Is co-dependency inextricably linked to BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It feels like the perfect storm. I'm co-dependent seeking more approval than the average person. She's BPD willing to make me feel super through all the kindness and attention. Only, this is not real - it's a trap. I marry her thinking I've married a certain person. Slowly the approval turns off, then goes into abusive overdrive. I wake up 14 years later like Rip van Winkel realizing I've been... . well... . BPD'd. IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT!

[Moselle]

It feels like the perfect storm. I'm co-dependent seeking more approval than the average person. She's BPD willing to make me feel super through all the kindness and attention. Only, this is not real - it's a trap. I marry her thinking I've married a certain person. Slowly the approval turns off, then goes into abusive overdrive. I wake up 14 years later like Rip van Winkel realizing I've been... . well... . BPD'd. IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[scallops]

Dear Moselle

It is hard to figure it all out... . here is a link of Co-dependency... .

Co-dependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability

Have you tried to post on the Undecided board... . I know there will be other there that can help you... .

[DaddyLonghair]

 Its pretty common. I see it in myself. Every girl I ever dated had daddy issues.

[Turkish]

It feels like the perfect storm. I'm co-dependent seeking more approval than the average person. She's BPD willing to make me feel super through all the kindness and attention. Only, this is not real - it's a trap. I marry her thinking I've married a certain person. Slowly the approval turns off, then goes into abusive overdrive. I wake up 14 years later like Rip van Winkel realizing I've been... . well... . BPD'd. IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT!

Hi Moselle, the Rip Van Winkel analogy seems apt. After you having such a long marriage with three kids, that must seem so much more devastating to come to the realization. I think they sometimes latch onto co-dependents... . and us to them, of course, for our own reasons, though co-dependency isn't a pathology. Each feeds the other unhealthily. Mine's cycled back to the NPD types. I was the one break in her pattern. She also has CD traits, but she exhibits them towards her family.

Have you read up on FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)? Its a technique typically used by a PDed person, especially BPDs.

We have a discussion about it here, too. Apologies if you've already encountered this link:

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

[Moselle]

Thanks Turkish.

I hadn't seen it before. That pretty much summarizes it exactly for me. I recognize it in her family, I recognize it in her, but very importantly I recognize it in me too. I have used this as well, which I'm not proud of. I guess the first step to changing is awareness, and a commitment not to play the game that way.

[DaddyLonghair]

 Good thinking. That will be the silver lining in the cloud that is the end of my marriage. I'm done being co-dependent. I will work on not being a fixer and a people pleaser. I'm also much more likely to see red flags.

[Moselle]

DaddyLongHair I can understand the anguish and anger around having a loved one with this. I'm realizing more and more however that I have been complicit with some of this stuff. The co-dep in me antagonizing her when she starts her nonsense. I read something this week about being the leader of behavior because the BPD certainly won't. I've applied the SET tool with astonishing results this week. It calmed her right down, and I know she's wondering what's up. I also realized that it's not about me. There's no truth in her wild accusations. Outside of co-dep I'm just quite normal. Actually I am remembering that I'm quite comfortable with myself. On this site I realized what she's doing and why she's doing it. It's the illness talking and it's not telling the truth.

Having said this she's still undiagnosed, and I'm not willing to continue indefinitely without her coming to terms with the illness, but I'm hoping that my ownership of my problems may lead her to do the same. At least if it ends, I will know that I have done everything humanly possible to take the horse to the water. If it still refuses to drink, well that's her choice and I accept that it's time to move on.

[an0ught]

Hi Moselle,

DaddyLongHair I can understand the anguish and anger around having a loved one with this. I'm realizing more and more however that I have been complicit with some of this stuff. The co-dep in me antagonizing her when she starts her nonsense. I read something this week about being the leader of behavior because the BPD certainly won't. I've applied the SET tool with astonishing results this week. It calmed her right down, and I know she's wondering what's up. I also realized that it's not about me. There's no truth in her wild accusations. Outside of co-dep I'm just quite normal. Actually I am remembering that I'm quite comfortable with myself. On this site I realized what she's doing and why she's doing it. It's the illness talking and it's not telling the truth.

It can be a bit irritating when she suddenly stays calm, has and is able to think a bit. Takes time to get used to for her and maybe also you. 

Having said this she's still undiagnosed, and I'm not willing to continue indefinitely without her coming to terms with the illness, but I'm hoping that my ownership of my problems may lead her to do the same. At least if it ends, I will know that I have done everything humanly possible to take the horse to the water. If it still refuses to drink, well that's her choice and I accept that it's time to move on.

You may want to consider the Staying board as a starting point which is more focused on skill learning & day-2-day life management for the time being. Nothing wrong with wandering into the Undecided board, just that the Staying board is a lot more supportive.

,

a0

[Moselle]

Thanks An0ught!

PS really like your signature