Feels like I had contact - need help to process my emotions. Thanks.

[GuiltHaunted]

A few days ago, I had an intuitive sensation (*), that something was happening in the life of my uBPDexgf.

Just a short recap 4 years R/S, dumped med 11 months ago and had replacement lined up (sister's exbf). NC since xmas, where I told her never to contact me again.

Except me googling her and checking her Facebook. I'm not friends with her since the breakup and it's 100% private, hence no information whatsoever - not even a profile picture and a fake name. Also no changes at all since the breakup. It had become an almost daily ritual to check, though.

The day after I had this feeling, she deleted her FB account. I didn't know what to think. Why would someone delete their FB? Especially her, as she only had that account, to check up on my Facebook when we were together. I am sure she is using it to check up on him too.

Next day, she reactivated it using another name. Still fake, but a variation of her real name. Also I noticed that she finally deleted the account of her father, the died last year in January.

All this sudden activity has sent my head spinning. Should I contact her etc.? What is going on?

I unblocked her, so that she will be able to see my Facebook again. I also unblocked her on Whatsapp.

I'm confused. Mostly about myself. I do still want her back.



(*) Moved this part below as I was digressing:

I have had intuitive feelings before (you might believe such crap or not), like in a previous breakup (with a non) all of a sudden seeing her, before my inner eye, walking the streets of Milano in sunshine. After a few months, we reconciled, and sure enough - I noted the date, and on the EXACT date she was indeed in Milano. I had no way of knowing that, and she had no connections to Milano or Italy at all. Her rebound had brought her with him on a business trip. Anyway, she is a dear friend today and nothing more.

[blueman54321]

I am not a good example and this is very hypocritical of me, but all that I can say is that I wished I never met my exBPDgf, and that I had the strength and sense of mind right now to walk away from her for good.

You seem like you are doing well, just remember that it is not her you seek but the way she made you feel about yourself. She is a lie. She predated on your kindness. And look how she treated you in the end. You have come this far. Stay strong.

[coolioqq]

What you are experiencing is actually hypothesized and well deacribed by Carl Jung, one of the most prominent psychiatrists in modern history. It is called the "collective unconscious." Whether your intuition is right this time or not - there is no way of knowing that. I can relate as to how much this hurts .

What you end up doing is your decision to make. Maybe her behavior (fake accounts and renaming) has nothing to do with you but the replacement. Maybe she is replacing the replacement - who knows?

When I have these thoughts - should I respond and break my NC decision (I broke my r/s with dBPDexgf off), I do the following things prior to takong action:

- reread the Leaving and detachment lessons until it sinks in again

- read a fresh batch of stories here giving me a good idea of what I would find myself in again

- remember of both the good and bad things and juxtapose them to remind myself who I was dealing with. Admittedly, my ex was diagnosed... . But someone with strong BPD traits, even without enough for a diagnosis, can still waste our lives. Each life is a gift, and it is our duty to preserve and improve ours. Every decision we make should have that as a precursor.

I think you are doing great, and your subconscious is trying to protect you from further damaging yourself - you are coming here first to get opinions before you make decisions. Others will probably chime in too.

[coolioqq]

I am not a good example and this is very hypocritical of me, but all that I can say is that I wished I never met my exBPDgf, and that I had the strength and sense of mind right now to walk away from her for good.

You seem like you are doing well, just remember that it is not her you seek but the way she made you feel about yourself. She is a lie. She predated on your kindness. And look how she treated you in the end. You have come this far. Stay strong.

I don't think it is hypocritical to wish that we did things differently in the past. I know exactly what you meant to say, but that is rather a sign of healthy thinking - you now have enough knowledge of yourself and better knowledge of BPD to realize that the r/s was a mistake. We are people and we learn from mistakes. That is good! Repeating them is what is bad. And we have a proof for that here: all these stories on multiple recycling - I have yet to find one that ended well... .

I find NC good for reinforcing boundaries and inducing detachment. But we should keep in mind that NC is not only about not responding, but also about removing triggers that undermine the detachment process (i.e. Checking social media, ruminating continously around what ifs?, etc) just my 2 cents.

[GuiltHaunted]

just remember that it is not her you seek but the way she made you feel about yourself. She is a lie. She predated on your kindness. And look how she treated you in the end.

I assume my part of the responsibility for the relationship failing. Mostly ignoring and disregarding her psychological issues. As an analogy: If someone broke a leg and you have to keep going. You don't kick the person in the behind and tell them to pull themselves together. You carry them!

