Silent treatment after breaking up and no closure or goodbye

[Espy]

I'm here because I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm looking for peace.  I didn't know what BPD was until a few weeks ago, and I believe my ex has this or at the very least, tendencies.  Apologies, but this is going to be a long story, hopefully some nice soul out there has had a similar experience and can tell me how they handled someone who disappeared completely from their lives with no goodbye, no closure, and after trying to contact them for over a month, there's been nothing but silence.  It keeps me up at night, I can't concentrate at work, and it feel like I'm getting depressed.  I'm a little scared I'm spiraling and I know I will not get the closure from him, so I'm asking for coping tools from anyone willing to help!  Thank you!

He and I had an amazing 6 months.  It was a fairy tale romance.  After two months he was calling me by his last name.  I've never wanted to marry anyone but finally believed I had met the "One".  I'm in my late 30s, and he is 40.  He is also a well respected person in his field and has done well for himself.  I admired him for a lot of reasons, and felt so very much in love. 

We actually met three years ago and had an amazing night, but the very next day, his personality changed and he was cold and distant.  Fast forward three years and he found me on Facebook.  We started talking and I felt an instant connection.  He mentioned to me he had gone to therapy for some abandonment issues with his dad and a bad divorce, and when we first met he knew he wasn't ready for a relationship- I should have pressed for details but didn't.   We talked for a month before meeting (long distance relationship), and had a wonderful 6 months.  I met his parents over Thanksgiving.  This past December I felt he was pulling away a little.  We had a few arguments but were always able to talk things through- at least usually.  During our first argument he went completely ballistic and was yelling at me about "why won't you fight for us" and started calling me the F word.  The next day he was apologetic and I told him I'd leave him if he ever did that again- he never did, but he did start shutting down and withdrawing when we'd argue and cut off communication.  Throughout our relationship, I'd noticed odd tendencies- he could be very upset in the evening, then wake up the next morning and act like nothing had happened.  He always seemed slightly jealous, insecure even, even though he was handsome and smart and I showered him with attention.  He would send me passive aggressive texts saying "I hope whatever you did tonight was worth it" even when I was at home and not out, and during conversation would often say "that's right blame me, it's always my fault".  When we would get into an argument via text he would say "let's talk in a couple of weeks", then be perfectly fine the next day. 

The last month we were together, I felt him pulling away and this made me upset so I asked him to call me more.  This didn't work very well and the one thing I wanted him to do, he would not.  The last week we were together, getting him to call was like pulling teeth.  He would say he loved me via text, and we would have entire conversations via text, but he barely called.

The night I broke up with him, he sent another one of his text "I hope whatever you did tonight was worth it"... . so I texted back "please do not assume things or send me rude texts".  He wrote back "ok didn't mean to be rude".  Ten minutes later I get a text "you're silence will have consequences" , probably because I didn't respond to his previous text.  I called him and stood up for myself and asked him not to threaten me.  He hung up.  I called him again, asked him why he hung up on me, he said he hadn't, but then three minutes later, he hangs up again.  I called a third time, no answer, so I sat and thought about his rude behavior for five minutes, wondering how a grown 40 year old man could act this way, then I called him, and he didn't answer, so I left him a voicemail and broke up with him.

Of course the next day, I regretted it and called crying/texted.  I received a text three days later after texting him "did you ever love me"?   He said "I do, very very much.  I have been freaking out and am completely overwhelmed and don't know how to ask for help.  I am sorry and embarrassed how I have treated you.  I had a complete breakdown a few days ago after my kids left (his kids lived with their mom), and I drank way too much the night you called.  I am not handling being far away from you very well, I am sorry at how I'm acting".  I then thanked him for reaching out, and asked him to call me, to which he sent me ANOTHER text "did you delete me from BBM"- (this is blackberry instant messenger).  I responded to him "I'm headed to bed soon please call".  He responded with "you didn't answer my question though, I wrote you a lengthy message on BBM and when I sent it it said I was no longer a wanted contact".

I asked him again to call me, and I heard nothing.  I've called crying, texted, emailed a goodbye closure letter, called again over the past month.  I was always sweet in my contact, never tried to seem rude.  It's been dead silent, and I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind.  How is it possible to be so entwined and say you are so in love, calling a woman by your last name up until the day we broke up, and then be so emotionless that you can disappear, apparently forever?

I just want a goodbye- some acknowledgement that all the I love yous, the future plans, the time we spent together meant SOMETHING.  I feel like I'm dying inside.  It's so invalidating.

Has anyone had this happen to you (they completely cut you off), and how did you not lose your mind over it?

I've joined a band, gone online and joined a dating site, took up an extra class, will start bible study soon, I've seen a therapist and talked a lot to friends, but I still feel stuck in the middle of something and I can't find my way out (yet).


Thank you so much for any advice you can give!  God bless!

