borderline tells me "[she] is the love of her life."

[Blimblam]

my ex borderline once told me that I was the lover of her life.  Now she tells me she is the love of her life.   I understand borderlines have a difficulty loving themselves.   When borderlines learn to love themselves do they just become more narcissistic?

[corraline]

that is an interesting question Blimblam

I would imagine that a borderline who truly has some recovery and learns to love themselves in a healthy way would not become narcissistic.

I was curious about my ex this way too.  He was a big advocate of self love.  sometimes it seemed narcissistic to me too.

[Blimblam]

it is curious because self love can be a type of narcissism.  It seems it really has the potential for a borderline or npd person to disasociate from the negative energy they cause others and justify their denials to themselves.

what was strange is before all this self love stuff she would make an effort to not hurt people.  After the self love stuff she had this I don't give a f*** attitude.  

she started to get into all this being positive type of stuff that seems to be popular here in the states and this gave her another tool to disassociate from the pain she causes people also. and when the person she hurts shows pain to paint them black and split.

[Mutt]

it is curious because self love can be a type of narcissism.

It sounds like she was idealizing you, or you where in the "all good" side of the split when she stated this. A borderline has issues with trusting people around them and they don't trust themselves.

the negative energy they cause others and justify their denials to themselves.

The disassociation you are describing is projection, a defense mechanism. We sub-consciously do this ourselves, a negative trait, action or emotion and attribute it to someone else. Borderlines do this to the extreme. They don't realize that the problem is coming from them, they believe the problem is coming from the people around them.

[Blimblam]

hi mutt,

yes, she did Idealize me but she went into a 12 step program and they teach self love there.  To not rely on others to feel whole.

Now that she "loves herself," she is more selfish than ever.  Maybe this is just more inline with accepting her borderline traits and feeling no guilt or shame about them.  I think she was actually struggling with that part of herself before wanting to be " a good person."

I think it is something akin to in that show dexter where the his brother tries to get him to let go of his "code."  I think she developed some sort of code of conduct and had innerconflict with hurting other people.  I think the self love idea and the clichés like " be true to yourself, "be positive and you will attract the right people into your life."  etc.  Just became a way for her to run away from her innerconflict.  Also she probably mirrored the narcissists she was around in how they use these types of thinking to justify their selfishness.

[Mutt]

hi mutt,

yes, she did Idealize me but she went into a 12 step program and they teach self love there.  To not rely on others to feel whole.

Now that she "loves herself," she is more selfish than ever.  Maybe this is just more inline with accepting her borderline traits and feeling no guilt or shame about them.  I think she was actually struggling with that part of herself before wanting to be " a good person."

If she is borderline, I'm sorry Blimblam but a 12 step program is not going to help her. This is a serious disorder, this is a part of her personality. She needs DBT therapy which takes place weekly, for as long as years. She lacks a sense of self, emotional arrested development, she doesn't really know who she is, she looks for that in others.

[Blimblam]

yes mutt,

I agree and realize that.  I think she began hanging around narcissistic people that use positive thinking and new agey ideologies to justify bad behavior.  As soon as you react to the pain they cause you by them being selfish they blame the victim for being negative. perhaps her being a chameleon she just became more narcissistic.

[Mutt]

yes mutt,

I agree and realize that.  I think she began hanging around narcissistic people that use positive thinking and new agey ideologies to justify bad behavior.  As soon as you react to the pain they cause you by them being selfish they blame the victim for being negative. perhaps her being a chameleon she just became more narcissistic.

Were talking about a 12 step program like AA? I'm helping people here, I don't think it's narcissistic or egocentric. It's prosocial behavior and selfless. If she is a chameleon as you say, she's the invisible type, a high functioning BPD. The immature behaviors are acted out behind closed doors and directed at the SO.  

[Blimblam]

hi mutt,

I agree, you are helping people here! thank you for that!  She, my ex udpd, took a heavy dose of lsd at a festival last summer.  When she returned home she was confronted by her dad and triggered.  She had a very bad trip but then she felt guilty for all the lying and stealing she had and felt a tremendous guilt and went to everyone to admit her lies and stealing and beg for forgiveness.  She revealed her true self to me which was a 3 year old. She bad tripped for about 7 days and I thought she needed treatment.  I was afraid she would permatrip.  SHe enetered a detox and they convinced her to go to rehab.  I felt like she was being brainwashed by a cult. She came back a different person

[Mutt]

I'm truly sorry this happened to your loved one. It's scary and painful to have to witness her taking too much LSD and having a bad trip. Substance abuse is a DMS IV criteria for BPD. They act impulsively and as you say, emotionally immature. It's invisible, often they are treated for depression. My uBPDw is clinically depressed and was treated for depression for many years, it's often misdiagnosed and undetected. Your ex didn't get the help that she needed.

