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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Seen her new BF  (Read 3957 times)
blueman54321
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« on: May 31, 2014, 09:38:25 AM »

I have today seen her new boyfriend on a friends Facebook.

They are eating an ice cream together, he looks really old.

She has died her hair red and is wearing clothes that make her look older, clothes she doesn't normally wear.

She actually doesn't look at all attractive or sexy in any way. She's wearing glasses which she never does.

Perhaps this is the look she is trying to portray.

Or maybe I'm coming to my senses.

It isn't an especially intimate picture, they are just sitting close to each other.

It hurts all the same.

Why I did it I don't know, maybe I like to punish myself.

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blueman54321
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« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2014, 09:43:06 AM »

I have been given her new number a few days ago also, she doesn't know I have it.

I haven't felt like talking to her specifically much, I haven't rung. Why bother when all I get is this twisted side of her while she plays out some sweet intelligent thing to this new guy.

She isn't particularly intelligent, although she thinks she's Mr's Einstein.

I would like to meet her, in fact it's something I feel I must do. For closure or whatever, I want to speak to her to her face without computers or phones which is all too easy for her to lie and avoid.

There is no chance for a casual bumping into each other due to distance.

Maybe in a while I'll call her. But I doubt she'd want to know unless her new rs goes tits up.

They seem to be taking it slow, unusual for her but perhaps because he has to work or something.

Still ruminating... .
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blueman54321
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« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2014, 09:49:10 AM »

Also I think her email last week was her leaving the door open for some contact. As she may not be totally sold on this new guy, I don't know. We broke up less than 2 months ago and she has has 3 failed relationships already.

I have been privvy by her to all 3, what they look like, how it's going etc. This time around she is keeping me silent. Maybe indication she does like him, but he has been friends with her nearly 2 weeks on Facebook, no status's about him, no relationship updates, just a like from him on one of her pictures and this picture of them two together where they look like friends.

I don't know why I'm ruminating today, I have been ok all week.

Maybe it's hope cropping it's way in again, I feel a bit low right now because of my new job I haven't done any exercise, although I still seem to be losing weight.

Going to do some now.
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arjay
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« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2014, 10:03:47 AM »

I would like to meet her, in fact it's something I feel I must do. For closure or whatever, I want to speak to her to her face without computers or phones which is all too easy for her to lie and avoid.

Greetings.  What you are experiencing is very typical and something most of did for a while.  Sadly the desire to get "closure" and any "validation" is unfortunately what never seems to happen.  I tried like you and simply came away feeling worse and set-back.  I kept hoping that "some-thing" inside of her would come to terms with her behavior and acknowledge how ever much she blamed me, that she would finally take responsibility, apologize and let me move-on.  It just never happened.

I found my peace and validation here, by posting, reading the experiences of others and realizing I had to forgive myself, validate myself and tell myself I had made a grave mistake and it was now time to learn from it and move on.  It can be easier said than done, however we can't get what we need, from someone incapable of providing it, and until I really, really took that to heart, I was simply setting myself up for being "stuck".

Keep posting and reading other's experiences and you will find the same story over and over again.  It took me to a new place within myself; a place where I found my own validation and my own peace.  That is a powerful place to be, because we no longer need to depend on others to find the peace we seek within ourselves.

Peace to you
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Front runner
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« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2014, 12:12:04 PM »

Hi Blueman,

You're moving into dangerous territory here. Seriously... . She changed her number. Do not I repeat do not ring it.

Remember no ones ever gonna miss you till you're gone.

If you ring her she could easily get the rozzers involved
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Front runner
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« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2014, 12:13:54 PM »

This is your ultimate test. Don't fail yourself. You can do it. I'm here with you I swear it
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blueman54321
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« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2014, 12:15:38 PM »

Still feel like I need to prove to her that I'm not who she made me out to be when we split up, I guess all the toxicity she fed my way really dented my self-esteem.

