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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Would they want to hear from us?  (Read 4576 times)
Eric1
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« on: July 07, 2014, 11:26:12 AM »

If theres been a long stage of NC, and we broke it, Would they want to hear from us?
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2014, 12:52:07 PM »

If theres been a long stage of NC, and we broke it, Would they want to hear from us?

Hello Eric1.  There is no road map, unfortunately.  There are a wide range of experiences here.   The times I have broken NC, I have received no response, which has served only to teach me that the only answers are within me.

What are you feeling right now?
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Eric1
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« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2014, 02:01:57 PM »

1. I don't want to be forgotten

2. I miss talking to her
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Changingman
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« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2014, 03:35:29 PM »

1. I don't want to be forgotten

2. I miss talking to her

Call her, see what happens.

Perhaps you could be her non sexual boyfriend, lend her a shoulder to cry on, or money (she could use it to buy new underwear for her new BF/GF/obsession), Hey she could sabotage your chances of a healthy relationship by flirting in front of your new fledgling romance, she could b___ you off and make you look weak behind your back. You could wait in line hoping she may throw you a crumb in the far future.

I've seen the xBFs of these people who hang around, it is humiliating, they are single, slightly depressed, leading part time lives, still getting sucked into the BPD black hole. You could sit at a bar with her new boyfriend, while he looks at you with odd suspicion and she flirts with you to provoke him. Perhaps you could sit with other xBFs and have uncomfortable conversations, , then one of them takes her home. Then you could carry on drinking with the other orbiting xBFs amazed that she was with any of them, except you of course. Those guy are arses.!

Still it will be worth it because you won't be 'forgotten', or the late night 'talks' when she needs some validation because her new boyfriend is abusive, or she is drunk, or he is working hard to buy her ribbons and bows.

I've not been one of these, but I have sat there thinking 'this is weird'.

But maybe that's what you are worth, maybe that's what you want, that's your call.

God I hope there is 'them' and 'us'

If not I'll work harder to be me and not them.

I think there is 'them', there is on the DSM? Isn't there? Perhaps I dreamt the crazy, ah! I wake up and it was just a nightmare, we are at the beginning of our relationship and she is soo happy if a little drunk, then we ... .**********************

Good luck with all that.

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learnandgrow
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« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2014, 04:00:28 PM »

Eric1, Changingman is 100% right. He just told you the cold hard truth. She has a new love obsession, and you're not him. I'm struggling with the same thing. I know my ex is spending days at a time at the new guys place. I know she's hooking him right now. I know she's probably talking poorly about me and how I was the terrible boyfriend and he will be the best, and how excited and thrilled she is. She's doing all of the things with him that she used to do with me in a matter of 1 to 2 weeks. It's a hard pill to swallow... .but these aren't healthy people.

You have some dignity. Keep it. She doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't need you. She has another victim catering to her 24/7 attention and validation needs right now. If she does reach out, it's because she needs more and he's not there at that very moment. You're a pawn in her game, just like the new guy. She'll play the two of you against each other... .mine already tried it with me. The way you feel, your wants, and your needs don't matter now. Hell, did they even matter when you were in the relationship with her? As I look back, mine didn't. I was called a sex addict for wanting more of the physical connection that I used to have.

Just know the new guy is in for the same thing. You can do so much better. You deserve more than to be emotionally manipulated and abused. You deserve someone that loves you and wants your attention in a HEALTHY way. Someone that won't lie to your face without remorse. Someone that respects you. They are out there... .you just need to heal.
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2014, 04:01:22 PM »

1. I don't want to be forgotten

2. I miss talking to her

Eric1,

I acknowledge both points.  This is the hard work of abandonment recovery.  Many of us, including me, have internalized the pain.   "Forgotten" is something manufactured by our minds, and it taunts us.   We want to know how something that once seemed so perfect seemed to vanish (and we wonder what it says about us).

You are not alone here.  Have you read The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life ?

It is worth reading.  One of the stages is:

3: INTERNALIZING – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

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bewildered2
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2 months good stuff, then it was all downhill


« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2014, 04:18:50 PM »

changingman is spot on.

i want to add something. you are not forgotten. she remembers you. and she remembers how she treated you, and what she got away with. and if she can use you again to make herself feel good, she will, if she needs to.

my BPDgf carried on stringing her ex-bf along the whole time she was seeing me (and others too). she admitted sleeping with him... .and her excuse was that he'd come over for a chat and would start crying and so she slept with him because she felt sorry for him. in fact, she said that she'd sleep with him because she wanted the sex, but that when the sex was over she'd make him sleep in the spare bedroom.

