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Author Topic: Would they want to hear from us?  (Read 4590 times)
Eric1
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« on: July 07, 2014, 11:26:12 AM »

If theres been a long stage of NC, and we broke it, Would they want to hear from us?
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2014, 12:52:07 PM »

If theres been a long stage of NC, and we broke it, Would they want to hear from us?

Hello Eric1.  There is no road map, unfortunately.  There are a wide range of experiences here.   The times I have broken NC, I have received no response, which has served only to teach me that the only answers are within me.

What are you feeling right now?
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Eric1
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« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2014, 02:01:57 PM »

1. I don't want to be forgotten

2. I miss talking to her
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Changingman
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« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2014, 03:35:29 PM »

1. I don't want to be forgotten

2. I miss talking to her

Call her, see what happens.

Perhaps you could be her non sexual boyfriend, lend her a shoulder to cry on, or money (she could use it to buy new underwear for her new BF/GF/obsession), Hey she could sabotage your chances of a healthy relationship by flirting in front of your new fledgling romance, she could b___ you off and make you look weak behind your back. You could wait in line hoping she may throw you a crumb in the far future.

I've seen the xBFs of these people who hang around, it is humiliating, they are single, slightly depressed, leading part time lives, still getting sucked into the BPD black hole. You could sit at a bar with her new boyfriend, while he looks at you with odd suspicion and she flirts with you to provoke him. Perhaps you could sit with other xBFs and have uncomfortable conversations, , then one of them takes her home. Then you could carry on drinking with the other orbiting xBFs amazed that she was with any of them, except you of course. Those guy are arses.!

Still it will be worth it because you won't be 'forgotten', or the late night 'talks' when she needs some validation because her new boyfriend is abusive, or she is drunk, or he is working hard to buy her ribbons and bows.

I've not been one of these, but I have sat there thinking 'this is weird'.

But maybe that's what you are worth, maybe that's what you want, that's your call.

God I hope there is 'them' and 'us'

If not I'll work harder to be me and not them.

I think there is 'them', there is on the DSM? Isn't there? Perhaps I dreamt the crazy, ah! I wake up and it was just a nightmare, we are at the beginning of our relationship and she is soo happy if a little drunk, then we ... .**********************

Good luck with all that.

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learnandgrow
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« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2014, 04:00:28 PM »

Eric1, Changingman is 100% right. He just told you the cold hard truth. She has a new love obsession, and you're not him. I'm struggling with the same thing. I know my ex is spending days at a time at the new guys place. I know she's hooking him right now. I know she's probably talking poorly about me and how I was the terrible boyfriend and he will be the best, and how excited and thrilled she is. She's doing all of the things with him that she used to do with me in a matter of 1 to 2 weeks. It's a hard pill to swallow... .but these aren't healthy people.

You have some dignity. Keep it. She doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't need you. She has another victim catering to her 24/7 attention and validation needs right now. If she does reach out, it's because she needs more and he's not there at that very moment. You're a pawn in her game, just like the new guy. She'll play the two of you against each other... .mine already tried it with me. The way you feel, your wants, and your needs don't matter now. Hell, did they even matter when you were in the relationship with her? As I look back, mine didn't. I was called a sex addict for wanting more of the physical connection that I used to have.

Just know the new guy is in for the same thing. You can do so much better. You deserve more than to be emotionally manipulated and abused. You deserve someone that loves you and wants your attention in a HEALTHY way. Someone that won't lie to your face without remorse. Someone that respects you. They are out there... .you just need to heal.
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2014, 04:01:22 PM »

1. I don't want to be forgotten

2. I miss talking to her

Eric1,

I acknowledge both points.  This is the hard work of abandonment recovery.  Many of us, including me, have internalized the pain.   "Forgotten" is something manufactured by our minds, and it taunts us.   We want to know how something that once seemed so perfect seemed to vanish (and we wonder what it says about us).

You are not alone here.  Have you read The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life ?

It is worth reading.  One of the stages is:

3: INTERNALIZING – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

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bewildered2
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2 months good stuff, then it was all downhill


« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2014, 04:18:50 PM »

changingman is spot on.

i want to add something. you are not forgotten. she remembers you. and she remembers how she treated you, and what she got away with. and if she can use you again to make herself feel good, she will, if she needs to.

my BPDgf carried on stringing her ex-bf along the whole time she was seeing me (and others too). she admitted sleeping with him... .and her excuse was that he'd come over for a chat and would start crying and so she slept with him because she felt sorry for him. in fact, she said that she'd sleep with him because she wanted the sex, but that when the sex was over she'd make him sleep in the spare bedroom.

she told me that the poor guy tracked down another guy she'd been stringing along for two years (and sleeping with) while she was with her bf... .they met in a bar... .and the bf confronted the other guy... .the bf later told her that he thought she could do better. the funny thing is that she was with me the night the confrontation took placve between the other two guys. and she had 25 text messages and fifteen missed calls from him that night that she'd been wiht me, the "new" bf.

moral of the story... .they are bad news and are incapable of decent behaviour... .they have no real empathy and  contact with them, however small, will lead to more pain.

she'd like to hear from you but only if she needed you... .and only because she wasn't getting her needs met by someone else at the time.

that is the nature of the beast.

my advice is to take your medicine and remain no contact. with time you will feel better. she won't. trust me on that.

hang in there buddy and stay strong. we're all here to help and we've been through it.

b2

   
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« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2014, 04:39:19 PM »

1. I don't want to be forgotten

2. I miss talking to her

I know this! This is me!

And the response is... .do nothing.

Borderlines feeds off of their exes being on the hook.

My ex, when I broke NC, always said, "You called me." It validated her behavior and gave her carte blanche to treat me just as bad.

My ex has a new BF. A PhD. She thinks she is living the good life right now. But he has a resume of abusing weak women with drinking problems. he discards them when he is bored. If I called her right now, I would be calling a woman who lied to me about cheating on me as well as someone who thinks her enabler is her savior. She would treat me like garbage.

Do not call. Do not go where she goes. Stay away. When she contacts you---and she will---your best move is to IGNORE her.

I know what you are going thru. I am going thru it right now. Stay strong and stay away.
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2014, 04:41:25 PM »

1. I don't want to be forgotten

2. I miss talking to her

I understand how you are feeling. I have felt the very same so many times in the past. So many of us have. I am sorry for your pain Eric1.  Keep reading here and read as much as you can. The straight forward answers and insights of the other members are so very helpful. Sometimes when I felt just as you are, I would come here and read and read. It helped. You are not forgotten. This is a disorder. You have to remember this every time you have questions. Then read up on why this is happening and how the disorder processes things. And you have not been replaced. None of us could ever be replaced. The new person is a substitute in the cycle of never ending one sided need. This is a pattern. Have empathy or perhaps have relief that it's not you. Every time I felt just as you do, so wanting to just talk to him, he was never the same when I contacted him as what I hoped for and remembered him to be. Sometimes he tested me to see how much I'd give in a recycle supply for the future. He would be warm and I would think " thank goodness. He's back"  The very next day he would be colder than cold. It made is so much more confusing and heart aching. I just wanted so much for the person I knew to be back. It's so difficult to understand and I don't think I will ever fully understand it all. But I read the vast amount of posts here where so many of us say and feel exactly the same.  And I learned from them all. And I built my strength back up to stay NC from that. Keep reading and posting. We all know how you feel. You are the only one who can choose what is right for you but know the support is here amongst those that have gone through the same.
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Eric1
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« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2014, 05:43:21 PM »

Thanks for all the replies.