I want to prove myself in a way, to her, I'm not even sure I like her anymore let alone love her, I'm not sure what I want, I just want to go somewhere with her, talk, and leave, for good. On my own terms not influenced by her lies and abuse.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2014, 12:16:21 PM »

This is your ultimate test. Don't fail yourself. You can do it. I'm here with you I swear it

I'm trying.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2014, 12:22:05 PM »

It's hard to know when you're lieing to yourself, it's a constant battle and requires a lot of introspection, always doubting my own motives and intentions.
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« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2014, 12:49:28 PM »

Just see it as an addiction. A serious drug addiction. Do whatever it takes. I left my job, rented out my flat and moved to my mums 100 miles away.

You need time and so does she.

You've got to give her a chance to miss you. Imagine if you just disappeared off the map? How cool would that be. What would Harrison ford do in raiders of the lost ark and what happened to him and her further down the line. Hang in there and start no ___ing contact
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arjay
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« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2014, 12:57:16 PM »

Still feel like I need to prove to her that I'm not who she made me out to be when we split up, I guess all the toxicity she fed my way really dented my self-esteem.

Thank you for your candor.  That is something many of us struggled with.  "We are looking for self-worth outside our selves", and exactly why I finally ended up dealing with my own stuff.  If we don't realize this tendency, our experience with a BPD relationship is likely to repeat with someone else, and not necessarily someone who is BPD.

As long as our view of "self-worth" continues to be in the hands of somebody else, we are really handing over our lives and happiness to others, instead of being responsible for it ourselves. In a much more subtle way, we are doing exactly what a pwBPD does in a much more obvious way.

Peace to you
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Tausk
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« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2014, 01:07:04 PM »

I have been given her new number a few days ago also, she doesn't know I have it.

I haven't felt like talking to her specifically much, I haven't rung. Why bother when all I get is this twisted side of her while she plays out some sweet intelligent thing to this new guy.

I would like to meet her, in fact it's something I feel I must do. For closure or whatever, I want to speak to her to her face without computers or phones which is all too easy for her to lie and avoid.

Oh, Blueman.  I'm sorry for your pain.  I understand.  It hurts to the core.  But I've learned the hard way that the pain has nothing to do with my ex, but rather why did I give my love and myself away to a person who not only does not have the capacity to love, but also is genuinely destructive to me.  In fact, I'm not really sorry that your ex has moved on. In time I hope you can see that it's a gift to you.  

If you contact her now, then you'll be breaking the boundaries and you'll be the "other man."   You'll be right in the middle of the Disorder.   How would you have felt if her exes before you were calling your ex during the initial stages of your courtship?  You will be volunteering for the Karpman Triangle.  And when I did thing like that, it resulted in nothing but futher pain and destruction for me, and fed the Disorder in my Ex.  

Closure is impossible with her. Closure is only something we can give to ourselves.  With a minimally emotionally developed person, closure in communication is good because it allows for mutual grieving, forgiveness, and acknowledgment of the contributions of both people to the r/s.  

In an interaction with a pwBPD, the pwBPD has none of those attributes to contribute to the discussion.  My ex hates me now.  She can't grieve. All she can do is paint me black, forget me, and lay with another man.  It's the nature of the disorder.

Closure for me is that I'm trying to deny access to my heart to something that is indiscriminately destructive to me.  Closure means I'm shutting the door to my ex and looking inwards to myself.  

Closure mean being humble enough to understand that:

The Disorder exists to deny itself.  The Disorder is more powerful than me.  The Disorder must be respected.   The Disorder does not want happiness.  The Disorder by nature creates collateral damage.  The only way to find happiness for me is as a victim to the Disorder and to move on.

I'm sorry for you pain.  I feel it.  We all do.  Closure is feeling the pain and having the hope and faith that will get through to the other side.  Which we WILL!

