will my ex's next relationship work?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

So I knew this girl for the last 13 years. I was her 1st love (her words) and we have been together 6 times over those years. We just spent the last year together again. I left her in 2008 because of her substance abuse but let her come back in 2012 because she said she had changed.

It didn't take long to figure out this was untrue. She was drinking but then she got back into cocaine and pills. She went into a downward spiral that led to her losing 3 jobs, going on stress leave and moving in with me. She lost all motivation and fell into a depression.

Last October she decided I was cheating on her and the fireworks began. She became very destructive and physically abusive and I had to ask her to leave 3 times. All 3 times she threatened to kill herself and the 3rd time she actually called me up to make me listen as she cut her wrist. I called 911 and they came for her but let her out of the hospital the next day and she immediately came home. I let her stay but nothing changed. I never did cheat on her but nothing I did or said could convince her.

She eventually admitted herself to a mental health unit and was diagnosed BPD. Finally, after all these years, her craziness made sense. When I started reading up on it it seemed they wrote these things with her in mind. After she got out we got her into rehab for 6 weeks. 2 weeks after she was out she accused me of cheating again and moved out.

From that point on things degenerated further. She called me from the airport telling me she loved me but was going home. The next week she called crying that she missed me. Less than a month later she called to tell me she missed me but was dating and sent me a headless pic of some muscle guy and said she was going to have so much fun (that was it for me. I finally snapped on her and told her off. Not proud of it but I reached my breaking point). She contacted me last week and was rubbing it in my face that she found a better man than me.

She has also gone back to work, gone vegan and has been exercising. She blames everything on me and doesn't seem to accept the BPD diagnosis but is staying sober.

What I can't get off my mind is what if she finally fixes herself and can have a healthy relationship now? Will the things she's doing be enough to stabilize her? I know the last year has been rough but she's never been like that as long as I've known her.She is 29 now and a friend of hers and I both agree this is the worst she been. Isn't this suppose to get better with age?  Is a 6 week rehab program enough to keep her clean after a decade long habit?

I'm trying to concentrate on me but I'm haunted by these thoughts. I loved her many times over the years and I feel cheated. I wish I was in a place to wish her health and happiness no matter what but I'm angry. Why should she be with someone else after all the time I've put in?

[Stephen19]

Hi,

So I knew this girl for the last 13 years. I was her 1st love (her words) and we have been together 6 times over those years. We just spent the last year together again. I left her in 2008 because of her substance abuse but let her come back in 2012 because she said she had changed.

It didn't take long to figure out this was untrue. She was drinking but then she got back into cocaine and pills. She went into a downward spiral that led to her losing 3 jobs, going on stress leave and moving in with me. She lost all motivation and fell into a depression.

Last October she decided I was cheating on her and the fireworks began. She became very destructive and physically abusive and I had to ask her to leave 3 times. All 3 times she threatened to kill herself and the 3rd time she actually called me up to make me listen as she cut her wrist. I called 911 and they came for her but let her out of the hospital the next day and she immediately came home. I let her stay but nothing changed. I never did cheat on her but nothing I did or said could convince her.

She eventually admitted herself to a mental health unit and was diagnosed BPD. Finally, after all these years, her craziness made sense. When I started reading up on it it seemed they wrote these things with her in mind. After she got out we got her into rehab for 6 weeks. 2 weeks after she was out she accused me of cheating again and moved out.

From that point on things degenerated further. She called me from the airport telling me she loved me but was going home. The next week she called crying that she missed me. Less than a month later she called to tell me she missed me but was dating and sent me a headless pic of some muscle guy and said she was going to have so much fun (that was it for me. I finally snapped on her and told her off. Not proud of it but I reached my breaking point). She contacted me last week and was rubbing it in my face that she found a better man than me.

She has also gone back to work, gone vegan and has been exercising. She blames everything on me and doesn't seem to accept the BPD diagnosis but is staying sober.

What I can't get off my mind is what if she finally fixes herself and can have a healthy relationship now? Will the things she's doing be enough to stabilize her? I know the last year has been rough but she's never been like that as long as I've known her.She is 29 now and a friend of hers and I both agree this is the worst she been. Isn't this suppose to get better with age?  Is a 6 week rehab program enough to keep her clean after a decade long habit?