[buddy1226]

Yes. I have been there and the first time I experienced it, it drove me nuts too. I am one that communicated and resolves issues and movers on. My ex would shut down and go ghost and would breakup for no reason and go silent. She did it to torture me.

Read up as much as you can and keep posting here. You are in the right place. I'm a few months out of a relationship with a BPD and have only been here a month or so. You will read your story over and over again here and get the help and support you need from some very wise and caring folks. This gets easier with understanding the disorder. Welcome and good luck.

[Ironmanrises]

I'm here because I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm looking for peace.  I didn't know what BPD was until a few weeks ago, and I believe my ex has this or at the very least, tendencies.  Apologies, but this is going to be a long story, hopefully some nice soul out there has had a similar experience and can tell me how they handled someone who disappeared completely from their lives with no goodbye, no closure, and after trying to contact them for over a month, there's been nothing but silence.  It keeps me up at night, I can't concentrate at work, and it feel like I'm getting depressed.  I'm a little scared I'm spiraling and I know I will not get the closure from him, so I'm asking for coping tools from anyone willing to help!  Thank you!

He and I had an amazing 6 months.  It was a fairy tale romance.  After two months he was calling me by his last name.  I've never wanted to marry anyone but finally believed I had met the "One".  I'm in my late 30s, and he is 40.  He is also a well respected person in his field and has done well for himself.  I admired him for a lot of reasons, and felt so very much in love. 

We actually met three years ago and had an amazing night, but the very next day, his personality changed and he was cold and distant.  Fast forward three years and he found me on Facebook.  We started talking and I felt an instant connection.  He mentioned to me he had gone to therapy for some abandonment issues with his dad and a bad divorce, and when we first met he knew he wasn't ready for a relationship- I should have pressed for details but didn't.   We talked for a month before meeting (long distance relationship), and had a wonderful 6 months.  I met his parents over Thanksgiving.  This past December I felt he was pulling away a little.  We had a few arguments but were always able to talk things through- at least usually.  During our first argument he went completely ballistic and was yelling at me about "why won't you fight for us" and started calling me the F word.  The next day he was apologetic and I told him I'd leave him if he ever did that again- he never did, but he did start shutting down and withdrawing when we'd argue and cut off communication.  Throughout our relationship, I'd noticed odd tendencies- he could be very upset in the evening, then wake up the next morning and act like nothing had happened.  He always seemed slightly jealous, insecure even, even though he was handsome and smart and I showered him with attention.  He would send me passive aggressive texts saying "I hope whatever you did tonight was worth it" even when I was at home and not out, and during conversation would often say "that's right blame me, it's always my fault".  When we would get into an argument via text he would say "let's talk in a couple of weeks", then be perfectly fine the next day. 

The last month we were together, I felt him pulling away and this made me upset so I asked him to call me more.  This didn't work very well and the one thing I wanted him to do, he would not.  The last week we were together, getting him to call was like pulling teeth.  He would say he loved me via text, and we would have entire conversations via text, but he barely called.

The night I broke up with him, he sent another one of his text "I hope whatever you did tonight was worth it"... . so I texted back "please do not assume things or send me rude texts".  He wrote back "ok didn't mean to be rude".  Ten minutes later I get a text "you're silence will have consequences" , probably because I didn't respond to his previous text.  I called him and stood up for myself and asked him not to threaten me.  He hung up.  I called him again, asked him why he hung up on me, he said he hadn't, but then three minutes later, he hangs up again.  I called a third time, no answer, so I sat and thought about his rude behavior for five minutes, wondering how a grown 40 year old man could act this way, then I called him, and he didn't answer, so I left him a voicemail and broke up with him.

Of course the next day, I regretted it and called crying/texted.  I received a text three days later after texting him "did you ever love me"?   He said "I do, very very much.  I have been freaking out and am completely overwhelmed and don't know how to ask for help.  I am sorry and embarrassed how I have treated you.  I had a complete breakdown a few days ago after my kids left (his kids lived with their mom), and I drank way too much the night you called.  I am not handling being far away from you very well, I am sorry at how I'm acting".  I then thanked him for reaching out, and asked him to call me, to which he sent me ANOTHER text "did you delete me from BBM"- (this is blackberry instant messenger).  I responded to him "I'm headed to bed soon please call".  He responded with "you didn't answer my question though, I wrote you a lengthy message on BBM and when I sent it it said I was no longer a wanted contact".

I asked him again to call me, and I heard nothing.  I've called crying, texted, emailed a goodbye closure letter, called again over the past month.  I was always sweet in my contact, never tried to seem rude.  It's been dead silent, and I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind.  How is it possible to be so entwined and say you are so in love, calling a woman by your last name up until the day we broke up, and then be so emotionless that you can disappear, apparently forever?

I just want a goodbye- some acknowledgement that all the I love yous, the future plans, the time we spent together meant SOMETHING.  I feel like I'm dying inside.  It's so invalidating.

Has anyone had this happen to you (they completely cut you off), and how did you not lose your mind over it?