In peace,

T
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kba1969
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« Reply #12 on: May 31, 2014, 01:34:10 PM »

I can guarantee calling her isn't gonna get you what your looking for, trust me, I did it.  I cried like a little baby and told her everything I thought I wanted to.  She was emotionless, even said "Sorry I'm not crying, it will hit me all at once."  It was obvious she had already moved on to another blow up doll.  I'm almost three weeks NC and feel better already.  I to would probably talk to her again sometime but I'm not making contact.  If she does call or text me I'm not going to answer her right away, if at all.  I'll decide at that time, not putting any pressure on myself.  I've learned a lot about her disorder and am becoming stronger by the day.  Throw that number away, you don't need it.  Your going to feel a sense of power just doing that!  Mark on your calendar every day you don't contact her.  Soon you will go days and forget to.  NC also means no Facebook, unfollow people that connected you guys.  You will do it and feel good about it.  I still think about my X daily but I don't have the urge to even want to talk at this point, they just can't hear you anyway.  Good luck, you can do this!  It should be all about you now Smiling (click to insert in post)
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blueman54321
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« Reply #13 on: May 31, 2014, 05:54:44 PM »

Yes I think I'm starting to turn that way.

I feel like looking at her Facebook through my friends account. I could, but then I think it's only going to hurt me, and I don't have the energy for that.

I think I've burnt myself out now and have had enough of her through sheer exhaustion.

Why do I care about her, why should I bother, she's not a nice person.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #14 on: May 31, 2014, 06:50:26 PM »

I understand why they act this way, but seeing her with someone who has grey hair and looks old when she is young is baffling and I still feel jealous.

Sorry for anyone with grey hair but we are both young and will happen to us too but you know what I mean.

It makes me ask the question, what does she see in him, but then I know it's because she cannot be alone.

This is why she's been in 4 relationships in 2 months since we split up, anyone who says yes to her she takes.

I am better than her. I have to remember this.

But she's having all the fun.

I try to pretend to be happy but I'm miserable deep down.

I don't even know what I want anymore, I just know I have to keep going forward and keep bettering myself.

Maybe in time I'll know.

Maybe this darkness will dissapear then.

One day she will peak into my life and regret losing me, she will regret hurting me and she will be ashamed of who she is and what she has done.

At the very least I know she will regret it. She has already, albeit fleetingly.

I regret ever letting her into my heart.
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arjay
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« Reply #15 on: May 31, 2014, 06:59:48 PM »

But she's having all the fun.

I wouldn't call the life of a BPD especially fun.  In fact it is a hurtful, filled with emotional turmoil and with little to no internal stability.  If you wished to trade places with her, that means you have to take all that goes with it too.  


Peace
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blueman54321
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« Reply #16 on: May 31, 2014, 07:35:35 PM »

In a lot of respects I feel I have traded places with her.

She's replaced my good with her bad.
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« Reply #17 on: May 31, 2014, 07:47:35 PM »

blueman greetings,


I was there (in your place) nearly 3 months ago. TRUST ME. you will not get any closure or logic from her.i will tell you part of my story. you can even check my previous posts.


I was lucky enough and she was very low functioning that i discovered her truth only 6 weeks into the relationship. she made crazy things. i mean like really crazy. like taking off my friend's t-shirt infront of me to get me jealous. like meeting her ex-bf in hotels Smiling (click to insert in post) a lot of stuff. anyway, we broke up after one recycle over text. it was mutual. both of us saw it coming. in the end, she told me that i am a good person and she does not want to lose me as a friend and she would like to see me before she would travel for a business trip. initially i told her i needed space. three days later, i was down and called her and agreed to meet on sunday cause saturday she is busy (she told me where she would be on saturday). we set a date and time. two hours later, i was about to lose my mind. i called her and started questioning and talking rationally or logically. and BOOM the nice person that wanted to be "friends with me" vanished. her tone and way of talking was so rude. she did not want to answer any question. her tone was the same tone i heard when she was talking to her ex over the phone though i did not do anything bad to her (now i know her ex did not too). i ended up angry and told her that the meeting is cancelled. two days later, i felt that maybe i should have been more patient. i went to where she is on saturday. God, i wish i did not. i lost my dignity, my pride. i was literally begging her to talk and got nothing.


