He reached out on missed connections cl.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Titled: miss me yet?

Just wondering. By now you understand that I will never initiate contact again. How long will your ego keep you trapped? My hands are still red and sore from being slapped away and I can no longer reach out without fear. Sad that two such beautiful souls can no longer communicate. Ah well, being alone is much less painful. A lesson I've learned from knowing you.


This was followed by another missed connection to the girl he works with that he was talking about on fb?

Thoughts? I mean wth... He reaches out to me... . Then reaches out to her?

wth is going through his head?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Titled: miss me yet?

Just wondering. By now you understand that I will never initiate contact again. How long will your ego keep you trapped? My hands are still red and sore from being slapped away and I can no longer reach out without fear. Sad that two such beautiful souls can no longer communicate. Ah well, being alone is much less painful. A lesson I've learned from knowing you.


This was followed by another missed connection to the girl he works with that he was talking about on fb?

Thoughts? I mean wth... He reaches out to me... . Then reaches out to her?

wth is going through his head?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Feeling really hurt and confused. He wrote the one to me right before work time for him and wrote the other one right after work time (the one to other girl) he even posted his place of work... So obvious it was him. Also correlate to fb post so closely. What am I to think?

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Even tho... . I jnow he was an ass in that post. I would have been half excited to see he was reaching out until seeing he wrote one for her too. Freaking here.

[LettingGo14]

HBR -- 

I am going to say this because I care, and I want to help you get unstuck.  This is like quicksand.   If you focus on him, what he's saying, what he's thinking, what he's doing, you sink deeper into quicksand.  You threaten to lose yourself.   Here's a good audio meditation by Tara Brach, called the Fires of Loss, about anxiety and loss.   It may be helpful to listen, let your mind quiet, and return focus to you.

AUDIO: Tara Brach -- "The Fires of Loss"

Your friend,

LG

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I cant hear that now but I can tomorrow!

I just want to understand why the hell is he doing this?

I left bc he wouldnt commit he shows off his new thing for this girl (real or imagined)

And wonders why I wont contact?

[HappyNihilist]

Titled: miss me yet?

Just wondering. By now you understand that I will never initiate contact again. How long will your ego keep you trapped? My hands are still red and sore from being slapped away and I can no longer reach out without fear. Sad that two such beautiful souls can no longer communicate. Ah well, being alone is much less painful. A lesson I've learned from knowing you.

He's being an ass. There is nothing nice in this message. He's trying to make you feel guilty, confused, and sad. He wants you to sit there and try to figure out what he means by it, because then you will be focused on him, and that gives him power over you.

Don't let him have that power. You deserve much, much better. Like LG said, return the focus to yourself. He's not worth your time and attention... . but YOU are. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

 well he succeeded bc I feel all those things.

He tells me he doesnt love me I walk away amd somehow I,

The ass and hes the victim.

Makes sense. And after I cried so hard bc I told him I loved him.

I have been remembeeing good times a lot lately amd fantasizing

About hos sweet side.

I was hoping when he did contact that it would be sweet.

Bc thats what I deserve... Instead I get this sh**

[HappyNihilist]

He tells me he doesnt love me I walk away amd somehow I,

The ass and hes the victim.

Makes sense. And after I cried so hard bc I told him I loved him.

I know, it's crazy-making and so f#cking hurtful. I'm so sorry, sweetie. 

I have been remembeeing good times a lot lately amd fantasizing

About hos sweet side.

There's nothing wrong with remembering the good times, but it's important not to forget the bad times and bad behavior, too. I get very sad sometimes when I think about the good times with my exbf. I'll let myself feel sad, cry a little, savor the memory... . if I'm OK after, then I just go on about my day. But if I start to lose focus and get caught up in the "good," then I go read some of his nastier texts and emails, or remember things he did or said that hurt me to the core. I ask myself, was the deep, searing pain and uncertainty I felt during those (increasingly more frequent) times worth the happiness and excitement of the good times? So far the answer has never been "yes."

I was hoping when he did contact that it would be sweet.

Bc thats what I deserve... Instead I get this sh**

You do deserve sweetness and kindness. I'm so sorry he's continuing to hurt you like this. But think of it this way: this is one more thing you can file away to remind yourself of the bad part, when you find yourself ruminating too much over the good.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thabks,for your replies dude... Really,steuggling now.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Cant stip thinking about that post amd the nerve. So hurt this morning

[HappyNihilist]

Cant stip thinking about that post amd the nerve. So hurt this morning

   

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. Please remember that his issues have nothing to do with you. You are such a sweet, loving person, and you don't deserve this sort of treatment or pain at all.

Maybe it would help to just start writing out your feelings? What's going through your head right now? I've found that, when I'm stuck in a painful loop, it gives me a lot of relief to just let it all out.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

He knows I love the missed connections section. I like the sweet ones  he knew I would see it.

I responded to it... But promotly deleted... I hope he ddidnt see it.

It was of course empathetic but explaining im too vulnerable to,his abuse

In kind words...

He had posted that ok on,the 24th so a week ago. I just saw it.

He was trying get my,attention over a week ago!

How do I get through this? Hes literally talking to me like $h**

In that.

Why the anger at me... ? How is he the victim? I know hes mentally ill but it seriously

Has a hold of my thoughts right now.

[Waifed]

HBR

He is thinking only of himself.  His post was selfish and fraught with emotional abuse.  Your emotions and feelings are not important to him.  He wants control over you.  He wants to know that you are there IF he ever needs you.  You deserve better than that.  No one deserves to be in an emotionally abusive relationship.  I know it seems impossible at this point, but you have to try to accept that this person is and never will be good for you.  What is the most that YOU could ever get out of relationship with him, honestly?  I know it is so difficult to comprehend, but you must try to realize that he saw the relationship with you differently than you saw it.  That has been the most painful thing for me to grasp and accept.  Take it easy on yourself and try to keep busy.  You will be happy again, it just takes time.