[Johnny Alias]

It's interesting. I've have two experiences with borderlines. One was hardcore into Ayn Rand and used her theories on objectivism and self interest to rationalize tons of horrible actions on her part. The other proclaimed me as the love of her life right til the very end... . But had no answers as to why she was so fricking abusive to me half the time.

The thing to remember is they don't change. Their versions of love are objectified... . They might have loved me but it was as a possession like a new car rather than a person with feelings.  When the object wears out through abuse much as a car would if you don't take care of it they throw it away and get a new one.

That's my theory anyway. They might take the old ride for a spin now and again when the new one breaks down (ie recycling) but you'll never truly be the new car to them again.

And eff all that.

[Blimblam]

The thing to remember is they don't change. Their versions of love are objectified... . They might have loved me but it was as a possession like a new car rather than a person with feelings.  When the object wears out through abuse much as a car would if you don't take care of it they throw it away and get a new one.

That's my theory anyway. They might take the old ride for a spin now and again when the new one breaks down (ie recycling) but you'll never truly be the new car to them again.

And eff all that.

yes, this! you get one chance.  Unless your a an fing douchebad narcissist or psychopath in which case you get fresh new chances at being the new car. Because they never felt anything like real caring or love from you anyways. Only abuse and of course they can forgive abuse from someone who don't give a fug!

[Alex86]

hey might have loved me but it was as a possession like a new car rather than a person with feelings.  When the object wears out through abuse much as a car would if you don't take care of it they throw it away and get a new one.

This is the same example I gave to my ex.

So she has a Jaguar (i.e., you)... . she is let's say 80% satisfied with you.

But after a while she gets bored. She may listen to another friend or her instinct

telling her that you miss something. For example, the handbrake is not made from metal.

And that's it. For this reason, she is capable to change the Jaguar for another car without knowing

if it will satisfy her in the end.

[notmeyou]

Many of them also try to demolish the old car.  They want to know it's crushed because they didn't like how it responded accurately to their movements and don't want to be reminded that they are terrible drivers.  Then they make a few phone calls and have it hauled out of the junkyard but then parked on the side of the road somewhere only semi-accessible where no one will know if it's abandoned or not ... . then they clean it up a little while the new one is in the shop so that when the new one is up to their standards again, they can have sex with it in your backseat and watch fluid come out of you.

They know cars have feelings but it's just an object and they are human beings with feelings.  You steered them wrong and now look where you are.  Look what's happening in your back seat.  Why did you choose that?  Silly car.  Answer when I call unless I don't want to talk to you.  Why did you answer?HONK

[Blimblam]

Many of them also try to demolish the old car.  They want to know it's crushed because they didn't like how it responded accurately to their movements and don't want to be reminded that they are terrible drivers.  Then they make a few phone calls and have it hauled out of the junkyard but then parked on the side of the road somewhere only semi-accessible where no one will know if it's abandoned or not ... . then they clean it up a little while the new one is in the shop so that when the new one is up to their standards again, they can have sex with it in your backseat and watch fluid come out of you.

They know cars have feelings but it's just an object and they are human beings with feelings.  You steered them wrong and now look where you are.  Look what's happening in your back seat.  Why did you choose that?  Silly car.  Answer when I call unless I don't want to talk to you.  Why did you answer?HONK

\This is so true.

[Blimblam]

I keep thinking of the song lyrics from that 80s song that goes "some of them want to use you, some of them want to be abused."

This applies to both the borderline and the codependent.

I must be a codependent or why would I end up getting played?  Why does she like players?  She was wary of players because they hurt her.  Yet she wants to remain friends with players.

I guess as a codependent we have our own fantasy of the white night or the rescuer.  That love prevails.  I felt like this girl might be my soulmate.  BUt I heard this quote from Eat Play Love I think that's the title anyway.  I don't remember the quote but to sumerize.  Your soulmate is the one who points out all your faults and exposes you and breaks your ego. They are not meant to stay in your life forever. They are the ones who will make you grow into a healthy whole person.

I am not a player. I think players tend to be narcissists somehow detached from being able to care and love deeply. I no longer want to play "the game" because as the codependent I will always lose.  I will get played.

I need to work on myself and find a nice wholesome girl. But first I need to heal which I expect to take at least a year.

Lets face it we are "chumps" in their world. If we were not chumps we would nat have ignored the red flags and fell in love.  They are stuck in that world for life.  We have the ability to learn self reflect and leave that world.

[christoff522]

my ex borderline once told me that I was the lover of her life.  Now she tells me she is the love of her life.   I understand borderlines have a difficulty loving themselves.   When borderlines learn to love themselves do they just become more narcissistic?

Nah you're completely misinterpreting what she's saying. She's saying "I hate myself and want to upset and confuse you because you're making me feel worse".

A borderline requires 10 years of therapy before they would learn to love themselves.

Borderlines are impulsive creatures, she probably doesn't even remember saying it now. Also sometimes they say things just to make themselves feel better cos they're in a slump. Without help nothing will change. Don't worry.