questioning a BPD about a past relationship is not good for her. It is a survival mechanism for her. she would not allow anyone to let her see anything wrong with her. because if she allowed so she would not be able to process these feelings as they have ceased emotional growth at a very young age. going after and chasing her only will ENABLE her. enabling here means that she will say "see he is still chasing me. that means that he is wrong and he is aware that he is wrong and thats why he is chasing me. i was sure when i told myself that i did nothing wrong in this relationship and it is all his fault." my therapist told me that they just dont twist facts as in they say a lie until they believe it no they really have delusions and they really feel that their version of story is the real one.


take care of yourself. try to heal and move on. as soon as you are devalued NOTHING GOOD WILL COME FROM HER. even if she tries to come back later it is because she is lonely or whatever. IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT THEM. people are like objects to them. they suck up your life and just discard you without remorse or even looking back.
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« Reply #18 on: May 31, 2014, 08:12:14 PM »

i would like to add some answers for your questions too. maybe it will calm you a little.


my ex is 29 and i am 26. I am the only younger man she has ever been with. she has been married to a man who is 50 while she was 23. even after her divorce all her bfs were in their 40s-50s. i told her during the first break up that she has daddy issues. she was like "i know." some BPDs have daddy issues due to emotional\sexual abuse by their dads when they are young. They just go with the idea of "I can get a new daddy\partner."

as for she is having all the fun and you are sad and miserable. yes it is true BUT FOR SOME TIME ! her life is like getting a rush just to escape the pain and agony that is chronic and life long. a fake rush after a fake rush... . and so on. you on the other hand will go through pain (at this stage you feel it is not fair) and then you heal and become wiser and more experienced. I am seeing a therapist now. first time i went to him i was so angry. am i the one who needs to go to a therapist and she is the crazy one ? my therapist diagnosed her on the first session. i even questioned his diagnosis and he said i do not have to meet her, she is a text book case  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) 6 sessions later he said "I can not find anything wrong with you (i was worried of co-dependency or childhood issues) you seem very normal. you just have a quarter life crisis and it will be over soon.
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Tausk
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« Reply #19 on: May 31, 2014, 10:03:53 PM »

I understand why they act this way, but seeing her with someone who has grey hair and looks old when she is young is baffling and I still feel jealous.

I understand.  I'm jealous as well.  But the reality is that we are the lucky ones.  We got out.  Many people spend their entire lives trying to appease a pwBPD and in the end it was all for naught. Nothing of substance survives because they have such limited awareness and sense of self.  

Excerpt
It makes me ask the question, what does she see in him, but then I know it's because she cannot be alone.  This is why she's been in 4 relationships in 2 months since we split up, anyone who says yes to her she takes... . But she's having all the fun.

Four r/s in 2 months since the break up doesn't seem like fun. It seems like torture.   She might mask the terror for a few moments, but I know my ex lives in the eternal nightmare of a traumatized three year old.    She knows she's different, but has no idea how to change.  All she can do is survive.  There's nothing fun in that.  It's terribly pathetic and a destructive waste of a human being. And it's all the worse because the Disorder brings others down with it.  

Excerpt
I try to pretend to be happy but I'm miserable deep down.

I don't even know what I want anymore, I just know I have to keep going forward and keep bettering myself.

Maybe in time I'll know.

Maybe this darkness will dissapear then.

It will. Keep posting and venting.  You are doing great. It hurts like hell.  But there are things to gain from our pain of recovery.  The pain we felt in the interaction with our exes never amounted to anything.  It was all a waste.  The work we are doing now, will follow us for the rest of our lives. But in the meantime, try and stay in the moment. Breathe, work out, read, write, vent, cry, meditate... . feel and do the FOO stuff when ready.

Excerpt
One day she will peak into my life and regret losing me, she will regret hurting me and she will be ashamed of who she is and what she has done.

