borderline tells me "[she] is the love of her life."

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

one thing that pissed me off is one of my replacements would take my gifts and "clear the negative energy with crystals" thus making them gifts from her.  Even the crystal she used was from me!~!

[Blimblam]

one thing that pissed me off is one of my replacements would take my gifts and "clear the negative energy with crystals" thus making them gifts from her.  Even the crystal she used was from me!~!

[Blimblam]

Durring the relationship with her until things got "too serious" it was drama free.  seriously it was the best experience of my life.  There was no drama they way people describe on here.  Because she externalized all the drama onto other people in her triangles.

this is why I must remain no contact its totally not fair. For the replacement person to receive essentially my positive energy and she dumps the toxic out on me.  In order for her to make the SO to feel so good it requires her to put the "bad guy" in hell.  When I was the SO her dad was in hell.  Once  there was not enough space for her to not do that to him I went to hell.

Its interesting to hear people with a similar type of pwBPD because of her triangles and displacing of negative energy she is able to stay pretty positive and doenst flip out or cause drama just really easy going and chill.  Untill you are on the receiving end and she is chill but you are not. You are being tortured but her façade of chill gas lights you.

There are never any clear moments of her flipping out in a way that makes anything obvious she is the problem. They are rare and happen when she is open enough to try to have a conversation with you about respect, being accountable, and equity.  These are the only real tells that something must be seriously wrong because she genuinely has no idea what I am talking about.

Like someone said before a wolf in sheeps clothing. Because it is so much less obvious and the abuse is more subtle and gas lit so well it got passed my defences to my core and ate me alive. she never instigated a fight.

[Conundrum]

There are never any clear moments of her flipping out in a way that makes anything obvious she is the problem. They are rare and happen when she is open enough to try to have a conversation with you about respect, being accountable, and equity.  These are the only real tells that something must be seriously wrong because she genuinely has no idea what I am talking about.

The disordered archetype you have been describing, I know all too well. In our present culture with its tendency to favor the trivial, we label these women "hoes." A more apt term, is "femme fatale," translated as "fatal woman." 

Now, that is mostly a metaphor, as they are not literally assassins, but if you permit it, they will steal your soul. You are in essence Faust bargaining with your own dark desires.

When a woman such as this, does not declare her essence for all the world to see (and of course they never do) you may become a shareholder, but will never own a majority stake in her loins. How exactly would you like her to explain to you that she requires, nay absolutely needs, an indeterminate stream of validation from a panoply of men in perpetuity. Would you be open and radically accept that?

I hear your pain, and though I am quite older than you--so relate. I wish for you smiles, patience and joy. This girl, or woman is neither marriage nor relationship material. The narcissists and psychopaths have not won her. That is only confirmation that she has given into the illness. The vast majority of pwBPD who are intensely working on their disorder via structured evidence based programs, wouldn't be caught dead staying in a relationship with those types. If you choose and are willing to use her too--you may own stock in her. But if you desire more than a minority shareholder interest, she is not for you. These women share themselves with many, while secreting themselves from all.

[Blimblam]

conundrum,

This makes a lot of sense.  Its funny because I think there was a time before me where she was a loyal gf to her partners and the last guy screwed her over and she transformed into her current state. Afraid of trusting a guy again to hurt her.  When she could receive validation from an endless stream like you say.  In essence perhaps I am her first blood so to speak.  She didn't feel confident in her looks before me.  Now I think she had begun to realize her power.  I think she had been empowered with confidence, which makes her all the more dangerous.

tell me more conundrum of your familiarity with the type.  Like I say in many ways she is much different than the type I hear people on here talk about.

[Conundrum]

Blim, the answers, but not the remedy are found in her childhood. It is always that way... .

[Conundrum]

tell me more conundrum of your familiarity with the type.  Like I say in many ways she is much different than the type I hear people on here talk about.

There are less differences than you may appreciate. Focus on the lying and how that relates to shame. It is a common theme here. The lack of raging, or the ability to be social does not disqualify this disorder. As I said, there is a traumatic secret from her childhood present--or maybe she has disclosed that to you.