she told me that the poor guy tracked down another guy she'd been stringing along for two years (and sleeping with) while she was with her bf... .they met in a bar... .and the bf confronted the other guy... .the bf later told her that he thought she could do better. the funny thing is that she was with me the night the confrontation took placve between the other two guys. and she had 25 text messages and fifteen missed calls from him that night that she'd been wiht me, the "new" bf.

moral of the story... .they are bad news and are incapable of decent behaviour... .they have no real empathy and  contact with them, however small, will lead to more pain.

she'd like to hear from you but only if she needed you... .and only because she wasn't getting her needs met by someone else at the time.

that is the nature of the beast.

my advice is to take your medicine and remain no contact. with time you will feel better. she won't. trust me on that.

hang in there buddy and stay strong. we're all here to help and we've been through it.

b2

   
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« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2014, 04:39:19 PM »

1. I don't want to be forgotten

2. I miss talking to her

I know this! This is me!

And the response is... .do nothing.

Borderlines feeds off of their exes being on the hook.

My ex, when I broke NC, always said, "You called me." It validated her behavior and gave her carte blanche to treat me just as bad.

My ex has a new BF. A PhD. She thinks she is living the good life right now. But he has a resume of abusing weak women with drinking problems. he discards them when he is bored. If I called her right now, I would be calling a woman who lied to me about cheating on me as well as someone who thinks her enabler is her savior. She would treat me like garbage.

Do not call. Do not go where she goes. Stay away. When she contacts you---and she will---your best move is to IGNORE her.

I know what you are going thru. I am going thru it right now. Stay strong and stay away.
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2014, 04:41:25 PM »

1. I don't want to be forgotten

2. I miss talking to her

I understand how you are feeling. I have felt the very same so many times in the past. So many of us have. I am sorry for your pain Eric1.  Keep reading here and read as much as you can. The straight forward answers and insights of the other members are so very helpful. Sometimes when I felt just as you are, I would come here and read and read. It helped. You are not forgotten. This is a disorder. You have to remember this every time you have questions. Then read up on why this is happening and how the disorder processes things. And you have not been replaced. None of us could ever be replaced. The new person is a substitute in the cycle of never ending one sided need. This is a pattern. Have empathy or perhaps have relief that it's not you. Every time I felt just as you do, so wanting to just talk to him, he was never the same when I contacted him as what I hoped for and remembered him to be. Sometimes he tested me to see how much I'd give in a recycle supply for the future. He would be warm and I would think " thank goodness. He's back"  The very next day he would be colder than cold. It made is so much more confusing and heart aching. I just wanted so much for the person I knew to be back. It's so difficult to understand and I don't think I will ever fully understand it all. But I read the vast amount of posts here where so many of us say and feel exactly the same.  And I learned from them all. And I built my strength back up to stay NC from that. Keep reading and posting. We all know how you feel. You are the only one who can choose what is right for you but know the support is here amongst those that have gone through the same.
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Eric1
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« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2014, 05:43:21 PM »

Thanks for all the replies.

Changingman - That's exactly what I need to hear.

I got bogged down with thoughts of her & putting her up on the pedestal. I know she's not worth it & I'm worth more. It's just an uphill battle getting my heart to catch up with my head.
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learnandgrow
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« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2014, 06:29:16 PM »

Best way to do that is a) Go true no contact. That means she has no way of contacting you, you can't even determine if she tried, and you don't peak on her stuff and b) See a therapist that understands where you are coming from.

Great places to start. Doing this has, at the least, gotten the sick feeling out of the pit of my stomach. The FOG has slowly started to lift.

Thanks for all the replies.

Changingman - That's exactly what I need to hear.

I got bogged down with thoughts of her & putting her up on the pedestal. I know she's not worth it & I'm worth more. It's just an uphill battle getting my heart to catch up with my head.

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Changingman
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« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2014, 08:55:16 PM »

Good luck,

Hang in there.

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« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2014, 12:10:05 AM »

Hey, Eric - changingman nailed it.  Just as an example,  one time in the past, I took his call after two months,  but I was strong.

.

Conversation:  "I am with _______ and we are IN LOVE." I said, good for you. "She loves me and I love her." That's nice.  Happy for you. "Can I ask, are you seeing anyone?" No, I don't need anyone. I am fine by myself. "Oh... ." Disappointment and hung up.

Reality: I'm not with anyone either, but you didn't get jealous and take the bait.  Going to hang up and pout now.

Mine always texts on the weekend now with some crap. Reality: I am so trying to p#@* you off and ruin your weekend. You aren't trying to contact me. Why?

Yup, you just need to leave it right there, buddy. Karma is amazing. ... .

