and slowly and surely the cloud lifted.  I too was thinking about the good stuff and my "tricky brain" was stuck on thinking I overreacted to the emotional abuse which turned to physical abuse in the end.  I went back to the 15 typed pages of crud my uBPD/NPD put me through and then added my feelings to it.  That helped a lot.  All I can say is that my situation started to turn physical in the end and I had to think about what I would tell my 15 year old daughter if she said a friend or bf did this stuff to her.  Reach for your true self, the one who knows the behavior of your ex was unacceptable and let the good memories play out in your mind as they need to.  Have a good cry, journal or take a nice walk.  Your life free of this crud is ahead of you! 

I love when you have a certain feeling for a while, and you can come to these boards and someone has had the same exact feelings.  After 14 years of silent treatments, push/pull, manipulations, dysregulation, shut down of speech when trying to talk about issues that present a problem in the RS, I began to think that saying it louder or yelling, or getting angry (fear of abandonment again), would get her to open up to me more, that she would see I TRULY cared, but nothing worked.  I think, the truth is, I checked out long ago.

This is validation for me.  Thanks, Madison.

[Pearl55]

My ex once dropped couple of oranges on the kitchen floor and started playing with them and when I was still shocked looking at him he started strangling me and kept asking me to tell him I'm the crazy one!

[jynx]

My ex once dropped couple of oranges on the kitchen floor and started playing with them and when I was still shocked looking at him he started strangling me and kept asking me to tell him I'm the crazy one!

oh Pearl, I know it wasn't funny then, but the way you worded that, wow.

Speaking of kitchen floors.  I washed the kitchen floor one day while my ex was at work.  He of course came home 2 hours late, I already put dinner away, he walked in, I just glanced at the clock.  Didn't say a word.  He then began raging at me because the floor was so clean, you could eat off of it.  He said that I loved the kitchen floor more then I loved him.  I never washed that kitchen floor again.   

[maxen]

speaking of kitchen floors, my w once broke some glass in the kitchen and left some bits on the floor. i discovered this when i walked into the kitchen barefoot, as one might do in one's own house, and cut my feet on it, leaving a nice trail of blood. she said she forgot to tell me. i assured her that there's no problem with breaking a thing, god knows i've done it, but please just tell me next time. two months later ... my w broke some glass in the kitchen and left some bits on the floor. i discovered this when i walked into the kitchen barefoot, as one might do in one's own house, and cut my feet on it, leaving a nice trail of blood. she said she forgot to tell me.

[ShadowDancer]

As she and I were breakfasting in town to discuss "us"... . she had her meth head ex (are they ever?) rob my house... . over $30,000.00 in losses on that one. She left town immediately. I suppose she knew all along what my answer to the "us" question was as hers was a well planned mission of... . revenge? I heard later the meth head ex double crossed her and shorted her on fair payout. Then about three months later she sent me a text... . "I still love you and miss you". I figure the money ran out.

I changed ALL my contact information.

Little Criminal!

[Dog biscuit]

When I ruminate, I just remember I was tired of reading from the fairy tale. I knew we couldn't escape real life for long. Everytime I tried to get him to walk through it with me, live it with me and build a real house on a real street in a real town. Plant real trees to attract real birds. He didn't want to do the work. He defeats himself in his mind and resented me for making him try. It's safer in the fantasy, inside the bubble where they at in control and nothing can hurt them. Problem with their bubble? There is only room for one. No matter how hard you try to fit in there you won't. You'll always be on the outside of it. You are what it's protecting them from. Because you to will hurt them and you to will leave them. Just like all the rest. How can you win out with someone who thinks and feels this way? You can't and no one ever will. It's an effort in futility.

So just remember when on memory lane. Thee were good moments, but was it really what we needed? To be happy? To be supports, Loved and card for the way we deserve. No we weren't because it was never about is. We tried to play reality they wants us to play a character in a show... . When it got real they changed the channel.

 

This! Exactly this!

I felt like a character in a fantasy play, and whenever I wanted to make it real there was sabotage from him. Creating drama, chaos and death around him.

My ex made me an unknowing participant in the suicide of his ex gf, by flirting with me openly, and for her to see and witness,  while they were still togheter. I didnt know, he told me they were seperated  for months ( in good agrement) while he was still in a relationship with her, that he broke of the day we had our first date. On our first date she commited siucide. It is horrible!

[janey62]

The oddest thing, and one that sticks in my mind because I really can't deny its totally freaky oddness is this:

My son, (18 at the time) fell of a 5m roof while working with his father in the summer holidays.  I had a text from him saying, ':)on't worry mum but I fell off a roof and they think I've fractured my spine.  I'm at the hospital having x-rays'.

The hospital was in the same town where my uBPDbf lived and he arranged to meet me there.  I found my son, who did have a fractured spine, and was panic stricken and upset as you can imagine.  We had to wait around, my son strapped to a bed so he couldn't move, and wait for more x-ray results.

I wondered what was keeping bf and then got a text to say he was out in the corridor as he couldn't just walk into the children's ward.

I went out and found him sat on a bench, he was sobbing.  I asked him what was wrong and he told me that this was the first time he'd been in that hospital since his step father died there 3 years ago! He was drunk.

I was so shocked... . later he accused me of being selfish and not supportive enough of his feelings in that moment.  city!

[janey62]

Though, I think your story beats mine Dog biscuit!  That sounds truly horrific for you 

Was that at the beginning of your r/s? 

Janey xx

[Dog biscuit]

Yes, unfortunatly it was... . :-(

I had to put the pieces togheter, but during the r/s the " truth" was well hidden. When I asked him directly it got me nowhere. He gave me various explanations and dates about how and when their r/s ended, only to find out that they were still a couple when he and I started flirting openly on social media. It must have been so hard on her... .

The irony is that I am always really cautious to get involved with someone who is freshly out of a r/s.

If I would have known I wouldnt have gotten involved with him in the first place. I strongly believe someone has to be alone for a while before starting another r/s.

I didnt know, and there was no way I could have.known.

[Tincup]

JYNX-You said that your ex said "you love the kitchen floor more than you loved me". 

someone please explain this type of statement to me?  I got these ALL the time, and they drove me crazy.  I could never defend any of these statements.  The last one I got was that I loved money more than I loved her (over some silly thing I said days before).  I mean I have seen people joke about you love something more than me... but she was serious.  I could really see my ex saying that about the floors... . and worse I could hear myself "trying" to defend myself over it.  No dear I love you much more than the floors! but she would be SERIOUS.  Please explain this type of statement to me!