Amazing how these BPDs are all alike.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Amazing how these BPDs are all alike. One of the big problems in our relationship was the omnipresence of ex-wife #1. He refused to let her go, and it seemed mutual. He had her so trained after 30 years that I think it was comforting to talk to her. He told me one time he had trained her to think like him. It was like talking to himself. But said he would never go back to her because she had gained too much weight. Weird that almost all the women in his "family" (a group the 1st ex was included in)were heavy, but he was almost phobic  about getting heavy and railed against overweight people.  Another conflict in their brain, I guess.

[MidKnightsun]

Amazing how these BPDs are all alike. One of the big problems in our relationship was the omnipresence of ex-wife #1. He refused to let her go, and it seemed mutual. He had her so trained after 30 years that I think it was comforting to talk to her. He told me one time he had trained her to think like him. It was like talking to himself. But said he would never go back to her because she had gained too much weight. Weird that almost all the women in his "family" (a group the 1st ex was included in)were heavy, but he was almost phobic  about getting heavy and railed against overweight people.  Another conflict in their brain, I guess.

[zenwexler]

See I don't know if it's always just for backup. Every time I pull away my ex comes runnnig for me. She's dating someone else but still texts me. she tells me that she will never ever get back together with me. But yet she texts me all the time and will not stop asking me to refriend her on faceebook.  I asked her why she so badly wants to be facebook friends. She says "don't read into it like I know you do. i just don't like it when people have something against me."

1. It's hard to know if she truly means that

2. if she just doesn't know what she wants

3. her action prove her words false

4. They actually do want a backup

5. They just want to torture us more

[GreenMango]

There's more to this than the 'power' of the BPD partner over their exes.  Exes reengage and stay in contact for lots of reasons but one things for sure it's a choice. 

There's lots of talk about typical BPD patterns but theres also typical patterns for partners of people with BPD.  It's more likely they stay not out of victimhood but out of their issues too.  It takes two.

-poor boundaries

-low self esteem

-rescuer traits

[Popcorn71]

There's more to this than the 'power' of the BPD partner over their exes.  Exes reengage and stay in contact for lots of reasons but one things for sure it's a choice. 

There's lots of talk about typical BPD patterns but theres also typical patterns for partners of people with BPD.  It's more likely they stay not out of victimhood but out of their issues too.  It takes two.

-poor boundaries

-low self esteem

-rescuer traits

 

I agree.  My ex was in contact with most of his exes, except his first wife, who I now believe was clever enough to get out of their relationship after a short time and stay out.

I always found it strange that he regularly had chats with his 2nd ex wife and was very friendly with her even though she had left him for another man and their children were adults.  I can see now that he often used her to try to make me jealous, telling me that she wanted him back, etc.  Another strange thing is that the man she left him for, was physically abusive to her and she put up with it for several years.  The next one has left her and come back several times.  It does look like she goes for a certain type of man.  BPD maybe?

[BacknthSaddle]

There's lots of talk about typical BPD patterns but theres also typical patterns for partners of people with BPD.  It's more likely they stay not out of victimhood but out of their issues too.  It takes two.

-poor boundaries

-low self esteem

-rescuer traits

This is right on the money. I would add that, while low self-esteem and one's rescuer fantasies take a lot of work and self-reflection to address, poor boundaries can be addressed (relatively) quickly.  If a lot of people on these boards seem preoccupied with "no contact," this is why: it is a way of quickly establishing solid and absolute boundaries that our BPDexs cannot "slip through."

[HappyNihilist]

I agree.  My ex was in contact with most of his exes, except his first wife, who I now believe was clever enough to get out of their relationship after a short time and stay out.

My ex was in contact with pretty much every woman who ever gave him the time of day, ever, to feed his bottomless need for ego validation and approval. I say this without malice or spite, but just as it is: the truth.

