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Author Topic: Seen her new BF  (Read 3959 times)
blueman54321
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« Reply #30 on: June 01, 2014, 06:01:00 PM »

 

That person within me, was the wounded child that once again, had been rejected, left feeling as though I had little to no self-worth even to a person who was damaged.  That was pretty hard to swallow for me and made me eventually realize that wounded inner-self was causing me as much pain and grief as she did.

This resonates with me deeply, I think I am one of those people, and perhaps the gift they eventually give us is this realisation. And the life long strength that surely comes with dealing with these internal issues.

I am working on it but I do think I will need outside help to help me see clearly.

She knows I'm weak, I just received an email from her asking me how I am and that she wants to communicate.

Out of nowhere, after complete silence, I get an email. On a Sunday night, I'm guessing she needs validation or something.

She even apologised, and was cutesy.

Help needed. I guess it's no contact? Can I reply to this is some way? Is this a trap?
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arjay
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« Reply #31 on: June 01, 2014, 06:06:47 PM »

Out of nowhere, after complete silence, I get an email. On a Sunday night, I'm guessing she needs validation or something.

She even apologised, and was cutesy.

Help needed. I guess it's no contact? Can I reply to this is some way? Is this a trap?

If you remember the movie "The Matrix", Trinity said to Neo "You already know where that road leads.  :)o you really want to go back"?

Count on her contacting you on-and-off over time.  It is part of the deal and simply means she is looking for another "temporary lifeline", and it will be temporary.  You will inevitably be "kicked again".

Peace to you
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blueman54321
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« Reply #32 on: June 01, 2014, 06:10:01 PM »

An excerpt:

"How are you? I'm sorry for cutting you off outright, the time has alleviated anxieties of talking to you again. I understand this may have hurt you, but I hope you feel better."

I'm baffled by this.

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blueman54321
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« Reply #33 on: June 01, 2014, 06:10:59 PM »

Out of nowhere, after complete silence, I get an email. On a Sunday night, I'm guessing she needs validation or something.

She even apologised, and was cutesy.

Help needed. I guess it's no contact? Can I reply to this is some way? Is this a trap?

If you remember the movie "The Matrix", Trinity said to Neo "You already know where that road leads.  :)o you really want to go back"?

Count on her contacting you on-and-off over time.  It is part of the deal and simply means she is looking for another "temporary lifeline", and it will be temporary.  You will inevitably be "kicked again".

Peace to you

Yes I guess she has noone to talk to, perhaps she feels out of depth with whoever she's seeing.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #34 on: June 01, 2014, 06:12:37 PM »

She understand she hurt me, perhaps because I told her... .
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blueman54321
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« Reply #35 on: June 01, 2014, 06:13:36 PM »

I am not replying.
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arjay
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« Reply #36 on: June 01, 2014, 06:18:03 PM »

I am not replying.

Good for you and I commend you too.  I did receive two emails from my ex early on (after she left) and the results were sadly the same.  It set me back a month and since then I am "off the grid".  It has been seven years of NC and it was tough and I am much happier because of it.

In those moments of weakness, read and post here to remind yourself why it is better staying NC.  The clock starts all over each time we reach out, along with all the pain all over again.  I simply got to the point of "being tired of being tired".  It was a very happy day too, because I then realized I had only myself to blame for any more grief and pain.

Hang in here and congrats on another mini-victory.
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Should I stay or...
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« Reply #37 on: June 02, 2014, 05:43:06 PM »

Blueman,  you're awfully quiet... . did you reply?
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blueman54321
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« Reply #38 on: June 03, 2014, 03:27:46 PM »

Yes

Having a weird "work colleague" type back and forth with her.

She hasn't changed, the undertones are still there.

Although she's been remarkably nice on the whole, apart from a few times where I touched on her behaviour.

If she wants to communicate like this that's fine. I actually don't feel particularly emotional towards her anymore, and don't go out of my way to reply. I do understand she's only communicating to either keep me enmeshed, or she is bored, or feeling insecure or something about her. But I am keeping an emotional distance, and not trying at that, either.

Very weird.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #39 on: June 03, 2014, 03:28:32 PM »

Apart from that I'm very busy work wise and am talking casually to a girl. Maybe that helps.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #40 on: June 03, 2014, 03:34:57 PM »

She is trying to make out her life is great, and she is making new friends, but I know this is on the back of this new guy, who is taking it slow, I wonder what he thinks of her having no friends and sleeping in her little brothers bed, maybe this is a red flag, but who knows what she's fed him.

She may have forgotten who I am, but I certainly haven't forgotten who she is, and I know she is incapable of any real friendship because she doesn't care about anyone else except herself. She is trying to convince me of the charade she is portraying to this new social scene, but I see through her. First the victim, then the survivor etc.

A snippet from one of her emails:

"

I'm more independent now in general, I have friends now which is surprising. I am trying to make an effort in relation to emotions. Currently a little guarded but that is to expected I imagine. I hope with a little time and experience with these situations will help me let go of my controlling ways. Funny thing is, I have no alterior motives in terms of relations, I'm finally seeing them for what they are... . People with character, nice, flawed, kind, with hearts and brains.

"

No idea what the intentions of this was?

I haven't mentioned this behaviour to her, so perhaps she is either trying to convince herself? Or trying to get some psychological advice from me, I used to be her armchair psychologist at times.

Or maybe she's trying to make me believe she's getting better, or trying to hint that I was responsible for her behaviour and dysfunction. But then, why tell me?

Or this bull___ rhetoric she is feeding everyone... .

Who knows.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #41 on: June 03, 2014, 03:40:33 PM »

Certainly I think the comment about being guarded towards these new people means she is feeling uncomfortable. And insecure, and maybe lost as whether she likes to believe it or not, she still has BPD.

