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Author Topic: Seen her new BF  (Read 3960 times)
Infared
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« Reply #60 on: June 10, 2014, 05:09:15 AM »

Blueman... .

Hate to see you suffering.

Whenever you interact with this person you end up suffering.

I kept banging my head against that wall and just was too enmeshed to see the obvious.

I feel for ya, that kind of pain is excruisiating.

Keep getting support and try to take care of you. I know that you will sort this out.
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Front runner
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« Reply #61 on: June 10, 2014, 07:55:32 AM »

blueman check out this article (it's short) and let me know what you think

www.toko-pa.com/2010/05/19/dreamspeak-owning-your-destroy/

Great
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blueman54321
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« Reply #62 on: June 10, 2014, 12:56:55 PM »

I think that article is correct, people do shy away from negative emotions. They are there for a reason, negative emotions don't exist to be ignored. I embrace them (perhaps a little too much) and deal with them, even if they feel like they are going to destroy me, and have very real physical manifestations.

Infared, I know she is hurting me, but every time it gets a little easier to deal with, I knew it was coming this time, I was wary speaking to her, I never told her I loved her, and in fact I don't think I do actually love her anymore, I can't love this person who she is now, or who she always was, simple as that. What I am infactuated with is the good times, the feeling, the intimacy that we shared, not who she actually is beneath the mask.

I wasn't that affected this time when she turned cold, I cried, I nearly lost motivation, but then I got on my exercise bike and rode until it went away and now today I feel very cynical about her, she has strengthened my resolve in a way because she has proven that she is the one who is wrong, she's the person who is messed up and I have been her victim, I try not to play the victim and I am doing well in my life now, I have a great new job, seeing my friends again and looking better by the day with the exercise. I just need to sleep better.

I still obsess about her a little bit, I do want to see her, to get some validation, I want to show up, be strong, and show her what she has lost. She doesn't want to at the moment, I think she is afraid if I'm honest. I think she knows it will upset her, particularly as her situation stinks and has got worse and worse since we broke up, despite the fact she thinks she is happy, she tells me her life sucks all the time and she is stressed and anxious and she's not having a good time, the hypocrisy in what she tells me is obvious, it's like she forgets the 'im happy' front within a minute or two and then talks about how everythings fu**ed up and her life sucks.

Call me evil, but I take some happiness in that.

She knows she lost someone special, she told me that when she was drunk and she weeped.

I will never take her back, she has slept with someone now, yeah, she had the balls to tell me that, and apparently it sucked. A one night stand, healthy. Who is now currently walking away from her. Back to her old tricks before she met me it seems.

I would lose all my self respect if I got back with her. Yet, I still miss her. Or do I?

It's hard letting go, I think I'll always love her a little bit but I don't think I'll ever like her, or love her in that way again.

Bottom line is she's a dysfunctional, impulsive, self-destructive, maniacle, childish hoe, who messes with people she says she cares about. She's selfish, loud mouthed, lazy and rude. I fell in love with that once, I was neieve, I let her in too far, I let her in all the way, because I'm like that, I don't hold back when I truly love someone, and I've only truly loved one person so far, and she was it, and she broke that, she ran away from it, and now she's gone too far to get it back, and she knows it, deep down, she ignores it, but one day she will understand.

I know this because I can read between the lines, I know her, and I know her grass is greener attitude is not working out, she'll never replace me, she'll never find someone that will love her the way I loved her, she knew that once, for a long time she knew that, and one day it will hit her between the eyes like a bullet.

She's made the biggest mistake of her life, and it's creeping in on her.

I made the biggest mistake of my life, the day I gave her my heart. She didn't deserve it.

"

Hate me when I'm gone, I'll make it worth your while when I'm successful

But when I'm here I need your kindness 'cause the climb is always stressful

Clumsily gass myself by thinking I'll be better off alone

I'll leave my peace in pieces all around the decent people back at home

'Cause I'm a big boy and I don't let no one in

If I pull the wool back from my eyes I can see clearly

The world is at my feet and I am standing on the ceiling

Wohohohohh

And I FALL, FALL, FALL, when it all comes down

And I won't be crushed by the weight of this town

I fall from the sky but I won't fall forever

I fall but when I rise I'll be STRONGER THAN EVER

I'm not alone I'm just focused in my zone, this is easy.

I'm fine I just need time to turn this into home believe me.

"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoyMvE5g7f8&feature=kp
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blueman54321
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« Reply #63 on: June 10, 2014, 06:18:10 PM »

So I have a lot of convoluted feelings at the moment.

We talked and I demanded she tell me we were never going to meet ever again. I told her I needed her to say it.