I've joined a band, gone online and joined a dating site, took up an extra class, will start bible study soon, I've seen a therapist and talked a lot to friends, but I still feel stuck in the middle of something and I can't find my way out (yet).


Thank you so much for any advice you can give!  God bless!

I didn't have to read beyond that to realize; BPD. I am really sorry that happened to you. You are in the right place.

[fromheeltoheal]

The emotionless part is a coping mechanism.  Borderlines feel all emotions intensely, and he's either feeling them so strongly that he is ashamed and he doesn't want you to see him like that, or he zoned out and became numb, a response to emotions that are too strong.  When a sufferer gets too close to someone that person becomes a trigger for the disorder, the push/pull kicks in, and he pushes you away.  All of that has nothing to do with you.

Yes, I've been there.  She'd be fine one day, cold and distant the next, fine the next day, sometimes cycle through several emotional states inside a day.  Add to that little communication, constant blame and frequent rage, and I was a nervous wreck all the time.  It's sad she lives like that, she can't control it, and what she wants most, that love and intimacy, just makes things worse when she approaches it.  I wasn't near perfect either mind you, I was way over my head and my communication skills were lacking too, but I did my best, which in the right relationship is more than enough.  Take care of you.

[Espy]

Thanks Buddy, Ironman and Fromhealtoheal.  It has been such a gut wrenching, heave crying, stressful month and I'm trying to make sense of what happened and would like to begin letting go and healing.  I figured posting my story here would lead to answers and hopefully a sense of closure.  The no closure is what is most devastating.  He's not coming back, I'm not going to hear a goodbye.  I've had breakups from much longer relationships occur but the silence has been the worst of them all because it feels like without talking it over, it will never end.  Thanks again.

[arn131arn]

They leave u with no closure. Ever. I don't really know too much about their inner workings or why, I just know I've seen every diagnostic marker over and over again to know. She's some type of cluster B, which one I'm learning doesn't matter. None of them can get better. But give yourself some time, and I can assure you if you use your NC to not contact ur ex in anyway shape or form, and work on you, your physical, your mindfulness, and your spirit, you will see the difference in just a short time. You will take a few steps back, but you will keep progressing forward. You are going to wake up in the morning, and he WILL NOT be the 1st thing on your mind. Getting to know who I am after 14 years is my new bottle of Jack Daniels!

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, the lack of closure is very painful.  I got to the point where communicating with her at all towards the end hurt, no resolution, all blame, all strife.  I ended up giving myself closure by digging for the real reasons I entered the relationship and stayed as long as did; the lessons learned have been their own gift, and that's a closure I didn't know I needed.

[Happy1]

Espy,

You used the word, "entwined" and to me that is the critical point for you to start thinking about in your own recovery from this relationship. Ask you're self questions around this concept like, "Why do you feel the need to be so entwined/enmeshed with this individual? What is it that you lack in reflecting about yourself that this person seems to 'complete'?" This would be a good place and time to reflect upon yourself. That may help some with the pain, turning your focus inward toward your own issues.

As for closure, what you described about your partner being different the very next etc. all sound familiar to many of us here. As other's have suggested, it's part of the push/pull dynamic. For whatever reason, likely that he was beginning to also feel too close to you, you now trigger an innate fear in him of being attached to you (someone) and needing you (them). Again, it's his issue. It's a weird and difficult concept to consider, but you did nothing wrong, it's his fear. He doesn't want to let you go, but doesn't want to "need" you either. Hence, the classic push/pull dynamic I mentioned.

As for the pain, I'm sure it hurts. Hurts right in the pit of your stomach and sort of sits there most of the time and it gets worse when you think of him, replay things and dialog he said to you, or when you see or remember things that "trigger" your sorrow. I have no answer for how to make those things and times go away or be better for you other than to say, "time heals all wounds."

He and his disorder have "played games" with you and your psyche. He's doesn't mean to do it, or to act cruel, but it's his disorder that causes these behaviors to connect->disengage->reconnect (repeat) with you. His mind is never in a stable place in terms of his relationships with others and his fear of abandonment gets the better of him as he struggles to appear to be independent and high functioning like the rest of us.

Keep seeing a counsellor, that's a good and safe place for you to work through these issues. But also remember that you may never have an answer for any of this mysterious and incongruent behavior. You may have to just settle for it being, just so. Or, "it is what it is…" as your answer.

[Espy]

I'm not proud of what I'm about to say, but it's part of the crazy-making situation I feel I'm in.  I called him today, where he immediately sent me to voicemail, and instead of letting it go at that (as if I should have gone there in the first place after a month of the silent treatment), I called him another six times.

