Is she sincere?

[Moselle]

I'm sure there are some tell tale signs that my uBPDw has taken responsibility for her side of the dysfunctional marriage.

We formally separated 2 months ago and I have recently tried to put a healing separation agreement together with her where both parties agree to various commitments with the intention to grow individually, whilst also allowing the relationship to grow.

One of the key aspects is owning each individuals roles in the dysfunction and being honest about the issues.

When I asked my uBPDw if she accepted responsibility for her half of the marriage, she said things like 'of course' and 'marriage is about giving 100% not 50%'. She has explained that she blames me for all the negative aspects in the marriage and that I need to meet certain  criteria before she'll consider getting back together.

As time goes I'm getting more and more comfortable to make the split permanent, but I am still open to reinventing what was a dysfunctional relationship, into a more constructive, albeit imperfect one.

How do I know she's serious about taking responsibility for her problems?

I have been up front and honest about being co-dependent and about things I've done wrong. The response from her is that ' I'm not like you I'm going to deal with this differently to you' for me this is code for 'I'm in denial and I won't be honest with you'

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[Surnia]

May I ask you, Moselle, did you put the healing separation agreement together with help of a therapist?

[Moselle]

May I ask you, Moselle, did you put the healing separation agreement together with help of a therapist?

Hi Surnia. No I sent through an explanation of the healing separation agreement. And asked for her feedback.

I have since showed her parents who have been very supportive of both of us.

Do you recommend using a therapist?

Regards

Moselle

[Surnia]

Honestly, I am no expert on this field. I could imagine that without a third part like a therapist it could be tricky to get the settings clear, it could prevent disagreement about the agreement. And you have children together, so it a lot to think about.

So it could be something to consider.

BTW, there is an article about therapeutic separation on the Staying board, you may find it here: Therapeutic Separation. Perhaps this can give you some inputs too.