She refused at first. She avoided it and made an excuse that her parents were listening.

Later she tip toed around it.

Eventually I got her to say it over the phone, but she put no effort into it and didn't seem to care.

I gave her some realisations about herself and her recent behaviour, she tried to justify herself by proving to me things, I pointed out her hypocrisy in many ways and she responded as expected. Denial, refusal, attacking. etc.

One ear out the other.

Regardless, she'll probably think about it anyway.

She wasn't upset that we will never meet again, it was, literally, like talking to a child, she didn't understand why I was asking her, found it ennoying and was like a brick wall, but she said it anyway, in a most apathetic way.

She tried to tell me she cared for me even though she wasn't upset.

I told her I would be upset if I wasn't ever to see my cat again, let alone someone you loved deeply. She was unmoved.

I asked her if I ever meant anything to her. She said I did. I asked her why she didn't seem to mourn. She avoided the question.

It went on, throughout her first relationship 2 months ago I was telling her she was masking her feelings by attaching to another guy (in the context of BPD). She tried to tell me this very same thing that he was her crutch to get over me, an internal excuse to herself that she had somehow forgotten I had drummed into her countless times not long ago.

I cried, repeatedly when we said we are never going to meet again, although it was like talking to an emotional black wall in her respect.

I mentioned her behaviour the other night, how she broke down and cried when she heard my voice and said she missed me, and all the songs, and the facebook browsing she did after etc etc. This apparently, meant nothing, and was just due to her feeling down.

Might I add she has now dropped the date with the 6th guy and is back on with the 5th guy, who walked away, but she played 'games' with him (ironically that I had tought her about) by dropping him on his arse and damaging his ego, and he probably wants sex again and is in the navy and will be going away for some time after next week so is probably lonely and needy. She seems to be going after the same type of guy, not sure what that says about me or her but hey ho, she came into my life, and we struck up a strong relationship before any sex happened, and were in love before that so we were different. I guess she is going after this type because she doesn't want to be rejected.

I brought up the parrallels about her fascination with guys in the armed services and her Dad being emotionally abusive, she called me "sick" and then completely avoided the inference.

In the end, I told her she will never find anyone like me again, and that I wish her the best of luck regardless. And it was semi-friendship terms. I don't plan on talking to her again. It's always on her terms, how she feels, and when she feels like it. And she had the cheek to tell me I always get what I want and that I'm in control.! Later on, she tells me she is in control. She doesn't have a clue.

I also told her she is so far disconnected from her feelings I could drive a bus through the gap. This was when she tried to convince me she was happy, I pointed out that I spent 5 years with her, I know when she is happy or not and anyway, she had told me plenty of times she is not happy, and she has plastered it all over her Facebook wall, and dropped many hints. She then proceeded to send me pictures of her with happy smiles, even one with her new grey haired boyfriend in (I was heavily expecting this so don't worry I was prepared for this attack).

Plenty more was discussed that I can't recall right now.

I need help. I severed something tonight, a cord, I'm not sure where I am right now. I got what I wanted for once, although it was done with severe lack of any emotion, but I accept it, and for once I am released, from her own spoken word. She tells me she doesn't think of me anymore but cares for me, yet she was perusing through my Facebook the other night. This is clear splitting, when the boyfriend is down, I am the emotional crutch. I believe she ran/buried her feelings for me, as a friend, or a person, or whatever and they come out when her guard is down. Her life is, so without a boyfriend to cling to and idealise, she would be down and out.

I am sure when this happens again, she will think of me, perhaps even contact me. But that's not my problem anymore.

I still want something... I just don't know what. Nothing is ever pure or quite right when she speaks it, because she has no emotional depth I believe and frankly doesn't understand obvious things. I even said to her, "You don't understand closure because you've never asked me for closure.".

I feel a bit angry, I suppose because I know how she works and I know she just wasn't emotionally connected to me tonight to give me more than a half arsed attempt and basically saying "Yeah, we will never see each other again, but its it for the best, and heres why, we had good times, I'm sorry for this and that, I cared about you a lot etc etc". She doesn't get it. She didn't even understand why at first I had to explain it to her.

I do know that someday she will regret this, these last few days have proven that to me, and I do know that she will only regret her bad decisions when I pull the plug on her and take myself away from her. That is largely done tonight. We have nothing else to discuss, on my part because I know she is incapable of the understanding and emotional depth required to discuss anything else (I truly understand and believe this now) and it will always lead to verbal and emotional aggresion, attacks and abuse through her defence of this lack of understanding/emotional growth and for her because I'm just an ennoyance when she is idealising someone else.