It didn't stop there, I sent him text, for the first time, some pretty real text about how this has all made me feel (remember previously I'd been nice and sweet when I reached out).  I told him his actions were cowardly, and I told him he turned out just like his dad and abandoned the relationship just like his dad did to him.  I told him to be a man and that his silent treatment only shows me he learned nothing during his three years of therapy.  I told him to stop being a sad angry man who drinks too much because he doesn't like his life, and learn how to communicate without shutting down.  I ended it by telling him yes I'm angry, but I see you-you have BPD and the silent treatment is how you feel a sense of control and power- what you don't realize perhaps is that you can stop the cycle of how you feel but you have to let people in, even after they hurt you.  Let's talk like two adults and end this peacefully.


Anyways, like it said, not my proudest moment, and I hadn't been this angry up until this point.  Of course no response.

I agree about turning the questions inward-  I think I'm normally pretty secure but this situation has made ME feel like I have my own abandonment issues!   I wonder why this particular person has been so hard to get over but then I realize out of all the boyfriends I've had, he has been the only one I ever wanted to marry.  He seemed so honest, real, and "perfect"... . and that's why I think I feel so lost.  I thought he was the "One", and he left without so much as a goodbye.

I read that people are given the silent treatment, but then their BPD-er comes back.  I don't think this person is coming back.  Has anyone ever broken up with their person only to never hear from them again?

Appreciate everyone's input.  This seriously helps to get real feedback from people who have gone through the same thing!

[fromheeltoheal]

I was with my ex the first time in 1987 for about a year, then heard from her 10 years and 15 years later, then she found me on Facebook a couple of years ago, and off to the races we went again.  I thought she'd changed.  Ha!  Never say never... .

[letmeout]

Bless your heart Espy, it has been broken but it will heal. After reading these forums, you know if he comes back he will only do this again. No one deserves that kind of agony. Your anger is part of the grieving process and you are moving in the right direction.  

[Happy1]

I read that people are given the silent treatment, but then their BPD-er comes back.  I don't think this person is coming back.  Has anyone ever broken up with their person only to never hear from them again?

Yep, I've had this happen. We were about 6 months into the relationship. She railed about her old boyfriend all of the time, then he came back to town and she was instantly done with me. I confronted her about what had transpired and she told me that she wanted to be with him and that she was sorry it was over between us. I was hurt, but felt I could live with that at the time the meeting ended. Then, since we worked together, as I've mentioned before, the unholy torrent of sh!t came down on me. She essentially wanted me gone, but I wasn't quitting my job over our break-up so, she started a distortion campaign against me. It literally began almost overnight. I guess it's called being "split black."

For me it was a double-wammy of sorts. I was grieving the loss of the relationship, but then was also thrown into a situation where I had to defend myself against false allegations of all kinds. Other people at work would ask me about what was going on and all I could do was say, "I'm not really sure... . " And, I wasn't. I then saw her play the wounded victim to both male and female supervisors, etc. Thankfully I had a good supervisor that stood up for me. I kept my head down, stayed the course and eventually she moved away to be with her new/old boyfriend.

I never heard from her. I never got any resolution other than her telling me we were over. I never abandoned her or did anything to harm this person. I never even said anything in anger to her, every. I just weathered it.

I'm not sure how splitting works, all I know is, that once she was done with me, she was done. Period. Over, finished, complete.

At the time I had a great counsellor that helped me deal with just not having any conclusion or closure. I suggest you find someone who can help you with that too. Since then I've talked about her with my new counsellor and come to understand that maybe she was just having a hard time in life and needed someone like me at that time. Sounds so selfish, but it helps to make my self-esteem feel much better since I did really do a lot for her in a short period of time to help support her. Most of the time she was fairly functional, but she was obviously struggle, as I recall with a host of issues too, and I was a good sounding board for those feelings. I'm proud of that to this day.

Also, my latest personal epiphany has come from my truly understanding and internally now knowing what "objectification" means in this situation. It probably wasn't "me" that she was drawn to, but most likely "my ability" to provide her with something she needed. Just like a starving person needs a meal. I was that "source" for her and other uBPDex'es I've had.

In the future, remember to listen to your gut and your own innate sense of boundaries. That's my big take away from dealing with multiple BPDs. This one that I described here, was my third amongst three and I did the best job of healing and getting on with life after her. Live and learn I guess.

[Espy]

Fromhealtoheal, I've thought about what I would do if he ever came back and I don't think I'd take him back, not in his current condition... . why did you go back several times?  Are you still involved?

I recently read this book called Who's Pulling Your Strings and found some quotes that are staying with me while I deal with the silent treatment, and I wanted to share.  When you read the word manipulator=your ExBPD.

1. Remember it takes two to have a manipulative relationship!

2. Every time the non BPDer complies w the manipulator so request, (I.e. Every time you contact them) the manipulator, in turn, is reinforced for using their methods.

3. The stress the nonBPDer is under limits their ability to perceive alternatives, or go adequately identify the true range of her personal autonomy and freedom.

4.you are not as powerless as you feel.  By enabling the manipulator to control you, you are exercising a kind of power and control (albeit one not in your best interest) of your own.

5.if you stop complying with the coercion, you will CRIPPLE the effectiveness of the manipulators methods.