Changingman - That's exactly what I need to hear.

I got bogged down with thoughts of her & putting her up on the pedestal. I know she's not worth it & I'm worth more. It's just an uphill battle getting my heart to catch up with my head.
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learnandgrow
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« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2014, 06:29:16 PM »

Best way to do that is a) Go true no contact. That means she has no way of contacting you, you can't even determine if she tried, and you don't peak on her stuff and b) See a therapist that understands where you are coming from.

Great places to start. Doing this has, at the least, gotten the sick feeling out of the pit of my stomach. The FOG has slowly started to lift.

Thanks for all the replies.

Changingman - That's exactly what I need to hear.

I got bogged down with thoughts of her & putting her up on the pedestal. I know she's not worth it & I'm worth more. It's just an uphill battle getting my heart to catch up with my head.

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Changingman
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« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2014, 08:55:16 PM »

Good luck,

Hang in there.

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« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2014, 12:10:05 AM »

Hey, Eric - changingman nailed it.  Just as an example,  one time in the past, I took his call after two months,  but I was strong.

.

Conversation:  "I am with _______ and we are IN LOVE." I said, good for you. "She loves me and I love her." That's nice.  Happy for you. "Can I ask, are you seeing anyone?" No, I don't need anyone. I am fine by myself. "Oh... ." Disappointment and hung up.

Reality: I'm not with anyone either, but you didn't get jealous and take the bait.  Going to hang up and pout now.

Mine always texts on the weekend now with some crap. Reality: I am so trying to p#@* you off and ruin your weekend. You aren't trying to contact me. Why?

Yup, you just need to leave it right there, buddy. Karma is amazing. ... .

You want to relate to them as we do to each other,  but you can't. Everything is a game, and whether they can "one up" you. Need to leave them in their mess of lies.
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Eric1
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« Reply #13 on: July 09, 2014, 01:31:15 PM »

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #14 on: July 09, 2014, 01:49:08 PM »

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.

Eric1 --  this is the moment-to-moment war we wage against ourselves.  On my birthday, it hurt that my ex-girlfriend did not write, and I posted here.  That said, it was a storm that passed.   If you can "hold" your emotions, examine them with curiousity, and give yourself license to grieve, you will go "through" the storm.

I really do recommend the book I noted above.  The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

It's worth reading because it gives us a vocabulary for our pain.

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« Reply #15 on: July 09, 2014, 02:40:57 PM »

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.

Im sorry for your pain and like almost all here, I understand.  These were hard moments for me as well. My birthday. It was a rather significant one as his was the year before. Even though I was in the throws of being split at the time ( had no idea about BPD back then) my integrity would not allow me to ignore his special day.  I sent a very warm message that in itself, felt like something I would cherish as a lasting gift. It was a very personal message, more like a short story on some of the beauty we experienced together.   I felt that regardless of a potential future together or not, I wouldn't want to ever look back and say I hurt someone on their birthday.  Someone I loved.  Fast forward to my birthday.  Ignored. I had expected a simple text. Perhaps an email.  In fact,  mere acquaintances provided more kindness to me on that day.  The holiday season.  Nothing.  Holidays mean the world to me. He knew that because during the mirroring he went to great lengths to show me they meant the world to him too.  Nothing.  No holiday greeting in any way.  Hurt my heart, very, very much.   Please don't expect your special day to be acknowledged.  Its so hurtful when we expect this d/o to take a back seat to logical thinking.  You need to remember you are special and surround yourself with others who will make your day full of goodness.  Reading and posting here helps so much. I hope you continue to heal as I hope for all of us on this journey to better and stronger futures.
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mywifecrazy
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Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #16 on: July 09, 2014, 03:23:51 PM »

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.

Hey Eric, hang in there and MAINTAIN NO CONTACT. I know all about the hurts and pains too. How you want to hear from them on the SPECIAL DAYS. But guess what? your birthday, my 18yr wedding anniversary, etc, etc IT DOESN'T MEAN $hit to them! YOU and I don't mean $hit to them! We are nothing more than pawns to be used by them to soothe themselves. It's the nature of the beast. I'm sorry if it comes across as being harsh but it's a hard lesson to learn but it's very critical for you if you're going to get healthy. REMAIN IN NO CONTACT... .It's the only road that will lead you out of the FOG. All other roads paved with you contacting her will,lead you back into the FOG and to your downfall!

You want to know something else Eric? If you get away from her through maintaining NC and clear your head. There will be a time in the not to distant future that your X will be the LAST person you want to hear from on those special days... .and it will feel GOOD.

GOOD LUCK BUDDY... .Sincerely MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
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« Reply #17 on: July 09, 2014, 03:50:30 PM »

this thread is helping me so much right now... .

It can be so much to process sometimes.  All these feelings it is overwhelming.  You are left to process all the emotions dumped on you by her and your family growing up other people that were close to you that caused you to feel guilty, ashamed, and fear.  It is a heavy burden to bear. 

The sad truth is that person you would want to hear from you doesn't exist anymore.  It is more about you wanting to hear from them that you meant something. that it was real.

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learnandgrow
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« Reply #18 on: July 09, 2014, 04:12:33 PM »

I want you to think of this... .did special occasions really mean anything to her when you were together? As I look back, there were occasions I thought were special and she didn't care as much about and made it clear and I kind of let it slide. Be honest with yourself; if it was Christmas or any other holiday I'm willing to bet you put in more effort than she did. Now ask yourself, is that still what you want?

The best thing to do is physically block all forms of contact. I have no idea if my ex has even tried to contact me because I did this. There is no way of knowing.

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.

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« Reply #19 on: July 09, 2014, 04:20:12 PM »

Good points made on this thread - one simple thing that really helped me... .

It is OK to miss someone, so - miss her until you are done... .but ACTING in response to that emotion rather than your best interest, heck, that just leads to keeping that emotion around a lot longer.

We cannot help missing someone we loved - dysfunctional or not - but we can have control on our own actions.



This book is a very good road map to our emotions during the grief process we seem to experience at the end of this relationship.  ALL phases are really accurate and even though it doesn't "fix" it - knowing we are not unique in our emotional experience is comforting.

Peace,

SB
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #20 on: July 09, 2014, 04:22:39 PM »

I want you to think of this... .did special occasions really mean anything to her when you were together? As I look back, there were occasions I thought were special and she didn't care as much about and made it clear and I kind of let it slide. Be honest with yourself; if it was Christmas or any other holiday I'm willing to bet you put in more effort than she did. Now ask yourself, is that still what you want?