At the very least I know she will regret it. She has already, albeit fleetingly.

I regret ever letting her into my heart.

She won't regret it.  She doesn't know how to regret or take responsibility.  It's not within her capacity.  All she can do is paint me black, forget me, and lay with a another man.  And she is already ashamed of who she is.  Shame is her essence, but since she can't take responsibility for what she has done, all she can do is accumulate more shame. There's no way to process it.  It just builds and builds.    Hoping for validation from her is bargaining.  It will not come.  Yes, it doesn't make sense, but it will not come.  She doesn't have the capacity to provide validation.  All she can do is think in black and white, and you are black.

Hang in there.  I understand. I bargain and still hold conversations that will never occur.  But when I let go, I find some peace, because there is never any peace during an entanglement with a pwBPD.

It's a Disorder.  The Disorder always wins.

In sadness.

T
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blueman54321
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« Reply #20 on: June 01, 2014, 04:50:28 AM »

It's a shame because I thought she was stronger than that, but I guess it always wins.

You may be right with the daddy issues, he actually looks a bit like her dad.

She does have big daddy issues, he was emotionally and physically abusive when she was yound and then shunned her for much of a decade from her teen into her twenties until she met me and I helped her sort her issues out and she started communicating with him.
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blueman54321
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« Reply #21 on: June 01, 2014, 04:50:57 AM »

Not to mention her dad was in the army, just like this guy.
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« Reply #22 on: June 01, 2014, 06:23:04 AM »

questioning a BPD about a past relationship is not good for her. It is a survival mechanism for her. she would not allow anyone to let her see anything wrong with her. because if she allowed so she would not be able to process these feelings as they have ceased emotional growth at a very young age. going after and chasing her only will ENABLE her. enabling here means that she will say "see he is still chasing me. that means that he is wrong and he is aware that he is wrong and thats why he is chasing me. i was sure when i told myself that i did nothing wrong in this relationship and it is all his fault." my therapist told me that they just dont twist facts as in they say a lie until they believe it no they really have delusions and they really feel that their version of story is the real one.


IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT THEM.

Oh man... this is so similar to what happened to me and my ex when I thought about a second chance.

Nothing was her fault for the breakup. Blaming, criticism and nothing positive for me.

I really didn't want to talk about the past. But before I tried anything, she remembered

every mistake I had done. Like a written list.
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« Reply #23 on: June 01, 2014, 07:12:25 AM »

Not to mention her dad was in the army, just like this guy.

my exBPDgf 's dad was an officer in the local security agency in a third world country. he is a freaking narcissist. without even seeing him just from her stories about him during the idealization phase.
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« Reply #24 on: June 01, 2014, 07:43:10 AM »

Hi

Your x sounds a lot like mine as well.  18 months since i split and no contact is the best thing to get on with your life.  Like youself i went through an awful period when all i did was stare into space like a stunned fish and think of her, try and work her out etc.  Truth lof the matter is she can't work herself out so what chance do we have.  Am finally now happy again with a new lady i actually met in a support group (not this group) who i would not have met without going through the experience.  Every cloud has a silver lining.

Good luck!
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blueman54321
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« Reply #25 on: June 01, 2014, 03:39:26 PM »

Yeah so I'm getting urges to check out her profile all of a sudden, maybe it's because it's the end of the weekend and I'm curious.

Resisting.

One day I'm strong then the next I'm weak.
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« Reply #26 on: June 01, 2014, 03:52:35 PM »

Yeah so I'm getting urges to check out her profile all of a sudden, maybe it's because it's the end of the weekend and I'm curious.

Resisting.

One day I'm strong then the next I'm weak.

Have you actually searched your deepest feelings and questioned "what is it that you hope to come away with by following her on FB or anywhere else"?