You want to relate to them as we do to each other,  but you can't. Everything is a game, and whether they can "one up" you. Need to leave them in their mess of lies.
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Eric1
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« Reply #13 on: July 09, 2014, 01:31:15 PM »

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #14 on: July 09, 2014, 01:49:08 PM »

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.

Eric1 --  this is the moment-to-moment war we wage against ourselves.  On my birthday, it hurt that my ex-girlfriend did not write, and I posted here.  That said, it was a storm that passed.   If you can "hold" your emotions, examine them with curiousity, and give yourself license to grieve, you will go "through" the storm.

I really do recommend the book I noted above.  The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

It's worth reading because it gives us a vocabulary for our pain.

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« Reply #15 on: July 09, 2014, 02:40:57 PM »

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.

Im sorry for your pain and like almost all here, I understand.  These were hard moments for me as well. My birthday. It was a rather significant one as his was the year before. Even though I was in the throws of being split at the time ( had no idea about BPD back then) my integrity would not allow me to ignore his special day.  I sent a very warm message that in itself, felt like something I would cherish as a lasting gift. It was a very personal message, more like a short story on some of the beauty we experienced together.   I felt that regardless of a potential future together or not, I wouldn't want to ever look back and say I hurt someone on their birthday.  Someone I loved.  Fast forward to my birthday.  Ignored. I had expected a simple text. Perhaps an email.  In fact,  mere acquaintances provided more kindness to me on that day.  The holiday season.  Nothing.  Holidays mean the world to me. He knew that because during the mirroring he went to great lengths to show me they meant the world to him too.  Nothing.  No holiday greeting in any way.  Hurt my heart, very, very much.   Please don't expect your special day to be acknowledged.  Its so hurtful when we expect this d/o to take a back seat to logical thinking.  You need to remember you are special and surround yourself with others who will make your day full of goodness.  Reading and posting here helps so much. I hope you continue to heal as I hope for all of us on this journey to better and stronger futures.
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mywifecrazy
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Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #16 on: July 09, 2014, 03:23:51 PM »

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.

Hey Eric, hang in there and MAINTAIN NO CONTACT. I know all about the hurts and pains too. How you want to hear from them on the SPECIAL DAYS. But guess what? your birthday, my 18yr wedding anniversary, etc, etc IT DOESN'T MEAN $hit to them! YOU and I don't mean $hit to them! We are nothing more than pawns to be used by them to soothe themselves. It's the nature of the beast. I'm sorry if it comes across as being harsh but it's a hard lesson to learn but it's very critical for you if you're going to get healthy. REMAIN IN NO CONTACT... .It's the only road that will lead you out of the FOG. All other roads paved with you contacting her will,lead you back into the FOG and to your downfall!

You want to know something else Eric? If you get away from her through maintaining NC and clear your head. There will be a time in the not to distant future that your X will be the LAST person you want to hear from on those special days... .and it will feel GOOD.

GOOD LUCK BUDDY... .Sincerely MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
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« Reply #17 on: July 09, 2014, 03:50:30 PM »

this thread is helping me so much right now... .

It can be so much to process sometimes.  All these feelings it is overwhelming.  You are left to process all the emotions dumped on you by her and your family growing up other people that were close to you that caused you to feel guilty, ashamed, and fear.  It is a heavy burden to bear. 

The sad truth is that person you would want to hear from you doesn't exist anymore.  It is more about you wanting to hear from them that you meant something. that it was real.

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learnandgrow
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« Reply #18 on: July 09, 2014, 04:12:33 PM »

I want you to think of this... .did special occasions really mean anything to her when you were together? As I look back, there were occasions I thought were special and she didn't care as much about and made it clear and I kind of let it slide. Be honest with yourself; if it was Christmas or any other holiday I'm willing to bet you put in more effort than she did. Now ask yourself, is that still what you want?

The best thing to do is physically block all forms of contact. I have no idea if my ex has even tried to contact me because I did this. There is no way of knowing.

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.

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« Reply #19 on: July 09, 2014, 04:20:12 PM »

Good points made on this thread - one simple thing that really helped me... .

It is OK to miss someone, so - miss her until you are done... .but ACTING in response to that emotion rather than your best interest, heck, that just leads to keeping that emotion around a lot longer.

We cannot help missing someone we loved - dysfunctional or not - but we can have control on our own actions.



This book is a very good road map to our emotions during the grief process we seem to experience at the end of this relationship.  ALL phases are really accurate and even though it doesn't "fix" it - knowing we are not unique in our emotional experience is comforting.

