Sex with BPD

[cron65]

My ex BPD was okay in bed... not a sexual diva. She always said how I did everything to perfection. That she had never had better. She even commented that my member was perfection... the best she had ever had.

My question is... has and does she say that to all the boys?

[Mutt]

My question is... has and does she say that to all the boys?

I'm not sure that I would worry about that.

I would focus on you, right now, not on her past intimate encounters, or future ones.

[winston72]

Hey Cron65!  Of course this is not a question that anyone can answer, yourself included.  Perhaps you could frame for us what you want to know.  Are you wondering if you were special to her?  Are you wondering if you mattered?  Better yet, what feelings within you led to asking this question?

[cron65]

I know who I am... I'm not the one with the illness... but yes I do want to know... . does she say that to all the boys... . I'd like to know...

[cron65]

why can't someone answer this? A part of me wants to believe that there was something real about us... or was it all a fog in her eyes?

[Confused?]

U said it yourself. She wasn't great in bed. How can she make herself look better than by complimenting you? She says that to every guy. Mine said the same thing. My member was huge it's the biggest she has ever had. He compliments were easy and made me feel even better even tho she did nothing but tell a lie like the whole relationship was based on.

[GreenMango]

Unless you interview all her past sexual partners and ask there's no way for any of us to know.

If she did tell them all that then what?

[Lion Fire]

hahaha, this is hilarious!

my exBPD was a sex pest :-) She would insist on sex and throw tantrums if I wasn't in the mood.

She also gave me the "best and biggest, most perfect member ever", that I was the first man she had ever fantasized about etc... :-D ... . I doubted this because I had a good clue that she has had many many partners and told her that. She said I need therapy because I cannot take a compliment. She fluctuated between telling me i was her best ever lover to "our sex life is terrible" and "I need a real man to f**k me" when I wasn't seduced by her. this was by far her biggest trigger.She labelled me as being sexually dysfunctional and damaged to my core by trauma.Sex had a disproportionate importance, she would crumble if I "rejected" her. It was like her greatest weapon, her main currency, had less value and power and this would destroy her self esteem. She would ask me to sexualise her, to lust over her. She told me to try to have sex with her even if she was going to say no because that would make her feel special and wanted. Sex became fraught for me and I felt so much under pressure that I would struggle to perform... . this would make things worse and would always be followed by an emotional eruption of abuse and insults.

Although she is probably the most beautiful and sexy woman I have ever been with, I became less attracted to her sexually because of the torrid nature of her sexuality. She admitted to masturbating for days at a time.

It was frightening for me. tbh, i feel damaged after this experience and I'm 45!

Damn! Some serious sickness going on there.

[winston72]

Cron, people who suffer from the traits defined by this disorder are individuals with diverse personalities.  It is described as a spectrum disorder with a range of intensity for the various behaviors.  In other words, you cannot apply some BPD interpretative system to her and come up with an answer as to what she says/said to anyone else. 

You know her and nobody on this board knows her.  You are best suited to answer that question.  What is your answer?

[Confused?]

Mine would get pissed too if I wasn't in the mood. She would say I don't love her and stuff like that. We would argue then have make up sex. It's amazing to think of all the bs that I went through. She would I always say she wanted to please me. She would start something then ask if we could have sex. I would get mad cuz she said she was going to do for me then she wanted me to do stuff for her. They are all about themselves.

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes they are all for themselves. I would say she says that to all the boys. It's part of the idealisation.

[AwakenedOne]

My ex told me often that I had the body of a Greek god. I was perfect she said... . After being painted black she then told me how ugly I was in many ways also often, it was like now she thought I was Quasimodo. Can't answer for you if yours was for real or not. Who knows, just look at my experience.

P.S. I must log out now and return to the Notre-Dame Cathedral and my lonely life there as the bell-ringer.

AO

[Fool for Love]

All you have to do is remember ... They live in the moment ... And they are very good at putting you on a pedalstal ... Mine use to tell me "I have never done that with another man " I didn't pay much attention to that ... Because she was pretty good an what she did ... When the replacement said she met hi at a Hotel and he said what she did , I told her about it ... She said he was lying so I hate to bust your bubble or ego but she probably did tell others the same thing ... But who cares ? You said she wasn't very good ... Did you tell her she wasn't very good in bed ? Or did you fib a little bit to make her feel good ?

[coolioqq]

I would not trust either the good or bad things they say. It's most likely coming from them constantly operating on the attract/repel borderline (no pun intended.)

It's very important not to let others define you, sexually or not. Especially someone with BPD. The consequences of that can be detrimental (experienced it first hand - read about the effects of PTSD on sex life.)