The best thing to do is physically block all forms of contact. I have no idea if my ex has even tried to contact me because I did this. There is no way of knowing.

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.


Blim and Learnandgrow and MWC,

I want to thank you for your insight.  It helps me as well to read this.  You know, you are all correct.  Everything you say unfortunately rings true. For me, looking back. I absolutely put in more effort on the special occasions. When I think of the very thoughtful things I did, happily, because thats my nature. I spend one holiday season with him because I felt badly he was alone. During idealization.  All the sweet things I did, happily.  His birthdays.  He said he would never forget them.  Guess what? He did. Stay strong and NC Eric1. You can do it!
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« Reply #21 on: July 09, 2014, 04:29:05 PM »

In my case I couldn't "give up" so easily with my ex.

I did contact her again at first the day of her birthday. There were 2-3 phone calls during the following week which were calm and good. I was thinking there might be a chance to get back together.

Nope. The 4th and 5th call were hurtful. I was reminded of all the wrong things I had done during our r/s. That was when I expressed my anger and said all the things I had kept inside and didn't want to hear telling me indirectly that she didn't want to try again. I was done after that conversation. I understood that I was myself a trigger for her.

Of course the next day she changed her mind sending me a very emotional youtube video. But I was so much devastated that I couldn't answer it.
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learnandgrow
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« Reply #22 on: July 09, 2014, 04:45:33 PM »

I was the only reason she saw her family on Christmas. I took her around my family for Thanksgiving when she wasn't celebrating with anyone. I drove her, and paid, for part of her Mother's birthday dinner. This is just to name a few things. All forgotten... .all unappreciated.

My reward? My birthday was an afterthought. She made an effort about 2 weeks later. My intelligence was insulted in front of her family on other occasions. On days I needed her, I was criticized and left by myself.

It's always about them. Just look at it.

I want you to think of this... .did special occasions really mean anything to her when you were together? As I look back, there were occasions I thought were special and she didn't care as much about and made it clear and I kind of let it slide. Be honest with yourself; if it was Christmas or any other holiday I'm willing to bet you put in more effort than she did. Now ask yourself, is that still what you want?

The best thing to do is physically block all forms of contact. I have no idea if my ex has even tried to contact me because I did this. There is no way of knowing.

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.


Blim and Learnandgrow and MWC,

I want to thank you for your insight.  It helps me as well to read this.  You know, you are all correct.  Everything you say unfortunately rings true. For me, looking back. I absolutely put in more effort on the special occasions. When I think of the very thoughtful things I did, happily, because thats my nature. I spend one holiday season with him because I felt badly he was alone. During idealization.  All the sweet things I did, happily.  His birthdays.  He said he would never forget them.  Guess what? He did. Stay strong and NC Eric1. You can do it!

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Eric1
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« Reply #23 on: July 11, 2014, 12:14:16 PM »

Still maintaining NC. I went on a date on Monday which went well , we had a good laugh & I think she's really keen on me. We're going out tomorrow for drinks, so fingers crossed.

I'm still thinking about my ex daily tho. I haven't heard a peep from her for a while now. She's gone back to my replacement and all must be going well. Which makes me think that she's not BPD... .
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« Reply #24 on: July 11, 2014, 12:34:10 PM »

Do you fear that you were wrong, that she is fine and you were the problem after all? Because things seem to be going well with your replacement?

I fear this too, but then I remember that things went amazingly between us for over 4 months, before the first red flag. It was 6 months before it started going properly wrong. And then she began referencing incidents during this time, and it was clear she had simply learned to control herself until I was fully hooked. Even after that, she managed to keep up appearances in public. So things may be going well, or may not, but even if they are - this means nothing.
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Eric1
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« Reply #25 on: July 11, 2014, 12:44:33 PM »

Well, she broke up with him twice, came back to me & has now gone back to him. In the past she's always reached out by now & tried contacting, but I've heard nothing.
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2 months good stuff, then it was all downhill


« Reply #26 on: July 12, 2014, 03:41:32 AM »

Well, she broke up with him twice, came back to me & has now gone back to him. In the past she's always reached out by now & tried contacting, but I've heard nothing.

Hey Eric, the ping pong behaviour you've just described is symptomatic of BPD. And now you're expecting and waiting for it to happen again, for her to turn up, after she breaks up with him again.

I hope you can remain strong and stay NC. The more time that goes by the easier it becomes. And one day you won't care. I mean it.

In my own experience, it took me about 9 months for this to happen. I kept expecting her to contact me but it didn't happen. Then, after about 8 or 9 months, I heard that my ex-BPDgf was seen on vacation with her "ex"-bf... .the guy she had supposedly left years ago.

My reaction?

I laughed.

Suddenly, the absurdity of it all just became so apparent. All her big talk that she would insult me with when we were together, that she was going to change her life in so many meaningful ways, how she didn't want a life with this guy, or with me, bla bla bla... .she was still with him, instead of the Mr Perfect she had been hunting for (while she was with me)... .

Since I had last seen her she had gone backwards. And I felt sorry for the poor guy she was with... .and there is no doubt that she is back to stringing him along while she cruises around looking for other generous but poor fools that she can use to soothe her never happy soul.

What I' saying is that she will use you if you let her. If you contact her then the games will begin again.

What you allow, will continue.

Stay strong, buddy, every day you stay away you get a step closer to life free of extreme mental illness and abuse.

Hang in there. We are your friends now. Not her. And we will help celebrate your birthday with you!

b2
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« Reply #27 on: July 12, 2014, 04:20:00 AM »

Eric1 and everyone, each time I initiated contact after some ST it was met with more ST. He just came back when he was ready. I learned not to reach out. I stayed NC. This time he replaced me as you prob all know, so that was it for me. And now he's appearing at my door and rang me last night. I didn't answer. NC. It's been the most devastating 4 months if my life. I think at this point if I rang him he would be happy to hear from me but in a week or so he would go ST again. And he would win this stupid game. At the moment he wants contact and I won't ( notice I didn't say I don't because I do really miss what we had) but I'm done now. I have nothing left to give him, it's all been given.
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« Reply #28 on: July 12, 2014, 04:48:27 AM »

At the moment he wants contact and I won't ( notice I didn't say I don't because I do really miss what we had) but I'm done now. I have nothing left to give him, it's all been given.

That's exactly how I feel. I would have nothing further to say to her. I gave her everything and discussions were dead end.
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« Reply #29 on: July 12, 2014, 10:06:10 AM »

Well, she broke up with him twice, came back to me & has now gone back to him. In the past she's always reached out by now & tried contacting, but I've heard nothing.

Hey Eric, the ping pong behaviour you've just described is symptomatic of BPD. And now you're expecting and waiting for it to happen again, for her to turn up, after she breaks up with him again.