I don't feel jealous of him, he is boring, plain and is going grey, losing his hair, and I probably wouldn't want to spend 5 minutes in a room with him if I just met him. She told me he is not even her type, but he's nice. I said I was also nice, so that's not really enough. (I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut here, I wanted to blurt out the exact reasons why, largely due to fact she would take anyone right now that fits a very very loose standard. And that she cannot be alone etc.)

I still feel angry that she slept with someone, but this has helped me realise who she is and helped me detach.

Given the chance she would of slept with all 6 I'm sure. She tried to belittle her relationships, saying they were nothing, I tried to explain that they wern't, again, she has no idea.

I do feel jealous of this, somehow even though it's been over a while, knowing someone else has been where what once was mine is hard to take. Even though she said it was poor, she herself wasn't great in the sack if I'm honest, this may seem crude but it all takes its emotional toll. If she gives it up that easily then f**k her, and I seriously think she gave it up with guy number 5 because the other 4 broke down as she can't keep a man down without offering it up due to her long list of problem and probably glaring red flags. She actually bought a chastity ring after we broke up to prevent that, it's on the other hand now heh.

I am sad I'll never see her again, but in saying that, I don't think I'd like what I meet, and to be honest, I think she knows that, I think she doesn't want to see me right now because she knows I would look down on her, what she has become and who she is, she is paramount to a scared, ashamed child in my eyes. What also backs this up is her inability to be the nasty b___ on the phone that she is online, the internet, a great world for borderlines in many respects, all her relationships have been cooked up on there.

I also feel a bit calm in some way, like I know from here there is only one direction to take, this has to sink in, you can tell yourself this as much as you like but you have to believe it.

She told me I didn't understand her, when in reality I understand her more than she will ever know, I could of predicted the answers and the eventual outcome of this whole conversation, I already knew she had split me before I even called, but I really wanted an answer out of her, and I wanted it tonight, no more bulls**t.

I got home and logged straight on here because I just had to get this down before I forgot most of it. Perhaps so I can read it back later.

I don't think I love her anymore. And I know even if I did, that I would never go back there, for many reasons, but even if I loved her more than love itself, I don't think she is ever going to have the adult emotional capacity to make up for what she did and who she became, or have a reasonable explanation for it.

Besides, she is embarking on a journey of terrible ends with this new guy, I don't know why he likes her, infact he didn't he has already walked away once) but she has barely anything going for her right now, I think it speaks volumes really. Men are men and take what they can get for various reasons.

One day, I'm absolutely sure, she will regret losing me. I will make sure of that, but not for her sake, for mine.

I will be the person I should of been, before she stifled my life and my own development, and this is where I was, in the year leading up to the breakup. The difference being, I loved her more than she will ever know then, and that is why I stayed.

Ultimately she tried to be someone else when we broke up, and she has failed hard and I think she is realising she is still the same person, and has given in (she even stopped her medication believeing she did not have BPD but decided to take them again after her anxiety got overwhelming and I suggested it to her), and this saddens her deep down, she will forever refuse to accept she made a mistake and buries everything, into her black hole, all the while I have gained a true insight into who I am and who I want to be, I think this scared her and adds to her anxiety about what she has done. She will only let me see this side to her though, when things are bad, or when she is drunk.

I think one clear difference here is alcohol, alcohol tends to bring out our deep emotions that we guard off from the world, on the weekend I got drunk for the first time since we broke up, I didn't think about her, I didn't call or text her, in fact at one point I was just interesting in girls in the bar, I am not ready to go down that road but soon I will.

Her on the other hand, broke down, obsessed about me and indirectly professed her love for me.

This is the difference between facing your emotions even though they may make you crazy out of sheer love, and not.

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Blimblam
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« Reply #64 on: June 10, 2014, 11:41:24 PM »

In a lot of respects I feel I have traded places with her.

She's replaced my good with her bad.

blueman This is exactly how I feel! It feels like she sucked my soul out of me and dumped all her toxic confusion into me and laughed at me in smug contempt as I was discarded. Just to use my energy to lure my replacements. As I am left wallowing in confusion and despair an empty shell of the man I once was.  Trying to convince myself that at one point I was that man in my memories.
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Infared
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« Reply #65 on: June 11, 2014, 04:30:11 AM »

In a lot of respects I feel I have traded places with her.

She's replaced my good with her bad.

blueman This is exactly how I feel! It feels like she sucked my soul out of me and dumped all her toxic confusion into me and laughed at me in smug contempt as I was discarded. Just to use my energy to lure my replacements. As I am left wallowing in confusion and despair an empty shell of the man I once was.  Trying to convince myself that at one point I was that man in my memories.

Blimblam... .