I always told her she was a completely normal girl and she just had some bad experiences. I told her to stop taking antidepressant medication a year into the R/S. "Why fill you body with chemicals, you are not depressed, you have nothing to be depressed about". I didn't recognize her problems, and as said she is undiagnosed, so she doesn't know whats wrong either. About 6 months prior to the breakup, the 5 y/o child of her friend was diagnosed ADHD. My ex read a lot about ADHD and was convinced she had it too. I dismissed her on that too. She even sent me an e-mail where she wrote: "It's not about making psychiatrists rich, but for me to feel better about myself, my work colleagues and you". As far as I read, Borderline is often misdiagnosed for ADHD (correct me if I am wrong). Anyway, that is my main failure in the R/S, I didn't listen to her or take her problems seriously.

Maybe she is replacing the replacement - who knows?

But someone with strong BPD traits, even without enough for a diagnosis, can still waste our lives. Each life is a gift, and it is our duty to preserve and improve ours. Every decision we make should have that as a precursor.

Yes, that thought crossed my mind too. The question, in that case, is if I want to try to bring myself into play or not. For that consideration, your advice is excellent. Do I want to "carry" someone (to stay in the analogy) for the rest of my life? On in her case, "leading her by the hand" would perhaps be more appropriate. She is not a complete nutcase, and I admit that she is probably on the lower end of the spectrum, perhaps even under clinical definition for BPD. But as you can see from short excerpt from her email (one of countless equal statements) she knows herself that something doesn't add up (plus the facts of 10 years therapy, 7 years on antidepressants and one time committed to a mental institution). My guess is that the therapists treating her, thought of it as teenage depression and never examined the underlying cause, which I believe to be BPD. She displays all symptoms, except self-mutilation, doing dangerous impulsive things. She fits the description of a BPD waif to the teeth.

In fact, I somehow think it makes it worse for the detachment. Because I think there is a chance that it will work. But still I will have a negative force in my life forever. If she was a raving nut, I wouldn't even consider. Anyway, at the moment I am not even in a position to make a decision, since she has chosen for us both (so far).

I think I will let it rest for a few weeks. I know she stalked me on Facebook before. After the breakup, I made sure to be extra active, making sure she would see it (setting thing to publicly viewable). Some month later, when she asked for NC, I blocked her. When we resumed contact in the fall, she asked me 3 times if I deleted my Facebook profile (the first 2 times I ignored her question and the 3rd time I told her I changed my privacy settings). So maybe she will write me, if she still looks and sees that I am there again (and indeed my intuition is right and something is changing in her current relationship).

But we should keep in mind that NC is not only about not responding, but also about removing triggers that undermine the detachment process (i.e. Checking social media, ruminating continously around what ifs?, etc) just my 2 cents.

You are right, 100%. And I haven't been good at that. To my defense, I have been looking at a blank page, with the generic blue FB profile drawing and the information that she is female! I.e., not that much info to trigger me. 

That I look at all, is of course a sign, that I am not ready to detach.

I am gentle with myself, it will take as long as it has to. The worst thing to do is, in my most humble opinion, to pressure yourself to move on. 1) It doesn't work, because you can't force it. 2) It makes you feel like a failure, when you don't achieve the goal you set. At first, I said to myself: "I will grieve this for 6 months, and if she doesn't come back in that time, I will move on". That's 5 months ago now! It made me feel like $hit and angry at myself at first: "why can't I move oon?". Now, I just accept it and it feels much better. I HOPE that it won't take more that 6 months to another year to be over it. But if it takes EVEN longer, so be it.

[HappyNihilist]

I am not personally familiar with waif types, but I'm sure that a few others might be able to weigh in with their own experiences. That may help you step back and maybe see some things in your own r/s more clearly.

The question, in that case, is if I want to try to bring myself into play or not. For that consideration, your advice is excellent. Do I want to "carry" someone (to stay in the analogy) for the rest of my life?

In fact, I somehow think it makes it worse for the detachment. Because I think there is a chance that it will work. But still I will have a negative force in my life forever. If she was a raving nut, I wouldn't even consider.

Only you can make that choice for yourself. But I want you to look carefully at what you said here. Do you really want that? And if so, for what reasons?

You already know what questions you have to ask of yourself. Your task now is to answer them.

I think I will let it rest for a few weeks.

I am gentle with myself, it will take as long as it has to. The worst thing to do is, in my most humble opinion, to pressure yourself to move on. 1) It doesn't work, because you can't force it. 2) It makes you feel like a failure, when you don't achieve the goal you set. At first, I said to myself: "I will grieve this for 6 months, and if she doesn't come back in that time, I will move on". That's 5 months ago now! It made me feel like $hit and angry at myself at first: "why can't I move oon?". Now, I just accept it and it feels much better. I HOPE that it won't take more that 6 months to another year to be over it. But if it takes EVEN longer, so be it.

Do not give yourself a timeline on your grieving process and detachment. It will take as long as you need it to take.

You do need to be gentle with yourself. But also firm.

Focus the energy you're currently expending worrying about her onto yourself. 

[coolioqq]

Maybe she is replacing the replacement - who knows?

But someone with strong BPD traits, even without enough for a diagnosis, can still waste our lives. Each life is a gift, and it is our duty to preserve and improve ours. Every decision we make should have that as a precursor.

Yes, that thought crossed my mind too. The question, in that case, is if I want to try to bring myself into play or not. For that consideration, your advice is excellent. Do I want to "carry" someone (to stay in the analogy) for the rest of my life? On in her case, "leading her by the hand" would perhaps be more appropriate. She is not a complete nutcase, and I admit that she is probably on the lower end of the spectrum, perhaps even under clinical definition for BPD. But as you can see from short excerpt from her email (one of countless equal statements) she knows herself that something doesn't add up (plus the facts of 10 years therapy, 7 years on antidepressants and one time committed to a mental institution). My guess is that the therapists treating her, thought of it as teenage depression and never examined the underlying cause, which I believe to be BPD. She displays all symptoms, except self-mutilation, doing dangerous impulsive things. She fits the description of a BPD waif to the teeth.

My diagnosed ex did not appear abnormal either, on the first glance at least. With most people she would pass as a timid introvert (stuttering and blushing until she gets to know you, sweet (child-like) behavior, angelic facial expressions). Her dark side was not the verbally abusive one. Either I broke it off before it progressed to that point, or she was more on the passive aggressive side of things: subtle devaluation through making me feel that I was not doing enough for her (when I confronted her, I got the innocent NOO I didn't mean that! face), constant comparison with exes and indirect attacks on my self-esteem (endless talk about his charms, her zeroing in on every little physical defect that I have - and she frankly had more than me, etc.), clear intent to "milk" me financially (bringing up chivalry and her financial situation when it was pay time, and feeling her pride is hurt because we got to that discussion - I was completely silent on that and was paying for everything all along without holding back). So, in my case, even with her being diagnosed (people assume diagnosis means that they immediately fit a certain type, which is not true), it went the other way around: she devalued me all along. Idealization (forced one) started after I broke it off and went NC.

I mentioned the angelic facial expressions. She had the demonic ones too (the horror-movie, trauma-inducing, "she is possessed" kind)... . Now, we all have that in ourselves - what Carl Jung called "the darkness." The difference is that nons are able to control and integrate the two sides. PwBPD often cannot control and integrate the same and, worse yet, they cannot make a deterministic choice to go with one or the other. They are truly on the "borderline" between good and evil, throwing handfuls of one or the other at you... .

Knowing that she is diagnosed, frankly, does not change much. I would do the same even if she wasn't... . It hurt bad and it still hurts, but the left-over debt is to myself only. I do not owe her anything - I gave her my everything!

It sounds like that is your dilemma. I will not attempt to answer that question for you, because only you can do that. To that I can only say: love is a two-way thing... .

Also the behavior that they exhibit around you does not always paint the whole picture. PwBPD can have an overtly outward pathology of symptoms (as is the case with exes of a lot of people on this forum who suffered all kinds of abuse from them). Likewise, their issues can be turned primarily inward too. My ex was that way - self-mutilation, impaired self-worth, self-loathing. The devaluation against me was actually a projection of her own insecurities - every time I showed possible signs of being upset with the devaluation, her abandonment fears would kick in, and she would get into "I didn't mean it that way" mantra.

In fact, I somehow think it makes it worse for the detachment. Because I think there is a chance that it will work. But still I will have a negative force in my life forever. If she was a raving nut, I wouldn't even consider. Anyway, at the moment I am not even in a position to make a decision, since she has chosen for us both (so far).

From where I am seeing this, these two statements should say it all to you. What are you going to make work exactly? Re-establishing a negative force in your life? Forever? How does that fit the very idea of "making it work?" Consider the idea that she did you a favor with her "choice" (I fundamentally don't believe that pwBPD can make choices - they are at best erratic reactions to their fears).

I think I will let it rest for a few weeks. I know she stalked me on Facebook before. After the breakup, I made sure to be extra active, making sure she would see it (setting thing to publicly viewable). Some month later, when she asked for NC, I blocked her. When we resumed contact in the fall, she asked me 3 times if I deleted my Facebook profile (the first 2 times I ignored her question and the 3rd time I told her I changed my privacy settings). So maybe she will write me, if she still looks and sees that I am there again (and indeed my intuition is right and something is changing in her current relationship).

I think we both know what isn't changing: abandonment fears. Even if her current relationship is ending, what are you hoping to get out of it? A chance to recycle?

By now, you should be completely aware of the 'things that keep you stuck' lesson. This hard-to-resist urge of "one more time" and "I can make it work" becomes an obsession for us. It is a negative and... . well... . a little narcissistic behavior because we see the alternative as "accepting failure."

When we free ourselves from such erroneous thinking - that is when we become free! Choosing to walk away and detach from an emotionally unstable or abusive relationship is not "accepting failure," - it is acknowledging of our self-control and our desire for good things for ourselves. Good people deserve good things. And, quite frankly, I have never met as many good people in the same place as I have on this forum!

I am gentle with myself, it will take as long as it has to. The worst thing to do is, in my most humble opinion, to pressure yourself to move on. 1) It doesn't work, because you can't force it. 2) It makes you feel like a failure, when you don't achieve the goal you set. At first, I said to myself: "I will grieve this for 6 months, and if she doesn't come back in that time, I will move on". That's 5 months ago now! It made me feel like $hit and angry at myself at first: "why can't I move oon?". Now, I just accept it and it feels much better. I HOPE that it won't take more that 6 months to another year to be over it. But if it takes EVEN longer, so be it.

You should continue to be VERY gentle to yourself. You ARE moving on.

Acknowledge what you feel. Determine the courses of action and assess pros and cons of each one. Personally, I know what breaking NC would mean for me: I would be reopening the door to my soul to a deeply troubled, self-absorbed, manipulative and pathologically tactful person without personhood in true meaning of the word - the kind that would selfishly suck the soul out of me to feel better about herself and move on, with a smirk of cluelessness. to another soul, leaving whatever's left of me, on the floor, to rot... . I could see all of that in her eyes - she is very well capable of that. Do you think I deserve such a person?

Your ex is probably different from mine, but you should still ask yourself the same questions. What keeps you stuck? You mentioned "accepting it makes you feel like a failure." Do you ever question that notion? Where did that come from? Who made you believe in that? And go from there.

And don't put a kitchen-timer on your grief. Give yourself whatever time you need. Whenever calls to action arise, it's a good idea to reflect first, maybe post it here too, get some opinions and then make a decision. I am saying this because you point out your intuition that something is going on with her, and you are expecting contact. Rushing into anything is not something to take lightly... .

[Narellan]

Someone on here gave the analogy a few weeks back that someone with BPD is like an injured bird. We can love and care for them, and do everything in our power to rehabilitate them but in the end the bird either heals and flies away, or we care for the injured forever.

It's heartbreakingly true. They can never be who we need them to be in a partner. My ex told me I was the one that always filled up his bucket. When I left he begged that we just have a break and I go and fill up my bucket again and then come back. My answer was " what's the point when you'll only empty it again"

[GuiltHaunted]

Again, thank you for your detailed replies!

My diagnosed ex did not appear abnormal either, on the first glance at least.

Yes, I keep playing the BPD down. I guess I feel shame for referring to her as uBPD, because other here post much worse stories. Like suicide attempts, physical abuse, drinking, cheating etc.

It could might as well be the other way around, and my uBPDex is very high on the spectrum. But that the symptoms in her case, show up more benign. My knowledge of BPD is only with her and reading books, articles and internet after the breakup.

Thank you for making me realize that.

I also read some of the post in the blog of a girl diagnosed with BPD. I think the link is ok to post here:

www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com

In one blog post, she refers to her present boyfriend like this:

He likes me, but he doesn’t really know me. I don’t talk about my past with him. He doesn’t know the things I been through in my life. He doesn’t know the things that have made me the person I am today. I have a very pretty surface, but the foundations that I’ve been built on are ugly. How can someone really like me if they don’t really know me?