6.Does resistance mean you will suffer the negative consequences you the non BPDer fear (in my case abandonment of the relationship where I thought I'd get married).  With continued resistance (NC) the manipulator will be forced to change tactics, or change victims.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met this person because I feel there has been an innocence lost in the way I love now, however, I've been meeting new people daily and realize my previous rose colored lenses have been replaced with a more realistic view of the world, and I think I'm ok with that.   

[fromheeltoheal]

Fromhealtoheal, I've thought about what I would do if he ever came back and I don't think I'd take him back, not in his current condition... . why did you go back several times? Are you still involved?

We worked together in 1987 and had a fling, which I thought was a real relationship but found out later she'd been screwing most of the office, then she called a couple of times over the years, when she was married with kids, struck me as strange that an old girlfriend would look me up years later, but I didn't know then what I know now.  And then she found me on Facebook a couple of years ago, 25 years since I'd seen her, I was lonely and susceptible at the time, 25 years felt like another lifetime, I thought she'd changed, I certainly had in that time.  So we were together twice, she's a beautiful girl who turns on the idealization like nobody's business, I was in 'love', silly me.  I was naive and ready for an education is what I was.  I left her a year and a half ago, she tried to contact me many times but hasn't in a while, I ignored it, and it only took me decades, but I think I've learned that I need to keep her and her pathology out of my life for good this time.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met this person because I feel there has been an innocence lost in the way I love now, however, I've been meeting new people daily and realize my previous rose colored lenses have been replaced with a more realistic view of the world, and I think I'm ok with that.  

There you go.  I see the whole experience as an education I apparently needed and didn't know it, and my perceptions of people and the world have all changed for the better too, the gift of a relationship with a borderline.

[Espy]

It's been six weeks since the breakup now... . I actually booked a trip a few weeks after the breakup to Hawaii and have spent the last five days here.  My friend that I stayed with here in Hawaii suggested I come here because after her divorce, she said the on,y thing she could do some days was put one foot in front of the other, and try to have new experiences to replace the old, bad, sad feelings.  I've been here in Hawaii for the last five days and have had several great experiences, glad I came, and mentally put a little more distance between myself and my exBPDer... . I do dread going back home however. 

I think to Happy2's point, I spent the last five days digging deep as to why I need to have final words with the ex... . why it's so darn important to me when he's been nothing but hurtful and disrespectful.  I know it most likely has to do with issues stemming from what might not have been a perfect relationship with my own dad- I was always trying to make him proud, not to mention he and my mom both passed away when I was in my mid twenties, so I'm sure I have my own "abandonment" issues and want so very badly for my own family.

This hasn't been and is still not easy... . i wonder about him still when it's been a month and a half of not hearing from him... . it's embarrassing to see myself write that, but that's where I'm at.  I seriously, seriously, seriously want to feel better about this... . it's such a struggle.  Some days I literally have to stop myself from thinking about him in a sad/I miss you way and remind myself what a manipulator and heartless non empathetic arse he has been.

[dansure]

The silent treatment and that we had no real closure was the hardest thing from me during the break up with my ex. I could never and still can't understand how someone who just said "I can't imagine to live without you" just cut me out of her life and apparently doesn't even think about me anymore.

I found my closure the moment that she told me that she is dating someone else. Then everything made sense to me. I am sure now that she met that person a couple of weeks before we broke up and that something was going on behind the curtains already. That also explains her abnormal behavior during our last and final break up, because usually she would call me or text me a couple of days after.

I know some people who tell me that it is nothing abnormal that people start dating someone else shortly after breaking up with their ex. But to me it is and it shows that the love wasn't real. If I really love someone I simply can't date someone else shortly after. I need to erase my previous partner from my heart first and that takes some time.

So what's my closure? Knowing that she didn't really love me towards the end anymore. If she did she would never be able to ignore my messages and to date someone else shortly after.

It hurts but it also helps. Why does it help? Because if she had to leave the country for some reason or I cheated on her and she lost her feelings for me or something similar would happen... . then it would be justified to grieve and be sad about the loss. But if she just stops loving me out of the blue, but still acts as she still does up until to the point where I stop playing by her rules anymore and then moves on to the next victim that's not a loss as all. It's actually a win because I stop waisting my time on her and are free to find someone with whom the love can grow.

[Popcorn71]

The silent treatment and that we had no real closure was the hardest thing from me during the break up with my ex. I could never and still can't understand how someone who just said "I can't imagine to live without you" just cut me out of her life and apparently doesn't even think about me anymore.

I found my closure the moment that she told me that she is dating someone else. Then everything made sense to me. I am sure now that she met that person a couple of weeks before we broke up and that something was going on behind the curtains already. That also explains her abnormal behavior during our last and final break up, because usually she would call me or text me a couple of days after.

