Got restraining order after fight. What's next in BPD LAND thinking?

[wishfulthinking]

BPD/NPDh and I got into fight. He broke another promise, made excuses, and told me I can't hold it against him. I said I was disappointed. That he promised to go to church with me (after he made me promise to start going, which I did... .alone), but when I went to wake him up he refused so it mustn't have been important enough to him. He then berated on how great he is and how he didn't do anything wrong. I said fine and went to walk away. He grabbed me multiple times and was forcing me to stay there so he could tell at me. He refused to let me leave. Locked me in and took my keys. I went to fold laundry and ignore him and he came back in to tell me how I'm wrong for ignoring him when he's done nothing wrong. He's yelling all this at me. I tell him not to yell at me. I won't listen if he's yelling. He grabs my face and gets in my face to yell at me. I tell him let go and get out of my face and to leave because he has no right to touch me like that. He won't go so I said I will leave my own house then. I grab my bag and I'm getting my things and he takes the bag and throws it at the window. Grabs me by the hair on back of my head and throws me by it into the bed. He holds me down and I'm screaming and crying. He gets up. He knows he's crossed a line, you can see it and he starts trying to talk around it. I told him get out or I'm calling the police. He grabbed me, bruised my arm, but I got free. He gave me my keys and I went to the sheriffs office for the order. 3 hours later they are trying to serve him and he won't answer the door. I told them he is in there so the call the local police and I give permission for them to enter. They haul him out in cuffs and I have to show then all the texts he sent that I never replied to. I told them I didn't want him arrested just out. He'd been drinking so they took him somewhere and said he'd be at his moms. I said ok. I've not contacted him. He's not contacted me. Help me stay NC. What should I expect?

[LoveNotWar]

Wishful,

What you describe is definitely abusive and very traumatizing! I am so sorry this happened to you. You might want to call a local Domestic Violence agency and just talk about this. 

My ex was arrested and charged with a felony for DV. His reaction was to deny any responsibility. He blamed me and he totally played the victim. But after properly chastising me he said he would "take me back" if I had learned my lesson. And believe it or not, it was HARD to break away from him. I drew strength from my closest friend and kept thinking about how my family would feel if he killed me.

I am so grateful for attorneys and mediators. I broke contact with him and communicated through the professionals. So I believe, especially in the early stage, NC is a good idea. Once you've had some distance you gain perspective and realize how crazy making all of this is.

DV escalates as time goes on. I'm not a psychologist but I think if they are violent and get away with it they take it a step further next time. At least that's how it seemed to me.

Be strong and do what's best for YOU! 

[Turkish]

I'll echo LNW's suggestion to reach out and call a local hot line.  They can lead you in the next steps of what you need to do to protect yourself, and protect yourself you must. Thankfully you are safe for now. Do you have family or friends you can reach out to for support? Someone to stay with you (or the other way around) to stay safe for when he gets out?

You might also want to post to the legal board here for advice on what to expect.

Turkish

[wishfulthinking]

I will call the hotline on my lunch today if I can.  He was out last night and they told me he planned to stay at his mom's.  I see where I wasn't clear on him being arrested.  They took him because he had been drinking, they told me they weren't arresting him, so I was confused why they put him in the car, but came in and told me he planned to go to his mom's.  I'm honestly not sure what happened.  I know he hasn't contacted me at all, nor I him.  I'm feeling very guilty today, though.  I hate that I know he is hurting and I am hurting, too.  I just can't take any more and yes, the violence has escalated.  It hasn't happened since November in a bad way until yesterday, but he'd never grabbed my hair and done that before.  That could have turned into an extremely bad situation.  He needs help.  I can't fix him.  I'm having a hard day

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a bad day today wishfulthinking  Yesterday was a difficult one no doubt and you are likely feeling the after effects from it today. Unfortunately technology isn't always perfect and sometimes we need to call someone for emotional support and give us advice.

[livednlearned]

I'm feeling very guilty today, though. 

This is really common with DV victims. Abusers use abuse to hurt us, and we use guilt to hurt ourselves. It's hard to tell which does more harm -- their abuse or our guilt.

There's a really good book called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Lundy Bancroft is the author, and he wrote the book after working with all kinds of abusers for 20+ years. It helped me deal with my feelings of guilt.

Where do you think the feelings of guilt are coming from? Do you have someone you can talk to when the guilt surfaces and makes you feel compelled to do something to appease it?

[wishfulthinking]

Livednlearned,  My best friend I talk to, but she doesn't understand the depths of how I feel.  She is just happy I got him out, but understands that I am sad, too.  I'll try to see if I can get that book.  I'm not sure where the guilt is from.  Sadness that I'm hurting him, partly.  Sadness that he has run off his friends and most of his family and I am done, too, leaving him with pretty much noone.  I feel guilty that in his mind, he loves me with the ultimate passion and he can see no alternative at this moment.  Guilt that I love him, too... .Just so much emotion today, you know.

[Turkish]

Livednlearned,  My best friend I talk to, but she doesn't understand the depths of how I feel.  She is just happy I got him out, but understands that I am sad, too.  I'll try to see if I can get that book.  I'm not sure where the guilt is from.  Sadness that I'm hurting him, partly.  Sadness that he has run off his friends and most of his family and I am done, too, leaving him with pretty much noone.  I feel guilty that in his mind, he loves me with the ultimate passion and he can see no alternative at this moment.  Guilt that I love him, too... .Just so much emotion today, you know.

My uBPDx only smacked me once (which is funny in that if I had done that, it was one of her "deal breakers". My back was turned, and she dissociated when I confronted her on it, denying that she had just done it.

I didn't feel I deserved it at the moment, yet soon after did feel guilty and then acquiesced to do what she wanted me to do, the thing she was mad at me for not doing. I don't know where that comes from either... .

I'm glad you are safe and reaching out, wishfulthinking!

Turkish