Silent treatment after breaking up and no closure or goodbye

[Espy]

Today was not a good day.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about the ex, and even went so far as to start an email to him but I stopped myself and decided to post here instead.  I realized he has both NPD traits as well as BPD traits... . I've had NC for two weeks, so that's been good, but today I just wanted to email him " one last time" to see if he would grow a heart and respond... . give me some indication that I mattered to him.  It's been 7 weeks and I haven't heard a word. 

I know this is my own insecurity rearing it's ugly head, feeling I need closure... . Sigh... . If anyone has words if encouragement or if after reading my post you think the email is a good idea, let me know. 

[LettingGo14]

Today was not a good day.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about the ex, and even went so far as to start an email to him but I stopped myself and decided to post here instead.  I realized he has both NPD traits as well as BPD traits... . I've had NC for two weeks, so that's been good, but today I just wanted to email him " one last time" to see if he would grow a heart and respond... . give me some indication that I mattered to him.  It's been 7 weeks and I haven't heard a word. 

I know this is my own insecurity rearing it's ugly head, feeling I need closure... . Sigh... . If anyone has words if encouragement or if after reading my post you think the email is a good idea, let me know. 

Hello Espy,

On another post today, I mentioned that I estimate I spent 1,500 days with my xBPDgf (over 4 years).    I spent about 600 of those days (or 40%) in the agony of silent treatment.  I probably wrote her (to no response) on 250 of those days.   It made me feel worse, not better.

I don't think we get closure from our xBPD partner, no matter how much we want it, and no matter how much we need it, and no matter if they reply or not.

I have been on this board one week, and it's the first week of real breathing I have done in four years.  I'm going to get closure here, with this community. 

I hope you can too.   

JT

[love4meNOTu]

No sweetie, the email is not a good idea.

I did it myself, and was the recipent of the most cruel abuse. The only good thing derived from it was the absolute knowing that this person did not love me.

Never did.

Nothing you say, nothing you do, not even your heart laid bare in front of them will make any difference in the end. It's over, and we cannot stop it from happening. It is a mental disorder.

Time to put on my big girl panties and get on with my life.

I'm sorry you are hurting, I've been there, it will get better I promise.

L

[buddy1226]

They get off on it. I've done it tons of times to no reply. It makes us worse off. Angry in my case and I have then vented with yet another blasting her. I call it starving the rabbit because mine did that to a pet rabbit when she was a little girl. That;s what she thinks she is doing to me.

Flip the script on him. I hate having to live like this and I don't understand either. Why would thy not just chose to be happy. My ex and I were good together, when we were good. But it was mostly bad and it was a kind of bad I never knew existed.  And to think back that this was from someone I adored and said I was the love of her life.

We will never make sense of it. It is a disorder and this is how it manifests. All w can do is accept, heal and move on. I'm sorry, dear. I know how you feel.

[Espy]

JT it's amazing to me that you calculated how many days your ex went silent.  Did she ever say things like she was testing you or that your silence would have consequences?  JT, did you not receive closure from your ex?  Did she completely disappear?  I don't know if my ex was clinically diagnosed, but I do know he was in therapy for divorce and his father leaving him at a young age.  The only reason I found these boards is because I googled things he had said and done, and pieced my way to this site.  I think deep down I'm scared I might just have been super needy and scared him away with my request for him to call me more once he started acting distant, but then I read article after article where I see his characteristics... . he was SO GOOD at hiding it... . I had no idea what was going on until towards the end where he started to unravel, get distant, and shut down.  Then he disappeared... which I understand is very much a Narcissistic trait because Borderlines generally return.

Lovenotforme, do you mind if I ask what he said back?  I didn't write him an email tonight.  I read your post and it made me wonder what you and JT meant by not getting closure, no matter if they reply or not.  Honestly the silence is what hurt the most... I think I could get over someone being upfront with me and saying "it's just not going to work out", but the complete disappearance from one day to the next, especially when he was calling me " the future Mrs. His last name" is gut wrenching.  Weird thing I remember is before he shut down completely I texted him and said "it would have been a nice wedding", and he texted back "it will STILL be a great wedding"... . considering he hadn't called me in a week at that time that seemed like really weird behavior like someone living in a fantasy world.

Buddy, yeah my ex and I were going to conquer the world, or so it felt like it.  I only knew him eight months but we were already planning long term.  He would call me " the One" all the time.  To think he may ( from what I read here) have never loved me... .