My familiarity, means little--because I (along w everyone else here), am unable to alter the course of the disorder for my pwBPD. It is folly to even try. Let them go. Have fun if you want. Accept them for who they are. But attempting to sustain a possessory interest within a committed monogamous relationship (absent a structured program) will cause grief and suffering. That's just the way... .    

[Xstaticaddict]

This girl, or woman is neither marriage nor relationship material. The narcissists and psychopaths have not won her. That is only confirmation that she has given into the illness. The vast majority of pwBPD who are intensely working on their disorder via structured evidence based programs, wouldn't be caught dead staying in a relationship with those types. If you choose and are willing to use her too--you may own stock in her. But if you desire more than a minority shareholder interest, she is not for you. These women share themselves with many, while secreting themselves from all.

Wow that's really a great way to look at it. The last line especially rings true with mine. Always inviting you in but no one can actually get close or be actually inside or safe to her or from her.

[Blimblam]

when she took acid and flipped out I saw her the real her a lost scared 3 year old.  At that moment she completely trusted me.  She told me a lot of truths.  Something flipped a switch in her and she felt a tremendous guilt and it was like she was on a truth syrum.  The insights into the things she said I didn't fully appreciate until now.  She was warning me of her and how she would hurt me and how she couldn't help it it was out of her control almost.  She cried and apologized profusely.  She told me what she needed from me to maintain the relationship.  BUt the reality of the methods of the disorder drove me insane.

I really believe she wanted it to work.  The disorder beat me down.  I think The fact she sabataged it from working caused her shame that she projected and disassociated onto me.  My pain made her aware of her shame and she decided to destroy "me," her own shame.  She no longer saw me but the part of herself she can not bear to see. 

[Blimblam]

thanks conundrum you really cleared a lot of things up for me man.

Im going to watch some film noire.

[notmeyou]

one thing that pissed me off is one of my replacements would take my gifts and "clear the negative energy with crystals" thus making them gifts from her.  Even the crystal she used was from me!~!

Lol well it's a good thing they used the purity and benevolence of their spirits to protect themselves from the evil of the gifts that you gave her.  That wouldn't have worked though unless they cleared the crystals of your negative energy first, because the crystals were from you too.  Maybe they used a different crystal that another victim gave her, to clear the negative energy from your crystal so they could use your crystal to clear the negative energy from the gifts you have her.  That wouldn't have worked though unless they used yet another crystal in order to clear the negative energy from the crystal that they used to clear the negative energy from the crystal that you gave her.  It's a good thing that she's a decent person and so spiritually aware, because your negative gifts could have really messed their heads up.

Acid can open you up to archetypes and early trauma, but it can also make you vulnerable to pathological momentum ... . and that, in turn, can become part of the framework re-established, even if insight is attained or blockage is cleared.  BPDs are masters of compartmentalization; acid is one of the only things that would take them drastically to their core damage, but they're entire existence is already used to ignoring that ... . so if it's possible to, they will.  Acid can make ignoring it impossible, but then it wears off.  Plus BPDs cast powerful resentment toward whatever the source of their vulnerability, so they tend to dislike and fear LSD, maybe particularly because their experiences on it WHERE useful.  It sounds like she just got vulnerable, responded rationally to the insights, but then grew out of it when she was safely without a conscience again.  I'm convinced that BPDs are among the only people for whom LSD would have very little positive lasting effect even potentially, unless they were permanently tripping or never came down (but that would obviously destabilize them and they would self destruct).  The people I've known that have turned out to be the most pathological and absent of conscience are those who I've seen acid have little effect on.  In fact, if someone did a lot of it over a period of time and never had a bad trip, I started assuming they were psychopathic in some way.  At least your ex caught an extended glimpse of having a true conscience.  It sounds like she deserved it.

