validation without defensiveness

[mleigh7]

Can you all give me some advice on how to validate without internalizing the things he is saying and then becoming defensive and then reacting? I'm fantastic at validating everyone else but with him his insults , accusations and criticism just take their toll on me . I can only validate for so long before my defenses go up and I think to myself "I didn't do anything wrong! Why am I being punished or criticized or accused when I'm doing the best I can do and am super stressed out , working my ass off to support me, him and our baby and all I get is criticism and accusations! It's not fair! He should be grateful for all I do and have done for him and for even staying through all of this!" This is my thought process when my validation runs out and the injustice kicks in. In those moments I don't want to validate anymore because then I start to feel like a doormat. He can just talk to me however he wants , and criticize, accuse me and I have to just stand there and say "I'm really sorry youre feeling that way honey. It must be awful to have those feelings.". I run out of empathy at a certain point and would like a little my way in those !moments for what I'm feeling. Why is it ok that it's all about them? Marriage is supposed to be 50\50. How do I reframe all this in my head so I can validate and I guess not care that I'm not getting my needs met too in that moment.

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[Want2know]

It can certainly be frustrating.   

Two things stick out for me in your post.  First, that you are frustrated about the relationship, and second that you are asking for advice on how to use validation.  It is important that you work through your frustration first, as validation will probably not work well if there is an underlying tone.

There are two links that I am listing.  One is a good overview of what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwBPD, and the second is a great video on validation from Dr. Alan Fruzetti.  It is well worth the viewing.  Take a look and let us know what you think.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

https://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2013/06/validation-encouraging-peace-in-BPD.html

Hang in there!

[MissyM]

It sounds to me, what you a are talking about is internal boundaries.  Pia Melody has some good info on boundaries, you can watch you tube videos of there.  She talks about allowing others to talk about their reality and deciding for yourself what is true or not.  What is not true, you just don't take in or absorb.  Trust me, this is one of the hardest boundaries for me to maintain with my dBPDh.  I do much better when I can.  However, when I am at a point I can no longer tolerate it I just say that I can't continue this conversation anymore.  That is on days that I am in a healthy place.  I don't do it perfectly but I am getting better.

[an0ught]

Hi mleigh7,

it may still take a while to get a deeper understanding of validation. At the beginning it is foreign and can be exhausting. It should not when understood and done proper but as I said - practice, practice and practice. W2k has given a two links, check them out and if you have not watched the video - watch it. If you have watched the video a month ago - watch it again. You got the essence of "High conflict couple" in an hour for free.

Now even with the best skills validation going against a black hole will exhaust at one point in time. Just physics - although there seems recently a controvert regarding the behavior of black holes there is no such controvery regarding lack of limits of pwBPD.

So how to balance these aspects

  - validation is genuine and authentic observation and feedback. As we are validating often negative emotions it can be a bit stressful but it also should be feeling "right" as we are speaking from the heart.

  - if you can't be genuine - boundaries. There are simply limits of what we can do. There are situations where validation will not add value and effort would be wasted. Our energy is valuable and we spend it wisely.

[mleigh7]

Thank you all! Such helpful comments and links!