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Author Topic: Is it wrong to be mad at the fact that my exBPDgf has already slept with someone  (Read 567 times)
Pinoypride18
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« on: February 05, 2014, 09:08:54 PM »

We were together for 3.5 years, last month my exBPDgf broke up with me then less than 2 weeks later she is already sleeping with someone else and is exclusive with them.

I know this is how some people cope with a loss and that she is now my ex and i have no say in what she does with her body. But she is making it seem like im the weird one getting offended because she has slept with someone so fast and is in a no strings attached relationship.

Do i have a right to be hurt and offended that she is sleeping with someone else so quickly?

BPD or non is this something most women do or do i have a right to be upset?

because i thought i meant something to her, at least enough where i thought she wouldn't rush into anything like that. but it hurts that she is quickly trying to forget and replace me. and for the lack of a better word, i think this is slutty because it looks like that is all she wants or ever wanted, to have sex.
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Moonie75
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« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2014, 09:17:06 PM »

Mate I'm really sorry you're going through this pain & upset. I remember all too well how I felt first time my ex & I split and she slept with someone. (Believe it or not after a few break ups I got used to facing it. How sick is that!).

I did find your post a little confusing though. You say she's exclusive to her new partner. And next paragraph say that she's slept with him in a no strings deal. That's NOT exclusive with him, hence the no strings description!

Is she telling others it's exclusive, and you that it's no strings?
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« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2014, 09:25:10 PM »

We were together for 3.5 years, last month my exBPDgf broke up with me then less than 2 weeks later she is already sleeping with someone else and is exclusive with them.

I know this is how some people cope with a loss and that she is now my ex and i have no say in what she does with her body. But she is making it seem like im the weird one getting offended because she has slept with someone so fast and is in a no strings attached relationship.

Do i have a right to be hurt and offended that she is sleeping with someone else so quickly?

BPD or non is this something most women do or do i have a right to be upset?

because i thought i meant something to her, at least enough where i thought she wouldn't rush into anything like that. but it hurts that she is quickly trying to forget and replace me. and for the lack of a better word, i think this is slutty because it looks like that is all she wants or ever wanted, to have sex.

Moonie, I was under the impression that he meant Pino and she were in a N S A RS.  But I guess we will wait for the OP to clarify.

I don't think you are wrong, Pino, for feeling this way about the situation.  My ex did it 6 days after the breakup.  I too was heartbroken.  Coming out of the FOG I realized she had probably been doing it all along, bro.

I don't believe that normal healthy women do this at all.  So, think about this feeling when she calls again in 6 monoths.  Never forget the way you feel at this moment right now, it will only make you stronger, bro.

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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2014, 09:26:12 PM »

You have a right to all of your emotions, and insisting on that right is part of taking your power back; she no longer gets to tell you how you feel.
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Pinoypride18
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« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2014, 09:28:36 PM »

im not actually sure what their relationship is, im getting this from other people. but from what i hear they are exclusive in the sense that they will only be sleeping with each other (i think) yet they have no strings attached because in less than 2 months she will be leaving after graduation. so i guess after graduation they have no ties to each other. Im guessing it is like a friends with benefits things.

im just hurt that she would do that right after a long term break up and act like it is not slutty. yes i know she has a right to do whatever. but is this type of this normal and i shouldn't be mad or is this shallow and desperate and in a way used to hurt me?
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« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2014, 09:32:43 PM »

Pino,

I think you have the right to feel angry, sad, hurt, broken.  All of these feelings are normal.  I went through them these past holidays. 

It is very normal.  My exBPD fiancee moved on a week after the breakup of 14 years.

You need to go complete NC get yourself stronger so you can begin to detach and heal.

Arn
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Tausk
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« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2014, 09:37:07 PM »

Oh PP.  I'm so sorry for your pain.  My first ex wBPD slept with someone two weeks after we "took a break."  It almost killed me inside.  All my ex could say to me was, "I don't know why you care.  We're apart.  I've moved on.  Why can't you?"

My most recent ex wBPD had a cheating back up all ready for the weekend after we broke up.  And I am at times still so mad that I dream about revenge and fantasize about seeing their names in the paper after a murder/suicide.

But then I calm down a bit.

But bottom line... . YES YOU SHOULD BE MAD AS HELL, AND YOU SHOUDN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE.

Be angry. Be sad.  Be confused.  Be in as much pain as you can handle.  Be scared.  Be in denial. ... .

The emotions are neither good nor bad.  They just are.  But how we respond to our emotions is what counts.  

And number one:  



Respond by being safe.  


Don't respond in anyway that could cause harm to you, your ex, her new focus of attraction... . Do no harm.   Be thoughtful and mindful in all responses.

