GuiltHaunted,
I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Detaching is hard, and some days are just terrible. I remember feeling that way, too.
I didn't see her since July last year. Somehow it feels like I can't close this chapter before I meet her face to face again. I have been in NC since the end of December. I don't know if it would be wise for me to resume contact with her or not.
Have you thought about your reasons for wanting to contact/see her again? Do you think it will give you closure, so that you can move on in your life, or do you deep down wish to restart a relationship with her?
Feel your feelings and think carefully about what is behind this urge before acting on it. Keep the focus on you, it will help you detach. From Stage number 2 on the right panel–––––––––––>
Start by probing the feelings and the thoughts that drive the desire or grief or hopelessness in your consciousness, perhaps naming it to yourself (e... g., fear, weakness, disappointment, false hope, etc), and gradually come to understand who you are, who you have been. Explore the energy in the feelings. As you go deeper into this energy, its knotty, sticky quality will start to dissolve—for the time being.Can you do something wonderful just for yourself on her birthday? See some friends?
We're here for you.