[Blimblam]

notmenotyou,

her trip lasted a total of 6 or 7 days.  That is not normal at all. She was a scared lost 3 year old she placed complete trust in me and I did my best.  I think confronting her dad who she split black and him talking about moving away from her triggered her.  So she began to bad trip and I guess that made her think of why he would do that and she felt real genuine guilt.  Also I led her though her bad trip talking about why she felt what she felt and so on. I think I helped lead her to the realizations she had as far as guilt.

I always encouraged her to face her fears and to grow.  Most of her friends just have that blame others and run away I don't give a f*** mentality.

I unfriended her on fb the other day.  And she posted this new fb photo I think aimed probably at me and her other ex to refriend her on fb could be a message to a replacement who used her and left. I actually think its an old photo she took during our relationship from months and months ago.  Its always hard to decipher these kinds of things.  I know it has to do how she is feeling in the end and feeling abandoned and she probably thinks of multiple people.  I thought I was special to her.  I know its just a lure. I might refriend her because I don't want to hurt her.  Even though she hurt me the worst in my life.

[Blimblam]

Yeah,

Im beginning to think their is a type of BPD girl that is the chill stoner.  Shes young and she has modern technology feed her a steady narcissistic supply by way of her fan club via social media and messeging texting and snap chat.

She never has to feel alone again.  SHe can simply send a snap chat of where and what she is doing. which is smoking weed and wait for her fan club to volunteer to meet with her to smoke. SHe gets to pick someone like her exbf or her dad or some friend she has painted black to talk ISh about behind their back to you.  She is the coolest chick ever. So laid back.

Once she starts to trust you she will have little self pitty freak outs but nothing big.  Never an argument she starts.  SHe doesnt cut but now and then she gets a tattoo or a piercing.  She talks about her crappy childhood and she comes from a dysfunctional background. She never pulls annoying BS moves to draw attention to herself in public.

she is the cool chick. She is sweet kind and understanding.

until real expectations of a grown up relationship kick in.

[Blimblam]

When I think back on the entire experience sometimes I feel like it in the fable hansel Grehdel and the house made of candy but really I was a prisoner being fattened to be consumed.

[Blimblam]

I think I've found my truth.

Its basically the movie the exorcist.

I saw the layers all peeled back and saw the lost child.  I've also seen the veil of lies.  All of this exists within her. The lost child told me the truth.  It was all true.  The disorder "protects" the lost child held captive somewhere deep inside. The lost child wants to be rescued but the disorder distorts all of this. The disorder is in control. The disorder is powerful and a master of deception. The disorder deceives the lost child as well and torments her. The disorder needs to feed. If I truly love her and give myself to her the disorder will destroy me.

[christoff522]

conundrum,

This makes a lot of sense.  Its funny because I think there was a time before me where she was a loyal gf to her partners and the last guy screwed her over and she transformed into her current state. Afraid of trusting a guy again to hurt her.  When she could receive validation from an endless stream like you say.  In essence perhaps I am her first blood so to speak.  She didn't feel confident in her looks before me.  Now I think she had begun to realize her power.  I think she had been empowered with confidence, which makes her all the more dangerous.

Nah, I don't know her age but she will have been BPD since childhood, symptoms only revealing themselves in her teen years. When I first found my BPD i had no idea she was like that. Her bf just seemed mean and nasty and she seemed like this adorable little thing with loads of life in her.

Even if she had been your friends for years, its unlikely you would have noticed this dark side, they keep it very well hidden until they allow someone in close enough to see it. Now this won't be every boyfriend or lover, just the ones she trusts the most. Then she will reveal her inner pain, idolize you, then eventually devalue and discard.

I can assure you of this as well, she's never been a loyal girlfriend to any partner she's had since about the ages of 14/16.

BPD doesn't stem from bad relationships, it stems from genetic disposition and parental neglect/control. Its essentially rebellion against all the status quo. Nothing can ever be the same for too long.

So whatever partner she's with now, they'll get screwed over. If the relationship seems good, it won't be.

