When will I outgrow the loneliness of growing up with BPDm?

[Claire]

Hi everyone, I grew up with a BPD mom, and over the last few years I've done a lot of work to create boundaries in that relationship, and I think overall my relationships are much healthier. I'm finally gaining some self-esteem, too.  My career is going well and I have a very full life, independent of my foo.

But what about the loneliness? Sometimes (like right now) I just get overcome with loneliness and longing for a mom and I feel those child-like emotional needs to just be held and assured that I'm loved and accepted. I'm in my upper 20s, so I know this is inappropriate. I shouldn't "need" a mom anymore, but it sure feels like I do! Some days I just can't stop crying and there is no one there, just like there hasn't been all my life. Will this ever change? And how would I let others get close enough to see these needs?

I just can't even imagine dating or marriage or raising kids because I feel so needy myself. I spent my childhood ignoring my own needs to take care of my mom's emotional needs, which was not appropriate. But now, when I should be at the point of being able to give of myself, I am overcome by my own needs.  I keep distance in relationships with those who care most about me because I am afraid of my own neediness. I don't want to overwhelm them, or to become like my mother... .

I realize that my mom and enmeshed dad were literally the only adults in my life until age 14 (I was homeschooled and sheltered from any adult relationships until I went to public high school). So, for more than half of my life I lived in this crazy version of reality. Then I spent high school and college struggling with depression, eating disorders, anxiety, etc. It wasn't until I graduated from college and the few years since that I've realized how unique my childhood was and how it has greatly affected my ability to relate to others. SO... . I'm thinking it just takes time to figure out healthy relationships, and I guess I'm looking for encouragement from any of you who can relate.

I truly have seen a lot of growth in myself, and I would have to say I'm in the healthiest place I've ever been in life and relationships, and my relationship with my mom no longer dominates my mind and emotions.  I just wonder if that huge gaping empty hole of my emotional needs as a child will ever diminish enough that I can not only exist in society without hating/hurting mysefl, but I can actively contribute and give and receive love.  Society expects maturity once you reach my age, and it is hard to accept that I just am not there. and i don't know how to get there.

Any experiences or things that have been helpful?

[Tolou]

Hi,

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting the love of a mother at any age.  As you get older some things are socially accepted and some are not.  I think the fact that you are aware of some your over neediness can help you overcome it, day by day.  You need to create plans, that may not always go accordingly, but know what to do when you start to get that overwhelming feeling inside of you.  I do not know if you have been to therapy but that too can help with some of those issues that you have yet to resolve.  However, knowing your issues and taking responsibility for what is yours, is all you can do for now.  Regardless of what home or what parent a person grew up, no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, in our own lives and then unfortunately in the lives of the people love and the children we raise.

I guess the first step would be forgiveness:

Then recognizing when that child inside of you is coming out, what triggers it and acknoweldge her/him.  Talk to that child inside of you and see what it is they want and try to give it to them (If you can):  Recognizing those triggers is important.  The loniless can be hard to escape, but you gotta stop trying to be the victim or allowing yourself to be one, don't play that role.  The emptiness, try to replace your bad memories by creating good, ones.  Don't scared to confide in someone you trust, don't be scared to take a risk.  And remind yourself, what do I have to lose?  What is the worse thing that can happen?  Don't look to far ahead.  Goodluck hope this was helpful: