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Author Topic: Would they want to hear from us?  (Read 4577 times)
Arminius
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 233


« Reply #60 on: July 14, 2014, 02:15:38 PM »

Reading this thread has made me realise that every time I was away on business , or my uBPDxgf was away ( very rare) that she would always be so loving and 'in contact' via phone, text etc

She would say that she missed me so much when ever we were apart, heck, at Christmas, when she went to see her family abroad ( I was supposed to be there too, but she ended  the r/s a few weeks before) and she was still pretending she wanted to work it out, she messaged me daily.

Said things like :

' I miss my best friend and my partner'.

' I want you here next time because I know I what to live here with you.'

' the family want me to go to XXXXXXX but I want to do that with you.'

They are destined to repeat these patterns. We are NOT.
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christoff522
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Posts: 397


« Reply #61 on: July 14, 2014, 02:28:15 PM »

Reading this thread has made me realise that every time I was away on business , or my uBPDxgf was away ( very rare) that she would always be so loving and 'in contact' via phone, text etc

She would say that she missed me so much when prefer we were apart, heck, at Christmas, when she went to see her family abroad ( I was supposed to be there too, but she ended  the r/s a few weeks before) and she was still pretending she wanted to work it out, she messaged me daily.

Said things like :

' I miss my best friend and my partner'.

' I want you here next time because I know I what to live here with you.'

' the family want me to go to XXXXXXX but I want to do that with you.'

They are destined to repeat these patterns. We are NOT.

The way to read what shes saying there is that when she says that... she does mean it. But as soon as another distraction arises she quickly changes her emotional state. She 'feels' that she wants to, but because she works emotionally and not rationally her beliefs change.

BPDs are borderline narcissists, so never expect them to sacrifice for YOU. They will always do what they want, even when their emotions change they will come back, regardless of how much it will cause YOU hurt. They don't care about you, but about themselves. Their biggest desire is for someone who dominates and controls them, much like a father would... even if that leads to them being abused. The nicer you are the more they will disrespect you. So if you want to know if your girl is a BPD... be nice to them. Quickly that will lead to hatred.

BPDs want a father, fathers are nice - but they hate their fathers for abandoning/abusing them, if you validate... and enable them... .then they will despise you for being weak, if you have a right go at them and tell them what you think about them, they will run for a day or two, and return eager for more.

I know, is I feel good thinking about this right now

I want is I feel positively about this particular thing at this specific moment in time.

I love you is I am infatuated with you and desire specific aspects of your personality

etc
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BacknthSaddle
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 474


« Reply #62 on: July 14, 2014, 03:30:34 PM »

Reading this thread has made me realise that every time I was away on business , or my uBPDxgf was away ( very rare) that she would always be so loving and 'in contact' via phone, text etc

She would say that she missed me so much when prefer we were apart, heck, at Christmas, when she went to see her family abroad ( I was supposed to be there too, but she ended  the r/s a few weeks before) and she was still pretending she wanted to work it out, she messaged me daily.

Said things like :

' I miss my best friend and my partner'.

' I want you here next time because I know I what to live here with you.'

' the family want me to go to XXXXXXX but I want to do that with you.'

They are destined to repeat these patterns. We are NOT.

The way to read what shes saying there is that when she says that... she does mean it. But as soon as another distraction arises she quickly changes her emotional state. She 'feels' that she wants to, but because she works emotionally and not rationally her beliefs change.

BPDs are borderline narcissists, so never expect them to sacrifice for YOU. They will always do what they want, even when their emotions change they will come back, regardless of how much it will cause YOU hurt. They don't care about you, but about themselves. Their biggest desire is for someone who dominates and controls them, much like a father would... even if that leads to them being abused. The nicer you are the more they will disrespect you. So if you want to know if your girl is a BPD... be nice to them. Quickly that will lead to hatred.

BPDs want a father, fathers are nice - but they hate their fathers for abandoning/abusing them, if you validate... and enable them... .then they will despise you for being weak, if you have a right go at them and tell them what you think about them, they will run for a day or two, and return eager for more.

I know, is I feel good thinking about this right now

I want is I feel positively about this particular thing at this specific moment in time.

I love you is I am infatuated with you and desire specific aspects of your personality

etc

So much truth to all this.  If they are at a point where the fear of the attachment breaking is high, they will contact like crazy when you are out of sight to make sure they've still got you.  When they've moved on to a different attachment, there is another object standing right in front of them and you are not of much concern. 

My ex and I were in a real push/pull phase in late November/early December.  I went on vacation with my family.  All of a sudden, she texted me a "confession" that she had been using Vicodin that was not prescribed with her to "numb the pain" of her depression.  She clearly wanted me to save her from this (which sadly I tried to do), and would say "I'm so sorry to ruin your vacation."  A few weeks after I came back, she wasn't attracted to me anymore, really never was, didn't love me, blah blah blah.
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myself
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #63 on: July 14, 2014, 03:41:23 PM »

if you have a right go at them and tell them what you think about them, they will run for a day or two, and return eager for more.

This is true sometimes, but isn't always the case. The more honest I was with her about herself, the more distance she put between us because she couldn't/wouldn't choose to face it. The more she knew I understood what was really going on, the more she felt the urge to find someone who didn't.
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Caredverymuch
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 735



« Reply #64 on: July 14, 2014, 03:46:41 PM »

Reading this thread has made me realise that every time I was away on business , or my uBPDxgf was away ( very rare) that she would always be so loving and 'in contact' via phone, text etc

She would say that she missed me so much when prefer we were apart, heck, at Christmas, when she went to see her family abroad ( I was supposed to be there too, but she ended  the r/s a few weeks before) and she was still pretending she wanted to work it out, she messaged me daily.

Said things like :

' I miss my best friend and my partner'.

' I want you here next time because I know I what to live here with you.'

' the family want me to go to XXXXXXX but I want to do that with you.'

They are destined to repeat these patterns. We are NOT.

The way to read what shes saying there is that when she says that... she does mean it. But as soon as another distraction arises she quickly changes her emotional state. She 'feels' that she wants to, but because she works emotionally and not rationally her beliefs change.

BPDs are borderline narcissists, so never expect them to sacrifice for YOU. They will always do what they want, even when their emotions change they will come back, regardless of how much it will cause YOU hurt. They don't care about you, but about themselves. Their biggest desire is for someone who dominates and controls them, much like a father would... even if that leads to them being abused. The nicer you are the more they will disrespect you. So if you want to know if your girl is a BPD... be nice to them. Quickly that will lead to hatred.

BPDs want a father, fathers are nice - but they hate their fathers for abandoning/abusing them, if you validate... and enable them... .then they will despise you for being weak, if you have a right go at them and tell them what you think about them, they will run for a day or two, and return eager for more.

I know, is I feel good thinking about this right now

I want is I feel positively about this particular thing at this specific moment in time.

I love you is I am infatuated with you and desire specific aspects of your personality

etc

Interesting Christoff. Is it really a father issue with BPDs? I would like to learn more about this as I thought it was due to poor attachment issues with their mothers.
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Blimblam
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892



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« Reply #65 on: July 14, 2014, 03:52:59 PM »

if you have a right go at them and tell them what you think about them, they will run for a day or two, and return eager for more.

This is true sometimes, but isn't always the case. The more honest I was with her about herself, the more distance she put between us because she couldn't/wouldn't choose to face it. The more she knew I understood what was really going on, the more she felt the urge to find someone who didn't.

yes but if they think it is about you and not them they don't have to self reflect.  They can then think you are such an ass without self reflecting and see a way back without being abandoned and triggered by you reason for pushing them away.  It seems to be why they like Dbag retard types who don't know how to express their feelings properly.  They get angry which creates fear, the BPD understands this it is not too complex of emotions.
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Ventus2ct
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 149


« Reply #66 on: July 14, 2014, 04:26:41 PM »

Interesting Christoff. Is it really a father issue with BPDs? I would like to learn more about this as I thought it was due to poor attachment issues with their mothers.

In my case, she had issues with her mother, an alcoholic, father was away a lot which left my ex and her sister to look after their mother. The elder twin is happily married with children, the younger twin is my ex. So why did it effect one twin and not the other? I would add my ex is not diagnosed.
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Arminius
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 233


« Reply #67 on: July 14, 2014, 05:05:46 PM »

Yet again I'm learning more and more... .