[christoff522]

Yeah,

Im beginning to think their is a type of BPD girl that is the chill stoner.  Shes young and she has modern technology feed her a steady narcissistic supply by way of her fan club via social media and messeging texting and snap chat.

Substance abuse is common with BPD, alcohol, weed, speed, ecstasy etc. Social media has made it easier for the narcissistic side of the BPD to be stroked.

She never has to feel alone again.  SHe can simply send a snap chat of where and what she is doing. which is smoking weed and wait for her fan club to volunteer to meet with her to smoke. SHe gets to pick someone like her exbf or her dad or some friend she has painted black to talk ISh about behind their back to you.  She is the coolest chick ever. So laid back.

Back in the day they'd go to nightclubs and 'hook up'. Now its a simple text, snapchat, fb message etc

Once she starts to trust you she will have little self pitty freak outs but nothing big.  Never an argument she starts.  SHe doesnt cut but now and then she gets a tattoo or a piercing.  She talks about her crappy childhood and she comes from a dysfunctional background. She never pulls annoying BS moves to draw attention to herself in public.

No BPD does that, remember BPD is about inner shame. To increase that shame publically would devastate her. Also, just a heads up, BPD often leads to suicide, and institutionalisation. I know you're angry at her, as I was angry at mine. But this is a real serious mental illness, one thats practically incurable. We're not just dealing with some shallow manipulative weirdo. But someone who's going to suffer this for life, and whilst it rears its ugly head in some of the most sinful ways known to man, she can't really help it. She's twisted, and she does feel bad about how she's treated you. Trust me on that.

she is the cool chick. She is sweet kind and understanding.

until real expectations of a grown up relationship kick in.

Thats the way it goes. Give it time and it'll get easier. We've all been where you are. Just remember this:

IT WAS NOTHING PERSONAL.

[Blimblam]

Yea christof,

I am slowly coming to accept the realization that it was nothing personal.  She has told me "[she] felt bad," for hurting me.  It was so confusing because she wanted me in her life but would continue to hurt me.  Having a better understanding of what I was dealing with has been my only solace.  The waifs are a dangerous master of shadows and deception.  I wanted to know the real her but to know that in its entirety would destroy me completely.  I am lucky to still be alive and have another chance at life.  They are the muse, the magical princess, the black widow, the femme fatale, the succubus, the vampire.

The spell is broken now but I am not yet free of her not yet.

reading the thread in the link has helped me tremendously.

www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=134717

[Blimblam]

since I have painted myself permanently black I decided to initiate LC that will keep me blacker than black but also allow me to put forward some truths. 

So I will randomly text her things about being alone.  "just be you.  with no attention from anyone to feel good about yourself. with no company to distract you from yourself.  face the demon tormenting the lost little girl. Know that you are whole and complete by yourself."

she plays it off like I am a weirdo.   which I now know is gas lighting.  I know deep down on some level she knows exactly what I'm talking about. But I don't answer her response.

[christoff522]

Yea christof,

I am slowly coming to accept the realization that it was nothing personal.  She has told me "[she] felt bad," for hurting me.  It was so confusing because she wanted me in her life but would continue to hurt me.  Having a better understanding of what I was dealing with has been my only solace.  The waifs are a dangerous master of shadows and deception.  I wanted to know the real her but to know that in its entirety would destroy me completely.  I am lucky to still be alive and have another chance at life.  They are the muse, the magical princess, the black widow, the femme fatale, the succubus, the vampire.

Yeah mine seemed to have awareness of her 'condition', but only in the deflection sort of thing. She would agree she had something up, but not enough to ever change it. To be fair, it would be very difficult for any change to happen, almost so much that unless they truly, internally accepted that they had BPD, they would never ever seek help. Mine always said she wanted me to find someone else, and I said the same to her, that she needed to find someone to help her.  You are lucky to be alive, and you need to learn and grow from it. My encounter has greatly strengthened my faith in God, in fact its irrevocably changed my beliefs, made me drop depressing preachers and approach more positive ones, its made me read purpose driven life and do the 40 days of purpose. As bad as my little pumpkin may be, knowingly or not, shes had a great impact on me which I appreciate. Maybe its encountering such manifest evil, that makes one run to perfect good?

