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Author Topic: 2 1/2 months NC, feels like reaching a difficult point.  (Read 357 times)
GuiltHaunted
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« on: March 08, 2014, 08:36:46 PM »

I have now, since December 26th, been in NC with my uexBPDgf (break up + replacement was in May 2013). After she text-greeted my for xmas (mind you at 3 in the morning), and one the subsequent long e-mail from my side... . once again spilling my guts and feelings... . the ensuing phone conversation, ended with me requesting, that she would never contact me again.

I won't say I feel regret, because the past months have been easier. I do however still hope she would contact me, saying she broke of with the replacement, had been missing me the whole time and etc.

I do however, feel a strong curiosity about what is going on in her life. She is not very present on social media (always had a Facebook phobia, so her profile that is absolutely closed off, with not even a profile picture). She did register on myspace is seems... . at least it started showing in google searches a few weeks ago (who uses myspace now a days anyway!). Anyway, nothing to see there either, doesn't even have connections.

I don't know what to do... . I feel a strong desire to pick up the contact again. Though I am not sure what would be the point. Except, maybe IF she broke off with the replacement and she was too insecure about contacting me, because I specifically told her never to contact me again.

Man, am I even on the right board 
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GuiltHaunted
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« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2014, 08:40:02 PM »

P.s. ... . feel like I should be on the "undecided" board. But, since she broke off the relationship and had replacement lined up, I am forced to be here on detaching. But it is not of free will, to be honest.
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nownotsure
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« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2014, 10:36:49 PM »

I don't know what to do... . I feel a strong desire to pick up the contact again. Though I am not sure what would be the point. Except, maybe IF she broke off with the replacement and she was too insecure about contacting me, because I specifically told her never to contact me again.

I've only been a few weeks in from breaking up with my ex, but I do know what you're going through. It's so easy to focus on all the good times and forget the real reasons why the relationship ended.

Not sure if this will help, but what stops me from making that call whenever I get the urge: is to remind myself of all the selfish acts, manipulation, lying, raging, ultimatums, etc. that my ex used against me and then ask myself if I really want to return to such a one-sided and abusive relationship. I also find that spending a bit of time reading some of the posts on this board helps ground me back to reality and makes me realize how fortunate I was to get out when I did.

If your ex suffers from BPD, no matter what you do, things will never change unless she's willing to seeks help. Mine sure won't, so I'm thankful she has given me the chance to move on before she attempts to try and recycle me.

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GuiltHaunted
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« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2014, 07:49:02 AM »

My ex is high functional and a waif-type. She was convinced she was suffering ADHD a few months before I left her, but I dismissed it, telling her she was a normal girl who had some bad experiences. During our 4 year relationship I was blind to her inner turmoil. I didn't know about mental illnesses. I think that is why I want back, to prove I can do better with the knowledge I have now.

You might think, well if he didn't experience the thing you mentioned on a grand scale, she is probably not BPD. She did rage, but mostly it was passive-aggressive, like starting a fight and the putting the blame on me, then silent treatment. Yes she would be selfish and manipulative at times too.

She was institutionalized in her teens and on antidepressant meds for years, from teens until age 24, and went to therapy for 10 years. I met her at 23, still on meds, but not in therapy. She was never diagnosed anything other than depression. But I think the BPD was the reason for the depression and someone didn't do their job and dug deeper.

However, as said she wanted to get help for her perceived ADHD and I dismissed it. With all this new found BPD knowledge, I think a second relationship would stand a chance, if I was given the option and she is still open to seeing therapy. My guess, though, is that she has forgotten all about it as she got happiness fix finding replacement... .
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dansure
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« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2014, 09:27:37 AM »

I honestly have trouble understanding people that consider to take their ex with after they were replaced.

I mean if my ex just broke up with me and stayed single after, I would probably have the desire as well to get her back.

But since I know that she is with someone else now and that they started dating two month after we broke up there is NO WAY I would take her back. I would feel disgusted.
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nownotsure
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« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2014, 12:47:36 PM »

I honestly have trouble understanding people that consider to take their ex with after they were replaced.

I have to go with dansure on this. Whether she has BPD or not, never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

IMHO: if you're having problems with the relationship this early in, be thankful you didn't make her the center of your universe, then marry her, have kids, only to wake up one morning 10 years from now to her announcing she found someone else and wants a divorce. If you read some of the posts on this board, you will find this is a common thread involving a spouse with BPD.

So you may want to count yourself lucky that she left before you really got hurt.

