What did you lose?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 

In reality what did you really lose when your ex left you or you left them?

Sure we loved them, but at the end what did you really lose though?

What I lost (Who she is)

Someone selfish

Someone cruel

Someone with no commitment even though we were married

Someone who doesn't understand what love is

Someone who is a liar

Someone is ungrateful

Someone who mocks God constantly

Someone who is an actor

Someone who has no remorse

Someone who blames

Someone who abandons

Someone who rages

Someone who demeans

What did you really lose when you lost your ex?

[AwakenedOne]

 

In reality what did you really lose when your ex left you or you left them?

Sure we loved them, but at the end what did you really lose though?

What I lost (Who she is)

Someone selfish

Someone cruel

Someone with no commitment even though we were married

Someone who doesn't understand what love is

Someone who is a liar

Someone is ungrateful

Someone who mocks God constantly

Someone who is an actor

Someone who has no remorse

Someone who blames

Someone who abandons

Someone who rages

Someone who demeans

What did you really lose when you lost your ex?

[Narellan]

My heart. And trust. That's what I lost.

Oh yeah and my parents, sister, best friend, other mutual acquaintance friends, my regular girls night drinks, my social circle.

I lost myself.

[NewMom]

I lost my heart and myself as well :'(

All of those statements you wrote are right.  Now that I know that.  But before all I could see was that the world was upside down and the man I loved for close to 20 years didn't come close to the feelings I had.  And the women who kept/keep getting involved with him, even though they knew we were married didn't care that he was - also extremely disappointing and shooting my naivité down.  The hurt will enable me to move on but not without some pretty deep scars.

[Dutched]

I lost my D23 because of all.

She wrote: “I prefer to live with grieve of not seeing you, instead of grieving because you can’t coop with my standards”…  NC since more than 2 yrs, although I reached out to her several times.

Damn that hurts losing a child too!  Won’t be able to bring her to he wedding altar one day! 

Lost my family, the most important in my life

My heart

Lost my total life after +30 yrs.

Lost all of my dreams, plans we made for near and far future

My trust in other people (besides a few close friends and family), keeping people at a distant in order not to be hurt again.

At mid 50 now I lost my secured financial future, can’t be regained.

It’s more than 3 yrs after she left, still fighting and wondering every day.

Questioning myself if I ever will be able to overcome all, which I still doubt.

Was all a Broadway play, in which I unnoticed participated, being there as “tower of strength” to rely on, giving love, taking care of, stability, useful as sperm donor and debit card?

Asking myself what I didn’t loose might be a very short list.

In fact giving love, being a good father for S19.

[sirius]

I lost all my friends, one of my brother, potential friends, business, believes, my foundation, trust, confidence, self esteem... . basically everything

There is nothing for me to lose anymore... . what the hell

[Narellan]

This is such a sad thread. Maybe we should talk about what we didn't lose?

[AwakenedOne]

When I posted this question I thought the discussion would go a different way. I thought we would focus more on our ex's and what we really lost when the relationship ended concerning them.

I guess the intent of the post was that we could see that our ex's were not healthy for us and that losing a toxic person in a good way could give us a second chance to find someone healthy again in our lives to love and have our dreams come true with.

Reading the responses so far are very sad. I have learned two valuable things from posting this though.

1. Some others have it way worse than I do. I should give thanks for what I do have.

What I lost - 4 years of time - my marriage - dreams that I had with this person that we would have come true in our life together. After being abandoned by her I lost all money, a car, a job, a place to live and had to drop out of school.

2. Losing our ex's is an extremely complicated thing that affects lives (families)(loved ones) besides the ones breaking up (us). There are no simple answers for a question like this.

Thank you for helping me understand this  

Peace,

AO

[sirius]

sorry folks... . what I mean is, we lost someone that we really loved once upon a time that comes with really bad behaviour. In the midst of losing the person that we loved, we lose part of ourselves too with it. And beeing through the soul searching process and been in here, we also found something of ourselves that was buried away for a long time when we started the relationsship.

That's what I feel and letting go of that and replacing it with something that we had in ourselves by learning to love ourselves more, that once we were good at that before the toxic relationship started.