The spell is broken now but I am not yet free of her not yet.

The spell will be broken when your next gf turns out not to have BPD 

reading the thread in the link has helped me tremendously.

www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=134717

Thats an amazing thread. I love reading people's stories, I always LOL when it describes my BPD perfectly. Thats scary!

[christoff522]

since I have painted myself permanently black I decided to initiate LC that will keep me blacker than black but also allow me to put forward some truths.  

So I will randomly text her things about being alone.  "just be you.  with no attention from anyone to feel good about yourself. with no company to distract you from yourself.  face the demon tormenting the lost little girl. Know that you are whole and complete by yourself."

she plays it off like I am a weirdo.   which I now know is gas lighting.  I know deep down on some level she knows exactly what I'm talking about. But I don't answer her response.

Blimblam, stop it. You're doing yourself no good at all. Just leave her alone and grow yourself.

What you're doing is continuing to try and fix her, you're feeding your addiction, but honestly sir - it is odd, you know what she is, and you know what BPD is - its her personality - its who she is. Nothing you say can change how empty she feels, she only gets momentary, fleeting fulfillment from meeting new people to have relationships with. Honestly you'd be doing yourself and her a favour by deleting her number. She isn't playing it off like you're a weirdo, she believes you are. Hard to say, but you're painted black - which means she hates you. She isn't sitting there in her bedroom sad and upset at your not being around, she's texting new people.

Let me put it like this: the man who thinks hes a chicken, isn't desiring to not be a chicken, and if you texted him and told him he wasn't a chicken - he'd think you were the crazy one.

Just leave her alone, find your purpose and fulfillment in life. Don't externalize this relationship as if she's done you bad, use these forums to recover from it, and try to understand WHY YOU HAD THE RELATIONSHIP. As far as you need to be concerned, your ex has died, she's gone forever. Just grieve and move on.

And please notice something, when I post I always use the "was" not "is" in reference to our former SO's, and lots of other people on the forums do the same. It's because we do not seek contact with them, we push for NO CONTACT. Because BPDs are an addiction for our sort. It's because they're master manipulators, folks who have a serious mental disorder and compensate by externalising themselves onto others. You're this, you're that etc.

Find peace elsewhere

[BorisAcusio]

since I have painted myself permanently black I decided to initiate LC that will keep me blacker than black but also allow me to put forward some truths.  

So I will randomly text her things about being alone.  "just be you.  with no attention from anyone to feel good about yourself. with no company to distract you from yourself.  face the demon tormenting the lost little girl. Know that you are whole and complete by yourself."

she plays it off like I am a weirdo.   which I now know is gas lighting.  I know deep down on some level she knows exactly what I'm talking about. But I don't answer her response.

Blimblam, stop it. You're doing yourself no good at all. Just leave her alone and grow yourself.

What you're doing is continuing to try and fix her, you're feeding your addiction, but honestly sir - it is odd, you know what she is, and you know what BPD is - its her personality - its who she is. Nothing you say can change how empty she feels, she only gets momentary, fleeting fulfillment from meeting new people to have relationships with. Honestly you'd be doing yourself and her a favour by deleting her number. She isn't playing it off like you're a weirdo, she believes you are. Hard to say, but you're painted black - which means she hates you. She isn't sitting there in her bedroom sad and upset at your not being around, she's texting new people.



Let me put it like this: the man who thinks hes a chicken, isn't desiring to not be a chicken, and if you texted him and told him he wasn't a chicken - he'd think you were the crazy one.

Just leave her alone, find your purpose and fulfillment in life. Don't externalize this relationship as if she's done you bad, use these forums to recover from it, and try to understand WHY YOU HAD THE RELATIONSHIP. As far as you need to be concerned, your ex has died, she's gone forever. Just grieve and move on.