To be honest, I don't know much about her past either. From family members, I heard things like this:

"You wouldn't believe how she behaved in her teens".

She got tattoos and piercing starting at age 14 (neck, hip / nipples, nose). She had a longer relationship (history always 3-4 years R/S) during her teen years. I asked her a few things about that R/S and she would tell how he would always drive her everywhere and treat her good. I asked why she broke up with him and her answer was that he was doing drugs. I never dug into why she was together with someone doing drugs, what her role in all that was or why she was together with him in the first place. Next 3 year R/S was with a bodybuilder, she left him "because he was cheating on her". I am not so sure about that being the truth about that now, apparently he was devastated afterwards - from what I have found out after her breaking up with me (poor ass too).

After her father died in January 2013, a VERY close childhood friend of her father (whom my ex hated!), gave me those words of warning: "I shouldn't be saying this, watch out for xxx, someday you will wake up with a knife in you back"

This was after they had a fight. He meant it literally, but figuratively speaking, I guess he was already right.

When we were together, she didn't wear any piecings. I asked her why she had removed them and her exact reply was "I didn't feel they were a part of me anymore". Funny enough, the week before she broke up with me she started wearing the nose piecing again. One of her reasons for breaking up with me was btw: "I can't be myself when I am around you". Never for 4 years together with had she worn that!

I am a very respectable looking fella, short hair no tattoos, athletically build (certainly not looking anything like a bodybuilder), normally dressed etc. The replacement has a beard, long hair (crewcut on the sides of the head) and dresses like someone in the goth scene. Probably tattooed and piecings as well. Mirroring?

As for self-mutilation, she wanted to get rid of the tattoo on her neck (she would always wear scarfs to hide it). She was receiving laser treatments, and had gotten a new job, where visible tattoos were not allowed. She didn't feel it went fast enough with the laser, so she went to a doctor and had him cut it away, leaving a really ugly scare instead. People who see it usually get shocked and ask if she was in an accident.

As for self-worth - she HATED herself. Hated how she looked, what she did etc. When she finally said or wrote something constructive, it would alway be followed up by something negative and sabotaging. When in writing, I would alway get another message 10 mins later. Like the e-mail I quoted previously - 9 mins later:

"You are not satisfied with me either, but are not taking what I am doing seriously and find it ridiculous. If I am not doing anything about it, it certainly won't get any better. Whatever! See you".

Completely devaluates her whole statement, when blaming me for not being satisfied with her. I did indeed, at the time find it ridiculous that she would think she had ADHD. But the the "whatever!" in the end. What was I supposed to answer? "Sure I am satisfied with the way you are... bla bla".

Yes, I probably have to come to terms with that she is indeed BPD and probably not on the lower end, as I keep telling myself.

I am thinking about calling that old friend of her father, for clarification, and get more details from her teen years. He was around the whole time, and must have a lot of knowledge of what went down. After her father died, I don't think he is in contact with her (for sure) or her siblings. I avoided that for a long time though, because of her hate of him, I have felt that if I was to turn to him, it would certainly mark the very end! There is also the risk that he has knowledge that I do not like to hear about her present situation (like that she married my replacement etc.). What do you think?

[GuiltHaunted]

I forgot to answer this:

You mentioned "accepting it makes you feel like a failure." Do you ever question that notion? Where did that come from? Who made you believe in that?

I forgot to answer that.

This is my own issue. I need to do everything "perfect", at least things that are important to me. And you are right, where did that come from? Being is a perfectionist is probably connect to where I find my own self-worth. I am very aware of this trait in me, and particularly now, try not to beat up on myself.

[coolioqq]

Again, thank you for your detailed replies!

Don't mention it - we are here to help each other succeed, and together we will!

I also read some of the post in the blog of a girl diagnosed with BPD. I think the link is ok to post here:

www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com

In one blog post, she refers to her present boyfriend like this:

He likes me, but he doesn’t really know me. I don’t talk about my past with him. He doesn’t know the things I been through in my life. He doesn’t know the things that have made me the person I am today. I have a very pretty surface, but the foundations that I’ve been built on are ugly. How can someone really like me if they don’t really know me?

It is brave of this woman to realize that. But, how can her partner really like her if she does not disclose herself to her partner? Mirroring and all other BPD coping is not the answer, so in a way they craft their own destiny.

