I made a list...

[itsnotme567]

I kinda have summed it all down to just one thing:

BPD's simply take the 'fun' out of life.

You can take your whole list of crap and condense it down to the above statement.

I know this is not my board... .

I have my own list too, quite long.

But do you really think their life is just FUN?

No i don't think their life is just fun acting happy may just be a cover for whats going on inside her.

[Stjarna]

Partial list:

Yelled and screamed at me all the way to our wedding in another state because he had forgotten the hotel his mother would be staying at and did not know how to contact her (he was under 21 and needed his mother's signature to get a marriage license).  This is the first time I wanted to bail, but I felt there was no way out and so endured, and I think this is where my walls around myself started their foundation.  I was 17, and pregnant, parents had banned me from my family home.  This was long enough ago that there was not as much social support for young mothers. 

I tried to leave once when my first daughter was 3, and he broke into my mother's house and took her would not tell me where she was and that I would never see her again if I didn't go back.

Broke several items of mine over the years, my Depression glass collection, many of my record albums, various household items including a new microwave (back in the day when they were a major purchase), a television.

Humiliated us in front of neighbors and family by constantly yelling and screaming.

If I made the wrong thing for dinner, something he didn't feel like eating that night, he would dump it out and force me to make something different, many times hurling entire serving dishes full of food across the kitchen, breaking them.

Threats, constant threats.

Yelling, constant yelling, humiliating, degrading, belittling.  Over the silliest things, over nothing.

These, exactly:

Kept me awake at nights, and then complained about always being tired

Hated me going to therapy and caused trouble when I did

Many, many more, so many.  I find it amazing that it took me so long to really detach from him.  I think that process is nearing completion.  Finally.

[drxap]

My BPD exgf never had a problem with me seeing counselors, but that was probably because it never empowered me.

I was in group therapy before I started couples counseling. My group hated what I was going through and I found myself trying to defend her most of the time. Its crazy how I justified things even when everything was so obvious to other people at the time. I was trying to figure out what I was doing wrong in the r/s and nobody could tell me.

Couples counseling was never productive and only gave her ways to control me much more easily than she ever had before.

[itsnotme567]

I tried to get my stbxuBPDw to go to counseling she said no. I asked if she thought it would help if I went by my self she said I could try but i didn't need to since shes been telling me whats wrong with me all along.

[tinkerbell09]

I'm new here... and wow! Your list made the hairs on my neck stand up!

The cheating... the "you're abusing me, I'm only taking up for myself"... the unending drama and chaos. The lying... god, the lying! The feelings of "Am I crazy?... is it in MY head?" The relentless need to have attention from any female that would give it... and then compare me to them, saying they "gave" him more then I did.

The "suicide attempts"... . the trouble with friends.

I'm new here... but like I said... . WOW... . your list could easily be my list.

[ScotisGone74]

Lol-    her telling me that "if you d just marry me I wouldn't be this way".  Or "if you d just get me pregnant I wouldn't act like this".   Sheesh the sick part is she did some 'volunteer work' a couple  hours every month or two so she could appear more normal and would tellme to start an argument that 'I told this fat old lady today at the free clinic what a lardass she is and how she needs to stop eating immediately'. Then she would say "I've been doing volunteer work to help people that's more than you ve ever done".    My response 'I work full time raise my kid and take care of you'.   

In addition there were more 'emergencies' than I can count that always required my immediate attention.    Numerous ghost illnesses or medical problems.    A fake pregnancy.    Constantly running her family and any 'friends' into the ground.    No ability to be happy in her own skin without flirting around with men.       And this all had me worn the heck out after 2.5 years.     Honestly can not begin to imagine any longer than that.     

Tell me again what was soon appealing about these people?

[Tolou]

Good Way to vent!

Knocked on my door- when I opened threw a bottle in my face (she took half the bottle and overdosed) because I said we should see eachother a little less, I was about to start school (mind you we saw eachother at work every day!)

multiple attmepts and threats of suicide, all wouldn't have happened IF I really loved her.

borrowed money for to repair her home, a few weeks later goes on a shopping spree at Macy's, never retuned a dime.

Paitned me black at work, I was a horror, mean ass- and she was the victim -What the heck, couldnt have tried to be any more understanding.

Called me so much after I tried to go NC, changed my number.

Lied about having CANCER-What the heck who does that?

said I said things that she said, while swearign I said them?

threw tantrums, walked into ongoing traffic because I asked to leave my home after she came unwelcomed and unwanted, I could add some more stuff... .

WOW... . what did I get myself into with that one?

[Surnia]

WOW... . what did I get myself into with that one?