Peace,

SB
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #20 on: July 09, 2014, 04:22:39 PM »

I want you to think of this... .did special occasions really mean anything to her when you were together? As I look back, there were occasions I thought were special and she didn't care as much about and made it clear and I kind of let it slide. Be honest with yourself; if it was Christmas or any other holiday I'm willing to bet you put in more effort than she did. Now ask yourself, is that still what you want?

The best thing to do is physically block all forms of contact. I have no idea if my ex has even tried to contact me because I did this. There is no way of knowing.

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.


Blim and Learnandgrow and MWC,

I want to thank you for your insight.  It helps me as well to read this.  You know, you are all correct.  Everything you say unfortunately rings true. For me, looking back. I absolutely put in more effort on the special occasions. When I think of the very thoughtful things I did, happily, because thats my nature. I spend one holiday season with him because I felt badly he was alone. During idealization.  All the sweet things I did, happily.  His birthdays.  He said he would never forget them.  Guess what? He did. Stay strong and NC Eric1. You can do it!
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« Reply #21 on: July 09, 2014, 04:29:05 PM »

In my case I couldn't "give up" so easily with my ex.

I did contact her again at first the day of her birthday. There were 2-3 phone calls during the following week which were calm and good. I was thinking there might be a chance to get back together.

Nope. The 4th and 5th call were hurtful. I was reminded of all the wrong things I had done during our r/s. That was when I expressed my anger and said all the things I had kept inside and didn't want to hear telling me indirectly that she didn't want to try again. I was done after that conversation. I understood that I was myself a trigger for her.

Of course the next day she changed her mind sending me a very emotional youtube video. But I was so much devastated that I couldn't answer it.
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« Reply #22 on: July 09, 2014, 04:45:33 PM »

I was the only reason she saw her family on Christmas. I took her around my family for Thanksgiving when she wasn't celebrating with anyone. I drove her, and paid, for part of her Mother's birthday dinner. This is just to name a few things. All forgotten... .all unappreciated.

My reward? My birthday was an afterthought. She made an effort about 2 weeks later. My intelligence was insulted in front of her family on other occasions. On days I needed her, I was criticized and left by myself.

It's always about them. Just look at it.

I want you to think of this... .did special occasions really mean anything to her when you were together? As I look back, there were occasions I thought were special and she didn't care as much about and made it clear and I kind of let it slide. Be honest with yourself; if it was Christmas or any other holiday I'm willing to bet you put in more effort than she did. Now ask yourself, is that still what you want?

The best thing to do is physically block all forms of contact. I have no idea if my ex has even tried to contact me because I did this. There is no way of knowing.

Starting to hit a rough patch again. I set myself small targets of NC, the first being Monday just gone, I then said Tuesday, and now it's Wednesday. I've come to realise, I can't call her, no matter what. If I do, I'll apear weak & needy. It's been 2 1/2 months now. All I want to do is speak to her.

It's my birthday at the end of the month, I won't hear anything from her then, which I know is going to really hurt.


Blim and Learnandgrow and MWC,

I want to thank you for your insight.  It helps me as well to read this.  You know, you are all correct.  Everything you say unfortunately rings true. For me, looking back. I absolutely put in more effort on the special occasions. When I think of the very thoughtful things I did, happily, because thats my nature. I spend one holiday season with him because I felt badly he was alone. During idealization.  All the sweet things I did, happily.  His birthdays.  He said he would never forget them.  Guess what? He did. Stay strong and NC Eric1. You can do it!

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« Reply #23 on: July 11, 2014, 12:14:16 PM »

Still maintaining NC. I went on a date on Monday which went well , we had a good laugh & I think she's really keen on me. We're going out tomorrow for drinks, so fingers crossed.

I'm still thinking about my ex daily tho. I haven't heard a peep from her for a while now. She's gone back to my replacement and all must be going well. Which makes me think that she's not BPD... .
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« Reply #24 on: July 11, 2014, 12:34:10 PM »

Do you fear that you were wrong, that she is fine and you were the problem after all? Because things seem to be going well with your replacement?

I fear this too, but then I remember that things went amazingly between us for over 4 months, before the first red flag. It was 6 months before it started going properly wrong. And then she began referencing incidents during this time, and it was clear she had simply learned to control herself until I was fully hooked. Even after that, she managed to keep up appearances in public. So things may be going well, or may not, but even if they are - this means nothing.
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Eric1
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« Reply #25 on: July 11, 2014, 12:44:33 PM »

Well, she broke up with him twice, came back to me & has now gone back to him. In the past she's always reached out by now & tried contacting, but I've heard nothing.
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2 months good stuff, then it was all downhill


« Reply #26 on: July 12, 2014, 03:41:32 AM »

Well, she broke up with him twice, came back to me & has now gone back to him. In the past she's always reached out by now & tried contacting, but I've heard nothing.