This is what my ex did to me. She only disclosed it when I caught her, and then only as an excuse... .

To be honest, I don't know much about her past either. From family members, I heard things like this:

"You wouldn't believe how she behaved in her teens".

She got tattoos and piercing starting at age 14 (neck, hip / nipples, nose). She had a longer relationship (history always 3-4 years R/S) during her teen years. I asked her a few things about that R/S and she would tell how he would always drive her everywhere and treat her good. I asked why she broke up with him and her answer was that he was doing drugs. I never dug into why she was together with someone doing drugs, what her role in all that was or why she was together with him in the first place. Next 3 year R/S was with a bodybuilder, she left him "because he was cheating on her". I am not so sure about that being the truth about that now, apparently he was devastated afterwards - from what I have found out after her breaking up with me (poor ass too).

... .

When we were together, she didn't wear any piecings. I asked her why she had removed them and her exact reply was "I didn't feel they were a part of me anymore". Funny enough, the week before she broke up with me she started wearing the nose piecing again. One of her reasons for breaking up with me was btw: "I can't be myself when I am around you". Never for 4 years together with had she worn that!

I am a very respectable looking fella, short hair no tattoos, athletically build (certainly not looking anything like a bodybuilder), normally dressed etc. The replacement has a beard, long hair (crewcut on the sides of the head) and dresses like someone in the goth scene. Probably tattooed and piecings as well. Mirroring?

As for self-mutilation, she wanted to get rid of the tattoo on her neck (she would always wear scarfs to hide it). She was receiving laser treatments, and had gotten a new job, where visible tattoos were not allowed. She didn't feel it went fast enough with the laser, so she went to a doctor and had him cut it away, leaving a really ugly scare instead. People who see it usually get shocked and ask if she was in an accident.

Tattoos and excessive piercing can be a form of self-mutilation just like cutting is. The fact that she wanted to get rid of all of that with you could have been her trying to mirror you. You said you are a "clean-cut" type of man, so that would explain it. Now with the goth guy she is back to her old image.

This has nothing to do with you. PwBPD have no sense of identity in the way we do. They are confused with who they really are, and their lives (unless they get treated successfully) are not much more than odysseys... .

As for self-worth - she HATED herself. Hated how she looked, what she did etc. When she finally said or wrote something constructive, it would alway be followed up by something negative and sabotaging. When in writing, I would alway get another message 10 mins later. Like the e-mail I quoted previously - 9 mins later:

"You are not satisfied with me either, but are not taking what I am doing seriously and find it ridiculous. If I am not doing anything about it, it certainly won't get any better. Whatever! See you".

Completely devaluates her whole statement, when blaming me for not being satisfied with her. I did indeed, at the time find it ridiculous that she would think she had ADHD. But the the "whatever!" in the end. What was I supposed to answer? "Sure I am satisfied with the way you are... bla bla".

Yes, I probably have to come to terms with that she is indeed BPD and probably not on the lower end, as I keep telling myself.

The 180-degree turns became a norm in my relationship too. She would say something, I would agree, then she would counter that just for the sake of it. Now, that I think back, in the case of my ex - she was probably constantly afraid that I would catch her mirroring. I had no idea what mirroring was at the time. So, picking fights is sometimes their way of turning attention away from themselves because they do have this constant fear of being caught. Making themselves victims of their partner's alleged perceptions is admittedly a good way to do it.

I am thinking about calling that old friend of her father, for clarification, and get more details from her teen years. He was around the whole time, and must have a lot of knowledge of what went down. After her father died, I don't think he is in contact with her (for sure) or her siblings. I avoided that for a long time though, because of her hate of him, I have felt that if I was to turn to him, it would certainly mark the very end! There is also the risk that he has knowledge that I do not like to hear about her present situation (like that she married my replacement etc.). What do you think?

I can only tell you what I would do. If I was aware that the news could hurt me further while I am still trying to detach, I'd back down on knowing the truth. You don't want to undermine your progress. What would knowing the truth about her past really change?

My dBPDexgf actually admitted, when she was caught, parts of her past (cutting, what her college years looked like, etc.) So, I got it first hand - at least a version of it. In the retrospect, it hurt me more than it helped. This was someone I love and listening to how she was cutting herself, how she struggled, and looking at her scars as she was confessing hurt me more than my own pain. I would never wish it on anyone. I experienced severe PTSD from all of that until quite recently. I just started to heal in the past couple of weeks.