And please notice something, when I post I always use the "was" not "is" in reference to our former SO's, and lots of other people on the forums do the same. It's because we do not seek contact with them, we push for NO CONTACT. Because BPDs are an addiction for our sort. It's because they're master manipulators, folks who have a serious mental disorder and compensate by externalising themselves onto others. You're this, you're that etc.

Find peace elsewhere

Listen to christoff and always keep in mind that borderlines do not mourn relationships. I took the "miss you badly" bait after a month we split up, her phone was constantly on fire when we met. As it turned out, she went on numerous dates on the 4 weeks, while at the same time, I was mostly laying in my bed, fetal position, ruminating and feeling guilty. It's humiliating, try no to repeat others' mistakes.

[Blimblam]

Yeah thank you all.  You know what.  I believe in evil now.   

[Tausk]

since I have painted myself permanently black I decided to initiate LC that will keep me blacker than black but also allow me to put forward some truths. 

So I will randomly text her things about being alone.  "just be you.  with no attention from anyone to feel good about yourself. with no company to distract you from yourself.  face the demon tormenting the lost little girl. Know that you are whole and complete by yourself."

she plays it off like I am a weirdo.   which I now know is gas lighting.  I know deep down on some level she knows exactly what I'm talking about. But I don't answer her response.

For me, this was like when I tried to rescue.  I tried to outwit the Disorder.  But it's a Disorder!  The Disorder does not want happiness.  The Disorder takes hostages and causes collateral damage in the souls of it's victims left by the wayside.  The truth is irrelevant.  And the Disorder always wins.

The only way not to lose and to stop the hemorrhaging is not to play.  And the only way to leave to game is as a victim.

[Blimblam]

Dealing with this stress I got my first wrinkles

[Blimblam]

I hate that I miss her so much.  I hate that I still love her so damn much even though she hurt me so bad.  I hate that I cant hate her.  I hate the disorder.  I hate that I can't have A conversation with her. 

[Tausk]

I hate that I miss her so much.  I hate that I still love her so damn much even though she hurt me so bad.  I hate that I cant hate her.  I hate the disorder.  I hate that I can't have A conversation with her. 

It's hard.  It sucks.  It hurts.  It will get better if we do the right things to take care of ourselves.

But that doesn't ease the pain today too much.  But maybe makes it bearable.  I remember when I wasn't even sure that I could bear the pain.   It ripped my insides out.

I hope you find some peace.  For me, part of enduring the pain was also to learn to feel it, learn to find positive distraction such as other areas of meaning in my life, and to simply share it on this board.

Be well.  We are with you.  Others have done what your are doing.  It doesn't to ease the pain, but maybe provides hope and faith that you will endure as a better and stronger person.

I have and I am.

T

[free-n-clear]

  I tried to outwit the Disorder. But it's a Disorder! The Disorder does not want happiness. The Disorder takes hostages and causes collateral damage in the souls of its victims left by the wayside. The truth is irrelevant. And the Disorder always wins.

  All of the above AND... . The Disorder exists in order to deny the existence of the Disorder. This is why so few pwBPD are ever formally diagnosed. As far as they're concerned, they don't have a problem - certainly not a major problem that requires psychological therapy. At best, they might have a little awareness of some of their symptoms. My uBPDxgf often admitted to her tendency to "push away the ones I love the most", but has no understanding whatsoever of the connection between that tendency and all the other symptoms/traits. And believe me, she displays them ALL.

[Blimblam]

The other day I told her I think she's BPD and she agreed

[christoff522]

The other day I told her I think she's BPD and she agreed

BPDs will admit to anything, it doesn't mean she does. She's probably just trying to manipulate you.

Blimblam, for your own sake, just go no contact. Delete everything pertaining to her out of your life. Thats the only way to go.

[Blimblam]

The other day I told her I think she's BPD and she agreed

BPDs will admit to anything, it doesn't mean she does. She's probably just trying to manipulate you.

Blimblam, for your own sake, just go no contact. Delete everything pertaining to her out of your life. Thats the only way to go.

:'(