So can anyone explain this? My exbfwBPD and my relationship grew out of an affair. Both of us were married and with our spouses at the time. His wife knew he had about 6 affairs on her in their 5 year marriage. This was my first.
His wife knew he had 6 affairs in 5 years? Probably not. Chances are this information is highly suspect because it was told to you for a reason. That reason was to undermine his attachment to his wife as though she didn’t care about the affairs, otherwise you might have felt some empathy for her. But if it was true, (given the history,) why did you think that your affair with him was more special than the previous 6? There is a pattern of betrayal of his wife and a high turnover rate of failed relationships. Why did you believe you were different? There is a fantasy at play here and a hope that he will be different with you. This is going to keep you stuck until you change your beliefs.
It takes a long time to detox from the drug-like induced state of being in a fantasy relationship and for it to sink in that the partnership cannot survive a lifelong commitment.
Reality involves tremendous anxiety because you never know where you stand until you realize that in fantasy, you almost always know where you stand and it’s always in future tense, never *now.* Now is over too quickly. Everything is geared toward the next time you meet. Your longing for the future creates the perfect fantasy atmosphere that never happens. Unfortunately, this is also the perfect Petri-dish for a slow, spiritual death because of the secrecy, isolation and shame it brings. Something has to break through your belief system to make you understand this is no way to live.
Fantasy gives you that "high" but it is inauthentic. It places great importance on flattery, beauty, intelligence, or whatever you were told to make you feel that you were more special than these other affairs. That's not to say that you aren't special, but when someone is going overboard on the compliments, you have to question what their motive is. You can also correlate the need to hear these things with the emptiness you felt in your life and more specifically, your marriage. This needs to be addressed.
he claimed he did not move out for me at all. Then 2 weeks later he suddenly felt engulfed and pulled away.
This is not engulfment. An unavailable, married partner rarely causes a fear of engulfment. In fact, this is why many cluster B personalities choose to have affairs with married people in the first place, because there is no honest availability, so there is no fear of becoming too close. There is also no authentic intimacy, because the affair is only serving as a fantasy escape from reality (for both parties.) It does not activate fears of engulfment because there is no attachment when affair partners are already attached to someone else.
Then he returned after a few weeks as we had space. Now he has been silent for 6 weeks as we had an argument... . I am not sure what exactly as there were a few issues but I think it is that I asked for space as we started fighting. I did not mean I was leaving but just some space to cool off and then discuss. Well he went silent for a week and then we spoke for 2 hours on the phone one night and he seemed fine and was asking me to lunch and telling me he had loved me. Then I heard the next day he was actually "moved on" already to some new girl.
Yes, there is a pattern. The best predictor of future behavior is the pattern of past behavior. How many successful relationships should a person have by the time they are an adult? If he were to actually stop these serial affairs, it would mean he would have to address the reasons for the affairs in the first place and why he felt that they were the answer to his woes. The same goes for you. There is a neediness and hunger that needs feeding. People are very useful in that regard. But you cannot expect to have peace in your life when you have so many loose ends that need to be tidied up and your attention is focused on an affair partner who is a poor imitation of flawless character.
So I just called him (and knowing BPD I was very calm) asked him if it was true. He was fine until I asked that. Then he got angry and defensive and said "I do not even know what you speak of and you were never anything to me and we were never anything." Then he hung up and nothing since then despite me trying to figure out what is going on.
Having a conversation with him without reaction isn’t a personal victory- It is deadening yourself to your primal instincts- which should have alerted you long ago to disordered, cruel people and cause you to flee from them. You have a right to be angry as long as it provides you some self preservation and you don’t return for more abuse. Have you understood your anger? Is it helping you detach?
If you think you’re going to sit down and have another “talk” about how he has abandoned you, forget it. These actions involve feelings and they will only be turned against you. You‘ve got to take back the idea that you are different from these other affair partners. He’s cruelly letting you know you are not. As uncomfortable as this may be, it is also a time for introspection. He obviously cannot give you stability, nor should he. If your marriage is over, then take action to end it on your own, not because you have found someone new to move on to. This will be your greatest life challenge to date and only you can accomplish this. There is no room for bargaining.
I was upset initially and I hate silent treatment and he knows I am a communicator so it irks me.
This isn’t silent treatment. You cannot afford to waste your time waiting on a man who tells you point blank that you don’t matter to him. It is over. You’ve got to turn your attention to what you want from life from now on, not from him.
There is a reason he is a serial philanderer. No story with a serial philanderer ever has a happy ending, so get rid of the fantasy that you are the one who will change him and he is the one who will come and rescue you from your marriage. It's not going to happen. That fantasy is over. I know it hurts, but as they say, these things never end well. You will heal faster if you let go and stop waiting for his next move to hurt you more.
At any rate if he was really afraid of being alone, why leave the stability of the spouse (despite he could not stand her and cheated constantly and was forced into couples counselling with her that he hated as he did not even want to be near her)?
I’m certain she would have a different story. What you fail to realize is that you and she are very much in the same boat and are currently having the same outcome.
So my exbfwBPD actually moved out of his house into his own place by himself. So if they are afraid or abandonment why do that and be alone? if he were truly afraid to be alone would putting up with the spouse and staying there not be better?
You are projecting yourself onto him in a way that speaks volumes. There was a reason that you did not leave your marriage and chose, instead to have an affair. What would be the answer if we take your own question and ask it of yourself? “At any rate if I was really afraid of being alone, why leave the stability of my spouse (despite I could not stand him and cheated)?”
Indeed. You straddle both worlds yet cannot commit to either. Perhaps this is an awakening for you to begin to work on your marriage or to make arrangements to move out, divorce and be alone. I hope you are able to resist the impulse to continue waiting for this Man to come and make that decision for you. You will never get what you want and need from him. You will not get respect, safety, love nor commitment- it’s not his to give. You are going to have to give it to yourself.
When you eliminate the need for disorder in your life, it makes a space for kind, nurturing people to enter.
Make the space for real love and kindness to come into your life.
It does exist ... . really.
But first, stop waiting for him.