It just makes no sense, especially because he was so highly functional and top of his field... .   Buddy you say you would send an email, to no reply... . was there an eventual reply?  Like I said my ex hasn't responded to ANYTHING I've sent which makes me think ( from what I've read, that he is Narcissistic as well as some Borderline tendencies, since BPDs come back.  Buddy what do you mean by flip the script on him? 

[Espy]

I don't know what's worse- being completely ignored and I'm thinking he will never come back, especially since I texted him about being a coward and not being a man or an adult about out breakup because he disappeared, or would it be better if he did come back, then leave then come back like I see with so many other posters... . I just wish I knew if he really had this mental illness, or if it's all in MY head. : .      I just don't see any other logic behind someone who disappears... .   I mean I've dated for years and even in the most awkward of breakups, there was always some polite niceties and closure... . a sense if civility... . even if it was via phone or text... . this has just been so odd... . and definitely has made me feel like I'm the one who's losing it.

Thanks to all for posting.  You have all been amazingly insightful!

[BookFace]

Without reading any of the latter posts here, my ex who I suspect has BPD or traits cut me off completely.

She painted me out to be controlling and generally a bad person so with the courage from her friends, she asked me to leave and that was that. Cold, no emotion. Done.

If I text her it takes 2 hours to get a reply, when I know that she is attached to her phone. She purposely does it to torture. Best way of overcoming this? No contact. I'm 8 weeks after the break up and no contact has been about a week. It's tough as we have a child involved, but it's helping me to get through this tough time. I'm sure she will one day wonder where I've gone, whether she contacts me is unknown but she'll definitely be wondering.

It's been pretty frustrating not having answers too. Well, I had some reason (she was happier alone and needed to focus on our child - 2 weeks later she has met someone else and had a cosy valentines evening with him!). I believe my ex loved seeing me beg and be vulnerable to her, which has pretty much always happened when she has kicked me to the curb. The only thing to do now is show her I am strong.

If your partner ever does come back, I'd definitely put forward your concerns of him possibly having BPD. This is my plan. Even if I can't see a way back with her, I think she needs to know.

[love4meNOTu]

Espy - I reached out to him once, after we had been divorced for a couple of weeks. I asked for closure.

He basically told me he was in love with and belonged to someone else now, and that if I needed closure just to refer to his previous emails in which he told me I was disrespecting him. What he meant by disrespecting was disobeying. I didn't do what I was told to do. Which was to give up being me, and everything that was important to being me. You see, in order to be married to him he felt that he had to be in control of everything, otherwise the world is too threatening of a place for him to exist.

There is nothing anyone can do to help him. He is afraid of everything and everyone, and it comes out of him as anger. He is a frightening person at times. I lost all respect for him when he attacked me in front of my children. And I knew I had to go, I couldn't have him influence their lives, or mine any longer. Two years was the length of time we were together, we married six months in. I knew he had problems, and was jealous and insecure, but I had no idea how deep that pathology ran. I thought I could love him well. In fact, he became much worse over time. The more I devoted myself to him, the worse and more controlling he became. But, I finally saw the light when he scared me so much I began to be afraid to come home from work in the evenings, and my children would stay in their rooms when they were with me. I almost lost everything.

I have me back now, and my kids and I are closer than ever. Sure, it's lonely sometimes, but I have faith and hope that love will return to me again someday. Never know what will happen, life is long and I have a lot to look forward to. I'm a different person now because of what I've been through. I respect myself more and I understand human behavior in a way I never thought I would. Plus, I know what is best for me is best for me, no matter what anyone says to the contrary.

blessings,

L

[Findingmysong723]

I'm a different person now because of what I've been through. I respect myself more and I understand human behavior in a way I never thought I would. Plus, I know what is best for me is best for me, no matter what anyone says to the contrary.

blessings,

L

Made me ! Wishing that for all of us!

[ShadowDancer]

I'm a different person now because of what I've been through. I respect myself more and I understand human behavior in a way I never thought I would. Plus, I know what is best for me is best for me, no matter what anyone says to the contrary.

blessings,

L

Made me ! Wishing that for all of us!

It will happen. We all have our tolerance levels and thresholds for B.S... It's about finding where yours is.

[Espy]

Thank you for sharing your stories with me Bookface and Love4menotU.

It was not a good day today.  I emailed him  :'( and of course I didn't hear anything back.  I probably never, ever will.

From what I've read here, I probably dodged a bullet.  He's doing me a favor (although it does NOT feel like it).  He had BPD tendencies but I think he is probably very Narcissistic as well, hence the no contact at all.  Who DISAPPEARS like this?  Just someone extremely, extremely cruel. 