Call friends, family, see a counselor, stay on the board and vent.  Vent your anger here. We understand.  We will validate you.  Your emotions in this case are what a "normal" person feels.  Our exes just have us so in the FOG, that we don't even understand what feelings are healthy for us.

In time, you will feel better, just like I did.  Learning to understand the Disorder helps. It's not personal.  Her actions are not to discard you, but to flee to another, because if she does not find another person, she literally believes that she will cease to exist.  

Keep writing and posting.  You're not alone.  We've all gone through our own pain here.  Your pain is unique, but the patters are similar, and therefore the productive responses are available to you.  you have the right to feel hope.

And if you need, I'm in a pretty good place today, so you are welcome to give me some of your pain, fear and confusion right now.  I can shoulder it with you.  Seriously, just give some to me.  One day, you'll take some from someone else.

In support,

T
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2014, 09:41:24 PM »

Some people have rebound relationships, some people with attachment disorders find replacement attachments, some people take time and heal; same thing, different priorities.  Everyone deals with breakups differently, and the most important thing is feel what you're feeling all the way, and if it's really over with her, start shifting the focus to you and your future.
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Perfidy
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« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2014, 09:43:32 PM »

P I agree with heel2heal. You need to feel your emotions and work through your anger and any other feelings you have. It's normal for you to still feel attachment to your x. Healing from bad relationships takes time and the process is standard for many of us. It takes time for us to accept and align our feelings with reality. When you stop caring who your x is sleeping with and being concerned with her relationships no matter how deep or shallow they are, you will be closer to the truth. I'm going to tell you the truth. It's none of your business any more. You shouldn't be angry because its not meant personally toward you. Now, that being said you have the business of your happiness. Your own personal happiness is much more gratifying than concerning your self with hers.
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Take2
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« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2014, 09:47:50 PM »

I think you have every right to be hurt and angry... . whether it's your business or not... .

When you love someone so deeply and truly give it everything you've got... . to just be discarded after tremendous abuse ... . and know the ex is already with someone new... . it's brutal... .

I understand it... . I'm living it... . and the Ass texted me from his date tonight to tell me he loves me but is still mad at me... .


Seriously ... . who does that... .
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Perfidy
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« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2014, 09:51:35 PM »

Take2... . That is someone you shouldn't care about. For you. Takes time. I'm aware.
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ShadowDancer
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« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2014, 09:57:36 PM »

Well... . yes and no. At the start of my sojourn behind the looking glass the PD slept with me on the first date. And it was wild and XXX crazy... . like we had previously and intimately knew each other, which we actually did not. It was love bomb and sexo deluxe and I was easy pickings. My point is to get THAT kind of sex on the first date illustrates her (and my own) total lack of boundaries and impulse control, which by the way are absolute hallmarks of PD social interaction.

After the inevitable ending of the relationship, by my decision it should be noted, I had a chance opportunity to meet her ex husband. He was a warm and humorous man with a very nice and pleasant spouse on his arm. He smiled readily at me and said... . "Well you didn't last long... . you must be smarter than most" and gave me a pat on the back in a brotherly way. When I asked him "so why did you part with her after being with her as  long as you were?" he simply responded with "she couldn't keep her pants on". I smiled and said "yeah that would be about right". End of conversation.

It is now my experience and knowledge that this is what she and many Pd's do. It is plain and simply all about her personal survival strategy. It has NOTHING to do with me or you. Be shocked... . be offended... .  as I am, but don't take it personally. PD's are emotionally unstable from the get go. Their whole lives and string of loves become like a perpetual new car test drive. You are certainly not her first and for sure the new guy is not her last. New year... . new model.

It has nothing to do with you.

P.S. When she returns for her customary (I guarantee) recycle in six months time and you are not ready to "forgive" her and accept her insane "reasons"... . be ready to hear what a sack of crap you are and were and will forever be.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #12 on: February 05, 2014, 10:02:54 PM »

The best thing we can do is not question whether or not we have a right to feel; emotions just are, and they are never wrong.  The worst thing we can do is judge them, the best thing we can do is feel them, they will run their course, and we will evolve.  And in time we can learn to manage them, change them, choose them.
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Pinoypride18
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« Reply #13 on: February 05, 2014, 10:03:18 PM »

Perfidy you are absolutely right, i really shouldn't concern myself with her, who she sleeps with, or how she deals with the breakup. I guess i took it personally when she said she did not want a relationship yet went exclusive with someone else. But it is over and from what i have been reading on these boards is i should be happy that it is over.

and it may be wrong but im trying to convince myself that she is just a slut and she will continue to have bad relationships and that she brings it upon herself.