Also, every sufferer here has heard the 'love of my life' line.

[Blimblam]

my ex borderline once told me that I was the lover of her life.  Now she tells me she is the love of her life.   I understand borderlines have a difficulty loving themselves.   When borderlines learn to love themselves do they just become more narcissistic?

Nah you're completely misinterpreting what she's saying. She's saying "I hate myself and want to upset and confuse you because you're making me feel worse".

A borderline requires 10 years of therapy before they would learn to love themselves.

Borderlines are impulsive creatures, she probably doesn't even remember saying it now. Also sometimes they say things just to make themselves feel better cos they're in a slump. Without help nothing will change. Don't worry.

Also, every sufferer here has heard the 'love of my life' line.

THank you and yes she doesn't even remember saying it! This makes a lot of sense.  so 10 years of therapy and then what happens?

[christoff522]

I keep thinking of the song lyrics from that 80s song that goes "some of them want to use you, some of them want to be abused."

This applies to both the borderline and the codependent.

Yes, for a borderline both of those count, borderlines usually end up in abusive relationships with narcissists. Its hard to imagine just how tumultuous the head of a pwBPD is. Codependents are fixers, and its a scale as to how codependent one is. Borderlines will go with anyone, anyone who'll have them. So its premature to assume you are labelled codependent.

I must be a codependent or why would I end up getting played?  Why does she like players?  She was wary of players because they hurt her.  Yet she wants to remain friends with players.

Imagine living in a fairytale, where you're a princess and you keep finding these princes, and none of them can save you, you keep hoping and trying to find one who will. But none of them are capable, none of them understand. Players are more likely to share some understanding of their situation than we are. Crazy I know, but players take drugs, players drink, players will talk, players share their psychology. On some level the two gel more than codependents. Also codependents are more likely to be quite needy and emotionally dishonest towards them. We are more likely to want to rekindle the relationship, and thats why we hang round. Its hard for an emotionally disturbed girl to open up to someone in any kind of platonically intimate way when she knows deep inside you're pining for her.

I guess as a codependent we have our own fantasy of the white night or the rescuer.  That love prevails.  I felt like this girl might be my soulmate.  BUt I heard this quote from Eat Play Love I think that's the title anyway.  I don't remember the quote but to sumerize.  Your soulmate is the one who points out all your faults and exposes you and breaks your ego. They are not meant to stay in your life forever. They are the ones who will make you grow into a healthy whole person.

Honestly what you're saying is nothing new. I have to agree that my relationship showed me a lot about myself. How I was far too uptight, how lonely I really was, and just how much I needed to lift up my head more.

I am not a player. I think players tend to be narcissists somehow detached from being able to care and love deeply. I no longer want to play "the game" because as the codependent I will always lose.  I will get played.

Well said, yes many players are, hence the sharing of traits, making it easier for the two to bond. Usually it'll result in a relationship of violence and abuse. Also it confirms to the BPD what they think about themselves, resulting in a weird kind of stability (although it will result in explosive outbursts and breakups, usually cyclically as both sides struggle with their rage and anger - in the case of my former love and her bf its every two months).

I need to work on myself and find a nice wholesome girl. But first I need to heal which I expect to take at least a year.

Notice the use of the word 'need'. You want to find a nice wholesome girl. Our problem is that we have that need. You definitely need to heal. One thing we need to do is be less uptight.

Lets face it we are "chumps" in their world. If we were not chumps we would nat have ignored the red flags and fell in love.  They are stuck in that world for life.  We have the ability to learn self reflect and leave that world.

In her own way she loved you at first, she was infatuated, desired you. Then she found a fault.

But by then she was attached to you, entangled. We're not chumps. We never were. Thats the chatterbox in your head talking, thats your insecurity, self doubt, your self-blame. The Devil whispering in your ear telling you your worthless.

Why did we ignore the red flags? Because we're human beings. Because we have a desire for companionship - like they do. It's not a matter of being a fool, we just did what everyone else does, fall in love, get into a relationship that just happened to be kinda crazy.

Drop the intensity, it was what it was, now its over. Just like every other relationship. Yes we can recover, change, grow. They cannot without psychiatric therapy. They'll follow the same patterns over and over. You can begin to grow by changing the narrative about yourself.

THank you and yes she doesn't even remember saying it! This makes a lot of sense.  so 10 years of therapy and then what happens?

Theres that lack of impulse control that they have!

Well hopefully she'll have a much better sense of self and control of her impulses. DBT isn't a sure fire winner, and it's something I haven't looked into much because the hope of me and her getting back together seemed to die off. But hopefully it would lead to a partial sanity. have a look at kindle ebooks about recovered BPDs. It's promising. Sorry I can't be of any more help. Maybe someone else here knows more about the subject.

[Blimblam]

I keep thinking of the song lyrics from that 80s song that goes "some of them want to use you, some of them want to be abused."