The only exgf he was not in contact with -- who was also (maybe ironically or maybe completely sensibly for him, who knows) the one who had a very special place in his memories and heart -- was a woman of a years-long r/s with him, who died a few years after she left him (suddenly and unexplained and without looking back).

Looking back, I see how he would try to use these women against me, to fire up my jealousy or incite a reaction. I can be amazingly dense at game-playing sometimes, because I am a blunt person who just doesn't like to play that crap, and I didn't realize quite what was going on at the time. Now I can see why it would frustrate him so much when I wouldn't take his bait.

(I did take it a couple of times. I'm by no means perfect.)

They are all different and yet all alike in so many ways. It's very clarifying to see it all.

[GreenMango]

There's lots of talk about typical BPD patterns but theres also typical patterns for partners of people with BPD.  It's more likely they stay not out of victimhood but out of their issues too.  It takes two.

-poor boundaries

-low self esteem

-rescuer traits

This is right on the money. I would add that, while low self-esteem and one's rescuer fantasies take a lot of work and self-reflection to address, poor boundaries can be addressed (relatively) quickly.  If a lot of people on these boards seem preoccupied with "no contact," this is why: it is a way of quickly establishing solid and absolute boundaries that our BPDexs cannot "slip through."

Boundaries are the easiest to address.  No contact especially if you are emotionally vulnerable and missing the person and don't feel the resolve of knowing what you value in a relationship and clearly see the person just doesn't have the capacity for it allowing you to walk away.

I was listening to Fred Luskin and he was talking about happiness and values.  To be happy isn't always automatic it takes practice.  Willfully practicing the conditions of happiness - realigning and reminding yourself what your principles and values are - gratitude, honesty, kindness... . whatever they are- and that once you identify these and practice them (because it's easier to practice the habits of unhappiness) forming the boundaries to your life get that much easier to do.  It's gets easier to say no and yes and to move towards forgiveness.  Letting go of the things that aren't right for you and that maybe really bad for you.

When I looked at the disparity in values between us it was a real awakening.  It got that much easier to say I don't want this.  Do you guys see the difference in values now that you've been away for awhile?

[HappyNihilist]

I was listening to Fred Luskin and he was talking about happiness and values.  To be happy isn't always automatic it takes practice.  Willfully practicing the conditions of happiness - realigning and reminding yourself what your principles and values are - gratitude, honesty, kindness... . whatever they are- and that once you identify these and practice them (because it's easier to practice the habits of unhappiness) forming the boundaries to your life get that much easier to do.  It's gets easier to say no and yes and to move towards forgiveness.  Letting go of the things that aren't right for you and that maybe really bad for you.

When I looked at the disparity in values between us it was a real awakening.  It got that much easier to say I don't want this.  :)o you guys see the difference in values now that you've been away for awhile?

This is a very interesting point and question.

I actually saw disparity in values and perspectives between us a lot during the r/s. (And even more now, of course.) At the time, I passed off a lot of it as just "people see the world differently." We did have some values and beliefs in common, but not the majority of them by any means.

While he saw who I was and understood it in a lot of ways (in his "good" times, usually helped by distance), he could never fully understand it. Among many things... . He couldn't believe that I didn't hold grudges. That I didn't get mad at much. That I believed in situational ethics (his black and white thinking didn't allow it). That, for instance, I refused to tell him I would leave him if he cheated (I can't make promises on how I'd react to much of anything before I'm actually confronted with it... . can anyone?).

But the biggest thing, perhaps, was that he just could not believe how I could see humankind in general as inherently good and worthy of love and kindness, even when I know that horrible cruel people exist, even when individuals in my life hurt me. That I didn't view the world as out to get me. I don't know even half of what's in his mind, but what he presented to me is that his very core belief about life and humanity is "me versus them." Everyone is either someone to be f#cked over (or just f#cked, I suppose) or someone who will try to f#ck you over.

We don't and never would see the world in the same way. And I'm thankful for that.