I wanted to think my dBPDxw was miserable and in truth (now being out seven years), I realize her whole life is filled with unhappiness and often times misery.  It was never about "me" and what she tried to tell me was "me".  It was simply her not being able to handle her misery and trying to get rid of it.  I was simply a temporary vehicle; a dumpster to rid herself of her toxic feelings.  Once you quit making it about you (because it was never really about you), you will come to realize she is living a life full of constant ups and downs with no relief in sight.  A smiling face on FB only tries to hide what is deep within, the same smiling face that got us all hooked in the beginning.

Peace to you
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blueman54321
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« Reply #27 on: June 01, 2014, 04:41:08 PM »

She is so good at the lie, I don't know if she even knows how miserable she is sometimes in some paradoxical way.

I have searched my feelings and I think it's because I want to see if it goes bad with this new guy, but I realise that it almost certainly will, but then that might take time, and as she was so possessed with marrying me and having babies from day 1, she will likely take this to this guy, or whoever ends up with her.

If I'm going to be totally honest with myself, and you guys, It's probably because I want them to mess up, so I can  see way to communicate with her, ie. malignant hope. I don't know what that makes me, someone who has trouble letting go, someone who loved and lost and hopes to love again, even with all the ___ she has thrown my way probably makes it inconceivable. But the heart wants what it wants and sometimes it wants what it can't have.

My emotions flay from apathy, to hate, to anger, to regret, to loss and to love still, but they aren't overwhelming now. I can ride out the wave and more and more I can simply step out of it.

There's a part of me that doesn't want to give up.

I have resisted so far, If I fail and look I know it will more than likely hurt me if anything. Sometimes hurt and pain can be the catalyst for truly letting go I think, as I'm feeling very distant to her right now. And with that, due to object constancy, I know to her I am probably less than existing, a 4.5 year black hole.

I guess her need to block me from Facebook at least tells me that she had to, at some point, make a critical decision to cut me out, perhaps to just victimise herself, but I like to think because it makes it easier for her to forget me, because she had trouble doing so, as I actually meant more to her than she realised.

All very poetic but at the end of the day, the damage is done, and she'd have to apologise for a long time to make it up to me. Getting that, would really be a miracle, in fact, it's never gonna happen, not even for a week.

She has sense of guilt, responsibility or in any way able to accept fault.

All moot as she'd rather run anyway.

I let my fingers escape me here and I realise I'm not over this, I'm not done, but I have made leaps and bounds since last month.
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« Reply #28 on: June 01, 2014, 05:06:29 PM »

Most if not all of us on this board understand those feelings but please listen to those who advise you to go NC and look within yourself.  I lived the other option.  It only drove me to near madness and drove me to serious depression.  Please don't make that mistake
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #29 on: June 01, 2014, 05:26:52 PM »

If I'm going to be totally honest with myself, and you guys, It's probably because I want them to mess up, so I can  see way to communicate with her, ie. malignant hope.

Thank you for your honesty, because I had the same thoughts for many months after she left.  Some-thing inside of me thought "over time she will see that my love was real, that I accepted her, was willing to help her, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her".  

That person within me, was the wounded child that once again, had been rejected, left feeling as though I had little to no self-worth even to a person who was damaged.  That was pretty hard to swallow for me and made me eventually realize that wounded inner-self was causing me as much pain and grief as she did.

As many  times as I read about the disorder, I kept thinking "she is different", or "my situation is a bit different", or "love will be enough and she will see the light".  Those were simply illusions on my part, to the reality of the disorder.

Somewhere on this site it talked about how some people have a really hard time of letting go of something they know is damaging to their very soul.  It seems those that had/have self-esteem issues suffer the longest.  I was one of those sad souls and why I spent two years in counseling when it was over and done.  Looking back now, if she contacted me and told me she had treatment and was much better and realized I loved her and, and, and, the answer would simply be "no thank you.  I am not the same person anymore and have moved on".  That would be the truth too, and the blessing of working on myself.  It is sad it took an abusive relationship for me to see that I had issues, that were robbing me of a happy and healthy life.

Peace to you
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