I think I resemble that comment. The part that bothers me most is that she has taken on all these attributes that are literally mine and that she has exactly what you mention ... . this SMUG enjoyment that she used them to attract my replacement. She resents me (for what reason I WILL NEVER KNOW)... . yet she emanates me? That really hurts and is totally baffling.

Wait... . no... . ITS INSANE. I have to try and remember that there is mental illness there... . but it is so difficult for me to totally grasp that.

I really cared about someone deeply and have been treated in this unimaginable way. It has caused some serious emotional damage to me which I have been unable to repair. I have gotten a lot better... . but I am not the person that I was. Once I have experienced this horror would I want to embark on another situation where this would/could happen again?   I pursue other things in life that are rewarding... . I do not engage in relationships with women any more.    I could not possibly go thru that again.  I will not. Sad... but true. I am not recommending that... . It is just where I find myself these days. I am not trying to bash the opposite sex... . I am just tryin to explain how I feel after coming out the other side of this car wreck. I feel as though part of my soul was stolen... . and for the life of me... . I cannot get it back.   Thank God I have good friends... . or I would go crazy.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #66 on: June 12, 2014, 12:40:08 PM »

I think it is over for me now. The feelings will crop up from time to time but I feel at peace more and more.

I will continue my recovery and it will be slow and gradual, but the futures bright, the futures mine, and I can grab it by the hands and steer it where I want to, without her bringing me down.

I have no doubt I will have set backs, this is an inevitability with these matters, it is not a linear recovery. Change is hard, but change we must. For the better.

I still get upset, but I know that ultimately she didn't make me happy, as much as I loved her. She was my mistake, an innocent mistake but a severe one none the less, and I could of make it a lot quicker, but I chose to stay, that is my fault, and my lesson to learn and one I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Her toxicity is too much to bare, and I don't even want to speak to her, I will never get a straight answer from her, about anything, because she is just as lost about her behaviour, and has always been. She is clueless, making her same mistakes over and over like a stuck record, damaging herself and taking it with her, whereas I have gone to hell and back, as a necessity, despite her control, despite her attacks, I have made it through the other side, and learnt and will move on.

As much as she has damaged me, at least I will not be eternally afflicted by it, unlike her.

When you can't stand to talk to someone because they lie, decieve, cheat, play the victim, enmesh you then spit you out and try to attack you at every opportunity, then it is truly over, and her innate selfishness is the reason she has no friends and cannot have a true relationship, in any respect. It's all about her, and if I try to change that, I am attacked.

Fu*k that. Life's too short and she is far from worth it.

I shouldn't think like this, but I am so certain of it that I know it will happen... . one day she will hit rock bottom, and she will realise the mistake she made, the biggest of mistakes. She may come knocking, but I wont be there, I will be gone and she will feel that pain, she will feel it to the bottom of her heart. Her cycle of life, as tragic as it is, will always follow this pattern, perhaps ironic then, as it serves to punish her for the damage she inflicts on others.

She still needs me, she is push pulling, she still wants to play the game, she has left all communication lines open, despite me telling her who she is and what she is, and that I am gone. Forever. Normally even a little bit of this would be a full black out. But she has left it open, either to hurt me later which wont happen, or for something else. She doesn't realise that I have signed off now, for the last time, she thinks I'm still enmeshed. I'm not afraid of her anymore, because I don't care if she never talks to me again, perhaps she senses this, and is afraid, deep down she is afraid, and sad, and can't be alone.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #67 on: June 12, 2014, 05:48:57 PM »

She's losing it. She's paranoid and losing it I think.

She started making some absolutely random bullS**t up. Out of the blue. She messaged me about half an hour ago and accused me of using an old facebook account of hers last night, because it logged her out of her Gmail, which she told me about once, apparently, which I have no bloody recollection of, and had no idea it existed. It's redicilous.

This then turned into an attack, because of her 'evidence'.

I just Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)'d at first in disbelief. But then as she went I decided to put her in her place and let her know how stupid she is being.

I don't give a flying monkeys about her to be honest, she disgusts me in many ways.

I absolutely damned her in this attack and gave her more brutal realisations.

She has not blocked me? What is going on? She is threatening to? But she wont? She is taking my damning truths about her and taking it, she is almost inviting it. I don't get it. I'm not being polite, I'm being blunt and rediculing her about her twisted f**ked up shortfalls.

This is completely weird.

Now I don't give a damn she refuses to cut the cord completely, but threatens to?

Someone please explain this to me? Was this a move? Is she losing it?

Why is she threatening to cut me off, and now I don't care, wont actually do it? Even when I'm damning her character?

