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Author Topic: borderline tells me "[she] is the love of her life."  (Read 1010 times)
Blimblam
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #60 on: June 15, 2014, 06:31:39 PM »

it was her birthday the other day and I found myself really wanting to be recycled.  I know this is unhealthy thinking.  I find myself thinking maybe I can just accept it for what is and have fun playing make pretend for a little bit.
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Tausk
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« Reply #61 on: June 15, 2014, 10:29:35 PM »

it was her birthday the other day and I found myself really wanting to be recycled.  I know this is unhealthy thinking.  I find myself thinking maybe I can just accept it for what is and have fun playing make pretend for a little bit.

We've all been there.  You're not alone.  I've often tried to figure out if I could have endured more.  But it comes down to a point where we can't.  We think we can now cuz we just want the pain to go away, but in the middle of the insanity, I couldn't take anymore.  

It's good when we can recognize our feelings.  Honesty is half the battle and a cornerstone of recovery.  

It hurts, but it does get better if we continue to do the work.  Keep on the board.  Keep reading and writing.  Keep busy, work out, volunteer, go on a vacation... . finding meaning in our lives is very important.  Otherwise the void of our ex is too big to let stand.  Fill that void with meaning.  Even if it's to have a healthy body and mind for the long term.

We're here.  You're not alone.

T

P.S. the following was written by 2010 recently.  I think is might be her most brilliant piece.  Perhaps it will provide you some relief, not from the pain, but maybe from the suffering.

Excerpt
I just can't handle this anymore. We were supposed to be getting married next month and I feel like I can't let go of the man that I thought he was. I feel like I am barely surviving each day. My pain is so very deep that there are so many times I pray that God would just take my life. I know this sounds terrible, but I just don't feel like I will ever overcome this. I feel permanently damaged.

Why do I ache for someone that doesn't really love me and probably never did? How can I emotionally detach from this man? I feel like a drug addict that can't handle the withdrawals.

Crushed,

     My heart goes out to you on this. I think we’ve all been there. When you answer the emails and demand reasons (and apologies) for the inappropriate behavior and they don’t come- it can be devastating.

Many people who get into a relationship with idealization and mirroring can feel life affirmed in the beginning, almost as though this was a holy anointment.  And in the end, when it appears to be just a façade, it can cause such despair that one can only compare it to Hell.

The aftermath of this goes in stages; the back and forth; and having it get worse- only to spiral down and crash.  Then when you’ve crashed, you really want the pain to go away, and the only thing that you know will take that pain away is the proof that you were really loved in spite of it all, (in spite of the disorder.)  But this person can’t take away your pain when they are the cause of it and your uncertainty about that is sometimes outweighed by your hopefulness - and this is what needs to be addressed.

And at a certain point we all feel shame for not being able to “fix” the disorder.  And the more you read about addiction, the more you’ll understand that it really is about a “fix.” Uncertainty versus hope equals bargaining and denial of the dilemma can lead to toxic shame.  All of these “psychology today” terms that really stem from a spiritual wound that needs healing. There are reasons for this.

The BPD partner is really a representative of what you think will “fix” your spiritual wound.  If you have Love- you are lovable. If your love is taken away, you feel unlovable and you don’t want to live. After all, what is life *worth living* for if you were never truly loved?

So the catch-22 of all of this is that the person who said they loved you actually doesn’t understand love- they only know need.  They don’t know what stable love is- otherwise they would feel it- you would feel it and the entire World would be Glorious, but this is a disorder. You’ve got to respect that.

And the truth of the matter is that you’ve also got to intellectually understand that you fell in love with a person that has a distorted belief system that causes them to have a pattern of unstable interpersonal behavior. The behavior is triggered by you due to intimacy, and it is their wonky way of a coping mechanism for the thoughts of persecution and bondage to a punitive parent that exists in their head. Lying and impulsive behavior and anger and fear and projection are all part and parcel of the disorder. It’s not reasonable to think you are no longer loveable because of the disorder’s distorted beliefs. You are loveable. The disorder wouldn’t have been triggered otherwise.

Hopefully, you know that you are very important. Your importance means that in the aftermath of this failed love- there is still love for yourself that has to be lit from within. If it isn’t, the need to hand it over to another person for safe keeping is too much responsibility, especially for someone who is unstable. You must have self-love despite the fact that another human being appears unable to carry your love. In all likelihood, both of you had great intentions for love, but the unstable belief system guaranteed an outcome that did not support trust and faith. This is a disorder. I’m very sorry and I know it hurts.

I know you feel down right now. This is completely appropriate given the circumstances, but I’m here to tell you – you will get through this. There is a resolve inside of you that will not be extinguished. It is a flame that exists in spite of your heartache and you will keep it alive, because there are many people out there who will love you- you just need to give them a chance. Day by day, every person you meet gives you the possibility for love. The despair you feel right now- it will pass, I promise. But first, we need closure on your spiritual wound. Your despair is about a lack of closure, and this back and forth just rips the scab off. So how do we suture you up? What is the best method of closure?

For most people, closure is an action word - you take action by closing the door to someone who has hurt you- especially someone who has hurt you multiple times. And for most people, this is very hard to do. You’ve held out hope for so long and the back and forth is keeping that hope alive, but it’s also spiritually draining.

No contact is saying that you don’t want to be hurt anymore and you want (or at least attempt) a better future. The hope is something you give yourself. That’s self-preservation and self love and it’s the effort you make to keep that tiny flame alive inside of you despite the fact that another person has hurt you. You may fall off the wagon and break the no contact agreement, but it will eventually work its way through and the door will be closed. Then you must grieve.

The best you can hope for is that someday you will find peace from the aftermath (now known as an interaction rather than a relationship) An interaction with someone who needed you for the wrong reasons, (not the right ones) which supported a disordered belief system where you were assigned a role to play. You’re going to have to accept that this wasn’t supposed to be a lifelong commitment and that’s a GOOD thing you realized this sooner rather than later.

You will eventually accept that the closing of doors lead to the opening of others, and you will wistfully admire your commitment to try and love this person, while realizing the futility of your efforts and still ask yourself the hard questions about why you were willing to love in such a way that you were willing to turn against loving yourself.

It will get better. Day by day. Give it time. And please don’t ever give up. Hope you keep posting.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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corraline
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« Reply #62 on: June 15, 2014, 11:48:17 PM »

tausk, i know, that post from 2010 is amazing. I remember it and  i had copied it. thanks for reminding me of it again.  
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Blimblam
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« Reply #63 on: June 16, 2014, 12:15:25 AM »

thank you all so much. Tausk, that post was really insightful.   

I feel like I know how she feels at her core now.  I feel like to be in love always provides a mirror to the one they love and through that mirror a bridge is formed where there is a transfer of energy to truly know the essence other person.

I remember a text I sent her shortly after I pushed her away.  I regretted it.  I texted her, "Look at us now. you lost me and you don't even care  and I hate myself for it." 

I never knew what it felt like to hate myself until now.  When loving someone is the same as hating myself.  It truly is twisted. 

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