I hope you can remain strong and stay NC. The more time that goes by the easier it becomes. And one day you won't care. I mean it.

In my own experience, it took me about 9 months for this to happen. I kept expecting her to contact me but it didn't happen. Then, after about 8 or 9 months, I heard that my ex-BPDgf was seen on vacation with her "ex"-bf... .the guy she had supposedly left years ago.

My reaction?

I laughed.

Suddenly, the absurdity of it all just became so apparent. All her big talk that she would insult me with when we were together, that she was going to change her life in so many meaningful ways, how she didn't want a life with this guy, or with me, bla bla bla... .she was still with him, instead of the Mr Perfect she had been hunting for (while she was with me)... .

Since I had last seen her she had gone backwards. And I felt sorry for the poor guy she was with... .and there is no doubt that she is back to stringing him along while she cruises around looking for other generous but poor fools that she can use to soothe her never happy soul.

What I' saying is that she will use you if you let her. If you contact her then the games will begin again.

What you allow, will continue.

Stay strong, buddy, every day you stay away you get a step closer to life free of extreme mental illness and abuse.

Hang in there. We are your friends now. Not her. And we will help celebrate your birthday with you!

b2

B2, This is exactly my experience and same scenario almost to a tee. Nothing changed for him. Nothing. He's with his ex that he complained about, that he said ruined his life, etc, etc. He, too, wanted to be free of so he could grow and become the man he was meant to always be. So much meaningful change was needed.

All the same stuff you posted, he did and is still doing. I actually find myself laughing now at much of it too. It's so not funny, that it is. And no longer our problem.

Your insight is spot on. And invaluable: What I' saying is that she will use you if you let her. If you contact her then the games will begin again.

What you allow, will continue.



Stay strong, buddy, every day you stay away you get a step closer to life free of extreme mental illness and abuse.


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« Reply #30 on: July 12, 2014, 12:08:53 PM »

1. I don't want to be forgotten

2. I miss talking to her

Call her, see what happens.

Perhaps you could be her non sexual boyfriend, lend her a shoulder to cry on, or money (she could use it to buy new underwear for her new BF/GF/obsession), Hey she could sabotage your chances of a healthy relationship by flirting in front of your new fledgling romance, she could b___ you off and make you look weak behind your back. You could wait in line hoping she may throw you a crumb in the far future.

I've seen the xBFs of these people who hang around, it is humiliating, they are single, slightly depressed, leading part time lives, still getting sucked into the BPD black hole. You could sit at a bar with her new boyfriend, while he looks at you with odd suspicion and she flirts with you to provoke him. Perhaps you could sit with other xBFs and have uncomfortable conversations, , then one of them takes her home. Then you could carry on drinking with the other orbiting xBFs amazed that she was with any of them, except you of course. Those guy are arses.!

Still it will be worth it because you won't be 'forgotten', or the late night 'talks' when she needs some validation because her new boyfriend is abusive, or she is drunk, or he is working hard to buy her ribbons and bows.

I've not been one of these, but I have sat there thinking 'this is weird'.

But maybe that's what you are worth, maybe that's what you want, that's your call.

God I hope there is 'them' and 'us'

If not I'll work harder to be me and not them.

I think there is 'them', there is on the DSM? Isn't there? Perhaps I dreamt the crazy, ah! I wake up and it was just a nightmare, we are at the beginning of our relationship and she is soo happy if a little drunk, then we ... .**********************

Good luck with all that.

This is perfect. Whether is sex or conversation on remembrance, all we're really looking for is some form of validation, and we're looking for it from people who care about nothing other than having their own needs met. True absurdity.
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« Reply #31 on: July 12, 2014, 12:23:30 PM »

Hello Eric1.  There is no road map, unfortunately.  There are a wide range of experiences here.   The times I have broken NC, I have received no response, which has served only to teach me that the only answers are within me.

This has been my experience too.  The only response I ever received was a text asking me to never contact her again.  No explanation.  No discussion.  The end.  This was after she had told me that she wanted us to remain friends and that I could call her if I wanted.  One of the very last things she ever said to me was "we'll talk soon".

No, I don't think they want to hear from us.  It's too complicated and too painful.  If they do want to hear from us, they will initiate contact.  Stories of us initiating contact and things going well are few and far between, unfortunately.
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« Reply #32 on: July 13, 2014, 06:01:43 AM »

Was out on my date and... .Had a missed call... .From the ex.

It was unlike her just to call the once, but she did.

Very surprised.
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« Reply #33 on: July 13, 2014, 06:10:19 AM »

Hello Eric1.  There is no road map, unfortunately.  There are a wide range of experiences here.   The times I have broken NC, I have received no response, which has served only to teach me that the only answers are within me.

No, I don't think they want to hear from us.  It's too complicated and too painful.  If they do want to hear from us, they will initiate contact.  Stories of us initiating contact and things going well are few and far between, unfortunately.

Well, my ex repeateadly broke NC every month since we parted last year and I see her act as breeching my boundaries. Nons do the same with their BPDexes and it is just as creepy.
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« Reply #34 on: July 13, 2014, 09:07:41 AM »

They don't *want* so much as feel the need when they're alone, between replacements, and desperate. Sometimes it's the same with non-disordered folk. They call because they're lonely. No one's entirely above that sort of petty selfishness.

As for us contacting them? Best avoided entirely.

I dropped things off at the hospital, asking *not* to see or be seen by her. Now that I think about it, I'm surprised folks actually took time out of their day to get it done. It actually kinda-sorta went against protocol. A small piece of the world shifted, just for me.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Anyway, I don't know about the rest of you, but it would just hurt too much to reconnect. Knowing the pain she was in, the struggle she will inevitably go through. But also knowing that she's found a replacement.

We did have meaningful moments, and there were many instances she showered me with gifts and moments of thoughtfulness. But there was abuse and extreme selfishness, extreme being the operative word.

Remember those PSA's about drugs? Well, our BPDexes ARE the drugs. What do we say? How every drug ad ended with that black screen and bold white letters. Just say "no." It's like that. Don't do it. Not worth it, move on.

Oh and Changingman described things pretty well. It's brutal, and it's... .very hard to swallow. But it's true.
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« Reply #35 on: July 13, 2014, 01:28:55 PM »

If they want to contact you, they will. Stalking raises the value of the narcissistic supply. We were all stalked in some way or other. Mine stalked me for 3 months, unknown to me. When she said it I assumed she was joking, but I realised she had found everything on the web about me and had been arriving at pubs and events hoping id be there.

The fantasy of longing is a huge pull for them.
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« Reply #36 on: July 13, 2014, 02:04:29 PM »

If they want to contact you, they will. Stalking raises the value of the narcissistic supply. We were all stalked in some way or other. Mine stalked me for 3 months, unknown to me. When she said it I assumed she was joking, but I realised she had found everything on the web about me and had been arriving at pubs and events hoping id be there.

The fantasy of longing is a huge pull for them.