Good question! 

Another view on it could be: What exactly brought you clarity or awareness about your own values?

For example in my case: I don't want to be with someone with drug problems. 

[itsnotme567]

I course I've been accepting some behavior i should not of like the lying. I knew she lied from the start but believed her when she told me she would never lie to me. The way she lies to her son and daughter its no wonder she thinks everything i tell her is a lie.

[Tolou]

Surnia... .

True, for me Ijust didn't want to be w/.someone who I didn't feel I could trust.  Sure I can take of someone when they need me to, but I have my needs to.

[Phoenix.Rising]

For example in my case: I don't want to be with someone with drug problems. 

I don't want to be with someone who is an active alcoholic.

[losingconfidence]

I like this thread.

Here's mine for my ex. Her diagnoses was BPD but I sometimes wonder if she was a narcissist or maybe antisocial.

- Cyber-stalked me for at least four months before befriending me online in order to memorize my likes and

  dislikes so she could present herself as my long-lost soul mate.

- Impersonated a grieving mother's missing daughter for the sake of gaining that woman's trust and sympathy so

  she could spy on that woman for her abusive mother and control her.

- Refused to show me a picture while we were online-dating while requesting one from me.

- Told me she was in a seriously abusive situation then would just disappear for several days because she didn't

  feel like talking or was busy without even a text to let me know she wasn't dead.

- Put everyone else before me.

- Lied about significant experiences of trauma in her past.

- Ripped me apart for not being Christian and having trouble with religion.

- Insisted on talking about "spirituality" and then would get angry with me any time I said "well I don't really

  believe X because Y" because supposedly I was "refuting" her beliefs which was unacceptable.

- Was friends with a girl who abused others.

- Was friends with and enabled a lot of abusive and mean-spirited people who were doing cruel and horrible

  things to others.

- Peed all over my floor.

- Peed in my bed.

- Had some kind of a urinary disorder she refused to go to a doctor for, then judged me when I didn't run to the

  doctor every time I ran a low fever.

- Would actively try to drive other people to suicide.

- Accused ME of being borderline when I told her that her behavior was triggering memories of my BPD mother.

- Judged me for not going NC with my parents while staying in contact with both her parents after telling me

  they both sexually molested her.

- Went on these moral holier-than-thou rants about how she forgave everyone who ever abused her.

- Kept going on about how she was farther along in her healing than I was.

- Self-harmed to manipulate others.

- Used self-injury as an excuse to drop out of high school and then would be livid when people refused to see

  her once a week therapy as EQUAL to a high school education in terms of time-commitment.

- Actively encouraged me to commit social security fraud.

- Collected disability checks claiming she was "too mentally ill" to work (bs) and insisted that calling their office

  ONCE PER MONTH was as stressful and difficult for her as a full-time job was for a normal person.

- Decided she would never work until she "felt like it" because the government and I should take care of her.

- Referred to the house that I put a lot of effort into finding for us that she approved of initially as a "hit hole."

- Continually used disgusting language like "kiss my white ass."

- Wrote out these terrifying manifestos of how various people deserved to die slow, torturous deaths.

- Never washed her hands after using the bathroom.

- Told me I didn't deserve to be alive.

- Told me I was depressed and would probably kill myself.

- Enabled and helped someone who actually, seriously wanted to kill me.

- Falsely told numerous people I abused and/or raped her.

- Raped me.

- Raped my headmates (I have DID).

- Bruised me and physically abused me.

- Emotionally abused me.

- Made me submit to these multiple hour long lectures about what a horrible person I was where I had to just

  numbly agree with her or she wouldn't let me leave.

- Essentially held me captive in my own home.

- Was CONSTANTLY panicking and refusing to do anything to control her panic attacks.

- Was constantly either refusing to take her medication or popping pills and blaming me for it.

- Accused numerous innocent people of raping her while defending people who actually were rapists.

- Would tell people lies about me to prevent them from befriending me.

- Lied about who she was, pretending to be someone I loved and lost a long time ago.

- Stole my book.

- Hid her tracks so I had zero validation for many things.

- Convinced my best friend that I was the problem for a long while.

- Put pubic hair in my mouth in my sleep so I woke up choking on bits of it then claimed evil magic caused it.

- Insisted that my friend was possessed by a malevolent demon and that I had to exorcise said friend.

- Demanded that I submit to an exorcism and verbally abused me for not "helping" her exorcise me.

- Pretended NOT to be looking for sex so I would be with her, then raped me.

- Never washed her hands after using the bathroom.

- Would touch shared serving spoons with hands she NEVER washed, ever.