I'm quite a dominant personality. I don't mean it, I just am. I work in an environment that requires it, to a degree, and it is there that my uBPDxgf fell for me.

Initially she loved that aspect of me but over time she wanted me to be less so, less dominant, easier going etc etc

So, I changed and it seemed the more I changed, the 'nicer' I became, then the more she would push me around!

Right at the end when I had lost almost all self respect, when I was bending backwards to accommodate her, when I was buying in to her accusations that I was a abuser, that I was a sexual bully, that I never made her feel special... .that was the time I saw her grow strong, nasty, evil... .

I was despised in my 'weak' form.
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christoff522
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 397


« Reply #68 on: July 14, 2014, 06:35:10 PM »

if you have a right go at them and tell them what you think about them, they will run for a day or two, and return eager for more.

This is true sometimes, but isn't always the case. The more honest I was with her about herself, the more distance she put between us because she couldn't/wouldn't choose to face it. The more she knew I understood what was really going on, the more she felt the urge to find someone who didn't.

It depends what you say. If you call her a liar and tell her that her ex didn't abuse her and that she probably was the abuser - then end contact - chances are she will come back... why? cos it makes her a bad person, and she believes she is.

Now if you talk about BPD, and tell her it's not her fault but she needs to get help - then you're making her seem crazy, and telling her that she has something seriously wrong with her. Suddenly its scary, suddenly she might need pills, its anxiety rather than anger inducing.

A BPD honestly will never believe that there is anything wrong with them, if you start ramming it down their throat then tbh you're destroying the drama for them. A BPD loves two things, drama and validation (enablement), if you ain't giving them that then they're not going to want to talk to you.
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christoff522
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Posts: 397


« Reply #69 on: July 14, 2014, 06:40:31 PM »

Interesting Christoff. Is it really a father issue with BPDs? I would like to learn more about this as I thought it was due to poor attachment issues with their mothers.

Well it tends to be a bit of both, BPD mothers tend to breed BPD daughters. Usually it comes from a father who abandons/neglects/abuses and the mother who holds the child to blame for it - as well as 'fleas'. The child seeks a replacement for their father, and hates the mother because of her treatment. Mine told me she wanted me to be her father, brother, lover, friend and shadow. Father came first. She also has another 'best friend' who she calls her brother who will  "walk down the aisle" in place of her father - who apparently hates her.

Excerpt
In my case, she had issues with her mother, an alcoholic, father was away a lot which left my ex and her sister to look after their mother. The elder twin is happily married with children, the younger twin is my ex. So why did it effect one twin and not the other? I would add my ex is not diagnosed.

Mine had issues with her mother too. Its probable that the other twin does have issues, maybe to a lesser degree.

It tends to be that one is lifted up and the other neglected further. Maybe one kid misbehaved and so the mother began to shower less affection and a spiral of splitting began. The mother probably has BPD too - hence the alcoholism.
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christoff522
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Posts: 397


« Reply #70 on: July 14, 2014, 06:46:17 PM »

Yet again I'm learning more and more... .

I'm quite a dominant personality. I don't mean it, I just am. I work in an environment that requires it, to a degree, and it is there that my uBPDxgf fell for me.

Initially she loved that aspect of me but over time she wanted me to be less so, less dominant, easier going etc etc

So, I changed and it seemed the more I changed, the 'nicer' I became, then the more she would push me around!

Right at the end when I had lost almost all self respect, when I was bending backwards to accommodate her, when I was buying in to her accusations that I was a abuser, that I was a sexual bully, that I never made her feel special... .that was the time I saw her grow strong, nasty, evil... .

I was despised in my 'weak' form.

Yes, She may say she wanted you to be less like that, but only so she could be MORE OF A VICTIM. She was pushing you around to incite you to violence.

If you were an aggressive bully, she would push you, and push you, and push you until you hit her. Then her self-hatred could be validated. Thats the sort of drama that they want. Mine 'loves' her ex, but cannot help but tell all and sundry about the abuse she suffers at his hands. Its makes her feel alive to have all this drama going on, its also why they tend towards narcissists - like the proper big serial killer types. All about filling the emptiness with pain... they love pain. To a BPD love is pain,

You had a real lucky escape there, it just shows that you're a good person who didn't rise to it all. Saved yourself a LOT more trouble in the long run.
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