She actually had the cheek to message me with this bull and then accuse me of butting into her life?

It's ironic because I'm talking to this other girl a lot now, and haven't thought about the 'ex' today.

Actually was quite amusing. :I
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blueman54321
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« Reply #68 on: June 12, 2014, 06:14:28 PM »

Doh I'm being stupid this is an obvious attempt at enmeshment, she wants to play the victim, and if she closes me off she can't do that. But I refuse to play, so what's she going to do?

Strikes me as a very conscious effort though so hard to believe. Still, a lot of hypocrisy in what she's saying and what she's doing and her behaviour?

I am a bit baffled to be honest.
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Infared
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« Reply #69 on: June 12, 2014, 08:11:51 PM »

The whole victim thing is the best... . she lied to me, cheated on me, reanimate off and abandoned me... . acted out in public every chance she got in a cruel self-centered hurtful way... . THEN she tries to walk up to me in a parking lot when she is alone for "who knows what"... . and I put my head down and move away to protect me... . and she does the BIG sigh, slum shoulders victim thing?

Actually... . it is pathetic and hysterical after all of her hurtful actions... . seems we all experience similar behaviors with Hesse interactions.

Sure can mess one's head up ... . until you totally disengage, stand back and observe the person and their actions... . without being in the middle of it.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #70 on: June 13, 2014, 12:57:04 PM »

Yes you take the power away from them at that point, and then what do they have? Empty threats. Empty threats that have no power. So to answer my question, what is she going to do? What can she do? Nothing, because I don't care, then the next question is... . why not block me out of her life like she normally does when she plays the victim and tries to induce sympathy? I think either she flat out doesn't understand, or she still thinks I'm enmeshed and is confused? And perhaps will come back later to try again. Or, she wants to spy on my life through Facebook, but then why not block whatsapp?

She needs me. For what, I can only guess, and when, is another question. I know she has doubts about this relationship she is in. And I know they aren't suited. That's her business but her doubts are well founded and could be the reason why she wants to stay communicable. She broke down and cried on Monday when we first spoke on the phone. Said she missed me a lot, (split to white) emotions returned. I am going through this process of healing and those feelings are dissapearing, with her, they will stay, how long I don't know, perhaps all those feelings she's ever had are locked away in there, churning away, taking her toll.

She still admits I was the only one she ever loved, perhaps this is new for her. I don't care though, she hurt me too badly to ever give a flying f**k about her again.

What makes me laugh is once we were talking about names we hate, and she told me her most hated name was a certain name I won't mention for anonymity, and she would never date a guy called it. Guess what her latest guy is called... . Yep. She also told me he is not her type, and didn't like him at first. I have seen his Facebook profile, no offence to him, but he plain as day, has a very forgettable face and looks plain as day, and his lifestyle seems very boring. But, he is in the armed forces, (daddy issues), seems to be her only real requirement. I would say they don't have anything in common but then, did she ever really have anything to her? When I think back, about the only thing you could say she liked doing was listening to music, spending money she didn't have on her insecurities (hair products) and causing unsolvable arguments.

Talk about taking anything she can get, love addict, and cannot be alone... .

At least I live 2 hours drive from her and the possibility of 'bumping' into her is out of the question.

I will wait a while, then I think I'll block her. Actually I've been thinking of deleting my Facebook account and starting again. It's full of memories with her and I'd rather leave it deactivated, perhaps to view some day when I'm older, and so she cannot a clue what I'm doing or who I'm seeing, as I know she is interested.
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Arminius
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« Reply #71 on: June 13, 2014, 04:10:37 PM »

The whole victim thing is the best... . she lied to me, cheated on me, reanimate off and abandoned me... . acted out in public every chance she got in a cruel self-centered hurtful way... . THEN she tries to walk up to me in a parking lot when she is alone for "who knows what"... . and I put my head down and move away to protect me... . and she does the BIG sigh, slum shoulders victim thing?

Actually... . it is pathetic and hysterical after all of her hurtful actions... . seems we all experience similar behaviors with Hesse interactions.

Sure can mess one's head up ... . until you totally disengage, stand back and observe the person and their actions... . without being in the middle of it.

I got free the day she caused me to involve law enforcement. That's the moment I realised she had morphed either in to a monster, or probably morphed back in to her true self. Neither were attractive.

I just watched an old video of us on holiday in 2009 and I realise that girl ceased to exist back around 2010... . 2011 to 2013 girl was someone else.

Goodbye and good riddance. This site has helped me a lot.
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« Reply #72 on: June 13, 2014, 04:15:19 PM »



This thread has reached its 4-page limit. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are welcome to start a new thread if you'd like.
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