A bit of truth

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I managed to get this out of her before this latest withholdment, it was probably because she wanted something from me but I like to think it was just because she knows she is a f**king b*tch. And she does, she seems to be reveling in it, like it's a a way to excuse her mad, deranged callous behaviour, because deep down she knows it is majorly f*ked up.

"why?

you have no need to be ashamed, none of this was your fault really"

Even though the "really" part really devalues the statement, I'll take some happiness in the fact it probably was really really ___ing hard for her to muster it out of her lieing, whoring mouth.

After this the conversation derailed into drivel and she got more and more angry before blocking me, threatening to report me to the police for harassment, and initiating NC.

She started the conversation, and when she did not get what she wanted, the real her showed through.

[blueman54321]

I managed to get this out of her before this latest withholdment, it was probably because she wanted something from me but I like to think it was just because she knows she is a f**king b*tch. And she does, she seems to be reveling in it, like it's a a way to excuse her mad, deranged callous behaviour, because deep down she knows it is majorly f*ked up.

"why?

you have no need to be ashamed, none of this was your fault really"

Even though the "really" part really devalues the statement, I'll take some happiness in the fact it probably was really really ___ing hard for her to muster it out of her lieing, whoring mouth.

After this the conversation derailed into drivel and she got more and more angry before blocking me, threatening to report me to the police for harassment, and initiating NC.

She started the conversation, and when she did not get what she wanted, the real her showed through.

[Mutt]

What did you say in your conversation to trigger her?

[fromheeltoheal]

the real her showed through.  Or it was all the real her.  The acceptance of a little responsibility, or at least the statement of it, could have been that little tidbit of validation that you needed to keep you hooked on the relationship, the addiction, so you'll tolerate all the rest in hopes of being thrown another bone at some random time in the future.  It seems malicious, until you accept the disorder and how it manifests, when you'll realize it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.  It's up to you to decide if that behavior is acceptable.

[blueman54321]

Well today has been interesteing.

I had a message from a girl on a dating website, I created the profile to attempt to play her at her own game but clearly I not ready for any kind of relationship. Regardless, today I got a rather forthcoming message from a female on the website, I relayed the message to my exe to get some girly understanding about it. Yes I know my motives here were to attempt to make her jealous but apparently she has no feelings about me anymore right?.

Apparently this female was being seductive like I thought, and was inviting me round for company in a subtle way.

My ex downplayed her emotions. And told me it was what I suspected. I spoke to the female for a bit because quite frankly I'm ___ing lonely and left it at that.

A bit later on my ex texted me crying that she made a terrible first impression on my 3000 mile away replacement when they skyped. Apparently he was very regimented and I got the feeling quite boring. Now this could all be lies to throw me from the fact she wants and will get a relationship out of him if she can. But she is very upset and I'm explaining to her that she is ill, this relationship is a fantasy in her head all this stuff.

I console her for a while.

Eventually it gets down to this:

ex: i shouldn't of had this conversation with you

me:  no uve made me feel awful

ex:  ive made you feel awful

while you text me about some other girl

get the ___ out of here

Now this comment flew out of nowhere, probably an hour after we spoke about it. So I guess she does have some emotion, if only jealousy. The difference being I am not actively seeking anything, I am not over her, and she is seeking someone, days after we broke up from our apparently ever lasting 4.5 year love affair.

Overral she seems to be warming to me, but I know in my mind that she is setting me up for another ___ing fall. I cant help myself.

Her last text has been "Nope not heard from him, I don't mind anymore hwo things go. Don't worry about the things you can't control its the ones yu can you should worry about =)"

In a way I feel like this whole thing with the Skype thing is some sort of emotional trap, because I sent her the message from the dating website girl to unscramble. Can't work this out but I'm scared and seem to be willing to endure this ___ again. P

[Mutt]

It's good that you're not distorting your feelings, you said you sent her a message from a female on a dating site, to illicit a response.

You told her that she is ill. Do you think that she may be offended by that?

She's threatened to call the cops.

You are in a lot of pain right now, you are lonely.

Do you think it's best to leave her to her devices, go NC for yourself? If you continue, she's going to call the cops. Do you want that?

[goldylamont]

blueman54321, i don't think it's cool how you are communicating with your ex. honestly at this point i don't know if you should be angry with whatever she says as it sounds like you are initiating the contact and also trying to provoke her. her telling you that "none of this was your fault really" is the closest thing you're going to get to the truth. but women see through any of the jealousy games you try to play with them. people in general can sense when someone is more into them than they are in return--especially people with a long history of deception.

there's people on here that have had the cops called on them and they haven't done half of what you've done to deserve it. and i don't think you deserve it, but still you have to stop playing this game with her. she wouldn't be playing it with you unless she already knew she'd be fine with the outcome. hearing about the other woman may not have made her jealous, it may have allowed her to see your desperation in a new light and like you less. you need to stop trying to impress this woman as hard as that may be.

can you think of any activities in addition to these boards where you can redirect your energies? i'm not saying don't feel them, feel them, but do something else with them.

[bpdspell]

I agree with goldylamont 100%.

Playing the toxic bate game with your ex is only gonna hurt you in the long run because getting her attention will not stop her from being mentally ill. I've been in your shoes where I've played "jealousy tag"  and tit for tat games with the ex in order to see if he cared only to have that game blow up in my face. Borderlines don't think the same as you and I and you cannot beat a mentally ill person at their own game. They've been mentally ill longer than they've known you.

You need to give yourself space to get clear about what you want. But please understand that you cannot twist a borderlines arm into caring about you. Borderlines are sick people and their sick disordered thoughts will always come first. But that the least of your troubles. Going back and forth will not be the wake up call for her that you want it to be. It will not make her behave normal or finally get her be that better girlfriend to you after 4.5 years.

Again. Focus on you.  Going no contact is healthy start.

Spell

[HappyNihilist]

I agree with goldy and spell.

It's very good that you're acknowledging that your motives in texting her about the message were troublesome. And that you're not ready for a relationship with anyone else. Start focusing more on things like that -- your motives, your feelings, your place in this world. I know it hurts to feel like something you've invested so much time, energy, and love into was fake. But you know what wasn't fake? Your time. Your energy. Your love.

That being said, now I'm going to be a little harsh.

You are both human beings who are suffering in your own ways. Do not continue to engage in this drama and misery with her. You are doing a serious disservice to both of you. It is not fair or right or kind or good to play with another human being's emotions like that. How did it feel when it was done to you? Why would you want to do that to another person? Even someone who hurt you deeply?

Be better than that. You know that you are. Fantasize about her gruesome demise all you want. Call her every ugly name in the book to your support group. Let yourself feel that sliver of joy when you later find out that she's messed up her life in some way, and don't feel guilty about it. But DO NOT keep engaging this person.

Borderlines don't think the same as you and I and you cannot beat a mentally ill person at their own game. They've been mentally ill longer than they've known you.

You don't stand a chance. It doesn't matter how smart you are. How manipulative you are. How much you've researched it. How well you feel like you understand it. You do not live in that mindset. Be thankful that you don't, and start focusing on your own mindset.