It took me by surprise that she tried calling. I honestly thought I wouldn't hear from her again. I didn't awnser & I haven't tried calling back. She would usually constantly ring till I eventually picked up, so it was out of character just to call the once.
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« Reply #37 on: July 13, 2014, 02:15:26 PM »

Anyway, I don't know about the rest of you, but it would just hurt too much to reconnect. Knowing the pain she was in, the struggle she will inevitably go through. But also knowing that she's found a replacement.

I actually think part of difficulty is in knowing that the replacements are temporary, are not likely to last.  If I knew my ex were going to be happily married to the replacement I've recently seen in pictures for the next 40 years, I might be able to just forget all about it.  But I know she'll be lonely again and reach out, which gives me "hope," although I don't know for what since I know any reconnect could only end in disaster.  Even worse, I know that the inevitable decline of the current relationship will just lead her to someone else, someone who is not me. 

Ultimately, this is about me.  I don't really care about her or who she's with, except that it's not me. There is work to do. 
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« Reply #38 on: July 13, 2014, 02:24:37 PM »

Ultimately, this is about me.  I don't really care about her or who she's with, except that it's not me. There is work to do. 

There's work to do because you still believe someone else is getting a better deal than you did for all the work you put into it, but once you truly accept that no one is, or will, you'll be able to move on. You already logically know the trouble she is, the pain and hatered and heartbreak she is, and there's nothing that she provided that you won't find better elsewhere.

Just please remember there was never anything there, and no matter how it may look, you already know the truth. Take all the time you need, I think we feel that because they moved on so quick we have to as well, and that's not true. We're handling it the proper way, they are not and never will.
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Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #39 on: July 13, 2014, 03:24:31 PM »

Ultimately, this is about me.  I don't really care about her or who she's with, except that it's not me. There is work to do. 

There's work to do because you still believe someone else is getting a better deal than you did for all the work you put into it, but once you truly accept that no one is, or will, you'll be able to move on. You already logically know the trouble she is, the pain and hatered and heartbreak she is, and there's nothing that she provided that you won't find better elsewhere.

Just please remember there was never anything there, and no matter how it may look, you already know the truth. Take all the time you need, I think we feel that because they moved on so quick we have to as well, and that's not true. We're handling it the proper way, they are not and never will.

Exactly!

They moved on so quick because they are UNHEALTHY and their new r/s is unhealthy and if it's anything like my uBPDxw's new r/s it's built on a foundation of lies and deceit.

We were unhealthy in the relationship Too. We need to take our time and do the work that is necessary to get us through the valley of recovery and that will take us to the mountaintop of healing and health.

Can I get an AMEN?

Sincerely... .MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #40 on: July 13, 2014, 03:34:53 PM »

Ultimately, this is about me.  I don't really care about her or who she's with, except that it's not me. There is work to do. 

There's work to do because you still believe someone else is getting a better deal than you did for all the work you put into it, but once you truly accept that no one is, or will, you'll be able to move on. You already logically know the trouble she is, the pain and hatered and heartbreak she is, and there's nothing that she provided that you won't find better elsewhere.

Just please remember there was never anything there, and no matter how it may look, you already know the truth. Take all the time you need, I think we feel that because they moved on so quick we have to as well, and that's not true. We're handling it the proper way, they are not and never will.

Yes this is all very true. Also: I think that, should you remain in contact, you're made to feel like the fact the moving on is difficult for you makes you weak or immature.
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« Reply #41 on: July 13, 2014, 03:56:01 PM »

Yes this is all very true. Also: I think that, should you remain in contact, you're made to feel like the fact the moving on is difficult for you makes you weak or immature.

Bingo! They will always cut you down, and make you feel horrible, no matter what. mine would always say "you should be happy for me, it's life get over it."  Basically they don't want you to succeed, and they're never direct. You'll never hear what you want to hear, ever. Take all the advice here and just walk away. It's the hardest walk but it's all you can do.
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« Reply #42 on: July 13, 2014, 04:01:10 PM »

Ultimately, this is about me.  I don't really care about her or who she's with, except that it's not me. There is work to do. 

There's work to do because you still believe someone else is getting a better deal than you did for all the work you put into it, but once you truly accept that no one is, or will, you'll be able to move on. You already logically know the trouble she is, the pain and hatered and heartbreak she is, and there's nothing that she provided that you won't find better elsewhere.

Just please remember there was never anything there, and no matter how it may look, you already know the truth. Take all the time you need, I think we feel that because they moved on so quick we have to as well, and that's not true. We're handling it the proper way, they are not and never will.

Exactly!

They moved on so quick because they are UNHEALTHY and their new r/s is unhealthy and if it's anything like my uBPDxw's new r/s it's built on a foundation of lies and deceit.

We were unhealthy in the relationship Too. We need to take our time and do the work that is necessary to get us through the valley of recovery and that will take us to the mountaintop of healing and health.

Can I get an AMEN?

Sincerely... .MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)

Amen

It was happening years before you met them, it was happening every minute of every day before you met them and while you were with them and after they leave. It is there when they eat, when they sleep, when they cut bread, chew gum or rub their eye. It seeps into the underlay of the carpet in the house, their job, your job, it slowly ruins families and innocent beloved family animals, your shoes, your internal organs, the cables to your TV, your credit rating.

They live this everyday like a toxic Midas touch, they produce hatred and envy, enmity among their brothers and sisters, feel nothing meaningful. You have just live through this chaos, time to heal now.

What a mess. Complete breakdown of everything you are and have.


But they loved you.  Ha ha ha ha





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« Reply #43 on: July 13, 2014, 04:29:58 PM »

You'll never hear what you want to hear, ever. Take all the advice here and just walk away. It's the hardest walk but it's all you can do.

How true. Mine recently texted to say " I miss my bed friend" and the. "We were very close friends and I value and love your friendship." When I pointed out that we were far more than just friends, because that way of speaking about is is just infuriating, she says "I can navigate those other feelings and be at peace that it wasn't meant to be." "Those other feelings" is the closest I'll ever get to acknowledgment that she used to say she loved more than air, more

than she knew it was possible to love another human, over and over for two years. That should talked about marriage and kids blah blah blah.

Of course, she's partly right. It wasn't meant to be. If anyone should be at peace with that, it's me.
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« Reply #44 on: July 13, 2014, 06:53:22 PM »

Write a list column eveything that was good about her then next to it write another column of everything bad about her. I'll bet there twice as many in the bad column. There was for me.
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« Reply #45 on: July 13, 2014, 07:00:58 PM »

But they loved you.  Ha ha ha ha

That just made me think of George Carlin.
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« Reply #46 on: July 13, 2014, 07:52:14 PM »

People with BPD have object constancy issues which means out of sight, out of mind.  My ex was low functioning so I can assume that she no longer thinks about me which is good.  I don't want her to.  The person I was in love with didn't exist.   It was an illusion.  When you  reach the point where you  have detached,  you won't miss her anymore.   The chaos, the lying,  the cheating.   You will  be free to find someone who is worthy of your love.  And it will happen and the nightmare you lived in will be in the past.  NC is just a tool to help you detach.
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« Reply #47 on: July 13, 2014, 08:56:48 PM »

People with BPD have object constancy issues which means out of sight, out of mind.  My ex was low functioning so I can assume that she no longer thinks about me which is good.  I don't want her to.  The person I was in love with didn't exist.   It was an illusion.  When you  reach the point where you  have detached,  you won't miss her anymore.   The chaos, the lying,  the cheating.   You will  be free to find someone who is worthy of your love.  And it will happen and the nightmare you lived in will be in the past.  NC is just a tool to help you detach.

