Flipping out over gifts or even small tokens... anyone?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've been going through it a bit lately.  You know when that part of your brain decides its movie time and only plays the "directors cut" that includes all the happy moments . 

I've been forcing myself to think about all of the horrific stuff that has, with the passage of time, come into clear view.  And I'm wondering if anyone else can relate to this.

She would completely flip out and scream at me if I ever got her the smallest thing.  When I say anything I mean anything: an iphone case, something for her car, a small trinket, an app for her computer, anything. 

She would yell things at me like "If I WANTED that I would have gotten it myself!" and ":)on't F&*^* buy me anything.  You NEVER listen!  If I want it I'll DO IT."  Or the almighty "What are you saying that my things are crap?  Don't EVER EVER get me anything."  She even yelled at me for getting her flowers. 

It had me terrified to even think of getting anything.  I was actually scared when I saw something when I was out, where in a previous relationship I know the person would have appreciated it and known I got it because I thought of her, and it gave me anxiety to even think about doing something nice.

Crazy isn't it? 

Can anyone relate to that?

[Buried in Blackness]

I've been going through it a bit lately.  You know when that part of your brain decides its movie time and only plays the "directors cut" that includes all the happy moments . 

I've been forcing myself to think about all of the horrific stuff that has, with the passage of time, come into clear view.  And I'm wondering if anyone else can relate to this.

She would completely flip out and scream at me if I ever got her the smallest thing.  When I say anything I mean anything: an iphone case, something for her car, a small trinket, an app for her computer, anything. 

She would yell things at me like "If I WANTED that I would have gotten it myself!" and ":)on't F&*^* buy me anything.  You NEVER listen!  If I want it I'll DO IT."  Or the almighty "What are you saying that my things are crap?  Don't EVER EVER get me anything."  She even yelled at me for getting her flowers. 

It had me terrified to even think of getting anything.  I was actually scared when I saw something when I was out, where in a previous relationship I know the person would have appreciated it and known I got it because I thought of her, and it gave me anxiety to even think about doing something nice.

Crazy isn't it? 

Can anyone relate to that?

[AwakenedOne]

I made the critical error, that I see now, of imprinting upon her my moral code.  My ethical principals.  My "thru sickness and in health". And because she was so in tune with me, mirrored me, that I believed she felt the same.  She said the words.  

Just read your introduction post. Wow, our relationship similarities are amazing. 4 year marriage, quick engagement, mirroring everything including the most important, the moral code etc... .The wedding vows ultimately only mattered to me turns out.

I think the thing your mentioning in this post about gifts might be just more related with the dellusions of a pwBPD in general. This could apply to other scenarios where they think you have other hidden motives or you are implying they are stupid etc... .Mine did what you have just decribed here with almost every issue really, even flowers. She ripped up flowers I gave her because of some jealous stuff that makes no sense at all. I stopped even buying flowers.

[Ventus2ct]

In the devaluing phase this was common, flowers, small little things etc, if I was passing the shop on the way to her's I'd buy some bread, milk, eggs etc oh and some chocolate, as said above, the little things like this would have been appreciated in any other relationship but she found fault with this behavior in me to. She did come out with "I wish you would stop being so nice, it's freaking me out!"

So who knows but I guess it was another form of rejection projected onto me. So she would either take any gifts, as if they were expected/owed to/of her, maybe get a thanks or just go mental over them, hung if i did and hung if I didn't.

[Infared]

I think that this behavior also is exhibited by persons who have extreme control issues. i.e. "You cannot acquire an item and give it to them, they must always have complete control of and perform all such purchases and acquiring for them to be totally satisfied. ( and that is what it is all about for them). This is extreme, childish self-centeredness and is definitely a benchmark of many personality disorders, I think.  They are so consumed with themselves that there isn't much room to acknowledge or accept loving gestures from another person.

This is pretty extreme illness/damage.

[patientandclear]

Yes, this was intense with my ex. He seemed to feel a combination of shame that he wasn't worth it and fear/anger that I was trying to control him and/or that he would "owe" me. As you said, this was over the smallest things. I once just unthinkingly bought his food. It cost $2.50. He was stressed out about that and still talking about it the day after.

He often managed not to say it was bothering him but I suspect it was a constant irritation/worry for him.

[Ventus2ct]

I think that this behavior also is exhibited by persons who have extreme control issues. i.e. "You cannot acquire an item and give it to them, they must always have complete control of and perform all such purchases and acquiring for them to be totally satisfied. ( and that is what it is all about for them). This is extreme, childish self-centeredness and is definitely a benchmark of many personality disorders, I think.  They are so consumed with themselves that there isn't much room to acknowledge or accept loving gestures from another person.

This is pretty extreme illness/damage.

If I bought myself something expensive or something expensive for work I detected a real jealousy issue, she'd say "why do you need that, you don't need that etc etc" almost as if the money should have been spent on her, i.e. she was more deserving of it and I was not worthy of such niceties.

Thoughts?

[MammaMia]

Infrared

I agree completely.  We are damned if we do and damned if we don't.  Nothing ever satisfies people wBPD.  If they receive money to buy exactly what they want, then we get  "all you do is throw money at me... you NEVER do anything personal for me".  AND on top of that, they blow the money on junk and then still complain that they do not have what they wanted... .and guess whose fault that is?

[JohnLove]

If I bought myself something expensive or something expensive for work I detected a real jealousy issue, she'd say "why do you need that, you don't need that etc etc" almost as if the money should have been spent on her, i.e. she was more deserving of it and I was not worthy of such niceties.

Thoughts?

Hi Ventus2ct. I know exactly what you are talking about. I have an iPad version1 that I use for work. It has serious limitations. I voiced to my BPDgf that I might buy a new one this financial year and well... .I didn't expect her reaction. I explained that I could buy a new iPad or just give the $$$ to the taxman. Didn't help much. I started to feel like I was being greedy?. Huh?. I actually had another 2 android tablets that I purchased new for a third of their retail. I guess I should add at this point that she doesn't have a tablet.

Now my eldest daughter needs one to enter a technology high school that encourages students to BYOD (bring your own device). It is a disadvantage not to have one. They recommend an iPad. You can guess how this went down when she became aware.

I feel your conclusion is probably highly accurate. I appreciate this in the simplest sense but dont claim to fully understand it.

[malwa]

at the beginning of our "living together" it was me who had a job and bought food. I was hoping that it was only  for a period of time, a stage. We had an agreement that I work but she keeps the flat clean, prepares meals etc. And eventually she will find a job/or start studies.

in time, as I felt more and more exhausted with my work and day to day life (there was no cleaning, cooking, no studying) she started to use this argument against me "you dont care about me at all. the only thing you do is earn money, the only things you can give me are material goods... ."

it was SO hurtful

[irishmarmot]

My ex returned everything that I gave her.  She even mailed it back to me with next day service.   But she did keep pictures of me which is common or so I have read.