[Narellan]

Hey AO, my responses are just where I'm at with the detachment... . Still sad... . Still trying to get past the pain. In a few months I might answer differently. Sorry I was the first response, I can see it could go either way depending on whether you're grieving or moved on.

There was nothing wrong with the question. 

[sirius]

Dear AO and Narellan,

I am 12 weeks into the split and 34 days into NC, I am still grieving... . moved on and then back to griving again... . once in a while it feels horrible.

Most of the time, I've been thinking of what I have been missing... . my ex most of it and also some things that I have missed doing or places I missed going before the r/s.

Somehow, counting the things you lose is also counting the things you gain because of the b/u.

[AwakenedOne]

Dear AO and Narellan,

I am 12 weeks into the split and 34 days into NC, I am still grieving... . moved on and then back to griving again... . once in a while it feels horrible.

Most of the time, I've been thinking of what I have been missing... . my ex most of it and also some things that I have missed doing or places I missed going before the r/s.

Somehow, counting the things you lose is also counting the things you gain because of the b/u.

Hey Sirius,

Sorry your hurting, it's very understandable. I remember when I was at 34 days NC. I am at 9 months NC now. I have some down days, I'm tied to her till divorced. What do you do for fun now and do you have anything that helps you take your mind off of her a bit? I play guitar that is huge escape for me. Hang in there Sirius.

Peace,

AO

[mywifecrazy]

In reality what did you really lose when your ex left you or you left them?

Sure we loved them, but at the end what did you really lose though?

The positive things that I thought I lost:

A caring partner, a loving mother to my kids, a soulmate, our family unit, a best friend,

My future life with her, my confidant, all the good memories of our life together

I DIDN'T loose these things because I NEVER really had them. It was all smoke and mirrors a FABRICATION. A CLEVER deception to keep me blinded to her double life

What I really lost:

Being married to a SICK, SICK person who would still be lying to me and manipulating me so she could run around and screw other people. A person who thinks so little of me that she accused me of raping her, beating on her and my kids just so she could have people feel sorry for her (yeah I'm gonna miss that!). A lazy person! A partner who doesn't want to work, a mother who would leave her kids alone in the middle of the night to go screw the neighbor, a woman who didn't give A RATS ASS about me

What I gained or saved:

My sanity, my house, my retirement looks better (addition by subtraction), my health, my faith in God, my kids (I have primary custody), Her families respect (now they know the truth about me now that her lies are exposed), true friends who care about me, a healthy outlook on life. I gained FINALLY finding out the truth. AND THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!

[going places]

In reality what did you really lose when your ex left you or you left them?

Sure we loved them, but at the end what did you really lose though?

What I lost (Who she is)

Someone selfish

Someone cruel

Someone with no commitment even though we were married

Someone who doesn't understand what love is

Someone who is a liar

Someone is ungrateful

Someone who mocks God constantly

Someone who is an actor

Someone who has no remorse

Someone who blames

Someone who abandons

Someone who rages

Someone who demeans

What did you really lose when you lost your ex?

A heartache.

Nothing but a heart ache.

It's a fool's game

Nothing but a fools game

Standing in the cold rain

Feeling like a clown

I am more focused on what successes lie ahead, than I am what is behind me.

If I am doing 70 down the interstate, I cannot keep staring in the tiny rear view mirror, looking at what's behind me.

I am looking thru the giant windshield of what's to come!

[Dutched]

AwakenedOne,

There is no need to apologize in any way, don’t feel as such.

Our stories are sad, we are hurt to the core of ourselves.

I also reacted in a sad way.  Doesn’t prevent me to feel the pain and moving forward day by day with my memory and being confronted with myself. In a way learning to walk again.

Yes, I gained some too, there are no eggshells in my house anymore to walk on

[Infared]

Wow... . this is a sad thread... . but BPD  relationships cause a lot of pain. I feel that I lost a lot more than I gained... . although I learned a lot and was able to eventually love myself I still have this feeling which is hard to explain to people:

If someone loses a leg it is gone, it does not grow back. I feel that in the fallout from that severe, abrupt ending that emotionally I had my leg cut off... . and it never grew back. I am not going to say "I lost me"... . but I will say that I was changed in a way that I do not like (damaged).

