Need help. Ex told me he is moving to be with replacement.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My husband and I separated officially a couple weeks ago. But I have known he was involved with another woman for about 6 weeks. He just told me tonight he wanted to meet tomorrow to tell me he was moving away to the city the replacement lives in. We have a 16 year old daughter together. This news is just devastating to me. He might be a poor husband, but he has been a good father and our daughter is a daddy's girl. How can he do this to her. Not only did she just learn her parents are getting a divorce, but now he going to abandon her too.

To top it off the replacement is married. In fact she just got married less than a year ago. Is this woman really going to leave her husband for him? I have always thought the relationship was so odd that my husband might have been delusional about it as I just couldn't fathom that this woman would leave her brand new marriage for a guy she met in December.

Please help me understand.

[16YearBetrayal]

My husband and I separated officially a couple weeks ago. But I have known he was involved with another woman for about 6 weeks. He just told me tonight he wanted to meet tomorrow to tell me he was moving away to the city the replacement lives in. We have a 16 year old daughter together. This news is just devastating to me. He might be a poor husband, but he has been a good father and our daughter is a daddy's girl. How can he do this to her. Not only did she just learn her parents are getting a divorce, but now he going to abandon her too.

To top it off the replacement is married. In fact she just got married less than a year ago. Is this woman really going to leave her husband for him? I have always thought the relationship was so odd that my husband might have been delusional about it as I just couldn't fathom that this woman would leave her brand new marriage for a guy she met in December.

Please help me understand.

[mgl210]

16year,

I wish I had a magic wand to take away the confusion, anger and all the neg emotions that you are feeling at this moment. I know its tough to understand. I am no expert on the subject of BPD, but I believe that I read somewhere that sufferers of BPD tend to be impulsive... I think this might be an impulsive move on his part. As far as him moving away from his daughter... . I feel really bad for her. I can only imagine the role that you are now partaking of being both mom/and dad to this young lady. She is at that stage of her life where she needs her dad more than anything. I have high hopes that you have brothers and your dad can also be a strong support system for her. But what about you? Are you doing okay? Are you taking care of your emotions too?

Like I said, I am no expert, but I do know some stuff... IF I can help out, please feel free to reach out to me

MGL

[16YearBetrayal]

She doesn't know yet. I think it will break her heart. I felt very abandoned by my family at the same age and I remember the countless nights I cried myself to sleep. Of course it is still an issue I struggle with and I know one of the reasons I held onto this relationship for as long as I did. I didn't want to feel abandoned again.

I have done very good so far to take care of myself. I am doing a mix of letting myself feel my pain, distracting myself with activities, and doing healthy things for myself.  I can say that I'm very proud of the way I have handled everything. I think about doing terrible things (like calling the replacements husband) but I don't do them. I see my T once a week. I have told friends my whole story for the first time in my life. I tend to not seek support about really terrible things and tend to hide my own problems.  So the fact that I'm seeking support and telling my story is a big deal for me. It has felt both liberating and scary at the same time.

But there are good days and bad days. Today is a bad day.

[mgl210]

16year,

I'm sorry today has been a bad day for you. I think with the weather and the fact that V-day just passed only adds to the sadness that we all are feeling. It will break her heart to hear about how her dad is just uprooting and what not. I don't want to lie to you and say that it won't. Its a great thing that you have a T that you can trust. Trust is a valuable thing, and once its destroyed it can take a lifetime to repair. I understand you of wanting to do all those things, such as contacting your rplacement's husband. I find myself tempted to write to the few friends that I know of of hers and tell them my side of the story. But I resist, because I just don't want to get others involved in it. 

I can sympathize with you about not wanting to let your family in on your business. It was just a suggestion. I have really no one in my family that I can talk to about my own dilemma. Its okay, I've learned to be more independent on dealing with it on my own and in the process I've also learned a great deal of myself.

Its good that you have opened up to your friends. TRue friends will be there for you and help you through the pain, and through the good times. There will be good times ahead. It might take time, but time is of the essence and I believe in good things for you and your daughter. You two will need another for a lot of support for each other.

Be good to yourself and if I can help any. Please feel free to ask

MGL

[Mutt]

What triggered your husband to leave 16YearBetrayal?

[16YearBetrayal]

Here is the link to my full story in the new member area: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=219863.0

But in brief: My husband accused my brother of having sex with me one evening after a lot of drinking.  My husband beat the crap out of my brother. I thought about leaving at that time, but I felt so bad for him that I ended up taking him back.  We coexisted for a couple weeks, until reality set in for me.  Its like everything I was doing a great job of normalizing for 16 years hit me at once as being not normal, unacceptable, and unhealthy.  I have been working on myself for the last 2 years with the help of a counselor.  I deadened my emotions for many years in order to maintain the relationship.  But I was working to feel again.  I think I was just in a state where I could feel and my eyes were open to how not normal the behavior was and the incident with my brother was just the triggering event.

I tried to process this and figure out how to move forward for a couple months.  I communicated this to my husband - that I didn't want to separate, but I did need space to figure this out and know how I wanted to proceed.  This clearly triggered abandonment for him.  It was like he was dying.  We fought continually, he threatened to leave me continually, and he just kept telling me how cruel I was for doing what I was doing.  I don't think I was cruel at all.  I actually think my actions were a very loving and caring way to handle a very difficult situation.  In November we started interacting better.  But in December I noticed something was off.  He has cheated before, so I told him I was nervous and insecure about that happening again with our relationship being in such a difficult place.  He assured me he was not cheating.  AFTER, this conversation he started a relationship with a woman he worked with.  I am very in tuned to things and noticed almost immediately that something was REALLY off.  I ended up confronting him about it.  I ended up telling him to end it or leave.  He chose to leave, but didn’t actually do anything to leave.  I ended up having to tell him to not come back home as the push/pull was unbearable for me to understand.  It has been about 8 weeks since he started this relationship.  She is also married. 

And now here he is planning to move to her city, leave his child, and I presume just pretend the last 16 years never happened. 

[NyGirl8]

  Sorry you are having a bad day.  But, I am glad you are here.  And wow, what strength you have gained over the past two years.  Very impressive!  I think finding logic where there is no reasonable explanation is probably my most difficult area as well.  I wish I had some words to make it all clear.  But, learning about this disorder and NPD has helped me.  The support here has helped so much as well!

Keep it up!  I hope tomorrow is a better day for you 

[Mutt]

I read projection on your H's part 16yearBetrayal.

I can tell you when my ex was devaluating me and raging, I fought back, my uBPDex mirrors me and couldn't handle the reflection from the anger, blaming etc... . I didn't know what I was dealing with at the time.

I triggered her, when I told her that I had enough, if she didn't change we're getting a divorce. You just know when their in an emotional / physical affair. She fled due to her perceived fear of abandonment.

I'm glad that your are seeing a counselor that you've been with for a couple of years, and your willing to accept that it was a toxic relationship and you want to work on your own issues. Posting here helped me understand what was going on and my role in this dance. I'm sorry this happened to you, I think that you already know that this takes time. It is painful, but there are big lessons that you can learn from this.


- Mutt