I know some people who tell me that it is nothing abnormal that people start dating someone else shortly after breaking up with their ex. But to me it is and it shows that the love wasn't real. If I really love someone I simply can't date someone else shortly after. I need to erase my previous partner from my heart first and that takes some time.

So what's my closure? Knowing that she didn't really love me towards the end anymore. If she did she would never be able to ignore my messages and to date someone else shortly after.

It hurts but it also helps. Why does it help? Because if she had to leave the country for some reason or I cheated on her and she lost her feelings for me or something similar would happen... . then it would be justified to grieve and be sad about the loss. But if she just stops loving me out of the blue, but still acts as she still does up until to the point where I stop playing by her rules anymore and then moves on to the next victim that's not a loss as all. It's actually a win because I stop waisting my time on her and are free to find someone with whom the love can grow.

Thank you.  You have put my thoughts into words.  Seeing it in writing somehow makes it easier to understand and see more clearly.  Like you, I have won also. 

[goingtostopthis]

Its this Silent Treatment thing that I know is responsible for ruining our relationship.  I told myself if another man even did this to me again I'd end it ,  but in this case it seemed to happen so fast and was upon me before I could really register it.  I was all ready too far into the relationship. Ive had bad experience's with this in my past.  I dont handle it well at all.   It makes me compulsive and obsessive.  The first time he did it I couldnt stop writing him because I was in so much pain. Saying anything to get him to answer me. Saying Im sorry, practically begging him, on and on,   well he used this against me eventually,  and said I was harassing him and claimed he told me he needed time to be  alone,  which he "never" said.    He said it was over,  and then cut me off.  So naturally I flipped.

                There's no compassion,  there's no understanding.  I tell him why I have reacted in certain ways that I have to him in accordance to how he is acting.  He doesnt care. Its still held against me. Ive got the problem.  Giving the silent treatment is the problem and he's the one whose been doing it.

                        I ended up writing his mother ,Im in the US, hes in the UK,  I did this once before with a good result.  They came .gave him money and good talking too and it helped a lot.  This time I did it again for the same sort of reason.  He keeps making comments about not wanting to live. I told her he is not himself,  that he has changed and was being irrational and mean to me. I eventually said I thought he was depressed and needed psychological help. I didnt dare say BPD.    Well, she wrote back and said:  it seems to me that its the other way around.     < and that was it.  meaning,  Im the one who has a problem.   I asked her with capital letters to please not tell him I had written her.  Well, she did...    this was after I told him I would never do that again.  But I did,   I was freaking out and inn soo much pain.  He needed help.  He wont get it. Stupid, stupid mother... . makes me so mad... . she knows darn well he isnt quite right.   Now he has his final reasonn to condemn me to his hell.    Im not going there, sorry.   

                             

[acknowledgement]

From my experience, the BPDs do NOT love you, they NEED you to fill them and take away their emptiness. When they deem you are no longer needed, as when they usually find a "replacement" for you... . they can turn the switch off and never look back. That alone should tell you it is them, not you, for they are irrational, all about themselves, and FAKE. Look within to see why you continued to engage in their abnormal dance, and seek our people who can actually have a real true loving relationship without lies manipulation s deceit and silent treatment... . NONE of that is normal is abnormal BPD!seeing a therapist for me, validated that my friend truly had BPD and was pushing and pulling me for years... . there is usually no good outcome with BPDs... . just more recyling of the same dysfunction! Let them go and start to live again and a brace people who actually enhance your life not bring torture confusion and pain to it... . and leave you suffering with their silence and detachment!

[love2give]

From my experience, the BPDs do NOT love you, they NEED you to fill them and take away their emptiness. When they deem you are no longer needed, as when they usually find a "replacement" for you... . they can turn the switch off and never look back. That alone should tell you it is them, not you, for they are irrational, all about themselves, and FAKE. Look within to see why you continued to engage in their abnormal dance, and seek our people who can actually have a real true loving relationship without lies manipulation s deceit and silent treatment... . NONE of that is normal is abnormal BPD!seeing a therapist for me, validated that my friend truly had BPD and was pushing and pulling me for years... . there is usually no good outcome with BPDs... . just more recyling of the same dysfunction! Let them go and start to live again and a brace people who actually enhance your life not bring torture confusion and pain to it... . and leave you suffering with their silence and detachment!

I like reading posts like yours here.  I am so trying to make sense of how one human being could do this to another. 

How can she not actually feel love after saying it so often is beyond reasoning for me.

[LA4610]

Hi there ESPY... . it's terrible that you had this experience and i am sorry you are so hurt from it. You are not alone. We all have similar stories and pain. It sounds like your on the right track. I read all of your posts and you are taking some very good steps to healing. One thing I would recommend (*and I am saying this from experience) is to try to talk only to your close friends and mainly to your therapist about this. Alot of ppl will not understand the chaos and drama associated with these ppl. Trying to explain my relationship with regular friends and even some family usually left me frustrated bc I felt like no one understood (they probably didn't).