... . by going completely NC, getting therapy, and joining self help group things have gotten better and I love and respect who I am, but I have found that I will not take the chance on my well-being by getting into another romantic relationship.  What I thought was wonderful turned into something soo ugly that I do not know how to unlearn that.

I have a low-ebb sadness inside that does not go away, but I try to concentrate on the other aspects of life that give me joy and put my energy there. I am at least guaranteed not to suffer that kind of pain ever again. That gives me some peace.

[mywifecrazy]

@Infared

I don't know how for out of your relationship you are but you need to give yourself time. everyone goes through stages. It will be a year for me this Father's Day when I caught my uBPDxw with another man so it's almost been a year for me. I'm at a much better place now than I was just three months ago. And three months ago I was much further along then when the bomb first one off. Complete healing takes time we must all go through each stage to get to the place where we are completely healed and whole again.

For me it was 20 years. I know and recognize now that I can't expect to be fully healed in just one year. But I must say I am overwhelmed with joy at the progress I have made in such a short time!

... . by going completely NC, getting therapy, and joining self help group things have gotten better and I love and respect who I am, but I have found that I will not take the chance on my well-being by getting into another romantic relationship.

I am doing the same things as you and they have proven to be a blessing to me (keep it up). And I know EXACTLY how you feel about getting into another relationship! I've decided to just focus I getting myself healthy and happy on my own. If I ever meet someone again rest assured she will be HEALTHY and happy with who she is or I will never be in a relationship again and that is OK with me.

Peace Brother!

[Narellan]

Infared I could have written your post. I am totally the same way. I'm only 10 weeks out though. Despite the profound sadness I feel a new me isn't far away. A better stronger me.

I don't regret this relationship. I needed to have it to find myself. I am truly grateful to my exBPD. Lots of the things I lost in this relationship I needed to lose. I was far to naive and vulnerable, and I'm a better person now I'm not so blatantly trusting of people.

[sirius]

Thanks AO, I pray when I am down, got down on my knees and talk to GOD like I talk to my P about how I feel.

mywifecrazy, I can relate, the hardest thing is to come to terms that all the sincere love and loyalty was just an illusion. I thought we had a life together and to find out later that she had several lives outside our r/s. I was accused of these things as well and when I found out she cheating on me for 7 years out of our 12 years r/s, I was lost beyond words as i gave my entire life to her.

AO, don't have to apologize, sometimes these things "trigger" us back to the memories as we are still grieving at some point... . it gets better, like Dutched said... . no more eggshells

[kba1969]

I lost the chance to call it a beautiful relationship.

I lost my respect for many of her friends and family.

I lost... . you know what?  I didn't lose anything, I've only gained knowledge about most importantly, myself.  Yea I can say I lost some stuff but I'm calling it a gain.

[Infared]

Narellan... .

yes... . I read your other posts up above and you are so deep in the forest right now.  I am sure that my situation is quite a bit different than most on this page.  I am 10 years out of contact with my ex pwBPD. That's right 10 years.  I did not know about BPD when that all went down.  I had contact for about a year after she ran off,  but it was so abusive. This person had been very passive and sweet during the relationship and then when she ran off to new hero and villainized me... . it was so sudden.  Her and her new hero would go out of their way to emotionally abuse me. It was so shocking and painful.  I really loved her parents and they loved me (my family, I choose to have no contact with, but that is another discussion)... . all that ended. Right before the split I lost a killer job from no fault of my own. Downsizing. I had to move from our home after she ran off and my mother got sick and died over a period of a year. I was totally there for her, that helped and caused me pain because I had no partner for support. All in one year. I also had to deal with alcoholism... that was very dormant during our relationship... . but I was in so much pain it came raging back into my life as a "solution".  I almost committed suicide several times the pain was soo great... . I slowly overcame all of these things. I healed as best I could.  