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry, Espy.  I know it hurts so much to have someone we love shut us out and pretend we don't even exist.  It's incredibly cruel.  Some even think it's abusive.  I'm inclined to agree.

I am in the same boat as you - no contact at all with my ex.  I tried reaching out twice already and have received nothing in return.  I won't do so a third time.  She knows how to reach me if she wants to, but I don't expect that she ever will.  I have been working on preparing myself for that eventuality and I think I am starting to accept it.  I will never hear from her again.  Not in all of eternity.

Now, I am working on myself.  I am learning that there is life beyond my ex.  There have even been a few flickers of joy.   I will emerge from this journey through the underworld as a stronger and wiser man.  This is a needed journey - a journey of self discovery.

I encourage you to also let go of your ex.  Let him go.  Expect that you will never hear from him again.  There really is life after him, though.  And aren't you excited to see what wondrous things that future holds?

[buddy1226]

Not that this is about game at all but flip the script on his ass and watch what happens. In the meantime stay on here with us and post and get well. I know this is hard. it's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with but we are dealing with a disorder. By definition it does not make sense hence dis-order.

Hang in there. Do this a day at a time. We are all going to be alright.

[Espy]

As I sit here wiping tears away I thank you guys for your post.    It IS one if the hardest things I've ever dealt with.  Cosmonaut sorry to hear you are in the same boat.  It really is abusive... . you are strong to say "I'm done" and realize you have to work on you.  I KNOW that's the answer to this but I can't stop my thoughts most if the times.  I know I'm still obsessing and I'm so tired of it... .   Buddy I was NC for almost 3 weeks and thought about the email 3 days before sending it.  It wasn't a long email just a " why did you go silent, are you ok, can we just be civil and say goodbye".  I caved and sent it thinking maybe he'd be an adult and would have calmed down after a few weeks and said a proper goodbye.  What was I thinking.  Dis-order is right... . :'(

[buddy1226]

I know, espy. I did the same thing last week and got the same results. I wish I had not. They feed on it. It's unbelievably difficult to know that someone that I shared so much of my life with can do all that she has. But it's reality. I hurt all day, every day. I just have to trust that it gets better like everyone on here says it will. I'm so sorry. I hurt for you. Hugs.

[BookFace]

I had to call my ex yesterday in regards to our child. She didn't reply to my texts but funnily enough answered my call and spoke to me for 40 minutes, mainly about my failings during the relatiinship - of course!

As bad as it may seem now Espy, NC is the only way. The more you contact your ex, the more it will hurt and the more they will probably enjoy it!

I've gone NC or limited contact and she has tried to contact me for trivial matters which haven't needed my response.  She has still turned it into a question though just to know that I'm still here. I also feel like she likes to have the last say and loves to leave my messages unanswered, sort of as though she's in control. I'm not sure whether thats a BPD trait or just poor human nature.

[Espy]

Buddy, did you send an email and get no response?

So I guess the lesson here is my ex is not the person I fell in love with.  He's mean, and apparently is still holding a grudge or angry or crazy... . I learned that he is someone who acts like a coward and could never be man enough for me.  These are good realizations.

[letmeout]

One thing I've learned about borderlines is that they do hold a grudge forever. I think its because they can never let go of their distorted memories.

[buddy1226]

Yes I did send an email and got no response. The times I have talked to her it has been weird. She is a different person. Talks different, acts different, everything. Even looks different. All have gone downhill. It's super frustrating because I am trying to reach the person I used to connect with and they are no longer there. Strangest thing I've ever seen.

I also think some of it is intended to punish. Being a different person and allowing no connection is torterous and they know that. It may have been part of the plan all along. I've seen her do it to another ex. Completely painted black. It hurts like hell but they are sick as hell. We have to remember that. There is no winning here. We simply have to walk away. That is the absolute hardest thing for me. 

[love2give]

It really is very difficult.  Its been over a month and a half for me and I could never go past four days without sending her a loving message asking for her to call me and talk.  NOTHING.

Totally not the person I knew during out relationship.  Today is day 7 NC.  Longest I have gone.  Well it will be a full 7 days if I can hold off till tonight.

Temptation to message her is strong but what I have learned here is that the result will be the same, no response and more pain to me so I will fight it off.

It truly is an addiction.  I do miss the woman I knew though.

[Calm Waters]

its been a year of NC for me and i still think about her every day, the yearning isn't as bad I can control my thoughts now but it takes practice. NC is the only way I believe painful though it is.