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tango1492
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« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2014, 09:20:06 AM »

I feel everything that you're saying! My uBPDex boyfriend and I have been NC for 6 weeks but broken up for 8 months. I told him never to contact me again and even changed my email and phone number. Yet I wish he'd contact me and tell me he wanted me back etc. He did that a few times before though and every time ended up backing out. So finally I got fed up. I do check his dating site profiles and FB sometimes but don't see much on his

FB bc of his privacy settings. I just totally understand what you're saying about wishing they'd contact you anyway and come back and have changed and have missed you and be ready to sweep you off your feet. What a fantasy! Likely will never come true though. Like I said, my ex did contact me and every time I thought it was going to be the time that he would follow thru but he never did and it just hurt me and got my hopes up over and over. Now I realize as hard as it is I just have to stay NC so I can finally heal and move on with my life. I'm still pining and think about him daily. But I have no power over him or what he decides. I'm sure he's seeing someone right now anyway. Maybe if they don't work out, I'll hear from him. But then I'd just be his back up plan and who wants that. I think the only way to get over it is for them to be out of your life permanently.  If he and I were both single in 5 yrs and ran into each other, with the chemistry and passion we had, I think we'd just respark and be hooked in again like addicts. Hence why I don't see every having him in my life again. I don't think I'd ever get over him if we were in touch.
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GuiltHaunted
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« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2014, 02:57:08 PM »

Dan and NSS, that are your moral values, and I don't share them. My ex had sex before we met, I didn't date a virgin. And that she again has sex with someone else is not a big problem for me, in terms of possible reconciliation.

Tango, it looks like we are at a similar place. Except, my ex immediately started a new relationship and have given me no verbal hopes of getting back together in the 10 months we have been apart. Back to Dan and NSS's point, what is unacceptable for me, is that my ex gave her heart to someone else. Hence, the "fantasy" (as you say), that she would return and say that her heart the whole time still belonged to me. Like you said, I too don't think I will ever really get over her. The longing would probably diminish through NC and happiness IS slowly returning... and I am sure I would be happy with someone else along the line. When that happens, I truly hope that I will never hear from her again - because I really wouldn't want to risk to have to face that "test", if I am in a happy relationship with someone else.

Also, my ex is 28. And she desperately wanted children. I know, from communication that she had with her brother (that I got my hands on, early after the breakup), that she already a few month into the relationship with the replacements, wanted to have children with him. So, hypothetically, if I ran into her in 5 years, and she was single and had kinds - it would break my heart. Because those would have supposed to be my children and not some strangers.
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tango1492
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« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2014, 04:00:59 PM »

Yes GuiltHaunted-

I hear what you're saying... . about the kids thing too. My ex did get a replacement quickly but they split after 3 months in part because he kept contacting me and wasn't over me. But the last time we had contact 6 weeks ago he told me he wanted to marry me, have a baby with me, etc... .

then he freaked out, told me he can't be a dad, that he'll always have depressive episodes in which he feels no connection to anyone etc and he backed out. Then a couple days later he was on match.com advertising for a relationship and saying in his profile that he wants a family and kids. Anyway, we've been NC for 6 weeks and I think it may stick. I'm sure he's with someone already from the dating site. I agree that it would probably be a really hard thing to face if I was in a relationship----him coming back, saying the right things, etc and then having to make a choice. And I agree with you about the sex thing too. I know he's slept with at least one person. But if he's told someone else that he loves her... . that's what would hurt the worst. Best thing is to try to let it go I think. And 6 weeks isn't that long. For all I know, even though it doesn't seem like it now, I'll be well over it in a year for example. Though we had such a strong bond that it's hard to imagine that it would ever really be gone no matter how much time were to pass.
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GuiltHaunted
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« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2014, 05:50:36 PM »

I think their bond is gone. We are the ones left to still feel this way. I don't mean to discourage you, but I am almost 3 months NC, and today I am having a really rough day, thinking a lot about her, and what is going on in her life. I didn't think that is would last this long for me either.

The breakup was 10 months ago and she had replacement lined up, and afaik is still with him. He was her sister's ex-bf of several years, so she knew him quite well. I am sure that she says "I love you" to him now and that she has been doing so for probably 8 months. The pattern of my ex's previous relationship were 2-4 years, me probably being the longest. So, given that they knew each other in advance and that he may be a more tolerant guy than I, they could stick together for years. That is why I after 7 months decided to go NC, because I couldn't handle to stick around to possibly witness them getting married and have children, before the inevitable breakup... . which I am sure will come down the line.

The problem is her age, and the replacement probably is looking to make a family too. I just hope that he is sensible enough NOT to get her pregnant.

I feel a strong need to intervene, though I am not sure how.
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