- Blamed my OCD when I didn't want to eat from bags of candy/chips that she had eaten from when she NEVER

  WASHED HER HANDS, ever.

- Left garbage everywhere. Everywhere.

- Continually wasted money by opening sodas and drinking two sips and just leaving mostly full cans everywhere.

- Lied about how much she could financially contribute to our living situation.

- Lied about her religious beliefs.

- Lied about loving me.

- Lied about being okay with who I was.

- Lied about having a high school diploma.

- Lied about having completed a few college courses.

- Told me she had murdered people and didn't love me because I was too weak to kill someone myself.

- Expected me to tell her how beautiful and breathtaking she was despite taking no care of her appearance.

- Would make up these random dances and insist that I believe she used to be an accomplished ballerina even

  though I know ballet well enough to know it was all made-up.

- Faked speaking multiple languages she doesn't actually speak.

- Invited her mother to our house FOR A WEEK without my permission.

- Froze me out emotionally without giving me a reason.

- Made me cook all her meals.

- Was controlling about food and made it difficult for me to eat anything.

- Judged me for having a job when I ought to just become a welfare cheat so I could spend more time with her.

- Tried to force our other roommate to provide for all of us.

- Was such a liar.

- Was IN THERAPY but STILL THIS BAD.

- Used therapy techniques to get even better at manipulating others.

- Manipulates survivors of sexual trauma who are vulnerable into being her friends and lovers.

- Probably cheated on me a lot.

- Would bring up my rapist while we were spending time together that was supposed to be romantic, asking me

  to compare her to my rapist in terms of who was prettier.

- Encouraged me not to fight back when I was in danger.

- Alienated me from my best friend.

- Tried to convince my friend and me that every aspect of our personalities was wrong and that we were

  brainwashed/lied to and knew nothing about ourselves and that she was the only person we could trust.

- Turned everyone against each other then got mad when people relied on her too much.

- Continued to say cruel things about me on the internet for MONTHS after we broke up and probably still would

   if she ever had reason to believe I'd see it.

- Blamed me for my abuse.

- Kept insisting that her trauma was worse than everyone else's.

Yeah I'll stop there for now.

[dansure]

- Lied to me about previous relationships. Told me I am her first boyfriend, had kissing pictures with another guy on her phone.

- Flirted with someone else why staying with me at my exchange destination.

- Refused to be in a relationship on Facebook

- Constantly passiv-aggressive / released her stress on me

- Insulted me and left me on the street during a trip to another city

- Broke up with me over every minor fight and started flirting with other guys in our break up periods

- Withdrew affection and sex

- Yelled at me on the street and left me again standing there

- Spilled shampoo and food over my carpet when she came home with take away food and I already ate

- Criticized me for everything. I ate too loud in her opinion for example

- Told me constantly how she doesn't have anyone in her life except for her mum

- Never genuinely apologized for anything

[Split black]

She broke up with me numerous times showing zero empathy.  Her emotional expression looked like she was telling me that she just finished doing her laundry.  I felt like I didn't exist every time.  Awful.  I will never forget that.  It would almost always catch me off guard, too.  But I started to realize that it would happen shortly after we had a very intimate time together.  And I continued to go back to her over and over.  I have not spoken to her now in almost 2 years.

Did she try to contact you during this time. Was NC your idea?  I want to vomit in my own mouth at the thought of mine with other men. And I want to bash my head into a wall at the thought of this behavior that I accepted. ugh.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Did she try to contact you during this time. Was NC your idea?  I want to vomit in my own mouth at the thought of mine with other men. And I want to bash my head into a wall at the thought of this behavior that I accepted. ugh.

Split black,

During the past 2 years?  She has not tried to contact me that I am aware of.  The last time we spoke on the phone I requested that she not contact me, and I told her that I needed some space.  We had both made similar requests previously.  She ended the relationship several times only to come back, and I ended the relationship a couple of times.  This last time really ended it, and I have since found out that she is married again.  I was really not that surprised.  I pretty much expected it. 

It does not bother me much now to think of her with someone else.  I have let go of a LOT of the hurt and I've accepted that we are not good for each other.  I understand the feeling you express, and I'm sorry you are hurting.  All I can say is that it does slowly get better.  But you have to be willing to do some work on yourself.  Hang in there.   

[corraline]

I don't know for sure if my ex had BPD.

altho as i have mentioned before he wanted to tell me something about him self and was afraid i would go into fear myself and chose not to say anything more.

the following are a few of the things i experienced. keep in mind my ex had a professional back ground in counseling and was in his early 60's  with alot of tools to try to self regulate and on the other hand hide.

Cheating, admitted to always cheating on previous women.