I don't think it was all  an illusion but it was more just fleeting.  The illusion was our own projection just as much as they projected onto us. 
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« Reply #48 on: July 13, 2014, 09:32:15 PM »

The last time she split with me, she called me after a month. Said her life was crap wirhout me. 

She had moved the another town and wanted me to sell my house and move there. If I did she would buy me a antique store. Heck she has no money. Just crazy!
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« Reply #49 on: July 13, 2014, 10:53:53 PM »

I'm not sure about the object permanence concept. I've heard it mentioned a few times but in my situation it seemed to be the opposite. My exBPD travelled interstate for a few months and his contact became so much more frequent. Several phonecalls and messages a day. He begged me to go to him which I did after only a fortnight of him being away. He said " I knew I loved you but didn't realise how much until I was away from you"

When he was home I heard from him most days but never so frequent.

Also if "out of sight out of mind" was a fact they would not attempt to recycle, they would have forgotten and moved on.
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2 months good stuff, then it was all downhill


« Reply #50 on: July 14, 2014, 05:07:41 AM »

Was out on my date and... .Had a missed call... .From the ex.

It was unlike her just to call the once, but she did.

Very surprised.

Just another game, my friend.

She wants you to be thinking of her... .and you never know... .she may be keeping tabs on you and therefore knew you were out with someone new.

It happened to me. My BPDgf dumped me one night at a bar... .she went off with a group of her friends and told me I was not invited... .can you believe it... .and I didn't hear from her again for several months... .until the night I was out with another girl and must have been spotted by her or one of her friends who told her about it. When I got home later then night there was a long email of explanation waiting for me.

This, my friend, is what we used to call a "charm", but it is now called a "recycle" attempt.

She calls you, gets you thinking about her, wondering what's going on. And if you call she'll say it was a misdial, if she picks up. It will all be whatever suits her at the time. Keep you guessing, interfere with your moving on process, anything to make her feel a little better at your expense.

Stay strong. Don't take her bait!

b2
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« Reply #51 on: July 14, 2014, 05:54:26 AM »

I'm not sure about the object permanence concept. I've heard it mentioned a few times but in my situation it seemed to be the opposite. My exBPD travelled interstate for a few months and his contact became so much more frequent. Several phonecalls and messages a day. He begged me to go to him which I did after only a fortnight of him being away. He said " I knew I loved you but didn't realise how much until I was away from you"

This isn't a contradiction: if he knew you were there for him, he wouldn't need to reach out for you so much.  The more frequent contact is a way of continuously "peeking" to make sure you're still there. 
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« Reply #52 on: July 14, 2014, 07:25:57 AM »

I'm not sure about the object permanence concept. I've heard it mentioned a few times but in my situation it seemed to be the opposite. My exBPD travelled interstate for a few months and his contact became so much more frequent. Several phonecalls and messages a day. He begged me to go to him which I did after only a fortnight of him being away. He said " I knew I loved you but didn't realise how much until I was away from you"

This isn't a contradiction: if he knew you were there for him, he wouldn't need to reach out for you so much.  The more frequent contact is a way of continuously "peeking" to make sure you're still there. 

I agree.  Additionally, they fear and panic at real or perceived abandonment, when they have yet to split you black.
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« Reply #53 on: July 14, 2014, 11:14:05 AM »

At the very core of this thread is a problem not specific to people with BPD. Everyone wonders how their ex would respond if they reached out to them.

The difference is, BPD seems to supercharge the emotions resulting from this scenario, leading to irrational behavior from the pwBPD. However, their base emotions are very normal. The way their brain manifests these emotions is what causes a discrepancy.

In my backstory, my ex revealed to me that during our NC periods, she would spend months contemplating whether to call me or not. We happened to have a very understanding mutual friend who passed along my number and assured her it was okay for her to try and rekindle things. This basically meant that I could have walked into the coffee shop she worked at at any given time during our NC periods and made plans with her on the spot. It seems to be different for everybody though.
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« Reply #54 on: July 14, 2014, 12:21:06 PM »

I caved in and called her back. She answered, which took me by surprise. She said that she called by accident as she was supposed to call another person & that she's now deleted my number. We spoke for 10 minutes, nothing about us or anything. Thing that surprised me was that she unblocked my number. Even if you delete a contact, it will still remain under blocked.

Thinking too much into this, I know.

Don't know how I feel at the moment. Was nice speaking to her, but I'll still continue to move on.
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« Reply #55 on: July 14, 2014, 12:25:26 PM »

The call was unlikely to be a mis dial. It's a manipulation, almost certainly.

Mine managed to reach out and tap me on the shoulder when I was in a different country. She FB friend requested and messaged the guy I was visiting  at the precise moment I was in the bar with him. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Don't pay the game. If you do, you will most likely be set back.
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« Reply #56 on: July 14, 2014, 12:27:44 PM »

My ex once texted me late at night "are you in love with someone else?"  When I said "what are you talking about," she said "oh sorry, that was for my ex-husband." Mis-dialing seems to be a real problem for pwBPD Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #57 on: July 14, 2014, 01:36:13 PM »

I'm not sure about the object permanence concept. I've heard it mentioned a few times but in my situation it seemed to be the opposite. My exBPD travelled interstate for a few months and his contact became so much more frequent. Several phonecalls and messages a day. He begged me to go to him which I did after only a fortnight of him being away. He said " I knew I loved you but didn't realise how much until I was away from you"

When he was home I heard from him most days but never so frequent.

Also if "out of sight out of mind" was a fact they would not attempt to recycle, they would have forgotten and moved on.

Out of sight out of mind means that they don't feel as emotional about things until they're in contact. For instance they will shift all their emotion onto the new squeeze for the length of time that they are together. When they break up its anybodies game.

Also notice that they are so much more 'into you' when you're apart rather than when you're in physical contact, its almost creepy, stalkerish level of need for you to be in contact with one another... its because they need to keep talking so that you remain real for them,  they also need to control you, but more than anything its because the feeling fades, and if the feeling fades... then its over as far as they're concerned. Its why an internet/text/skype relationship doesn't last as long as one where you see one another everyday. Because of object constancy. Honestly... if you had the relationship I had... where I was with a BPD hermit who'se mother wasn't very much pleased about us... you would have seen the utter insanity of constant texting, the begging that we skype the moment I got home from work, and the real distance there seemed to be when we were actually together in person. It was the strangest relationship I ever had, and the most abusive. Theres nothing like being unable to turn skype off at night because you know if you did she would probably just leave you for someone else out of anger.