I am not a young man... . I will be 60years old in Nov. I am a young 60, fit, healthy decent looking guy who gets along with people.  I just pulled in on my motorcycle before typing this! :-)  I dated someone 2-years out... explained to her my past and that I was trying to open up. I was opening up, but she could not "really" include me in her family and I just sensed I could not trust her... . She was QUITE beautiful and older than me ... . but I just felt I could not trust her.  It was like she wanted an "F"-Buddy or something and I wanted a partner. So part of this is my age... . but I decided to break that off, (we are still friends) and I let my self heal form that... . and I looked around (I live in NJ... . so that demographic does not help... . it is so all about money here... . but I just do not care about that), and I just got to this place where I have my work, good friends... . I live in a very modest apt., but right on the beach... . and I just said felt I didn't have another relationship in me.  My life is peaceful and simple. I just don't want another rollercoaster ride. I watch people go thru the turnstyle to that all the time... . and I just sit back and laugh.   I just want peace and serenity and simple. For me... that means being alone.  ... . but I am not recommending that or anything... . it has just been my path.

I still see my ex... and there is no telling what she is going to do when I see her... . but I can count on it being something very immature from both her and her partner.  I am always minding my business. They are not. I just do nothing and figure out at that moment what is the best thing I can do to protect me... . and that is what I do. If she tries to make contact, I get up and go. I have not talked to her in person or in any media for over ten years. It still matters to me... . but there is nothing to be done. Nothing. Part of me will always miss her and part of me will always hate her.

Sorry the post is son long ... . but I did not know how to condense it.

[MrEveryman]

I lost a lover, companion and meaningful friendship of many years.

I lost a potential future and the dreams i had that included her.

I lost another family who took to me and welcomed me.

However i also lost some other things else:

I lost the doubt i carried with me for many years regarding the fact that i would make a good life partner after my own struggles.

I lost the doubt that i would make a good lover, companion and friend through the years.

I lost the doubt about all relationships i began eventually fading.

I lost my ignorance of the deep pain people with mental issues face every day.

I lost weight and gained a physique on a par with my mental capabilities, becoming closer to "the complete picture" i saw for myself.

I regained the confidence to approach women i had when i was in my younger prime.

---

She lost me and all i had for her. 

One day someone else will share what i have to offer without exception, and that is a very exciting thought.

[AwakenedOne]

I am glad this thread has turned out to be helpful to others to vent, share and reflect. I will add a bit more to the discussion.

What I lost:

It's hard to believe that the person I asked to marry me (uBPDstbxw) would one day not care if I exist. She mirrored me so much I have no idea of who she really even is. The mirroring was not necessary, I liked her, what I thought was her from the first day I met her. Even after 4 years I don't know who she is or what was real with the HUGE amount of lies. I know she doesnt ultimately care about me though for sure. As others have stated in recent threads here, I saw a lot of premediated horrible actions and decisions from my wife that come pretty close to being considered "evil". She abandoned the marriage and left me to flounder with nothing and nowhere to go in reality and no easy way to rebuild.

I am rebuilding anyway and taking things one day at a time. I have not given up on a single dream for the rest of my life. I face the reality that I have been dealt a huge setback though. I was crushed after being abandoned. I am suprisingly doing better every day. Just thinking what I really lost (the real her) helps me detach. I have my own techniques to recover. I know I am detaching because if I saw her with another guy now on the street it wouldnt massively bother me. I can actually say I dont love her any more, or at least I dont think I do. If I still have love for her it's like a 2% milk love. The love of her is just the fat content of life's milk. When I type out I dont love her it is painful actually to say this. I feel like I am saying something wrong and betraying her. I don't really understand this. Probably a result of her attempted constant brainwashing methods against me of saying I am so bad, terrible, evil, worthless, etc. etc... .

For those of you that your wounds are fresh and just coming from the breakup, the saying "It gets better with time" is true. Time doesnt make it better though, it just deadens and dulls which makes it better or not as worse. I wasn't expecting to meet or marry this person in that moment of time in my life. I feel the same thing will happen with the future MS. Right. She will come along and we will ride of into the sunset on a horse together named Horsey.

Peace,

AO

[moveforward]

I have lost all the endless nights crying in bed trying to understand why someone I loved so much could treat me so badly

I lost having to be in constant alert not to do or say anything that wld trigger an unwanted reaction

I lost being criticized by the things I do, eat, dress and blablabla….