This applies to both the borderline and the codependent.

Yes, for a borderline both of those count, borderlines usually end up in abusive relationships with narcissists. Its hard to imagine just how tumultuous the head of a pwBPD is. Codependents are fixers, and its a scale as to how codependent one is. Borderlines will go with anyone, anyone who'll have them. So its premature to assume you are labelled codependent.

I must be a codependent or why would I end up getting played?  Why does she like players?  She was wary of players because they hurt her.  Yet she wants to remain friends with players.

Imagine living in a fairytale, where you're a princess and you keep finding these princes, and none of them can save you, you keep hoping and trying to find one who will. But none of them are capable, none of them understand. Players are more likely to share some understanding of their situation than we are. Crazy I know, but players take drugs, players drink, players will talk, players share their psychology. On some level the two gel more than codependents. Also codependents are more likely to be quite needy and emotionally dishonest towards them. We are more likely to want to rekindle the relationship, and thats why we hang round. Its hard for an emotionally disturbed girl to open up to someone in any kind of platonically intimate way when she knows deep inside you're pining for her.

I guess as a codependent we have our own fantasy of the white night or the rescuer.  That love prevails.  I felt like this girl might be my soulmate.  BUt I heard this quote from Eat Play Love I think that's the title anyway.  I don't remember the quote but to sumerize.  Your soulmate is the one who points out all your faults and exposes you and breaks your ego. They are not meant to stay in your life forever. They are the ones who will make you grow into a healthy whole person.

Honestly what you're saying is nothing new. I have to agree that my relationship showed me a lot about myself. How I was far too uptight, how lonely I really was, and just how much I needed to lift up my head more.

I am not a player. I think players tend to be narcissists somehow detached from being able to care and love deeply. I no longer want to play "the game" because as the codependent I will always lose.  I will get played.

Well said, yes many players are, hence the sharing of traits, making it easier for the two to bond. Usually it'll result in a relationship of violence and abuse. Also it confirms to the BPD what they think about themselves, resulting in a weird kind of stability (although it will result in explosive outbursts and breakups, usually cyclically as both sides struggle with their rage and anger - in the case of my former love and her bf its every two months).

I need to work on myself and find a nice wholesome girl. But first I need to heal which I expect to take at least a year.

Notice the use of the word 'need'. You want to find a nice wholesome girl. Our problem is that we have that need. You definitely need to heal. One thing we need to do is be less uptight.

Lets face it we are "chumps" in their world. If we were not chumps we would nat have ignored the red flags and fell in love.  They are stuck in that world for life.  We have the ability to learn self reflect and leave that world.

In her own way she loved you at first, she was infatuated, desired you. Then she found a fault.

But by then she was attached to you, entangled. We're not chumps. We never were. Thats the chatterbox in your head talking, thats your insecurity, self doubt, your self-blame. The Devil whispering in your ear telling you your worthless.

Why did we ignore the red flags? Because we're human beings. Because we have a desire for companionship - like they do. It's not a matter of being a fool, we just did what everyone else does, fall in love, get into a relationship that just happened to be kinda crazy.

Drop the intensity, it was what it was, now its over. Just like every other relationship. Yes we can recover, change, grow. They cannot without psychiatric therapy. They'll follow the same patterns over and over. You can begin to grow by changing the narrative about yourself.

THank you and yes she doesn't even remember saying it! This makes a lot of sense.  so 10 years of therapy and then what happens?

Theres that lack of impulse control that they have!

Well hopefully she'll have a much better sense of self and control of her impulses. DBT isn't a sure fire winner, and it's something I haven't looked into much because the hope of me and her getting back together seemed to die off. But hopefully it would lead to a partial sanity. have a look at kindle ebooks about recovered BPDs. It's promising. Sorry I can't be of any more help. Maybe someone else here knows more about the subject.

thank you you've been very helpful how did you become so knowledgable?  I am just starting to come out of the fog myself.

I think I may have purposefully painted myself black forever in her eyes.  I really do need to heal and I really would like to be friends with her someday she was a sweet girl in many ways.  At times I resent her at other moments I feel sorry for her.  At other moments I want her to get therapy and take another shot at it. In many ways I wish I could forget her completely.  I was really stuck on the what ifs for a while.

After she dumped me I stuck around and got lied to and treated awfully for 6 months. There was a moment I decided I really needed time apart from any contact and that when she became sweet again but I didn't respond how she wanted so she become cold again.  A lot of push pull.  and all the other behaviors.  Extremely toxic.

Now I just want to heal this pain and anxiety has come to dominate my life and I feel paralyzed and stuck.

[christoff522]

thank you you've been very helpful how did you become so knowledgable?  I am just starting to come out of the fog myself.