It sounds like you feel the same towards your ex. It's your decision to make, but be warned that "there be dragons."

I suggest focus on yourself. Make sure you heal and detach completely. If, after you do, you still want to know, you can always give the man a ring and have him tell you.

Stay well, my friend! And keep us in the loop!

[coolioqq]

I forgot to answer this:

You mentioned "accepting it makes you feel like a failure." Do you ever question that notion? Where did that come from? Who made you believe in that?

I forgot to answer that.

This is my own issue. I need to do everything "perfect", at least things that are important to me. And you are right, where did that come from? Being is a perfectionist is probably connect to where I find my own self-worth. I am very aware of this trait in me, and particularly now, try not to beat up on myself.

Never beat yourself up. That only leads to rumination. No real learning happens from dwelling and beating yourself up. Be gentle to yourself, and take it easy. Think yourself first!

[GuiltHaunted]

Tattoos and excessive piercing can be a form of self-mutilation just like cutting is. The fact that she wanted to get rid of all of that with you could have been her trying to mirror you. You said you are a "clean-cut" type of man, so that would explain it. Now with the goth guy she is back to her old image.

I met when she was 23, and she had already gotten rid of the piecings years before. So, that part wasn't mirroring me. But, wearing the nose piecing again all of a sudden, certainly seems to be mirroring my replacement.

That she had gotten them in the first place, I interpreted as youthful trying to fit in, in whatever group of people she was surrounded. And that she had gotten rid of them again, as she had matured in a sensible way.

If I was aware that the news could hurt me further while I am still trying to detach, I'd back down on knowing the truth. You don't want to undermine your progress. What would knowing the truth about her past really change?

Not much, actually - you are right. As long as there is not an option of getting back with her, the information would not really be of any use. At best it would satisfy a curiosity, that I didn't even have when I was in a R/S with her.

That kind of information would be more relevant to seek, if I had the option to get in a relationship with her again.

I experienced severe PTSD from all of that until quite recently. I just started to heal in the past couple of weeks.

How long since the breakup?

I am 11 months out now. Yes I am feeling a lot better! I am not miserable anymore. Slightly depressed at times, but I feel open to meeting someone else.


I decided to let it all rest (yaay), and blocked her on Facebook and Whatsapp again.

[foiles]

Your comment about being a perfectionist struck home. I'm a perfectionist because I grew up in an environment where failure (or almost anything that wasn't first place) was was seen as 'bad'. Although I'll always carry some of that baggage, after going through that experience and using every bone in my body to work through it, I try to see failure as a learning experience. Sometimes I can't wait to find the next thing! I may never stop being somewhat of a perfectionist, but what has changed are the things I think are 'perfect', what is really important to me, the type of person I want to be, and the type of person I want to be with and deserve.

[GuiltHaunted]

I don't know where being a perfectionist comes from. I wasn't under any pressure as a child to be perfect at all. I am also selectively perfectionist, as it is only important to me in areas that matter to me. And it's not just being perfect, it's "being better". So I guess it's some general self-esteem problem. I was always picked last in school for teams in gym classes. Maybe that's where the problem has arisen. 

Anyway, I am acutely aware of this issue, and have been trying to work with it for years. Like e.g. my work, I am never fully satisfied with what I did, yet I know that I am excellent at what I do.

Of course, that personality trait has advantages, as it drives you forward. As long as events are inside something you can control, and as long as logical solutions can be applied.

Of course again, with a pwBPD, events are not in any way controllable and for sure nothing is logical! I think that is why I am still suffering (although significantly less than 11 months ago), the wires in my brain are simply short-circuited.

I am an extremely rational person (normally) as well. I see thing for what they are and don't get too emotional. Except here! I know, logically, that I should be not just happy, but ecstatic being rid of her! But my heart just doesn't want to agree.

These inner conflicts are making the rumination worse. My stupid brain just can't comprehend/accept that there is no solution to this puzzle... . There must be some solution! 

[Narellan]

Yes... . I need to solve and rationalise every problem to. And fix things. I can't stand things being up in the air. So it's so hard detaching from exBPD with everything unexplained from them. It's why this site helps so much, by somewhat giving us a bit of closure by explanations. I'm also not happy unless things are done perfectly. Not all things I just like the sense of control by having a bit of order. That's why I was do attracted to someone with did order everywhere I guess. It was very liberating for me to be in his world.

[GuiltHaunted]

... . and to update: She deactivated her Facebook account again!