Now I get gibberish posted on my songs, and statuses just for me about how she has the worst concussion ever, and theres "summit wrong". eugh.
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« Reply #58 on: July 14, 2014, 01:41:20 PM »

The call was unlikely to be a mis dial. It's a manipulation, almost certainly.

Mine managed to reach out and tap me on the shoulder when I was in a different country. She FB friend requested and messaged the guy I was visiting  at the precise moment I was in the bar with him. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Don't pay the game. If you do, you will most likely be set back.

I was thinking that it wouldn't have been an accident. But, before she would have called till I picked up, which she didn't.

Unblocking me was a surprise , don't know if she's now blocked me or if I I'll hear from her again. Just got to keep reminding myself that I can't be with her... .  If she did ever try and come back.
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« Reply #59 on: July 14, 2014, 01:44:37 PM »

My ex once texted me late at night "are you in love with someone else?"  When I said "what are you talking about," she said "oh sorry, that was for my ex-husband." Mis-dialing seems to be a real problem for pwBPD Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yes mine's phone was broken and kept calling the wrong people... and "everyone knows about this phone"... I just had to laugh about that.

As if because 'everyone' - an exaggeration, knows about this phone I should know too. The level of hubris from these folks, as well as the comedy value of some things they say is astounding.
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« Reply #60 on: July 14, 2014, 02:15:38 PM »

Reading this thread has made me realise that every time I was away on business , or my uBPDxgf was away ( very rare) that she would always be so loving and 'in contact' via phone, text etc

She would say that she missed me so much when ever we were apart, heck, at Christmas, when she went to see her family abroad ( I was supposed to be there too, but she ended  the r/s a few weeks before) and she was still pretending she wanted to work it out, she messaged me daily.

Said things like :

' I miss my best friend and my partner'.

' I want you here next time because I know I what to live here with you.'

' the family want me to go to XXXXXXX but I want to do that with you.'

They are destined to repeat these patterns. We are NOT.
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« Reply #61 on: July 14, 2014, 02:28:15 PM »

Reading this thread has made me realise that every time I was away on business , or my uBPDxgf was away ( very rare) that she would always be so loving and 'in contact' via phone, text etc

She would say that she missed me so much when prefer we were apart, heck, at Christmas, when she went to see her family abroad ( I was supposed to be there too, but she ended  the r/s a few weeks before) and she was still pretending she wanted to work it out, she messaged me daily.

Said things like :

' I miss my best friend and my partner'.

' I want you here next time because I know I what to live here with you.'

' the family want me to go to XXXXXXX but I want to do that with you.'

They are destined to repeat these patterns. We are NOT.

The way to read what shes saying there is that when she says that... she does mean it. But as soon as another distraction arises she quickly changes her emotional state. She 'feels' that she wants to, but because she works emotionally and not rationally her beliefs change.

BPDs are borderline narcissists, so never expect them to sacrifice for YOU. They will always do what they want, even when their emotions change they will come back, regardless of how much it will cause YOU hurt. They don't care about you, but about themselves. Their biggest desire is for someone who dominates and controls them, much like a father would... even if that leads to them being abused. The nicer you are the more they will disrespect you. So if you want to know if your girl is a BPD... be nice to them. Quickly that will lead to hatred.

BPDs want a father, fathers are nice - but they hate their fathers for abandoning/abusing them, if you validate... and enable them... .then they will despise you for being weak, if you have a right go at them and tell them what you think about them, they will run for a day or two, and return eager for more.

I know, is I feel good thinking about this right now

I want is I feel positively about this particular thing at this specific moment in time.

I love you is I am infatuated with you and desire specific aspects of your personality

etc
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BacknthSaddle
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« Reply #62 on: July 14, 2014, 03:30:34 PM »

Reading this thread has made me realise that every time I was away on business , or my uBPDxgf was away ( very rare) that she would always be so loving and 'in contact' via phone, text etc

She would say that she missed me so much when prefer we were apart, heck, at Christmas, when she went to see her family abroad ( I was supposed to be there too, but she ended  the r/s a few weeks before) and she was still pretending she wanted to work it out, she messaged me daily.

Said things like :

' I miss my best friend and my partner'.

' I want you here next time because I know I what to live here with you.'

' the family want me to go to XXXXXXX but I want to do that with you.'

They are destined to repeat these patterns. We are NOT.

The way to read what shes saying there is that when she says that... she does mean it. But as soon as another distraction arises she quickly changes her emotional state. She 'feels' that she wants to, but because she works emotionally and not rationally her beliefs change.

BPDs are borderline narcissists, so never expect them to sacrifice for YOU. They will always do what they want, even when their emotions change they will come back, regardless of how much it will cause YOU hurt. They don't care about you, but about themselves. Their biggest desire is for someone who dominates and controls them, much like a father would... even if that leads to them being abused. The nicer you are the more they will disrespect you. So if you want to know if your girl is a BPD... be nice to them. Quickly that will lead to hatred.

BPDs want a father, fathers are nice - but they hate their fathers for abandoning/abusing them, if you validate... and enable them... .then they will despise you for being weak, if you have a right go at them and tell them what you think about them, they will run for a day or two, and return eager for more.

I know, is I feel good thinking about this right now

I want is I feel positively about this particular thing at this specific moment in time.

I love you is I am infatuated with you and desire specific aspects of your personality

etc

So much truth to all this.  If they are at a point where the fear of the attachment breaking is high, they will contact like crazy when you are out of sight to make sure they've still got you.  When they've moved on to a different attachment, there is another object standing right in front of them and you are not of much concern. 

My ex and I were in a real push/pull phase in late November/early December.  I went on vacation with my family.  All of a sudden, she texted me a "confession" that she had been using Vicodin that was not prescribed with her to "numb the pain" of her depression.  She clearly wanted me to save her from this (which sadly I tried to do), and would say "I'm so sorry to ruin your vacation."  A few weeks after I came back, she wasn't attracted to me anymore, really never was, didn't love me, blah blah blah.
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myself
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« Reply #63 on: July 14, 2014, 03:41:23 PM »

if you have a right go at them and tell them what you think about them, they will run for a day or two, and return eager for more.

This is true sometimes, but isn't always the case. The more honest I was with her about herself, the more distance she put between us because she couldn't/wouldn't choose to face it. The more she knew I understood what was really going on, the more she felt the urge to find someone who didn't.
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #64 on: July 14, 2014, 03:46:41 PM »

Reading this thread has made me realise that every time I was away on business , or my uBPDxgf was away ( very rare) that she would always be so loving and 'in contact' via phone, text etc

She would say that she missed me so much when prefer we were apart, heck, at Christmas, when she went to see her family abroad ( I was supposed to be there too, but she ended  the r/s a few weeks before) and she was still pretending she wanted to work it out, she messaged me daily.