I read lots and lots and lots. Also I spent most of the relationship trying to understand her. I went through histrionic personality disorder, to NPD and eventually came to BPD, a 'diagnosis' i reached after she'd left. At the time I loved her terribly, more than she knew. But I knew something was wrong with her and myself. It was so weird. Everybody around me saw a change in me, I was depressed, stressed out, and heading for a breakdown. Anyway, learning as much as you can is a great mind-occupier, and it helps with the yearning because its about her, you never know whats going to happen, and if they come back you're armed to the teeth with knowledge, and if they don't you'll have learnt about something you knew nothing about before, and it'll help you spot the warning signs next time.

I think I may have purposefully painted myself black forever in her eyes.  I really do need to heal and I really would like to be friends with her someday she was a sweet girl in many ways.  At times I resent her at other moments I feel sorry for her.  At other moments I want her to get therapy and take another shot at it. In many ways I wish I could forget her completely.  I was really stuck on the what ifs for a while.

I had this same problem, I sent a rather nasty message across skype telling her basically to eff off. I called her a narcissist, told her she had no empathy, that I worried for her new supply (not realising that she would end up back with her ex), that she was basically horrible. Then the next day i texted her apologising, then a few days later telling her I was moving on. Then her exes dad saw me on a date with someone else. Then a few days later I get a little notification on my smule page (online karaoke, an interest we both shared) ***** likes your song called 'forgiveness'. I was like 'okay'. Little did she know I'd deleted every song pertaining to her. When she found out she lost her rag, placed various photos of her and her ex and the current Triangulation partner on there, and she hasn't made any contact in about 6 weeks.

Anyway the moral of the long story, is that she probably does miss you, but she expects everything to be the same. She'll come back and it'll never be the same. She will be even more wary, you'll be more insecure. She will rage at you, cheat on you. I also resent her, but even more now I do feel sorry for her. She lost a guy who would have doted on her, who adored her. But she couldn't cope, and had she not left me then she would have left me later. It was never going to end any differently.

After she dumped me I stuck around and got lied to and treated awfully for 6 months. There was a moment I decided I really needed time apart from any contact and that when she became sweet again but I didn't respond how she wanted so she become cold again.  A lot of push pull.  and all the other behaviors.  Extremely toxic.

The crazy thing is my whole entanglement was 2 months. There was a process that preceded that that lasted months as we got to know one another. The whole thing was push pull, she idolized me (literally) until she found that I had faults. I requested breaks, couldn't keep to them, she began to hate me. Thats the whole thing, a growing hatred.

Now I just want to heal this pain and anxiety has come to dominate my life and I feel paralyzed and stuck.

I'm guessing you've not been NC for long. Honestly, theres nothing you can do to stop the discomfort and agony that you feel. You're suffering 10x what a normal breakup would give you. My only advice that I can give you is to cry, take lots of time outs as well to literally go through what happened. Try to vocalize it, to talk to yourself about it, sounds crazy but its only the same as sitting in therapy. Make it a prayer if that helps. Just make it real, speak life to it. Words have power. Make sure to allow yourself to cry, as long as it takes. You have to grieve, don't bottle it up. Trust me that it will get easier, expect it to be at least half the time of the relationship before you're able to ruminate without too much impact on you.

I unblocked everyone involved yesterday.  She has me blocked, but I checked her (x?)bfs page, a few days go his status reads "Sometimes its just easier to walk away", and todays was:

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future... . "

and then the latest: "Bad start to today, feeling s**t"

From one person to another, the pain and anxiety goes. Nothing will ever change, take comfort in that sir. Just remember that if you go back (and it's always possible) - you'll be making statuses like that in no time at all. I know its her cos I used to do the same. Its like the spirit inside you FIGHTS to make you leave. Chances are you would have left yourself eventually!

[Blimblam]

christoff,

mine never raged.  not once.  She is most of the time the epitomy of cool and chill.  Unless shes complaining about her dad.  I realized now she probably complains about me like she does her dad. 

She did gaslight me to the point I lost my sanity.  SHe lied cheated, leached.  Projected circular arguments,invalidated me like crazy, traiangulated constantly and to the nth degree. split and all the other BPD behaviors. she did all this towards the end and she did completely break me.

but she was a sweet quiet humble freak.  Very polite and well mannered.  No one would believe me if I told them she was BPD or anything the only person that really knows the truth is her dad.  He doesn't know anything about BPD but he sees the pattern and hes tired of being the bad guy.  Its like a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Xstaticaddict]

I really would like to be friends with her someday she was a sweet girl in many ways.  At times I resent her at other moments I feel sorry for her.  At other moments I want her to get therapy and take another shot at it. In many ways I wish I could forget her completely.  I was really stuck on the what ifs for a while.

Now I just want to heal this pain and anxiety has come to dominate my life and I feel paralyzed and stuck.

I was in this pattern of thinking just a couple weeks ago. That desire to be friends with her "someday" requires so many what if's to happen that I had to let go of that possibility and focus on only what's real. She doesn't have any real friends, because she has no relationship building/maintenance skills. What we have is a chance to spend the time we're not dealing with a BPD's chaos cultivating friendships with healthy people that actually care about us and are ALL friend instead of a bit of a potential friend sometimes.