[cosmonaut]

I am going through nearly the same things, Espy.  My uBPDexgf just started shutting me out this past fall without any reason or notice.  She stopped returning my calls and texts.  She would refuse to see me if I showed up at her place.  She kept claiming that she was ill and then she said that she needed space and hoped I could understand.   I've never been able to understand it, though.  Believe me, I've tried.  Discovering and learning about BPD (I didn't even know what it was before she broke things off with us) has been enlightening, but also very saddening.  I keep wishing I had known about it earlier and kicking myself about it.  Maybe things would have been different.  Maybe I could have handled things better.  Maybe I could have helped her.   It's just so heartbreaking.  I love my ex.  I want her to be happy and healthy more than anything.

Anyway, I don't have much in the way of advice, but believe me I feel you completely.  It's just maddening and heartbreaking to have the love of your life just drop you for absolutely nothing.  To refuse to fight for you in any way.  To refuse to work on anything together.  To just leave.   It's ironically, abandonment.  It really is.  And it hurts like hell.  All of us here know the agony of that loss.   Hang in there, Espy.

[love2give]

.  It's just maddening and heartbreaking to have the love of your life just drop you for absolutely nothing.  To refuse to fight for you in any way.  To refuse to work on anything together.  To just leave.   It's ironically, abandonment.  It really is.  And it hurts like hell.

It is exactly these words that keep going through my head.

[myself]

My ex said she would use silence to punish me. That it would affect me the rest of my life. At first, it hurt 9/10ths of the time. Then 2/3. 50/50. Now it's down to around 1/3 and gradually getting less.

In the silence I hear her grinding her gears, still stuck.

While I hear (and feel) myself growing out of it.

[Ironmanrises]

I'm not proud of what I'm about to say, but it's part of the crazy-making situation I feel I'm in.  I called him today, where he immediately sent me to voicemail, and instead of letting it go at that (as if I should have gone there in the first place after a month of the silent treatment), I called him another six times.

It didn't stop there, I sent him text, for the first time, some pretty real text about how this has all made me feel (remember previously I'd been nice and sweet when I reached out).  I told him his actions were cowardly, and I told him he turned out just like his dad and abandoned the relationship just like his dad did to him.  I told him to be a man and that his silent treatment only shows me he learned nothing during his three years of therapy.  I told him to stop being a sad angry man who drinks too much because he doesn't like his life, and learn how to communicate without shutting down.  I ended it by telling him yes I'm angry, but I see you-you have BPD and the silent treatment is how you feel a sense of control and power- what you don't realize perhaps is that you can stop the cycle of how you feel but you have to let people in, even after they hurt you.  Let's talk like two adults and end this peacefully.


Anyways, like it said, not my proudest moment, and I hadn't been this angry up until this point.  Of course no response.

I agree about turning the questions inward-  I think I'm normally pretty secure but this situation has made ME feel like I have my own abandonment issues!   I wonder why this particular person has been so hard to get over but then I realize out of all the boyfriends I've had, he has been the only one I ever wanted to marry.  He seemed so honest, real, and "perfect"... . and that's why I think I feel so lost.  I thought he was the "One", and he left without so much as a goodbye.

I read that people are given the silent treatment, but then their BPD-er comes back.  I don't think this person is coming back.  Has anyone ever broken up with their person only to never hear from them again?

Appreciate everyone's input.  This seriously helps to get real feedback from people who have gone through the same thing!

The one's that do not come back are mistaken for a pwBPD when in reality it is more expressive of a pwNPD which has a lot of similar traits. If you read the accounts on here, you will see a common theme of the pwBPD returning in one form or another.

[fromheeltoheal]

I read that people are given the silent treatment, but then their BPD-er comes back.  I don't think this person is coming back.  Has anyone ever broken up with their person only to never hear from them again?

The one's that do not come back are mistaken for a pwBPD when in reality it is more expressive of a pwNPD which has a lot of similar traits. If you read the accounts on here, you will see a common theme of the pwBPD returning in one form or another.

Yep, I mostly agree Ironman, although in my case she exhibited traits of both, comorbid is the term they use around here, and that is apparently common.

NPD traits include:

Expects to be recognized as superior and special, without superior accomplishments

Expects constant attention, admiration and positive reinforcement from others

Envies others and believes others envy him/her

Is preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of great success, enormous attractiveness, power, intelligence

Lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings or desires of others

Is arrogant in attitudes and behavior

Has expectations of special treatment that are unrealistic

Without getting too psychy, my ex would present herself as god's gift to women and was convinced all men where looking at her and would leave their woman for her in a heartbeat if she wanted.  My take was all of that was just a response, a compensation, for how she really felt about herself; she literally told me she didn't care about herself, wanted someone to kill her to 'put her out of her misery', and didn't know who she was.  Of course those times were the exception, usually in the middle of the night when she'd have panic attacks, the Xanax wasn't working, and she's have to have someone walk her around the block and breathe until she calmed down.  And you're right, the two disorders share some traits, and I put the substance abuse, the promiscuity, the cognitive distortion, the intensity and mood swings, and the lying in the BPD corner.