Said things like :

' I miss my best friend and my partner'.

' I want you here next time because I know I what to live here with you.'

' the family want me to go to XXXXXXX but I want to do that with you.'

They are destined to repeat these patterns. We are NOT.

The way to read what shes saying there is that when she says that... she does mean it. But as soon as another distraction arises she quickly changes her emotional state. She 'feels' that she wants to, but because she works emotionally and not rationally her beliefs change.

BPDs are borderline narcissists, so never expect them to sacrifice for YOU. They will always do what they want, even when their emotions change they will come back, regardless of how much it will cause YOU hurt. They don't care about you, but about themselves. Their biggest desire is for someone who dominates and controls them, much like a father would... even if that leads to them being abused. The nicer you are the more they will disrespect you. So if you want to know if your girl is a BPD... be nice to them. Quickly that will lead to hatred.

BPDs want a father, fathers are nice - but they hate their fathers for abandoning/abusing them, if you validate... and enable them... .then they will despise you for being weak, if you have a right go at them and tell them what you think about them, they will run for a day or two, and return eager for more.

I know, is I feel good thinking about this right now

I want is I feel positively about this particular thing at this specific moment in time.

I love you is I am infatuated with you and desire specific aspects of your personality

etc

Interesting Christoff. Is it really a father issue with BPDs? I would like to learn more about this as I thought it was due to poor attachment issues with their mothers.
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« Reply #65 on: July 14, 2014, 03:52:59 PM »

if you have a right go at them and tell them what you think about them, they will run for a day or two, and return eager for more.

This is true sometimes, but isn't always the case. The more honest I was with her about herself, the more distance she put between us because she couldn't/wouldn't choose to face it. The more she knew I understood what was really going on, the more she felt the urge to find someone who didn't.

yes but if they think it is about you and not them they don't have to self reflect.  They can then think you are such an ass without self reflecting and see a way back without being abandoned and triggered by you reason for pushing them away.  It seems to be why they like Dbag retard types who don't know how to express their feelings properly.  They get angry which creates fear, the BPD understands this it is not too complex of emotions.
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« Reply #66 on: July 14, 2014, 04:26:41 PM »

Interesting Christoff. Is it really a father issue with BPDs? I would like to learn more about this as I thought it was due to poor attachment issues with their mothers.

In my case, she had issues with her mother, an alcoholic, father was away a lot which left my ex and her sister to look after their mother. The elder twin is happily married with children, the younger twin is my ex. So why did it effect one twin and not the other? I would add my ex is not diagnosed.
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Arminius
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« Reply #67 on: July 14, 2014, 05:05:46 PM »

Yet again I'm learning more and more... .

I'm quite a dominant personality. I don't mean it, I just am. I work in an environment that requires it, to a degree, and it is there that my uBPDxgf fell for me.

Initially she loved that aspect of me but over time she wanted me to be less so, less dominant, easier going etc etc

So, I changed and it seemed the more I changed, the 'nicer' I became, then the more she would push me around!

Right at the end when I had lost almost all self respect, when I was bending backwards to accommodate her, when I was buying in to her accusations that I was a abuser, that I was a sexual bully, that I never made her feel special... .that was the time I saw her grow strong, nasty, evil... .

I was despised in my 'weak' form.
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christoff522
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« Reply #68 on: July 14, 2014, 06:35:10 PM »

if you have a right go at them and tell them what you think about them, they will run for a day or two, and return eager for more.

This is true sometimes, but isn't always the case. The more honest I was with her about herself, the more distance she put between us because she couldn't/wouldn't choose to face it. The more she knew I understood what was really going on, the more she felt the urge to find someone who didn't.

It depends what you say. If you call her a liar and tell her that her ex didn't abuse her and that she probably was the abuser - then end contact - chances are she will come back... why? cos it makes her a bad person, and she believes she is.

Now if you talk about BPD, and tell her it's not her fault but she needs to get help - then you're making her seem crazy, and telling her that she has something seriously wrong with her. Suddenly its scary, suddenly she might need pills, its anxiety rather than anger inducing.

A BPD honestly will never believe that there is anything wrong with them, if you start ramming it down their throat then tbh you're destroying the drama for them. A BPD loves two things, drama and validation (enablement), if you ain't giving them that then they're not going to want to talk to you.
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christoff522
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« Reply #69 on: July 14, 2014, 06:40:31 PM »

Interesting Christoff. Is it really a father issue with BPDs? I would like to learn more about this as I thought it was due to poor attachment issues with their mothers.

Well it tends to be a bit of both, BPD mothers tend to breed BPD daughters. Usually it comes from a father who abandons/neglects/abuses and the mother who holds the child to blame for it - as well as 'fleas'. The child seeks a replacement for their father, and hates the mother because of her treatment. Mine told me she wanted me to be her father, brother, lover, friend and shadow. Father came first. She also has another 'best friend' who she calls her brother who will  "walk down the aisle" in place of her father - who apparently hates her.

Excerpt
In my case, she had issues with her mother, an alcoholic, father was away a lot which left my ex and her sister to look after their mother. The elder twin is happily married with children, the younger twin is my ex. So why did it effect one twin and not the other? I would add my ex is not diagnosed.

Mine had issues with her mother too. Its probable that the other twin does have issues, maybe to a lesser degree.

It tends to be that one is lifted up and the other neglected further. Maybe one kid misbehaved and so the mother began to shower less affection and a spiral of splitting began. The mother probably has BPD too - hence the alcoholism.
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« Reply #70 on: July 14, 2014, 06:46:17 PM »

Yet again I'm learning more and more... .

I'm quite a dominant personality. I don't mean it, I just am. I work in an environment that requires it, to a degree, and it is there that my uBPDxgf fell for me.

Initially she loved that aspect of me but over time she wanted me to be less so, less dominant, easier going etc etc

So, I changed and it seemed the more I changed, the 'nicer' I became, then the more she would push me around!

Right at the end when I had lost almost all self respect, when I was bending backwards to accommodate her, when I was buying in to her accusations that I was a abuser, that I was a sexual bully, that I never made her feel special... .that was the time I saw her grow strong, nasty, evil... .

I was despised in my 'weak' form.

Yes, She may say she wanted you to be less like that, but only so she could be MORE OF A VICTIM. She was pushing you around to incite you to violence.

If you were an aggressive bully, she would push you, and push you, and push you until you hit her. Then her self-hatred could be validated. Thats the sort of drama that they want. Mine 'loves' her ex, but cannot help but tell all and sundry about the abuse she suffers at his hands. Its makes her feel alive to have all this drama going on, its also why they tend towards narcissists - like the proper big serial killer types. All about filling the emptiness with pain... they love pain. To a BPD love is pain,

You had a real lucky escape there, it just shows that you're a good person who didn't rise to it all. Saved yourself a LOT more trouble in the long run.
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