Hey Eric, the ping pong behaviour you've just described is symptomatic of BPD. And now you're expecting and waiting for it to happen again, for her to turn up, after she breaks up with him again.

I hope you can remain strong and stay NC. The more time that goes by the easier it becomes. And one day you won't care. I mean it.

In my own experience, it took me about 9 months for this to happen. I kept expecting her to contact me but it didn't happen. Then, after about 8 or 9 months, I heard that my ex-BPDgf was seen on vacation with her "ex"-bf... .the guy she had supposedly left years ago.

My reaction?

I laughed.

Suddenly, the absurdity of it all just became so apparent. All her big talk that she would insult me with when we were together, that she was going to change her life in so many meaningful ways, how she didn't want a life with this guy, or with me, bla bla bla... .she was still with him, instead of the Mr Perfect she had been hunting for (while she was with me)... .

Since I had last seen her she had gone backwards. And I felt sorry for the poor guy she was with... .and there is no doubt that she is back to stringing him along while she cruises around looking for other generous but poor fools that she can use to soothe her never happy soul.

What I' saying is that she will use you if you let her. If you contact her then the games will begin again.

What you allow, will continue.

Stay strong, buddy, every day you stay away you get a step closer to life free of extreme mental illness and abuse.

Hang in there. We are your friends now. Not her. And we will help celebrate your birthday with you!

b2
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Narellan
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1080



« Reply #27 on: July 12, 2014, 04:20:00 AM »

Eric1 and everyone, each time I initiated contact after some ST it was met with more ST. He just came back when he was ready. I learned not to reach out. I stayed NC. This time he replaced me as you prob all know, so that was it for me. And now he's appearing at my door and rang me last night. I didn't answer. NC. It's been the most devastating 4 months if my life. I think at this point if I rang him he would be happy to hear from me but in a week or so he would go ST again. And he would win this stupid game. At the moment he wants contact and I won't ( notice I didn't say I don't because I do really miss what we had) but I'm done now. I have nothing left to give him, it's all been given.
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Alex86
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 98


« Reply #28 on: July 12, 2014, 04:48:27 AM »

At the moment he wants contact and I won't ( notice I didn't say I don't because I do really miss what we had) but I'm done now. I have nothing left to give him, it's all been given.

That's exactly how I feel. I would have nothing further to say to her. I gave her everything and discussions were dead end.
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Caredverymuch
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 735



« Reply #29 on: July 12, 2014, 10:06:10 AM »

Well, she broke up with him twice, came back to me & has now gone back to him. In the past she's always reached out by now & tried contacting, but I've heard nothing.

Hey Eric, the ping pong behaviour you've just described is symptomatic of BPD. And now you're expecting and waiting for it to happen again, for her to turn up, after she breaks up with him again.

I hope you can remain strong and stay NC. The more time that goes by the easier it becomes. And one day you won't care. I mean it.

In my own experience, it took me about 9 months for this to happen. I kept expecting her to contact me but it didn't happen. Then, after about 8 or 9 months, I heard that my ex-BPDgf was seen on vacation with her "ex"-bf... .the guy she had supposedly left years ago.

My reaction?

I laughed.

Suddenly, the absurdity of it all just became so apparent. All her big talk that she would insult me with when we were together, that she was going to change her life in so many meaningful ways, how she didn't want a life with this guy, or with me, bla bla bla... .she was still with him, instead of the Mr Perfect she had been hunting for (while she was with me)... .

Since I had last seen her she had gone backwards. And I felt sorry for the poor guy she was with... .and there is no doubt that she is back to stringing him along while she cruises around looking for other generous but poor fools that she can use to soothe her never happy soul.

What I' saying is that she will use you if you let her. If you contact her then the games will begin again.

What you allow, will continue.

Stay strong, buddy, every day you stay away you get a step closer to life free of extreme mental illness and abuse.

Hang in there. We are your friends now. Not her. And we will help celebrate your birthday with you!

b2

B2, This is exactly my experience and same scenario almost to a tee. Nothing changed for him. Nothing. He's with his ex that he complained about, that he said ruined his life, etc, etc. He, too, wanted to be free of so he could grow and become the man he was meant to always be. So much meaningful change was needed.

All the same stuff you posted, he did and is still doing. I actually find myself laughing now at much of it too. It's so not funny, that it is. And no longer our problem.

Your insight is spot on. And invaluable: What I' saying is that she will use you if you let her. If you contact her then the games will begin again.

What you allow, will continue.



Stay strong, buddy, every day you stay away you get a step closer to life free of extreme mental illness and abuse.


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