Letter From His Daughter

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A little about my background, I am on month 3 of LC with my uBPDexbf.  We were together 8 years and have a three year old son together.  He has not taken the breakup well and harasses me every day with texts and emails begging me to come back to him.  He was initially threatening suicide but has not done that in the past month or so.  I do not respond unless it involves our son and have made it clear any future messages about suicide will be reported to the police.  His behavior is getting more intense and I believe he is entering into an extinction burst.  Yesterday when I met him to pick-up my son, he kept trying to corner me and talk.  I was polite and refused, letting him know we were in a hurry to go see a movie and that the behavior was not ok in front of our son.  He then shoved a letter into my hand and pleaded with me to read it, telling me it would break my heart.  I declined and he became extremely agitated and intense, begging me over and over again to read it.  My three year old son saw this.  He has never seen us fight before and got very scared and started crying.  I finally took the letter so that my son would calm down.  I then got into the car and left without any further communication with my ex.  I put the letter away until this morning when I felt like I had a clear head to read it.  It was a letter from his oldest daughter (age 15) to him.  She wrote to him about the pain she sees in his life, the failed relationships and how much she loves him.  She has a very pure heart and encouraged him to pray about the life he wants and take steps to get there.  Apparently (based on the emails I have already gotten today) he talked to his daughter last night and she was very upset about he and I not being together.  My question is how should I handle this?  I need to return the letter to him and am thinking the best option is to mail it back to him to avoid meeting in person.  I also think that I should restate my boundaries and not comment on the rest of it.  Am I on the right track?  What about his daughter?  I was a huge part of her life for 8 years and love her like a daughter.  This disorder is so sad and unfair.  It effects so many people.

[razemarie]

A little about my background, I am on month 3 of LC with my uBPDexbf.  We were together 8 years and have a three year old son together.  He has not taken the breakup well and harasses me every day with texts and emails begging me to come back to him.  He was initially threatening suicide but has not done that in the past month or so.  I do not respond unless it involves our son and have made it clear any future messages about suicide will be reported to the police.  His behavior is getting more intense and I believe he is entering into an extinction burst.  Yesterday when I met him to pick-up my son, he kept trying to corner me and talk.  I was polite and refused, letting him know we were in a hurry to go see a movie and that the behavior was not ok in front of our son.  He then shoved a letter into my hand and pleaded with me to read it, telling me it would break my heart.  I declined and he became extremely agitated and intense, begging me over and over again to read it.  My three year old son saw this.  He has never seen us fight before and got very scared and started crying.  I finally took the letter so that my son would calm down.  I then got into the car and left without any further communication with my ex.  I put the letter away until this morning when I felt like I had a clear head to read it.  It was a letter from his oldest daughter (age 15) to him.  She wrote to him about the pain she sees in his life, the failed relationships and how much she loves him.  She has a very pure heart and encouraged him to pray about the life he wants and take steps to get there.  Apparently (based on the emails I have already gotten today) he talked to his daughter last night and she was very upset about he and I not being together.  My question is how should I handle this?  I need to return the letter to him and am thinking the best option is to mail it back to him to avoid meeting in person.  I also think that I should restate my boundaries and not comment on the rest of it.  Am I on the right track?  What about his daughter?  I was a huge part of her life for 8 years and love her like a daughter.  This disorder is so sad and unfair.  It effects so many people.

[InSearchofMe]

I think you are on the right with your approach to handling this.  Although his daughter may be upset about the 2 of you no longer being together, do not allow him to use this to guilt you into softening your boundaries.

When things were the most stained between us, my BPDh would use this tactic.  Often times, I was of the opinion that things BPDh would say one of my stepsons said were in fact things he made up. Whenever his statement ended with 'but I talked to him about it so you do not need to ask him about it.' was a  that made me question the truthfulness of the statement.

Send the letter back, restate your boundaries, and not commenting on the daughter is a good plan of action.

[Mutt]

The letter was addressed to him from his daughter right? I wouldn't give a response. How is your r/s with your SD. What is your line of communication with her? Go to the source. There is no reason to be the middleman. It is sad I agree, black and white thinking is so damaging to a family. He has to get help for himself, neither you or his daughter can do that for him.

[razemarie]

Her and I stay connected via email and texts.  I try my best to reassure her that I love and care for her just as much as I always have.  But I know this is hurting her too.  You are right, I should reach out directly to her and not involve my ex. 

[Mutt]

But I know this is hurting her too.

Validate what she feels.

It's difficult to observe someone that you have a long history with and care deeply about act out like this. It's tough razemarie and you are doing good, you're strong. An extinction burst is not in your control and it's something that he has to go through.

I've heard members describe the severity differently. I've witnessed my ex go through the intense behaviors, acts of desperation. She mostly did it through phone calls and email bombs. It eventually died down, it will pass.

You are creating a boundary by not giving into his attempts to get a 3rd party involved. He is like a young child not understanding boundaries and flailing against them. He is emotionally immature.

Keep up boundaries of steel no matter what. You're on the right track, keep it up  

[razemarie]

Thanks MUTT.  I appreciate all of your support and feedback through this journey.

[Mutt]

Thanks MUTT.  I appreciate all of your support and feedback through this journey.

You're welcome razemarie and I'm glad to be of help. You are stronger than you think, keep at it 

[razemarie]

I don't want to rock the boat, but it's been two days since I have received a text or email.  This is by far the longest he has gone without contacting me.  I'm hoping that things are finally dying down and that he is in a better place mentally.  Just wanted to give a positive update for a change.