im just trying to move on but those thoughts still enter my head and they disgust me, she disgusts me and i can't believe i thought i was in love with her. when clearly i was in love with what she wanted me to believe she was
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In_n_Out
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« Reply #14 on: February 05, 2014, 10:06:18 PM »

Yup, throw my dBPDxgf in the list of those that was with a new guy within 2 weeks of her walking out on me (not even a formal breakup).  Chances are, my ex had been reeling that fish in for some time and probably had already had some goings on with him even before she walked.  Same may be said for yours. Sadly, welcome to the cycle.  You'll go through anger and then the hurt and then the sadness and then you'll want to find out everything that you can about BPD and then you'll think that you alone can "fix" her and then sooner or later your mind will begin to overrule your heart and you'll go back to just being angry and will be done with it... . except that your heart will keep throwing up thoughts of the "good times" and try to play tricks with your mind.  Listen to your mind and go NC and start working on yourself and distancing from her as best that you can.  Trust me on this one.
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myself
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« Reply #15 on: February 05, 2014, 10:07:37 PM »

I agree, feel your feelings. That's who you are. That's you, alive.

Our exes have the right to feel theirs, too.

It's not up to us if what they're doing is right or wrong.

There have been times when mine have lead me astray. I've made bad or rushed decisions because of what I was feeling, or not wanting to feel.

I feel it's going to be different now.

I decided. It is.
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Moonie75
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« Reply #16 on: February 05, 2014, 10:17:08 PM »

and it may be wrong but im trying to convince myself that she is just a slut and she will continue to have bad relationships and that she brings it upon herself.

im just trying to move on but those thoughts still enter my head and they disgust me, she disgusts me and i can't believe i thought i was in love with her. when clearly i was in love with what she wanted me to believe she was

For a newbie you're learning pretty quick, man!

But try not to think of your ex a slut. That's putting yourself down as much as her. She's mentally ill and her behavior is a survival method developed to cope with living that illness. That's why you must try hard not to take it personally.

Be angry. But be civilized & dignified in your anger. Let yourself feel all the anger you need to get out. But don't short change yourself on how good a person you are!
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PhoenixRising15
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« Reply #17 on: February 05, 2014, 10:31:26 PM »

Pinoy,

I'm glad I logged on tonight.  I got  to a new place in my healing and your post struck a chord.

Feelings are neither good nor bad.  There is no should.  No one was able to tell me this, I had to figure it out on my own. 

Daisy's feelings and actions are her own. Mine are MINE.  I own them.  I take responsibility for them, and I HONOR them.  Each and every one.  Anger, sadness, joy, guilt, shame.  All of them.

As I moused down quickly to reply, I saw many shoulds and questions.  I hear that this is the place you are in now. 

I invite you to own whatever feelings you are having and I bless you for having the courage to question stepping into them.  It took me a long time.

Be well.

QF

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Perfidy
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« Reply #18 on: February 05, 2014, 10:32:16 PM »

P you are exactly where you need to be with the breakup. It gets better. I experienced everything that you have described so far. I'm a little further along. I know how hard it is, but you will get to a place where you are happier and your life is easier. It is a process and it takes time. Bottom line... . You are working through it, that's healthy. It only becomes unhealthy if you get stuck in any part of the process. A good counselor can guide you but it is up to you how long it takes. Everyone is different. I stayed stuck in a couple places and the misery was a motivator for me to grow.
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santa
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« Reply #19 on: February 05, 2014, 10:57:50 PM »

You have a right to be mad about anything you want to be mad about. She doesn't owe you an explanation because you aren't in a relationship. You can be upset all you want though.
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buddy1226
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« Reply #20 on: February 05, 2014, 11:21:39 PM »

Damn, we all have the same stories. Mine slept with someone two weeks after we separated and it still kills me. I think about it every day. When I'm missing her the thought of that brings it into focus. I hate her. I loved her with everything I had and she treated me like crap. She is misserable now and at an all time low as a result of splitting like sher did. I'm glad and hope she never draws another sober breath or has a moments peace. I know that sounds awful but that is where I am right now. At least I'm on the board with it and not stiring the pot by doing god knows what...

We reap what we sow and they get what they deserve as we all do.
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« Reply #21 on: February 05, 2014, 11:22:33 PM »

I think you have every right to be hurt and angry... . whether it's your business or not... .

When you love someone so deeply and truly give it everything you've got... . to just be discarded after tremendous abuse ... . and know the ex is already with someone new... . it's brutal... .

I understand it... . I'm living it... . and the Ass texted me from his date tonight to tell me he loves me but is still mad at me... .


Seriously ... . who does that... .