Getting out and involved in group activities really, really, really helps to wake up that possibility that there are good people out there that will see and embrace you. I started dance classes right after the breakup, and now I know a dozen really fun sweet passionate people investing in themselves. For the first 4 months I felt terrible but lately that's starting to turn around, partly due to feeling like I'm accomplishing something for myself skill-wise, partly because it's doing something where I have to interact with many other people in a way that is truly collaborative, and partly because it gets my blood moving.

I can't overstate the importance of pushing yourself to stay physically active. Especially when you can feel yourself sinking into the depression.

[Blimblam]

xstatic,

That's where it gets tricky for me.  Because she is able to maintain friends.  The problem is a lot of these friends are guys she keeps in touch with on snapchat.  So these are not necessarily real friends.  But she has gfs she can get in touch with and hang out with if she wants.  Really, I don't know what she has been up to. In fact she can make friends easily because of her ability to make someone feel special.  

She seems quite popular when hanging out with her she gets a ridiculous amount of messages on her phone constantly. that was the lest few times we hung out.  It was very annoying, and its to the point she is on autopilot with all this going on through her phone.  I almost wanted to take her phone and smash it. and say "Now you can start being a human"  She doesn't say excuse me or any kind of courtesy and she makes various facial expressions that are confusing , invalidating, and gas lighting at the same time.  She gives no explanations.

[Blimblam]

heres is my story.

So I met a girl in my trade school class in the evenings.  She gave me this smile that hit me like a thunderboldt.  Whenever I said something funny we would look at each other.  I found out she had a bf and she made him seem like a great guy.  I figured at the time we could be friends and she would introduce me to other girls.  When she told me more about her bf he seemed like a real douche kind of bro, even though she gave no indication of being a victim. As it turns out her bf was married and telling her they were separated but still living with his wife. She would complain about the wife being a b___   He did eventualy leave her.  She would always complain about her dad what an ass he was.  

Eventually I would see her in class and she would complain about how much she was working and how little sleep she was getting and it seemed legit and how she didn't eat that day.  So I started bringing her food because I figured she hadn't ate that day. She was quiet and shy and beautiful. With that look of a freak in her eyes .  Then one day her bf disappeared and she was sad.  A week later we went to get tea before class.  We got tea a couple times.  Then the following week we were hanging out after class and she told me shes taking me home with her.  She was my ride and the next day her dad was working on her vehicle and it was out of commission.  So I ended up staying there for a week.  From that moment on we were enmeshed.  

I noticed when her dad would work on her vehicle she would freak out and start crying andshe wouldn't listen to a word he would say.  Then she say what an ass he was.  Other times to he would try to talk to her and she would just lie to him about everything.  

We were enseperable and it was the best feeling of my life. I loved it. we could have the best time ever doing nothing. It felt so magical.

I learned her whole story about her crazy tweeker family and growing up in a trailer in a tweeker town.  SHe had an 18 years old bf at age 13.  She was covered in tattoos. She was the diamond in the rough.  SHe was precious.

Shes a groovy stoner chick. she didn't mess with any hard drugs except the occasional E at a rave or psycadelic now and then. She has a pretty face and incredible body.  Groovy hippy stoner goddess.

She was kind polite and thoughtfull.  Things just got better and better. She seemed to have a terrible relationship with her immediate family she lived with.  SHe seemed to think it was like an inside joke to BS them with me but I didn't approve of that.

Her female friends seemed to have crappy morals.  One of them was in the school also and she was extremely rude and would sleep laying down in class. Randomly waking up to talk about random stories to portray herself as a spiritual caring person and her dreams and aspirations. Which had nothing to do with the topic in class. Then she would leave go next door and get tacos and smoke ciggs and drink a beer and come back to class and do it again.    :light:narcisisst!

I didn't really like her friend but if she wanted to go hang out with her I mean fine.  But her friend would have her call out of work and get ready then call her back saying she changed plans and she cant come. Her friend felt no guilt about that at all. SO my stoner princess was the victim.  :'(

I later found out she dated one guy for a year then dated his best friend after him for 2 years. Her ex dated her friend.    just a lot of weird stuff like that.

Things were going really good.

then she goes to a festival with the Narc friend and she took acid and came back and told me she realized I was the love of her life.  She told all her family and she had me promise her a lot of realy heavy intense things.  The thing was I could see all the layers were peeled back and she was a 3 year old. This was the real her trusting me completely.  :)ealing with her dad triggered her and she bad tripped for 5 days straight. She had this guilt trip and told her dad about the lying and stealing she had done that I didn't know about.  She went to her old job and told them she was stealing from them to and quit.  After that she was still bad tripping and I thought she needed professional help I was scared. we got her into a detox to come down and they convinced her to go to 30 day rehab.

while she was in their I started a business and put all the thing I had promised into action.  We had communication and she was so happy I was doing all that.