He was constantly on dating sites.

He was  needy for attention especially around attractive women. (admitted this too)

He had impulsive behaviors and acted them out by humiliating me in public or making a public display of attention in grocery stores or banks.

He was inappropriate around children with his language

He felt the world was dangerous and often tried to show me this (watch out for the vampires)

Most people he was in relationship with were either initially the greatest and usually ended up the worst if things did not go well for him

He was in conflict with people often

Had a hard time letting go if there was conflict and would always try to re connect later with them

Tried to show me that i was naive and that other people in my life were not good for me and i should stay away from them. (even my teenage daughter)

Felt that most women were not to be trusted and that i was the "rare" one

Had core wound issues from his mother. Idealized his father.

He broke up with me continually and always worked his way back in with the same tactics

He would be very sensitive to any slight and would go away for days to "take care of himself" (withdraw, silent treatment)

Said he had issues with feeling engulfed or abandoned

He would rage at me calling me alot of abusive things.

He would build me up telling me i was the one he loved the most , trusted the most, everything the most. etc.

Cold , selfish at times

Warm, loving at times

Very controlling

Extremely arrogant

His words rarely matched his actions

Projected alot

He had a history of this kind of drama in his previous relationships (a close friend who knew him for the last 25 years finally told me)


Compulsive lying even about the silliest things

Alcohol abuse

Projecting

Manipulating

Cruelty

Sexually inappropriate and derogatory behavior

I know this is the short list and this is my experience but... .

Anyone care to share if they think i might be on track about BPD?

[Sunny Side]

Anyone care to share if they think i might be on track about BPD?

corraline, my uBPDexgf had many of those traits you listed and many that she did not (at least presenting to me).  It's hard, I think being still so close to the r/s (almost 2 weeks out for me after 14 mos), to have a firm grip on what was real vs. not real, you vs. them, etc.  And I had to ask myself many times what my reasons were for wanting to pin a d/x on her.  That said, I'm 99.9% positive she was/is, though I can't say where she lies on the spectrum.  Many things at the extreme dysregulated end that I have read about I just did not experience with her.  You might ask yourself how many of you BPD's behaviors presented themselves consistently over a period of time during your r/s, as well as what your he may have shared with you about his childhood and r/s experiences in his adulthood.

I do know that early on (1-3 mos) I felt bombarded by so many bizarre behaviors that I just didn't know where to start.  Early on she drank often when she was dysregulated so at first I thought she was an alcoholic (as is her mother).  Then I thought perhaps bipolar, then histrionic.  What finally made sense with BPD was that her behaviors were so specifically in line with all the BPD criteria and with what she shared with me about her FOO experiences and intimate r/s's. 

[corraline]

sunnyside

thanks for your response.  most of the issues i posted were throughout the whole time we were together. Some things got worse near the end. His behavior became bizarre and out of control when mixed with alcohol .   The rage, the splitting and the alcohol issue became more apparent.  I started to feel very unsafe, altho i did not feel emotionally safe throughout.

[AwakenedOne]

Many unacceptable behaviors, but I'll just talk about this one ->

Regarding my career path and income of that career it wasn't good enough for her.

She complained to me that I needed to be the CEO of a large corporation "because most men in the world try to be that". I was told I needed to start pursuing this (I guess she wanted a lot of money). That was some Fantasy Land thinking. I ignored her, should of just left though.

[Vatz]

Yeah I'll stop there for now.

There's more? That's absolutely frightening. Also I noticed some components of antisocial personality disorder, scary stuff.

[day2day]

Blissful, your list is all too familiar. It's almost as though they've been cloned.

[Split black]

Did she try to contact you during this time. Was NC your idea?  I want to vomit in my own mouth at the thought of mine with other men. And I want to bash my head into a wall at the thought of this behavior that I accepted. ugh.

Split black,

  All I can say is that it does slowly get better.  But you have to be willing to do some work on yourself.  Hang in there.   

Thanks man... . Ive been reduced to therapy. Ive been going... . trying to get a grip. This does suck though. Who needs to ever have to feel this way? Im not sure who Im more angry at... . her or myself for allowing her to dig those hooks into me for a year. So stupid.  Im invisible to her... . Ive been hurt before, and Ive left relationships as well... . but being emotionally violated on such a hateful level... . for NO SANE REASON. Is what it is. 

[shatteredheart]

... . Ive been hurt before, and Ive left relationships as well... . but being emotionally violated on such a hateful level... . for NO SANE REASON. Is what it is. 

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL! 100% The level of cruelty, and hurtfulness was off the chain... .

It's unbelievable really!