What the f is going on? Why deactivate/reactivate/deactivate within a week? I know no one can answer this. But I am SO curious! I might call and ask

[coolioqq]

How long since the breakup?

I am 11 months out now. Yes I am feeling a lot better! I am not miserable anymore. Slightly depressed at times, but I feel open to meeting someone else.


I decided to let it all rest (yaay), and blocked her on Facebook and Whatsapp again.

Still very fresh, not even 2 months since... . But, I am doing a lot better in the last couple of weeks!

Glad to hear you are doing better. Blocking the social media stuff is an excellent step. World was a bit better without FB :-)

[GuiltHaunted]

... . and internet and cell phones.

[GuiltHaunted]

... . and now she reactivated her Facebook again! That's 2 times deactivated and 2 times reactivated within 2 weeks!

I am really starting to wonder. I unblocked her again now, and will let it stay that way. I am really getting myself messed up over this. For a long time I was ok, but I the last days I have been having the bad butterflies again when thinking about her.

How do I resolve this? It's eating me up, thinking I might miss out on an opportunity to reconnect with her. But at the same time, I am afraid of being rejected once again-again again, if I contact her, and how that might set back what I already healed.

On the other hand, I am really suffering at the moment, so I am considering how much worse it could be if I break NC?

Help!

[coolioqq]

That I feel your pain goes without saying. But that is not what you need to hear now... . You need to find a reasonable way to set yourself free from her influence. Why don't you go NC with your FB account. Treat it like a diet. No sugar for a week. Meditate. Go read a book on mysticism. Maybe ride a rollercoaster. You need to get rid of the stale perspective. Let her do her FB dance. Why even care what she is trying to do? Shut that front door!

The easiest way is that you fixate on a word of your choice. Let's say 'out!' Commit to shout it out loud (mentally) every time she crosses your mind. It's ridiculous at first but only because you are not trained well. Practice and you'll see.

[GuiltHaunted]

You are absolutely right - if I want to detach, that would be the way to go.  :'(

I am considering to break NC, I am on the wrong board! I will be continuing this thread in the undecided forum (even though I don't have the power to make the decisions).

[GuiltHaunted]

Here the new thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=224414.0

[1KitKat]

You Are probably in empath, as I am. You should Google the attraction between empaths and sociopaths. We all got into these relationships for a reason.

[coolioqq]

You are absolutely right - if I want to detach, that would be the way to go.  :'(

I am considering to break NC, I am on the wrong board! I will be continuing this thread in the undecided forum (even though I don't have the power to make the decisions).

I see... . I wish you the best of luck this time around! Keep us in the loop in that new thread then. And take care of yourself - you got more knowledge now, so try to put it to good use.

[Mutt]

You Are probably in empath, as I am. You should Google the attraction between empaths and sociopaths. We all got into these relationships for a reason.

BPD and Sociopath are two different conditions.

BPD is a mental condition where people experience unstable relationships, impulsive, reckless behaviors and unstable moods. Sociopath effect a person's way of thinking, relating, dealing with situations to become destructive, they have difficulties with distinguishing between what right and wrong.

[coolioqq]

You Are probably in empath, as I am. You should Google the attraction between empaths and sociopaths. We all got into these relationships for a reason.

BPD and Sociopath are two different conditions.

BPD is a mental condition where people experience unstable relationships, impulsive, reckless behaviors and unstable moods. Sociopath effect a person's way of thinking, relating, dealing with situations to become destructive, they have difficulties with distinguishing between what right and wrong.

With that said, my dBPDexgf was openly sociopathic. She weighed even obviously right-wrong things. So, there are some who are so out of touch with their feelings that they have no real sense of right and wrong.

[1KitKat]

What I actually meant was to Google the attraction that empaths have  for people with borderline personality disorder and people who are sociopaths. Not that they are the same.

[BorisAcusio]

You Are probably in empath, as I am. You should Google the attraction between empaths and sociopaths. We all got into these relationships for a reason.

BPD and Sociopath are two different conditions.

BPD is a mental condition where people experience unstable relationships, impulsive, reckless behaviors and unstable moods. Sociopath effect a person's way of thinking, relating, dealing with situations to become destructive, they have difficulties with distinguishing between what right and wrong.

Well, there is not much difference in the outcome, at least from the perspective of a NON. Both pwPD do whatever it needs to fulfill their needs, regardless of the harm they cause.