When she got out of their she had become sort of religious which was weird .  She wouldn't smoke weed which was fine.

So she decided she was mad at her dad and moved into my place I told her it would be for just a few days a week.  SHe never left . She got a job down the street part time. I got really busy and tried to give her a little bit of work. she was flakey she had me buy all the food and everything

I was working 60 hours a week and was dead tired when I got home and I had sprang my ankle.  I didn't have the time and energy to give her like I had before.  SHe was bored. She started smoking weed again. All her money on weed. I told her if we were going to get our own place and follow he plan we needed to save money and she needed to make more money. she complained about not having enough money so I told ill give you more work. she made up excuses.

she went to go stay at her dads a few weekends saying she needed space. around that time she started devaluing me. invalidating, lying, being secretive about her phone. The smirk!  all kinds of passive aggressive stuff gas lighting me constantly.  It got bad.  We went to go to christmass for the holiday at her moms and ONe night I read her text messages.  She had been seeing one dude behind my back and  met with some other guy with a gf in the middle of the night.  :'(  

I had a bunch of stuff unloaded I almost packed my stuff up and left her there. I didn't I stayed and just felt completely awfull started smoking again.  Just awfull.  I confronted her later on and she lied to me making up excuses. she said the most half assed sorry ever. promised she wouldn't see them again its just I had been so busy and neglecting her.

We get back and I was still hurting and devastated. I didn't see her for a couple days then she texts me shes going to break up with Me, but she sent it as if she was texting her friend.   she shows up and we break up but there was still a strong connection so I didn't think it was really over.

1 week later she has a super hot 19 year old girl living with her in her vehicle playing the im homeless card to everyone.  She did that three nights then she and her friend slept in her bad at her dads fro that point on.  SHe was still telling everyone she was homeless though. She would randomly come over to my place.  We were still hanging out.

I texted her I was going to eat Chinese food and she texts me back Ill be right over. I didn't invite her though.  Then she comes to eat with me and gets a text and jets as soon as she was dones in a rude akward way.  Slowly I began to pull away as she pulled these rude moves like that.  Something happened one day that I just got fed up with her and told her off sort of calling her on her BS and she just played the victim and twisted everything around.  I was explaining to her about respect and reciprocity and she just didn't seem to understand.  I was still hurt from how she had treated me around the time of the break up, and didn't fully trust her or forgiven her. I was giving her a chance but she was totally taking me for granted. And any talk of these basic concepts of respect in any type of relationship she just didn't understand.

I decided I needed a break from her.  about a month later we started texting again. and she would tell me about our special connection not to listen to anyone else they don't understand our connection.  So I thought ok I want this to work I want her back lets do this.  We went to a show together and  everything was back to how it was.  I had her back but I didnt want to jump back in that night and I could have.  The girl she had sleeping at her place had a BF now.  She told me she was going to kick her out because her dad was upset.  SHe wanted me to go camping with her in 2 days at a big group camping trip.  We ended up not going and all of a sudden she was distant and the window had closed.  Any communication from that point on was devaluing.  I hung out with her a couple weeks later. and she had like 5 guys snapchatting her constantly and who knows how many people texting her. Her phone was just blowing up. this bothered me but I figured whatever they can try to get at her but she loves me.  while hanging out like randomly dudes would just show up to smoke. I realized she had like a harem going. The Triangulation was strong and all kinds of subtle devaluation.  It just destroyed me. anytime she noticed anxiety in me that evil smirk. and then gas lighting me for being paranoid and controlling.

That weekend I was suppoced to meet her dad for something and I called and he wasn't there so I called her and she was pissed off.  I happened to have to drive past her place to get to where I was going and noticed her vehicle wasn't there and realized she slept the night somewhere else. She called me later apologizing she was just still sleeping. I was working and I went to get lunch about 5 mins after that call and had to drive past her place to get food and her verhicle was parked in its usual spot.

She was lying to me but I figured its cuz she still wants to get with me and so what she is single.  The next week we hung out a few more times. ANd she had just lost all respect for me she was lying constantly and devaluing again and invalidating constantly. It was really really bad.  So the next day I decided I just cant trust this girl this BS will never stop. I started texting her shes a liar day after day. calling her out on stuff I knew she was lying about.  she finally called her friend and decided enough was enough told her friend I was crazy blah blah. and then she decided we cant be friends anymore and not to talk or hang out anymore.  This was a week before a festival we were going to go together.  I just knew if we went to that festival together we would recycle but I could see the pattern and my gut told me it will only get worst and it wont end.

we were together 10 months and 6 months broken up but still in touch.  about 8 months of devaluing.  the devaluing was mostly constant invalidation lieing and gas lighting. That and her phone always blowing up and accusing me of  being paranoid and controlling if I asked about her phone usage. WHen she would use her phone she had that evil smirk.  The evil smirk became a huge part of things because sometimes it was so slight I wasn't sure and she gas lit me so much I was totally off balance. Didn't know up from down, and the invalidation I lost all my confidence to do anything I became clumsy and would even stammer.  She broke me and I was obsessive thinking about her and what the hell was real and the mass confusion. I was consumed by it, and it drove me crazy.  I had become the bad guy she needed to make a fool of and complain about. She broke me and I was an empty shell with only the memories of the person I had been. Confused lost and anxious in an obsessive PTSD like fashion.