[Mutt]

I would not trust either the good or bad things they say. It's most likely coming from them constantly operating on the attract/repel borderline (no pun intended.)

It's very important not to let others define you, sexually or not. Especially someone with BPD. The consequences of that can be detrimental (experienced it first hand - read about the effects of PTSD on sex life.)

That' a really good point coolioqq. Don't let others define you. Maybe there's self-esteem issues? Food for thought.

[AG]

Cron I thought of this as well. They lie so much its kind of hard to tell what is true and what is not. Truths on top of lies and lies on top of truths. Honestly speaking If you really want to know the answer to this then cross reference your past experiences and what those have said with her words. I think it would have to be very specific though. Like for example without getting too graphic my ex used to say how she liked a certain something or should I say somethings (procreational tools) slapping up against her while in missionary position and alot of other women have made the same comment with me. There are other comments that are very specific to my body type and style of sex that have been commented by many. I would only believe the ones that are extremely specific and said by others as well only because they are pathological liars and it seems they will say just about anything to get into your good graces. If I were you I would really try to steer clear of these sexual thoughts and reminiscing of whether shes lying about things or not in regards to performance. I know for me I literally cannot even watch porno at this point without getting nauseous. Almost anything sexually related makes me think of some other guy banging her. That is just me though and my emotional/mind state but if you must debate this in your mind then I think the only thing that can be taken for face value or even considered face value are the very specifics that others have said as well. Just my opinion though. It's really amazing as to why or how they can lie so damn much.

[blueman54321]

It's impossible to tell the lies from the truth mate, so don't bother. This is exactly why it's so psychologically traumatising when they eventually discard you, as your self esteem plummets when you realise potentially nothing she ever told you was true, and you'll never get to know what was, or what wasn't.

They build you up;

They shut you down;

Then they leave.

It is one of the worst experiences outside of serious illness or death, that I believe you can experience. Makes you feel like nothing, worthless, unlovable.

Ruminating over what was true or not will just lead to obsession, and in that way they still have control over you. It's best to just focus on yourself, build yourself up, love yourself, so it can't happen again.

[cron65]

I hear you... it's leaves a ___ty taste in my mouth... hard to accept... does feel like a death... real mind fhit

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I must admit, I did tell my exBP male partner that I loved his 'equipment'. and that it was perfect etc. And I really did!

I would never say anything like that to someone if I didn't mean it.

I even said once, (jokingly) that I wanted a replica of it for my mantel, how bad is that?

I also noticed, that he was always fishing for compliments about his equipment, and really lapped up me telling him his was great. He would put on this baby type little boys voice when he was asking me too, (usually before or after making love).

And after I would tell him it was great, perfect etc, he would agree with me anyway, that he knew he was 'blessed' in that department. So why keep asking me then?

Then he would tell me how great my feminine bits were, blah blah blah... It really was nice, but talked about or brought up a little too often for a man who acted like he was 'above all that immature ego stuff'.

He would also tell me that he didn't want me to think it was all about sex with our relationship etc, (yea really, wow?) then proceed to want to make love 5 days out of 7, even after keeping me awake all night prior, (his being upset again!), or starting a fight with me etc. Given we are in our mid 40's, and I didn't get on his case when he didn't 'feel like it', I would have thought that these issues could have been resolved.

I heard the line about how he doesn't always want to make love, and really prefers cuddling etc, yet he only really seemed to cuddle me more after we had made love, or before. So I guess I found that one a little hard to believe, yea.

But with a Borderline, nothing ever does get resolved or moved on from.

Why I wasted 4 years of my life, (well technically 2 really since it took 2 years to figure out he had BPD from my own Doctor) I will spend forever kicking myself for.

No, probably not, but the frustration at myself might take a fair while to work through, and don't even go near the level of frustration I have for him!

Arghhh

I just heard from him today, after a month of silent treatment. I had gone NC on him because he kept refusing to respect my personal boundaries, at home or at work, (he was pestering/trying to start fights with me at work every few days, and every few days at home too). He was loud, aggressive, insulting and abusive, and it didn't matter how many times I stated I wouldn't tolerate it or buy into it, he just kept on doing it.

If I left or refused to engage him, he would only amp up his abuse, often ending in screaming at me in public places, (work!) home, or damaging my property too. Or others.

We had spotlights around my home, and he broke 3 of them off, (simply because he didn't like them being there).

Among other things!

I could go on forever, but since this post is about sex, and isn't about me, I better stop.

Sorry guys, I should have hung up my mobile today, engaging in a conversation with exBP has set me back onto ruminations again.

ARggghhhhh