Not to mention she only spent 1 weekend with them, not a hard task to mask who she is for any borderline tbh.

As evidenced by the fact I can trigger her insanely easy by just mentioning some of her behaviour towards me that she doesn't want to hear, because it means she would have to admit guilt, or feel shame, or whatever, which she incapable of doing.

I am not giving her any advice though, that's not my place anymore.

I think she needs to realise that she needs therapeutic help with a sustained program for a fair bit of time before she will make any progress.

Breaking up with me, running to her mums and idealising 4 people in a row in 2 months is not the answer.

As you can see I'm very cynical, and I think that's right to be.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #42 on: June 05, 2014, 04:37:57 PM »

I guess you guys dissaprove...
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goldylamont
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« Reply #43 on: June 05, 2014, 05:09:52 PM »

i don't think disapprove is the right term. perhaps concerned is a better term.

at the end of the day the dynamic is still that she has all the power in the r/s between you. she's already moved on with multiple people, and then found someone new as her main SO. when she's communicating with you there's little to no hurt going on on her part, just the benefit of knowing you are there, that you will respond no matter what. perhaps that you are still hurting for all of your deficiencies in her eyes.

personally i think you should think about destroying the bond you have with her with the same resolve as she's destroyed her bond with you. right now it worries me because i feel like you pretty much are absolved to respond to her on her terms, and you are ok with this.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #44 on: June 05, 2014, 05:12:38 PM »

Actually I'm not ok, I've been thinking about her more and more and are developing feelings again.

I've made a mistake.

I am starting to miss her again.
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goldylamont
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« Reply #45 on: June 05, 2014, 05:22:38 PM »

Actually I'm not ok, I've been thinking about her more and more and are developing feelings again.

I've made a mistake.

I am starting to miss her again.



i could sense this, hence my concern 

my question is, how do you see your 'freindship' with your ex playing out? if you could look into a crystal ball and see one and two years ahead in the future, how will things end up with this friendship? what will she do and what would you be doing? i'm trying to get a sense for where you are is all.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #46 on: June 05, 2014, 05:26:21 PM »

She can't maintain friendships, so I guess it will fizzle out quickly, she may contact me in years to come perhaps.

Or

We get back together again. (not likely).

I had forgotten her, my brain somehow blocked her and I couldn't really remember her face for a while, but it has come back, to the forefront of my mind and I urge to see her again if I'm honest.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #47 on: June 05, 2014, 05:27:20 PM »

Not as strong as I thought I was .
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Blimblam
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« Reply #48 on: June 05, 2014, 06:03:06 PM »

Actually I'm not ok, I've been thinking about her more and more and are developing feelings again.

I've made a mistake.

I am starting to miss her again.



i could sense this, hence my concern 

my question is, how do you see your 'freindship' with your ex playing out? if you could look into a crystal ball and see one and two years ahead in the future, how will things end up with this friendship? what will she do and what would you be doing? i'm trying to get a sense for where you are is all.



That's exactly what I did goldy.  I just saw an endless pattern of toxic pain she had already lost respect for me and now she held all the power. Extremely reluctantly I decided to cut it off. The trust is gone and they wont make an effort to gain it back so what is left?
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blueman54321
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« Reply #49 on: June 06, 2014, 06:04:04 PM »

Going to be a difficult weekend.
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Arminius
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« Reply #50 on: June 06, 2014, 06:17:17 PM »

Going to be a difficult weekend.

Keep checking in here, keep reading others' experiences, it will, WILL help you. It's helped me and I was in the pit.

Stay strong.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #51 on: June 06, 2014, 06:26:18 PM »

God I've heard she is single again .
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blueman54321
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« Reply #52 on: June 06, 2014, 06:30:24 PM »

God I've heard she is single again .

Ok I'm clearly f**ked up again, I had a panic attack when I heard that.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #53 on: June 06, 2014, 06:38:06 PM »

Now it all makes sense, the recent contact. F**k I'm such an idiot.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #54 on: June 06, 2014, 06:43:09 PM »

Yep I've taken a massive internal step backwards, I can't get her out of mind now, I think I still love her.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #55 on: June 06, 2014, 07:18:06 PM »

It's hard to realise that they don't think/feel the way you do.
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Blimblam
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« Reply #56 on: June 06, 2014, 08:46:13 PM »

It's hard to realise that they don't think/feel the way you do.

yes it is.  Coming to this realization almost destroyed me.  I wish I found this site much much sooner.

conundrum boiled it all down to one line for me.

"Not relationship material."

they have no concept of what it takes to have a healthy relationship and that will be what causes pain on both sides.  The problem is they put a spell on you to lie to yourself into believing they are relationship material.
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Blimblam
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« Reply #57 on: June 06, 2014, 08:48:08 PM »

oops double post
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blueman54321
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« Reply #58 on: June 09, 2014, 06:47:18 PM »

Yeah she did it again, starting to learn my lesson now.

We spoke on the phone and she started crying, she then spent 2 hours on the phone, and then we spoke for hours after on facebook, she sent me songs saying I need to listen to them that the lyrics were things like "I still love you". She even agreed to meet.

Turns out today it's all different, what happened was her 5th relationship in 2 months had broken down. And now she's on her 6th, with a date on saturday, different person today, the meet is off.

Why do I bother with her, she's self destructing like she always has, f**k her, I'm done, I can do better and I always knew this.
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goldylamont
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« Reply #59 on: June 10, 2014, 04:34:07 AM »

blueman check out this article (it's short) and let me know what you think

www.toko-pa.com/2010/05/19/dreamspeak-owning-your-destroy/
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