I lost the hope and belief that one day things would get better, that if tried hard enough they would improve

I lost the rollercoaster ride

I lost the feeling I was responsible for my xBPD

I lost the fairytale that only existed in my mind

After loosing so much ☺ I have realized that the only way forward is through self analysis and deep understanding of the reasons/motivation for enduring so much under such poor stimuli….

Easier said than done, however, after hitting rock bottom you realize that the only thing you can do next is to get up…. 

Peace X

[Infared]

I wish we could all get together for coffee and discuss this... .

[Narellan]

Same infared but wed probably all talk over the top of each other .

We'd need a long weekend !

[tholian]

For me, i've lost the ability to trust people. I used to be full of life and had a care free attitude. But nowadays, the joy is not there cause the scar and pain she left is too much.

[woodsposse]

 

I had to skip to the end and not read through the rest of the posts cause I felt moved to share what is on my head tonight.

Yes, I did loose the same types of things everyone else is sharing.  I lost what future we could have had - and I lost the past I thought I had.  It took me a long time to get to a point where thinking about what actually happened in our relationship (the things she lied about, or me not knowing what she actually did) didn't bother me so badly.

I realize, now, that I have lost the ability to really trust anyone.  There is a huge part of me which just doesn't care.  Like that part of me is shut down.  I almost expect that everyone will lie or cheat - and it just doesn't matter at times.

I want that to be different, but right now... . the truth is - it's gone.

[blissful_camper]

I realize, now, that I have lost the ability to really trust anyone.  There is a huge part of me which just doesn't care.  Like that part of me is shut down.  I almost expect that everyone will lie or cheat - and it just doesn't matter at times.

I want that to be different, but right now... . the truth is - it's gone.

Ditto.  It's something I'm actively working on changing. 

Blissful "optimistic that we can all heal and trust once again" Camper

[mywifecrazy]

I realize, now, that I have lost the ability to really trust anyone.  There is a huge part of me which just doesn't care.  Like that part of me is shut down.

I want that to be different, but right now... . the truth is - it's gone.

And that's OK to feel that way for now. We all were the exact opposite when we met our pwBPD and got into our relationships. We were naive, gullible and BLINDLY loyal to our SO and we all paid the price for being too trusting. We were UNHEALTHY for this reason.

The pendulum is now swinging back and we are all going to be untrusting and very guarded for a time. But as we heal and become healthy the pendulum will center itself and we will have the proper balance of trust and keen observation to pick up on those     

[woodsposse]

 

The funny part about the  is that... . I see them.  I have always seen them.  Even now.  Back in the day (when I didn't put 2 and 2 together) and didn't know about the effects of dealing with someone disordered, I just thought it was normal operating procedure.  Yes, because of my childhood issues, it seemed normal to stay in it and try and intellectualize my way through it.

After my split with my (now) exwife, I got into another relationship... . saw all the flags and just didn't care.

I mean, a part of me cared - but I was so hurt (and still am) I was wiling to take what "good" in that r/s and just not even pay attention to the flags.  But, subconsciously I know it still bothered me... . and that is the part I know I'm working on now.

I have to remain conscious of the fact when things are going on around me I just don't like or emotionally I'm just not "feeling it" - because if I ignore it or just let it be... . then I get all jumbled in my head and have a difficult time processing.

It's like I know what I have to do - but a part of me doesn't do it and then I try and rationalize it.  I get to talking about the same thing over and over and over.  Sometimes I don't even realize I had already talked about it.

I brought it up in a therapy session... . and my therapist said 'yeah, we talked about this last week'.  I was floored.  I couldn't even recall that I had already talked about it.  She flat out told me "you have been surrounded by disordered women your entire life." 

And it's true.  It all started back with my mom... . I finally was able to identify that.  That helped me at least understand a bunch of stuff.  But my r/s with my wife over the past 20 years had really done a number on my head.  That is the junk I'm still trying to work through.

I've got some additional work I need to do... . because I like me when I'm me (and not bogged down by negative memories... . or triggers.  God I hate triggers.)  They just pop up at the most inopportunie times.