[wanttosmileagain]

I am so glad I found this site, I am so sad for all the people feeling this same hurt and confusion.  I keep trying to say to myself the fun happy loving happy BPD man was so great but the other side so scary mean and hurtful. So definitely not worth fantasizing that it could ever be good... .   It doesn't make sense do they really love and hate that much or do they pretend to love because that what normal is and its so exhausting they end up resenting being cold mean hateful and blaming the everyone else

  I just want to believe he did really love me but I find it hard to believe that he did because of all the mean and cold he is capable of... .

[HappyNihilist]

Why the anger at me... ? How is he the victim? I know hes mentally ill but it seriously

Has a hold of my thoughts right now.

I understand completely. When we're hurt and confused, we often get caught up in a destructive thought loop. It's difficult to step back and stop trying to figure out the person's mindset, and to focus instead on our own. I've definitely been down that long, dark rabbit hole many times myself!

This particular exercise helped me tremendously with that.

TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts

How can we change how we think and feel about the situation?  One simple method is the ABC method. OK, so it's really called the Three Minute Exercise and it follows an ABCDEF format, but I'm a simple guy and I think of it as the ABC method.

Basically, it works like this. Our pain comes not just from our experiences, but from how we think and feel about them. If we have irrational beliefs, we cause ourselves pain.

This Three Minute Exercise is very helpful in returning your focus to YOU and your feelings and thoughts. When we identify the beliefs that are causing us pain, we can re-frame them into a healthier, more effective way of thinking. We can overcome the painful cycle of emotional torment that we put ourselves through, and work on finding our happiness and peace.

I know it seems impossible at this point, but you have to try to accept that this person is and never will be good for you.  What is the most that YOU could ever get out of relationship with him, honestly?  I know it is so difficult to comprehend, but you must try to realize that he saw the relationship with you differently than you saw it.   That has been the most painful thing for me to grasp and accept. 

Waifed makes an incredibly good point here. That was one of the hardest things for me personally to truly accept.

When I was in a bad way, it helped me to refer to the 10 Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck. A few people on the board said they had printed out the 10 Beliefs to keep with them at all times -- I did this, too, and it was a tremendous help.

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

We're all here for you and want you to find your happiness. Keep focusing on and exploring YOUR feelings. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

  im strung out! Looking at his fb... He mentioned me! wanting to contacr so badly right now

[Perdita]

im strung out! Looking at his fb... He mentioned me! wanting to contacr so badly right now

What did he say on fb? 

[HappyNihilist]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It certainly sounds like he's trying every way he can think of to get some kind of reaction from you.

wanting to contacr so badly right now

Why do you want to contact him? What feeling is behind that?

I know it's hard right now, but you need to try to let yourself step back and breathe a little. You've been doing such great work on yourself and have come so far. And you did that by focusing on yourself. Try to do that now -- return your focus to YOU. You are in pain and need your attention more than anyone else does. 

[Perdita]

I'll try to read between the lines.

Titled: miss me yet?

You should have contacted me by now

Just wondering.

I can't stop wondering why you haven't begged me to take you back yet.

By now you understand that I will never initiate contact again.

I'm reminding you that you should come to me.  This is your last chance.  I won't contact you again unless I hear nothing from you in which case I'll send another reminder that I won't initiate contact with you.

How long will your ego keep you trapped?

I am the proud one.  This is doing my ego no good. Darn you, woman, darn you!

My hands are still red and sore from being slapped away and I can no longer reach out without fear.

I'm really just a sensitive man, but you are such a scary woman.

Sad that two such beautiful souls can no longer communicate.

I'm just as sweet as you are and sweet people belong together.  Let me use some poet like words to prove it

Ah well, being alone is much less painful.

Ah well, I am just going to pretend it is no big deal by using expressions like "oh well".  After all, you hurt me so much I am actually better off alone.

A lesson I've learned from knowing you.

It's all your fault.


I see a lot of manipulation in his message as well as sarcasm.  He wants you to feel responsibile for everything that's gone wrong between the two of you.  That means that he still doesn't see his part in all of it.  Not a good sign in itself.

This was followed by another missed connection to the girl he works with that he was talking about on fb?

Thoughts? I mean wth... He reaches out to me... . Then reaches out to her?

wth is going through his head?

No one can know for sure.  I'll take a guess and say that he wanted to be alone, but now that he is, he is lonely.  Once he knows that he can still control you he will probably push you away again or say something even more confusing.  He is testing you to see if he still has a hold on you.  I'm sorry he didn't have nicer things to say. Would have been nice had he written something heartfelt.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It certainly sounds like he's trying every way he can think of to get some kind of reaction from you.

wanting to contacr so badly right now

Why do you want to contact him? What feeling is behind that?

I know it's hard right now, but you need to try to let yourself step back and breathe a little. You've been doing such great work on yourself and have come so far. And you did that by focusing on yourself. Try to do that now -- return your focus to YOU. You are in pain and need your attention more than anyone else does. 

I want to contact him bc I know if I show up at his place he ll wrap his arms around me and kiss me... Then we ll make love and ill get that feeling again. I dunno hes comfortable and we have great sex. Plus I truly love him. Im about 60% sure imma show up at his place tomorrow.

Perdita... . Depressing I know youre right. He is blaiming me... But I still cant stip plotting ways to talk to him right now. He knew exactly what buttons to push

[Perdita]

Perdita... . Depressing I know youre right. He is blaiming me... But I still cant stip plotting ways to talk to him right now. He knew exactly what buttons to push

I know what you mean.  It is hard to break the connection.  If it were easy there wouldn't be a need for this board.