I'm trying to concentrate on me but I'm haunted by these thoughts. I loved her many times over the years and I feel cheated. I wish I was in a place to wish her health and happiness no matter what but I'm angry. Why should she be with someone else after all the time I've put in?

[Fool for Love]

Well ... From the story that you just wrote ... Do you want her back ? Do you want to continue living like that ? If she has been like that since you have known her , do you really think it will work with someone else ? I would bet the odds that she won't change ... But you never know ... You need to start thinking about your healing and stop obsessing about her ... It's not helping you ... I know the pain is great ... And you are hurt ... Your mind and body are so use to the drama that right now you don't know how to see clearly ... Just breath ... Get out ... Keep yourself busy ...

[restoredsight]

What I can't get off my mind is what if she finally fixes herself and can have a healthy relationship now? Will the things she's doing be enough to stabilize her? I know the last year has been rough but she's never been like that as long as I've known her.She is 29 now and a friend of hers and I both agree this is the worst she been. Isn't this suppose to get better with age?  Is a 6 week rehab program enough to keep her clean after a decade long habit?

It's not you. Someone else is not better than you. Someone else is just another symptom.

Oh, and the blame is another indicator that nothing is better. Borderlines try on lifestyles like coats. Eventually the novelty wears off. It won't fill the void. 

Quitting drugs is fine and good, but the reasons behind the drug use remains.

As for getting better with age, all I've read is that the ones that do that are just changing modes. They collapse under the weight of all that failure and become a hermit. That's not better. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Stephen19,

It is harrowing to go through a suicide attempt of someone you love, and I'm so sorry you had to endure that.  Feeling cheated and angry is so understandable, especially as is appears that your ex is now doing well and is happy.  Many of us here have felt the same way.

I'm glad to hear that your ex is doing better, and treatment for BPD requires a steadfast commitment and time.  Six weeks of recovery sounds short to me as well.  The bottom line is that if she is not actively in therapy for BPD and working on her recovery, it is very likely that similar behaviors will resurface when the honeymoon period wears off.  If she hasn't accepted the diagnosis, I assume she isn't in therapy for BPD?

Your feelings are natural and there is nothing wrong with them.  They will pass.  

Do you have a support system, like friends or family, or a therapist Stephen19?  

Keep writing, we're here for you.  

[myself]

Mental illness does not go away just because someone is in a new relationship. Disruptive patterns do not go away just because someone is in a new relationship. Being in a new r/s, but "rubbing it in the face" of the past partner does not show that the new r/s is going very well. If there even is a new r/s. Being honest doesn't always happen overnight, either. If it hurts to hear from her, why hear from her?

[Stephen19]

After our last contact I deactivated that email account. Talking to her just causes me pain and nothing I say to defend myself actually works so I'm done. There's nothing more I can do and I need to focus solely on me.

These thoughts and questions keep circling through my head though. I'm seeing acounselor but I am still having trouble detaching and letting her go. As horrible as things turned out we have a lot of great memories from over the years. Part of me wonders what the future will bring but I'm trying to haul my attention back to the present.

[24/7/30]

I too wonder all the time if my ex will find someone that "can do it," can finally be enough and do everything right, and be so wonderful that they will never be accused of having an affair, or that they answer questions too slow, or they call often enough when separated, or clean up well enough, or drive smooth enough, or do the wash well enough, or cook well enough, or do anything right ever. 

I think I answered my own question... . but I still wonder.  Being with a BPD person messes with your head so much that even after intellectually knowing it is not going to work out, you still wonder, still have them so far under your skin... .

[momtara]

They don't change in a new relationship.  They just hide things at first.  Maybe someday someone will invent a drug that actually does help BPD. 

[push pull]

I haven't been on these boards for a long time, but let me tell you, they might make out to everyone that they are smitten with their new loves, but are they hell!

Edited for privacy reasons:  My ex made out to everyone on FB that she had never been more happier in her life (all an attempt to get me jealous), but I discovered a blog of hers which said that her relationship has been hell from start to finish.

So, no matter how tempeting it is to believe in the illusory world which they present to everyone on FB or otherwise, don't buy into any of it. Not a single word. These people NEVER change and will continue destroying other people's lives for the rest of their lives.

