Hello all! I have been lurking here for quite some time but until now have not posted. A big thanks to everyone who has and continues to share their stories of success, setbacks, and healing. I feel like I am at the point where the lessons learned are more valuable than the singular incidents that I experienced. However, I have read my story in the stories of others far too many times to count. Since the patterns and behaviors seem to be similar (predictably unpredictable too) with our EXs it would stand to reason that the strategies and processes for our healing and detachment would also be very similar.
I'm about two years out of my experience with my uBPDexgf and after this much time the one thing I will say to those still progressing through detachment - It gets better! One of the most common questions I asked myself then and see on this board still is- WHEN does it get better? For me, it was when I began to think and use "I" statements instead of "SHE" statements.
She violated my trust and insulted my intelligence by cheating on me and lying constantly about so many things but came running back into my life when things got tough (huge ego boost for me) -
I allowed myself to accept habitually unacceptable behavior with regards to infidelity, and dishonesty but would allow my boundaries to shatter because I thought she had seen the light.
She would always say one thing and do another -
I allowed myself to continue to be focused on someone's words instead of actions.
She was a drama queen and only cared about herself. Her victim mentality and poor me fairy tales of her past made me want to protect her and show her that I was different from all the other guys-
I was insecure with myself and inside this abusive relationship was a "compulsive white knight". I attempted to control her because of my need to "save" her.
She constantly gaslighted, raged, and belittled me which preyed on my insecurities. She talked down to me and made me feel bad about myself and made me question my own sanity -
I allowed someone to disrespect me and assassinate my character for actions which I would never do and thoughts and feelings I would never have because I thought "that's what love is".
She would always pick a fight and try to break up every few days but blame it on something I had said in a certain "tone" or something I had done with malicious intent to "hurt" her -
I allowed myself to continue a relationship where arguing was the main focus of our interactions and my reactions made it worse by invalidating the statements of an emotionally dysregulated person, all in the name of me being misunderstood.
These are examples of how I transformed the "she,she,she" into I and me. Taking responsibility for my actions and learning how to create my own boundaries was a huge revelation. Understanding also that I can't control other people but only how I respond to them. Try not to dwell on shaming or beating yourself up too much while progressing through your healing because true detachment happens when you don't realize it. Great line from a TV show I heard recently. "Every day you wake up it will be the first thing you think about... . until one day it's the second." Time is the best healer around.
Other things that may help: Keep NC going unless there are kids involved or you work together. Then keep it at a businesslike minimum or be the rock in the storm for your children. Make lists of unacceptable behaviors you allowed and read them out loud until they make you sick. Then burn them. Apply the facts, stages, lessons, and all of the other tools seen on this site to your own actions, some of them may not apply to you or you may not see how they do yet, but they are a very helpful guide to healing yourself and growing into the person you want to become.
Learn to love the most important person in your life - YOU. Get physical, get a hobby, learn to play an instrument, write a story, paint a room, volunteer at a homeless or animal shelter, basically create a life that revolves around filling the hole in your heart that doesn't revolve around managing someone else's moods. Focus on being the magical and wonderful person you want to be. Yoke the things in your life that bring you happiness until you feel it naturally. Use this experience to show compassion and feel empathy towards others who are going through their own emotional challenges and self-discoveries on this board and in your life. It sounds cliche because it's been the key to others survival and for some of you right now, in your darkest, loneliest hour, that's exactly what you are doing... . surviving. You are not alone, you are not the first and won't be the last, but you have work to do and it isn't easy. Together we will get through this. I promise you this, when the day comes and feeling the warm sun puts a smile on your face, you WILL know the taste of freedom.
Thank you all for reading and hang in there!