[notmeyou]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.  I can barely fathom it, hearing the details ... . and I went through similar for six years, but knowing other people experience this level of vulnerability and betrayal is like seeing it fresh again.  I tear up reading this site.  There's so much suffering.  Your experience seems like it was condensed too, like some do.  It helps to commiserate, to understand, to see proof in this detail.  It's validating.  But I don't know how people who go through it for 20+ years even manage to feed or wipe themselves and drive to work.

I felt a particular relation to your story.  The festivals and eventual triangles etc.  Some BPDs can seem so socially freeing and enlightened ... . and it's just you and them in that world, surrounded by the comfort of social navigation and innate human fulfillment, but safe and powerfully inspired with each other like no one else.  Being in love is supposed to feel that way.

Then you are ___.  Oh well.

Wait no, there's just problems it's still the best love.  No one understands our connection.  You turd.

It's your fault.  Aren't I hot?

I hate the smirk.  I enjoy the word "smug" because of it.

I feel like your story warrants a more involved or at least direct response from me than this, but I'm just getting my feet here on the site.

Hang in there.  This whole thing has been ridiculous.  Not my response, I mean.  The BPD torture.

Coincidentally, I read your description of her bad acid trip and behaviors on another site, last night.  It wasn't a BPD site and it may have been a post from months ago and I just happened on it last night ... . and the rest of your story wasn't there then, to clue me in now.  So here's what happened ... . my first post on this site (aside from an introduction) was last night in this thread, so I checked in here again just now and started reading your story.  I was open and relating strongly to it ... . and my own emotions and experiences with my ex were stirring around and correlating to yours ... . and then I reached the acid part, where the words where familiar to me from reading the other site last night ... . so for a few intense moments, as it all accumulated and without realizing why some of these same sentences where identical in my head to whatever, I began to feel like I was having déjà vu or a flashback.  I just had an intimate moment with your story.  I was relating it to my own and it became TOO familiar!  That was messed up.  I had to stop and compose myself.  Thoroughly.  Ironically, this happened because I was researching the effects of LSD on BPD last night.  I must have fallen through a portal.

I'm just glad Pink Floyd has nothing to do with Triangulation.

"There is no dark side of the moon actually.  Matter of fact it's all dark."

Okay my response has been ridiculous.

[christoff522]

Blimblam, I'm just gonna say this, the characteristics of your pwBPD, almost completely match the characteristics of my pwBPD, right down to the use of snapchat. For a few moments reading your most recent posts, I wondered if it was the same person.

[notmeyou]

^ I thought the same thing a couple times while reading the story.  I had to think and put events together to dispel it, even though mine only had a few tattoos and her dad is dead.  I wouldn't be surprised to find out another of her victims, who I thought were just guys on the side who she knew, made it onto this forum.

Also, yes they do get more narcissistic when they incorporate the concept of self love into their framework.  It becomes another tool to elevate themselves above others and shame them.  Mine got into it too.  That's hard because when you see them investigating self care, it's promising because you've been so concerned about them.  Then the irony sinks in that even something as innocent and deserved as self love is wielded to make you feel like ___ and is, in no way, beyond the reach of this illness.

[Blimblam]

THANKS FOR THE RESPONCES.  And I was afraid to post too much of my story because of fear other people that know her would find this.  Because its like theres something about mary.  All her past guys still love her or the douches just want to use her for sex. 

The fact remains they all want another shot and they probably search the net for how to go about it the right way.  I mean I still even want another shot.

Durring the relationship with her until things got "too serious" it was drama free.  seriously it was the best experience of my life.  There was no drama they way people describe on here.  Because she externalized all the drama onto other people in her triangles.

[Blimblam]

Also, yes they do get more narcissistic when they incorporate the concept of self love into their framework.  It becomes another tool to elevate themselves above others and shame them.  Mine got into it too.  That's hard because when you see them investigating self care, it's promising because you've been so concerned about them.  Then the irony sinks in that even something as innocent and deserved as self love is wielded to make you feel like ___ and is, in no way, beyond the reach of this illness.

Yes, Its like its used to gas light you as to the source of the negative energy. Thinking its you because you are acting crazy and needy.  Because we are stuck being so negative while they have let go of negativity and are just trying to stay positive.  I think the constant validation through their phone helps them stay positive.