And one more thing to take into account, OP; normal, rational and respectful people would never psychologically torture another human being. These people gaslight you, so that you start to believe that it is your fault, but it is NOT. I reiterate: normal, rational and respectful people would never psychologically torture another human being. if they do that, then they are sick, period. And this is what BPD's are and that's why they do these things.

[momtara]

Well said, PushPull.

[Stephen19]

God I'm glad I came across this site. You folks have been very helpful and I appreciate it...

I really did care about this woman but what happened was insane. She blamed me but I see now that I don't have to torture myself. The cutting, violence and accusations were not my fault. I didn't cheat and I was good to her. Her actions and suicide attempts were keeping me hostage and now that she's gone I am free. I do wonder what will become of her but, ultimately, its none of my business

[expos]

Stephen19,

Have you ever watched The Biggest Loser?  They send a bunch of overweight people to a bootcamp of sorts where, at the end, they showcase all the weight they have lost.  Everyone looks amazing and so happy in the end!  The bootcamp serves as a trigger for them to get their act together, but what happens when they leave the bootcamp?  As you can imagine, A LOT of them pile back on the weight again because they don’t have the will power or ability to hold it all together and keep that way of living going.   It is an extraordinary set of circumstances, and because the bootcamp is new, and it is an environment they must adapt to or they will be removed from the show. 

When she met you it was a trigger.  People with BPD have zero core personality, but they know when they meet an amazing person, and they try emulate them.   You are probably and incredible individual with an ability to love.   So she mirrored you.  But they can’t keep this charade going because it is too much work emotionally, and they fall a part and blame and destroy you because of their shortcomings.

This is what is going on with your ex.  The new guy, or circumstance, served as a trigger for her to fix herself.  But it won’t be permanent.  Her new self is only temporary.   Pretty soon, it will unravel and that downward spiral will continue again for her.   She will get depressed again, take it out on her new guy, and he will go through all the misery that you went through.   I will put money on it.


You need to ask yourself this:  Do you want to call 911 again to bail her out?  Do you want her to throw punches at you?  Do you want her to be emotionally abusive to you when all you wanted to do was help her?  What exactly has she done FOR YOU?  Any person with boundaries is going to bail on this type of relationship.  You need to realize that you did the right thing by telling her off and getting rid of her.

Let me give you a brief story.  I was married to someone with BPD.  When she met me, she was about 40 lbs overweight, but amazing and very charming in the beginning.  To seduce me, she dropped all of her weight and became very beautiful and I fell in love with her.  We married, and once the novelty wore off, she went off the deep end and did all of that crazy BPD stuff and gained all 40 lbs back.  When we separated, she lost the 40 lbs again because she found a new guy to seduce before we actually divorced.   Do you see a pattern here?   This is a sign of a WACK JOB.

What I’m telling you is that she will not change.  BPD is a disorder that will get worse with time and without proper treatment.   F*** this woman.  She sucks, and her rubbing her new relationship in your face says a lot about her and her total lack of remorse and character.

Don’t be a white knight and try to save this woman either.  Giving yourself to her shows that you have no boundaries and you are glutton for punishment.   Your time is best spent getting into a new, healthy relationship with someone who cares about you and sees how much you have to offer as a person.   A good woman will see this in you and treat you like a king.   

The best way to get back at her?  Totally ignore her.  Forever.  It will destroy her to know that you moved on and you aren’t a whipping boy for her anymore. 

[bossanover]

The best way to get back at her?  Totally ignore her.  Forever.  It will destroy her to know that you moved on and you aren’t a whipping boy for her anymore. 

expos, your posts are solid gold boss. Cheers

[heartandwhole]

There's nothing more I can do and I need to focus solely on me.

This is the key. 

These thoughts and questions keep circling through my head though. I'm seeing acounselor but I am still having trouble detaching and letting her go. Part of me wonders what the future will bring but I'm trying to haul my attention back to the present.

Great Stephen19.  Keep seeing the counselor and staying in the present as much as possible. Detachment can be very difficult, there's no doubt. It certainly was for me.  The rewards of peace and self-esteem are worth it.

The more you focus on you, and what you want and need, the faster you will get through it.  She is not the remedy for the pain, you are.