[Espy]

Dansure, I never heard another peep from my ex after I broke up with him, and if he's dating someone else already, I'm glad I don't know about it.  My ex also professed undying love up until the evening he repeatedly hung up on me, and after I broke up with him over voicemail because he wouldn't answer his phone, I got an apologetic " I'm sorry I'm freaking out/ don't know how to ask for help/ sorry for the way I've treated you text", but I never and still haven't ( probably never will) received a phone call.  He disappeared.  I've come to realize like you that he said many things and might have thought he loved me, but in the end, he wasn't capable of a healthy relationship, and this helps me cope because I realize he's done me a favor by cutting off contact.

Goingtostopthis- I thought about writing his mom, but then I realized what mother who loves her son and birthed this person is going to turn on him and believe me... . I figured she would think I was the one with the problem.  What I've realized is that we aren't the crazy people here, but this situation IS a crazy- maker.  Without a good support system, therapist, ( and in my case a trip to Hawaii to get some space and perspective on the situation) I would still be crying every day and possibly reaching out.  All I can suggest is to continue to talk to people, put one foot in front of the other, and fill your days with new experiences to get " out of your head" about the situation.  Don't know if you're spiritual but Mercyme' s sons "Beautiful" is on repeat on my IPod, and this helps.

LA4610- you are absolutely right, NO ONE I know had heard of BPD.  The only reason I figured this out was because my best friend has a narcissistic ex, and I found information on that disorder which led me to BPD. 

Cosmonaut- sorry your ex did that- I wanted to help my ex at first, but after a month of calling/ texting/ crying I realized he might have this issue but I am not a licensed therapist, and I can't fix his problem if he won't even talk to me- and trust me I tried at least twenty times to reach out and ask him to talk.  Yes, he DEFINITELY abandoned me.  That cowardly, pitiful, motherpuckin SOB chose himself above me and the life we planned together... . I know he has mental problems, but that doesn't stop one from loving them.  I think what turned this around for me was when one of the posters asked me to examine what it was in my own self that needed that closure, and sure enough, it was my own issues with abandonment and self worth that he triggered by not contacting me, but what I realized is that I'm worthy of better love that won't make me as unstable as he is.  I am not proud of the person I became towards the end of our relationship and I have made a promise to myself to find my way out if this mental rut.

Myself-  that's pretty amazing, my ex once texted me " your silence will have consequences" after I didn't respond to one of his texts.  I never understood why he would send something random like that until I read your post.  Funny, these people all function under the same Modus operandi.

Ironmanrises- what idles " pw" mean in pwNPD?  I do see some of his traits in Fromhealtoheal' s description.  He always had to fly first class, loved the constant attention I gave him.  He didn't have a lot of friends, I think he drank every night just to get to bed, would be insecure of me because he said often I had a nice body and that he thought I was talking to other men when I did nothing but adore him... .

Well, today was a decent day.  I'm back from vacation and it's the first day I didn't break down and cry over him while home.  Praise God.

[Espy]

I read an article on NPD, found this really good one- it seems similar to BPD, but does have its differences.

After my research on Narcissists, I learned that they only love to the extent that they are ABLE to love.

I say this because love does not USE people, love does not ABUSE people, love does not DEVALUE people and love does not DISCARD or ABANDON people and toss them to the side like rubbish.

Also:

Some Characteristics of a Narcissist- things to watch out for:

They lie

They look down on others

They refuse to take responsibility

They are two-faced

They can be vindictive

They prefer laughing AT people than WITH them

They are bullies

They are very childlike

They believe that no matter what happens they will prevail – because they see themselves as being invincible

They believe that whatever bad things they do, they will be forgiven and will ultimately triumph

They are fearless to the point of being insanely unrealistic

They have persistent fantasies about attaining success, power and wealth – they are obsessed with it

They are incapable of compromise and need to win

They thrive on evoking reactions and emotions – whether negative or positive – both give them a “high”

They cheat on their partners

They are NOT capable of “real” love as normal people know it. They are more interested in being in control and feeling important and special than ever being loved by someone

They manipulate people to go against their own values willingly

They USE people as puppets, pawns and commodities, burning them out and then moving on to their next victim.

They do not value people, do not miss them or love them because that involves bonding emotionally at various levels and the ability to bond is MISSING

[fromheeltoheal]

the ability to bond is MISSING

Hallelujah!  That was the core of it, and the root of my strife was my conclusion that it was because I was doing something wrong.  Now why would I think something like that?  Could it be that has been my lifelong default mode?  Enough pain can force change, thanks borderline.

[letmeout]

BPDs do NOT love you, they NEED you to fill them and take away their emptiness.

That is how I got over my ex, by realizing that he never was capable of loving me.  The bonding thing was also true, he couldn't even bond with his own mother as a child.