An empty person, that's who. And that will never change no matter whom they're with. Never.
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ShakinMyHead
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« Reply #22 on: February 05, 2014, 11:39:09 PM »

Pino, I'm so sorry you are going through this. The answer to your question is unequivocally NO! A normal, healthy enough, woman, who has just gone through a break up, even if she was the breaker upper, is not going to want to jump into bed with someone else, unless there is seriously something wrong with her, and or the relationship was going on prior to the break up? Question, "Is it possible that they never attach like us in the first place?" I don't remember thinking my exBPDbf was going to be the answer to everything?  I am 1 month NC, that I was forced to initiate, and must hold to if I have any pride at all, by the hairs on my chinny chin chin, and skin on my teeth. I am white knuckling it. Have resisted 5 pathetic fishing attempts at contact over the month of NC from him. But even so, I am heart broken, and going through withdrawal, and the very last thing on my mind is having the hands of another man on me. I have object constancy, and as a co-dependent, probably to a fault. All I want to do is practice self care, and be gentle with myself. I allowed him to hurt me, and to jump right to another romantic connection implies the shallowness of their attachment. I hold onto him way past his expiration, and he's so empty that he fall's victim to whatever is in front of him at that moment. It would feel to me like an assault on my body to be touched by another man. I feel like I'm grieving. I don't know if they even feel their bodies? They are very ego based, they feel alive being paid attention to, being seen makes them feel alive. If no one's looking they don't know they exist. Sex is often a tool, a means to an end to not be alone. It's such a painful death dance…Just be lucky you are watching it in your rearview mirror, getting smaller and smaller. Without extraordinary work, the nightmare is never ending for them…... There are good woman out there, that would never ever hurt you the way she has. Hold out.   SMH
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Perfidy
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« Reply #23 on: February 06, 2014, 01:08:44 AM »

It's about you now. No one else. Embrace yourself .love your self.
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Perfidy
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« Reply #24 on: February 06, 2014, 01:09:39 AM »

It pays off. Evil exists.
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Pinoypride18
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« Reply #25 on: February 06, 2014, 03:10:13 AM »

@buddy1226 i get you man. i hate how you can love someone so much, go through all the hard times, and yet they can disregard all of that and hate you for something small. she made the whole r/s look weak and and easily breakable. i was with her through her hard times and now some douche is reaping the benefits. but i get you man i wish my ex is miserable also, that she feels guilty for what she did. but i know because she is BPD that she will never feel sorry or remorse for what she did. i find solace in that she is missing out on me, probably the best guy she has been with (i was the longest r/s) and that all her next relationships will all end in the same way.

@ShakinMyHead it is interesting how this all can happen with a opposite sex BPD as mine. it is just i am use to a women BPD doing this to me. It is weird how no matter what sex a BPD will still act similarly. i am astonished at how they can be so empty and use people like tools. and what you asked "Is it possible that they never attach like us in the first place?"

i don't think they went into the relationship the same way the non did. for me the non i was going into the relationship for something long term, willing to do what it takes to make it work. but it seemed for my BPDex that was in it just to not to alone or single until she finds the one person she would rather be with. i could tell she never really was 100% with me yet she kept me around, to hold onto me before the next person. and that is what i felt in the breakup. before the breakup i could tell she was not into me as much, then after the breakup she is with someone else. i hate her for that.

but thanks all for the advice, im trying not to understand my BPDex, i never will. but she is who she is and i could never change that. and it was going this hard now it would have gotten worse. so as much as i miss her because i thought she was special i also hate her.

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« Reply #26 on: February 06, 2014, 04:39:23 AM »

You have a right to be upset and no, not all women behave that way. The longest my ex and I had been broken up was last year for 5 months. It took me three months into that to even go on a date with someone. The last time I saw my ex during this last and final break up was on Xmas Eve. I still can't imagine trying to form a relationship with someone right now and it's been a month and a half.
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« Reply #27 on: February 06, 2014, 04:58:44 AM »

P - I know it's impossible not to take this personally, I know I have in the past with my ex husband. He also had no problems sticking it to another woman as soon as we separated. Maybe even before that, who knows.

I however, have been practically celibate the last nine months!

What I have come to accept is that I am NOT a good judge of character. My exhusband did some horrible things to me and I still loved him. The only reason I got him out of our lives was because it was affecting my children. That I would not stand for. They did not ask for his rage and violence to be  brought into our home... . that was my fault. And I fixed it. I divorced him.

Now as to you... and what you do next... . it's time to heal my friend. This type of break up is very painful, it made me doubt my very existence on this planet. It made me so horribly depressed I almost lost my life. Literally. But it was that misery that motivated me to change, and what has brought new love into my life.

If you can, try to talk back to that negative voice in your head... give it hell. What has happened to you is wrong, she is awful... . you are worth so much more. Go talk to a T if you feel the need, just get some support.

We are here, we've been through this, and you can lean on us.

Hugs,

L
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