[Invictus69]

It really is very difficult.  Its been over a month and a half for me and I could never go past four days without sending her a loving message asking for her to call me and talk.  NOTHING.

Totally not the person I knew during out relationship.  Today is day 7 NC.  Longest I have gone.  Well it will be a full 7 days if I can hold off till tonight.

Temptation to message her is strong but what I have learned here is that the result will be the same, no response and more pain to me so I will fight it off.

It truly is an addiction.  I do miss the woman I knew though.

Stay strong! Don't make contact!

My friend at our intense period, would text many times a day every day and speak 2hrs plus every day for 2 1/2 yrs. And although it was kind of a slow end to that constant communication, the absence of it is such brutal emptiness ! Sometimes I realize I miss the communication more than the person.So your correct,it is an addiction that they hooked you on and you don't realize it until it's over!

I truly can't believe I'm at 23 days NC! Your last line," I do miss the woman I knew" my words exactly! I say to myself I miss that woman NOT the one I left!  Maybe that could be a healthy repetitive thing for us to say to ease our agony. Best wishes to you

Invictus69

[love2give]

I got week this morning and just sent a text showing this

 

No reply.  Feel like a fool now.  We will see how long it takes for me to FINALLY get it.

[Want2know]

So I guess the lesson here is my ex is not the person I fell in love with. 

This is a good realization.  If you take a look at the detachment stages to the right of the page, you'll see that in the processing stage you start to use what you've experienced as a way to move forward and work with what you have learned so that you can make better choices in the future.

"What you learn in this journey about relationships, people, communications and most importantly yourself (e.g., strengths to build upon, weakness to resolve) can shape positive change for the rest of your life."

I know this hurts right now.  Trust that the pain will diminish over time.  It sounds like you've set up some good things for yourself that you can focus on - your band, classes, bible study.  It's important to keep up with your life without him in it.  

[ynguns2]

I had no closure either. These people are really emotional vampires that suck the life out of you. I have had no communication now going on 6 months and God knows i would like a reason for the reasons she had done what she did but the problem is even she does not know why she had done these horrible things.

You will heal it does take time. Do not rush into another relationship I am lucky I met a new wonderful woman but I am still not healed over my last one who had BPD.

[Espy]

 lots of great post, thanks for everyone's input!  This truly does make it easier, knowing that the issues my ex has are a disorder, and that his disorder is actually shared by everyone's Exs here on these post.  Somehow the fact that you guys are going through the exact same scenarios puts some logic behind his crazy behavior. 

I'm going to go under the assumption that everyone posting are from all walks of life - we are all different ages and nationalities, but the one thing that holds constant is our Exs lack of communication due to BPD or NPD and how it makes us all feel like we are going slightly crazy.  In some way it seems like their behavior is scripted- they say the same illogical things and act in the same illogical way... . for a while there I thought I was the one with the issue letting go, but the more I learn about everyone's experiences here the more I a realize how nutso my ex COULD have made me.

Sure I miss him everyday, but like Invictus mentions I miss the person he WAS.  Love2give, I sent him a nice email three days ago and nothing.  Two months of silence.  That night I punched the heck out of my pillows, prayed a rosary (my faith calms me) and cried my eyes out.  I realized after that last email that he was not a nice man, and for whatever reason, is still angry, upset, or just plain crazy.

Whatever his issues are, I got to the point where i was TIRED of processing.  My therapist tells me you need to process things and FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.  Well this girl was TIRED of feeling like hite everyday.  I was good to him, heck I was AMAZING to him, and would have handed over my life... .

But he couldn't return a simple email.  He's full of hate, anger, cowardly ness, and he's undeserving of my awesomeness.

So love2give, I say this only because it took me a while (about two months) to come to this realization.  Don't beat yourself for sending the text, but do realize how cruel your ex is. 

Heck, I might backslide too... . my therapist also told me sometimes you just gotta reach out until "you know that you know that you know that you know" it's over.  For me that took (and I'm guessing her) 8 loving texts, 7 Facebook attempts, 6 angry texts, 5 crying phone calls, 4 pleading phone calls, 3 closure emails and a partridge in a pear tree 

Seriously though, that's about how much it took for me to process this.  I'm not over it, I think of him everyday, and luckily I meet men everyday and have been on a few dates already, but I'm not there yet ( ready to date).

Want2know, I couldn't agree with you more.  This relationship has made me a different person.  It's changed me, and I've definitely lost the innocent approach I used to take when finding love, but what I'm finding is I respect myself more, and have developed better boundaries.  This change has allowed me to cut through the BS many men put up when they are just getting to know you, and I haven't wasted as much time on the wrong type of guy.

I think I dodged a bullet with my ex... . I miss the perfection we were (when it was perfect) but I'm realizing that I'm liking my new self and this new found sense of confidence even more.  I clung to my ex because he was literally the Superman of his industry, but I thank the fire he's put me through because I've learned to be stronger and to figure out what I need to make me whole.

[PhoenixRising15]

I echo everyone's sentiments here.  I've been queuing up a lengthy post in my head as I have truly "hit bottom" in terms of my mental health, and I finally began my upward rise.  But, I just wanted to express this one thing:

Walk placidly amidst the noise and haste.

If there is one certain thing in the world, it is the unknown future.

Nothing in the time of my relationship or after it went as I expected it to.

I didn't expect to like her in the beginning. 

I didn't expect to grow so attached so quickly.

I didn't expect that my efforts to help would create more problems.

I didn't expect her to leave me.

I didn't expect her to come back.

I didn't expect her to demand her terms for coming back.

I didn't expect that I would even cross her mind at this point.

I didn't expect that she would be the greatest blessing in my life thus far.

As I have navigated the uncertainty of my breakup, I have learned to appreciate my sense of peace, continuity, and soul searching.  I have got to deeper places of peace within myself than ever before.

Point being: I am trying to learn not to catastrophize the future, one way or another, and rather appreciate the moment and to continue trying to do the next right thing.

Best Wishes.

[cowl022]

Hello Espy 

Im sorry to hear about your issue. I want you t. Know that there are plenty of people here that have experienced this same thing. I was with my ex BPD gf for a little over a year. I loved her very much. I too thought she was the right one for me. I have never been with someone who I had so much in common with. She was worth more to me than life itself. After I found out she

Suffered from Bpd I contacted a therapist who specifically deals with this disorder in women. After speaking to her for about an hour she told

Me that my ex BPD gf would simply leave me. The therapist told me to run away as fast as I could. My reaction to this was... . how could my ex BPD gf do something so cruel? I didnt believe

That she would do something so cruel to me... . the guy who would do anything for her, the guy that loved her unconditionally. I was wrong Espy. She did just that. She walked out

From one day to the next. She blocked me from

Social networks, phone etc... .

I was heart broken, depressed, confused, and I felt used. After I attempted to send her correspondance she called local police to attempt to place a restraining order. She didnt accomplish that, as I never did anything to warrant a restraing order. I was hurting really bad. Im still battling a bit of depression and it

has been 6 months since she left. I never deserved any of it, but I have slowly come to terms with it. I have no choice but to continue

Moving forward in making things better for me. It has not been easy, but in time it does get easier. These people we have loved that have deserted us will continue to live in our minds and our hearts. We need to learn from these experiences and research BPD so we can see the warning signs clearly. Maybe in doing so we will be able to see things we couldnt before.

Use this sight in order to gain understanding.

I know how much it hurts to lose someone who

Means the world to us, but now that they are gone consider giving that love to yourself. Do whatever it takes to become a better person... .

Intelectually, phisically, and spiritually. I had to learn to put myself above her. Do I miss her... . definately... . with every fiber of my soul, but only I can protect myself to a degree no one else can. Take care of YOU Espy. We are all here to offer advise and share experiences.

Please heed the kind words from those who have endured and hopefully are overcoming

These painful experiences on this site. It has helped me immensely and it will help you too.

Remeber to take care of you. Put yourself first... .

Yes! Be selfish... . and love yourself so you can overcome this. Do whatever it takes to refine yourself. God bless you.

[letmeout]

cowl022, when I took my exBPDh to a psychologist to find out what was wrong with my husband, he said the same thing "run! that can't be fixed!".   Yet I hung in there, hoping for the best. I really wish I had taken his advice... .

[Espy]

cowl022, I think what keeps me up at night is how PERFECT we flowed together... It seemed so right, and I'm afraid sometimes I will never love so intensely.

I'm doing a little better now than before, and I realize how MEAN and childlike he is because even after all this time, I haven't heard from him... . but when we were doing well, there was something there that felt so right.  I'm sure you and everyone understands, it seemed so PERFECT, like that person was made for you.  What I'm finding lately is every new potential person I meet seems pale in comparison... . the chemistry just isn't there, which is why I'm scared I might not ever feel that way again   :'(